 |
 | Home | Contact Us | FAQ | Search & Site Map | Link to Us |
 | Sign In | Join | Other 45 Sites in Network |
Family Forum / Marriage / Marriage / August 2006having intamacy difficulty...
Hi, I have been married for 2yrs and although I used to love my husband before marriage we have discovered that we feel differently about many things and are almost in the process of an actual breakdown. We dont love each other enough to compromise anything for each other. I Married him as a Virgin and wanted to slowly but surely get comfortable with the idea. I dont know why but I cant do it, I get nervous and Im scared about the pain that I will experience. Seeing that we have been married for two yrs without having sex, my husband tends to voice out his frustrations on me not being able to relax about this, which makes it seem more scary and make me feel unable to relax. With the growing tension on other issues, I feel it useless even trying as you need to be involved entirely in a relationship and not just sex. I feel confused and dont know what to do... > Hi, I have been married for 2yrs and although I used to love my > husband [quoted text clipped - 19 lines] > be involved entirely in a relationship and not just sex. I feel > confused and dont know what to do... Get drunk and f*ck everything in sight.  SignatureNOTICE: Assume that I regard everything which anyone posts in Usenet as nothing more than a story, and so unless substantiated with supporting data, everything in my post was either my speculation or my opinion, and was offered in response to the story as presented by the poster, without regard to the parts of the story which were not posted, and probably without regard to some parts of the story which may have been posted elsewhere. These opinions and this advice are that of a layperson, and so use them at your own risk. >Hi, I have been married for 2yrs and although I used to love my husband >before marriage we have discovered that we feel differently about many [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] >with the idea. I dont know why but I cant do it, I get nervous and Im >scared about the pain that I will experience... So, your husband is locked in the toy store, but not allowed to play with his favorite toy? I can see why he might be bothered. Regarding your fear of the pain, go to a doctor and have him/her perforate your hymen with a scalpel, under a local anesthetic. Considering the essentials of compromise and communication,I don't think this will magically solve your marital differences, but surely you don't want to remain a virgin forever. Until you two can work through your problems, please, don't get pregnant. ________________________ Practice safe eating - always use condiments. > >Hi, I have been married for 2yrs and although I used to love my husband > >before marriage we have discovered that we feel differently about many [quoted text clipped - 8 lines] > > Regarding your fear of the pain, I have no recollection of htis hurting. Is this a matter of a poor memory, or is this different for different people? > go to a doctor and have him/her > perforate your hymen with a scalpel, under a local anesthetic. [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > Until you two can work through your problems, please, don't get > pregnant. Is that supposed to be a joke? I don't think I have ever seen you joke. > ________________________ > Practice safe eating - always use condiments. >> Regarding your fear of the pain, > > I have no recollection of htis hurting. Is this a matter of a poor > memory, > or is this different for different people? I think it's different for different people. I think my hymen might have ruptured on its own, years before I was ever sexually active. I can't know for sure of course, but I did have a small amount of bleeding when I was 13 that I thought was my first period, but then nothing for several more months until just after turning 14 when I started having them every month. Couple that with the fact that there was no blood my "first time", and it seems likely. Anyway, there was no first time pain for me either. Michael wrote: >> Until you two can work through your problems, please, don't get >> pregnant. > > Is that supposed to be a joke? I don't think I have ever seen you > joke. :-) I thought it must be. Zorra >>> Regarding your fear of the pain, >> [quoted text clipped - 19 lines] > > Zorra Why does everyone think this was a joke? Did I miss something? Bo > >>> Regarding your fear of the pain, > >> [quoted text clipped - 20 lines] > > Zorra > Why does everyone think this was a joke? Did I miss something? The OP is not having sex. How can they get pregnant? It is obviously a joke. I just have never seen AllYou let his hair down before. > Bo > "StephanieTheGoofy" <notgonnadoit@ihatespam.com> wrote in message >> > news:1Q4yg.44167$uJ2.30164@trndny02... [quoted text clipped - 32 lines] > joke. > I just have never seen AllYou let his hair down before. Ah... I took his 'don't get pregnant' statement as a subsequent warning after she visited the Dr and had the hymen procedure done... Is it just me or does anyone else have a hard time believing a couple can be married for TWO YEARS and still not have managed to penetrate? I would had my wife at the Dr's DURING the honeymoon if 3 or 4 days wasn't enough to break the barrier. However, I cant speak authoritatively here because she wasn't a virgin--and I've never had a virgin. Is/was loosing it THAT difficult/traumatic for women? bo > > "StephanieTheGoofy" <notgonnadoit@ihatespam.com> wrote in message > >> > news:1Q4yg.44167$uJ2.30164@trndny02... [quoted text clipped - 40 lines] > my wife at the Dr's DURING the honeymoon if 3 or 4 days wasn't enough to > break the barrier. I am reading this completely differently than you are. It is not that they are trying and failing to break something that is not exactly fort knox. They have not had sex becuase she is afraid to. > However, I cant speak authoritatively here because she > wasn't a virgin--and I've never had a virgin. Is/was loosing it THAT > difficult/traumatic for women? No. <snip> >> Ah... I took his 'don't get pregnant' statement as a subsequent warning >> after she visited the Dr and had the hymen procedure done... [quoted text clipped - 9 lines] > are trying and failing to break something that is not exactly fort knox. > They have not had sex becuase she is afraid to. oops.... my bad. I thought the earlier replies talking of Drs, hymens, etc was referring to, ahem, the Fort Knox problem. Just being afraid to try is a whole separate issue. Talk about irrational fears. I can't help but wonder if she and the DH discussed sex before they married. Why on earth would anyone get married with the belief sex wouldn't be part of it? She's damn lucky he hasn't broken over and either forced himself on her or found a willing partner. I wonder what sexual things she has done with him? Any? marriage without sex is like a kitchen without a stove.... sooner or later, someone is going to go find some hot food... Its unbelievable to me. Like saying, I ain't gonna eat chocolate ice cream because I'm afraid it's too cold and will hurt my mouth.... <shaking my head> >> However, I cant speak authoritatively here because she >> wasn't a virgin--and I've never had a virgin. Is/was loosing it THAT >> difficult/traumatic for women? >> > No. I didn't think so... but I wasn't sure. I'm not trying to be mean or crass, but quite frankly I just don't get it--to the point of wondering if OP was just a troll--and slipped under the ASM regular's troll radar. Bo hi, wow...what a response.....you arent exactly good at dealing with others issues are you? I guess the way you feel is the equavalent of how I feel about people scared of sitting in a plane or going up the Eifel Towers and looking down.... I dont get whats scarie about that. As to the discussion of sex before marriage, I guess its a cultural thing....We loved each others company soo much that we just enjoyed making out.... I just asked him, and he said he was honestly happy just having a snog.... I guess I thought that I will just be ready, but it was more like stage fright...which I wasnt expecting either..... I have performed every other activity except penetration, but we are working on it at the moment..... I guess, I dont get how it "fits"....dont laugh, but Im just confused..... hi, wow...what a response.....you arent exactly good at dealing with others issues are you? I guess the way you feel is the equavalent of how I feel about people scared of sitting in a plane or going up the Eifel Towers and looking down.... I dont get whats scarie about that. As to the discussion of sex before marriage, I guess its a cultural thing....We loved each others company soo much that we just enjoyed making out.... I just asked him, and he said he was honestly happy just having a snog.... I guess I thought that I will just be ready, but it was more like stage fright...which I wasnt expecting either..... I have performed every other activity except penetration, but we are working on it at the moment..... I guess, I dont get how it "fits"....dont laugh, but Im just confused..... >...I've never had a virgin. Is/was loosing it THAT >difficult/traumatic for women? I had that experience once, and found it to be most unnerving--for me. It did not seem to be very painful; and, contrary to adolescent rumors, it did not cause her to become permanently bound to me in any way. Subsequently, she told me we could have done it "two years ago." I was quite surprised, but did my best to make up for lost time. ________________________ If you're not living on the edge, you're taking up too much space. I am in my 2nd marriage and I dont go chasing after sex. My wife on the other hand keeps yelling she will turn back into a virgin at the rate we go. I try to avoid sex as it makes me uncomfortable, and akward. This is my 2nd marriage and I just lost some of the things involved with that part of marriage. I am just content coming home off the road (Im drive OTR) and having a clean home and someone to talk to that I can actually get along with. >> "StephanieTheGoofy" <notgonnadoit@ihatespam.com> wrote in message >>> > news:1Q4yg.44167$uJ2.30164@trndny02... [quoted text clipped - 46 lines] > > bo >"Michael A. Ball" <Guardian@wireco.net> wrote in message >... [quoted text clipped - 7 lines] > >Is that supposed to be a joke? I don't think I have ever seen you joke. No, I was serious. A six second surgical procedure is simple: working out the rest of their problems will not be simple. As Bo correctly interpreted, the cautionary statement is for after the doctor visit. My sense of humor is a bit, let's say "different"; so, I don't joke very often. Occasionally, I use a strategy dash of sarcasm to lighten the mood and/or explore. ___________________________ Don't sweat the small stuff--and most of it is small stuff. :-) > I have no recollection of htis hurting. Is this a matter of a poor > memory, or is this different for different people? It was comparable to the pain of having my ear pierced - a sharp rip that made me jump and bang my head but it didn't hurt afterwards. It had taken a couple of separate attempts 'cos my hymen was fairly tough and that aspect was a little frustrating but I wasn't the least bit frightened or scared of the pain, it was just an engineering problem we were working out how to get past... Tai > > >Hi, I have been married for 2yrs and although I used to love my husband > > >before marriage we have discovered that we feel differently about many [quoted text clipped - 11 lines] > I have no recollection of htis hurting. Is this a matter of a poor memory, > or is this different for different people? No. It didn't for me. However, if she is nervous/apprehensive and her husband hasn't take the time to arouse her sufficiently, then yes it may very well hurt for her if she is not lubricated enough. Hymen has nothing to do with it. Most western women have ruptured the hymen long before the first time they have intercourse through normal, active lifestyles. > > go to a doctor and have him/her > > perforate your hymen with a scalpel, under a local anesthetic. [quoted text clipped - 9 lines] > > ________________________ > > Practice safe eating - always use condiments. > > > >Hi, I have been married for 2yrs and although I used to love my husband > > > >before marriage we have discovered that we feel differently about many [quoted text clipped - 18 lines] > before the first time they have intercourse through normal, active > lifestyles. <short term lurker decloaking> Another option for the OP to consider is a condition called vaginismus, which can prevent some women from having full blown intercourse. Here is a link to some info about it: http://www.psychnet-uk.com/dsm_iv/vaginismus_disorder.htm And some pertinent extracts: ************************************************************************** Vaginal tightness, or difficulty or inability to allow penetration for intercourse is the primary symptom of Vaginismus. Normally, the vaginal sphincter keeps the vagina closed until (sexual stimulation) the need to expand and relax. This relaxation allows intercourse, childbirth, medical examination and insertion of tampons. Therefore, vaginismus occurs when the vagina is unable to relax and permit the penetration of the penis during intercourse however, when vaginismus does occur, the sphincter goes into spasm resulting in the tightening of the vagina. With some women, vaginismus prevents all attempts at successful intercourse. Vaginismus is not uncommon and may occur later in life, even if a woman has a history of enjoyable and painless intercourse. The cause of vaginismus is often a result of an aversive stimulus associated with penetration. Some of the more common aversive stimuli are traumatic sexual assaults, painful intercourse, and traumatic pelvic exam. Vaginismus may not only result from past sexual trauma but also the patient having strong inhibitions about sex stemming from strict religious orthodoxy or cultural norms. This disorder does not mean that women suffering from this disorder are frigid. Many are very sexually responsive and may have orgasms through clitoral stimulation. Many women with vaginismus may seek sexual contact and sexual foreplay as long as actual intercourse/vaginal penetration is avoided. ************************************************************************** This may not be anything to do with what the OP is experiencing but it's worth checking out, as if it is, it's unlikely that she will just be able to lie back and think of England and everything will magically go all right. Cheers Helen Shah, I'm not trying to be critical but let me give you a man's perspective. I believe that there is a resonable expectation on both the man and the woman's part that there is sex in marriage. After all, that is how we all got here. In this day and age the fact that your husband did not expect to have sex before you got married says alot for him. I can understand his frustration after two years. Most men would have already got it someplace else. Your statement about there being more to marriage than sex is true. However, sex is a normal and important part of marriage. If you actually "make love" and don't just "have sex" I think you will find the emotional bond you build between one another is nothing like anything else you experience in life. You stated that you are experiencing other problems and can't agree on anything. Marriage is give and take. Maybe if you set down and have a honest open discussion with you husband you can work through some things and get the flame back in your relationship. He may not compromise because of the frustration he is feeling over not having sex. Men need that sexual release of tension. Your husband also needs to feel wanted. When you reject him I'm sure that you make him feel unloved, unwanted and undesired. I think if you will start making love to him you will find a changed man. Since I am a man I can not comment on any pain or anything else associated with having sex for the first time for a woman. I suggest you talk to a female counselor about your fears. If you decide to make love talk to your husband about it first. Take the first step by waiting until a time when there is not a lot of tension between you. When he comes home have a romantic dinner for him. Over dinner discuss your fears and tell him that you are willing to try but that you need to start out slow and let you control the speed. Have some candles and music, maybe a fire in the fireplace if you have one. Get relaxed by having some and giving each other a rub down and let things proceed slowly. I'm not trying to be dirty or nothing like that but consider letting him start by performing oral sex on you and maybe using his fingers before taking it to the next level. I hope this helps. I'm struggling with a similar problem with my wife of four years. She has had some bad experiences in her past and she has lost interest in sex. I try to be understanding and I have been faithful but it is difficult because that physical desire and need is still there and is not being taken care of. Good Luck! wrote: > Hi, I have been married for 2yrs and although I used to love my husband > before marriage we have discovered that we feel differently about many [quoted text clipped - 9 lines] > be involved entirely in a relationship and not just sex. I feel > confused and dont know what to do... hi shotgun, Thank you for your support and feedback. I was reading through all the input people had. some dont get it, thats fine. I was married a virgin and have done everything else but penetration in my marriage. Maybe its important to point out that we have been seperated for half the time and have just been back for thr past four months. Seperated due to the growing difference. I have taken all suggestions into account and will work on it. Im just a little nervous as you might understand. There was sooo much pressure on the beginning of the marriage to do it, that I just got more tense about it. I will work on it..... lets see how things go..... |
Reply to this Message |
 Sign In
 Join
 My Latest Posts My Monitored Threads My Blog My Photo Gallery My Profile My Homepage Start New Thread Enable EMail Alerts Rate this Thread
|
©2010 Advenet LLC Privacy Policy - Terms of Use
This website includes both content owned or controlled by Advenet as well as content owned or controlled by third parties.