Family Forum / Marriage / Marriage / June 2006

I think you concerns are well found given what you have written.  You must
conclude if his decision is a deal breaker for you.  If you decide that it
is a deal breaker, then his issues are really irrelevant.

B

Plenty of people don't want children, and I'm one of them, too.

Your husband has some deep seated emotional problems; and now you've
allowed him to make them your problems, too.  :-)  He's a crafty fellow.

I Always take mention of suicide very seriously, but his suicide
comments are absolutely NOT a reason to stay. If you stay, for that
reason, he will play this card every time things aren't going his way.
And, stay or go, he still might kill himself. I do not know if he is
joking or not.  Either way, your responsibility is limited. "How could I
leave?" you asked. Simple: find a place, and make a life for your self!

I am not insensitive or unfamiliar with depression, suicidal thoughts or
being without a job. However, I don't believe seriously depressed people
use their condition to manipulate others. If take appropriate care, and
he does happen to kill himself, you will not be responsible. You are
only responsible for doing your best to help him. That means counseling
and/or medication, period.

I despise manipulating people, such as your husband. I suspect he agreed
to one child just so you'd marry him. He probably already knew he'd balk
every time he needed to! The suicide comment is another manipulating
stunt! Examine the past five years: are there other incidences where he
has manipulated you? I'm sure you can spot them, if you try.

You will need help in finding out what makes your husband tick; why he
is so opposed to children; and why he even mentioned suicide as an
option. If he can't be healed, you have little choice but to move on.

From what I've noticed, some people don't want children because they
want all of the attention. Of course, there are other reasons!

I urge you not to settle for your present situation.
________________________
Whatever it takes.

For a start someone who is depressed and looking for a job is probablt not
in a good place mentally to be thinking about having children, anyway. You
say his not wanting children has become an issue lately, did it predate his
current crisis? Is it possible that he might view the idea more positively
once he has a new job and feels secure in it?

If he doesn't then if having a child is more important to you than sharing
your life with this man without children then yes, I do think you should
move on and allow him the possibility of finding someone else who also loves
him and who also shares his view of a future together. It's sad when spouses
can't agree on the question of having children but I agree with you that
children should be wanted by both parents and not just desired by one and
tolerated by the other.

Tai

You neglected to mention if you love him or not.  You described him as
a great guy; but great guys are not manipulative (in my book).  "For
the most part.." What part is good? So far what I see is that he is
dishonest...and again, I don't see that as being a great guy.  He is
not daddy  material is he has changed his mind and consider yourself
lucky to hear this now.  And the unborn child to be is far luckier to
have been spared a dad who did not want him or her.  There are
waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too many unwanted children on this planet.  If he
"hates kids, " as you say............and you want them, as you say; I
say, move on my dear.  Get out while you can.

If you can lead him in the direction of a job (which isn't really your
job) AND if you can lead him in a direction toward a good therapist or
give him a few suicidal hotline numbers (I'd check to see if they work
first), then you have done your job.  You are not on the planet to be
at his disposal, you are not here to hang in there with you as he
manipulates you and you were not created to make sure that you keep him
alive.

Depression is something that can be dealt with and so is unemployment.
Many in here have experienced one or both of those issues.  They are
curable (that will be disputed by at least one in here though, so get
ready :-)

Please, please, please, do not try to have children.  And whatever you
do, don't play his game and trick or manipulate him into having
children.  If you do, you'll be posting here for advice on how to
handle a father who hates his child.  Or you'll be dealing with your
local child protection service down the road.  LISTEN to his words.  He
hates children.  How can there be a question in your mind?