Family Forum / Marriage / Marriage / August 2006

First, use paragraphs when you write.  It'll make your posts readable.

He doesn't value his marriage above his friends.  You know he isn't
going to change.  So, its his way or the highway.  The question now is:
Are you one of thoese passive-dependent types who'll take whatever
sh*t he puts you through, or do you have enuff self-respect to accept
that you made a poor choice for a husband and hit the road?  =R=

<snipped>

Uhm, he's working on a farm and he's staying out until 6am?
Consistently?

What kind of farm is he working on that he can stay out until 6am and
be able to keep his job?

Hmmm... That's his reasoning for not wanting a divorce?

I put up with that sort of thing for 9 years.  It didn't get better,
even after I'd left for a few weeks and our son (then 6yo) had told my
ex that we weren't moving back unless the ex promised to spend time
with us on a regular basis.  He promised, but didn't follow through.

If this guy is telling you outright that his friends are more important
and he's not going to change, then he's probably not going to change.
My suggestion - tell him marriage counseling or divorce, his choice.

Kitten

I understand where you're coming from. I think a very FIRM 'I am not
interested returning your advances AT ALL so please do NOT devalue me
in this way. I do not like the way you <insert his behaviour here> and
I will not tolerate it. If you continue I will continue to tell you the
same thing, and that is NO."

Then, if he does continue, repeat this sentence, state the answer is
no, state his behaviour and finally state you will say no if he acts
like this again.

Be clear. Usually it only takes one time to say this. If he is
persistant you may need to state this again but he will UNDERSTAND you
are not interested. Show no interest in his flattery or his attention
and do not return any sort of attention toward him.

Tell your husband that is what you will do.

And do it.

Seems he likes the challenge, likes to cause chaos, and is
disrespectful to you and your husband.

Try it. I've done this, and they never attempt any sort of misconduct
again. People generally only try this on if the other party is
responding (not saying you are, but maybe your giving him the wrong
signals).

Temily

Top posting to mention that you chose a really odd screenname,
if you're really seeking advice.

It's time to reflect on who owns what.  Are you living in a house
that he purchased prior to your marriage?  Do you work?  Are you
completely dependant upon him financially?

If you are getting a free place to live out of this, and have nowhere
else to go, I suppose you should stay where you are until you
find a job and can leave.

Otherwise, I agree with the poster who said (if she didn't make it
clear)
that you should cease regarding this as a marriage.  Don't have sex
with him, don't fix him dinner, etc.  You're roommates, now.  There
are more men like this out there - and some not only do not care if
their friends proposition you, but wouldn't care if you had sex with
them -
some even encourage it.

A.

'But what irritates me more is he still chooses to hang out with this
man after what has happened!!!! He hasn't gotten to the point now where
he doesn't come home till 6am in the morning! He told me he won't give
up his friends and that he has known them longer than he has me. So I
left him this past Sunday and came back after 3 days and we are
discussing divorce. He doesn't want one, b/c this will be his second
one, but he doesn't want to change. He told me he is set in his ways.
Like tonight he is with his buddies and I'm home alone (as usual). I
know I need to leave him, but I wanted some advice and see if anyone has
or is going through what I'm going through.'

REPLY: Its called 'wanting your cake and eating it too' .  Evidentally,
your husband when you were dating,  wasnt ready to change his life over
to a Married Mans Life..and he still isnt. So, my question to you is :
Didnt you get any signs of this when you were dating ?   Now..onto what
to do :  Heres your options ---

1. Tell him politely what your needs and expectations are in a marriage.
Ask him if he thinks he can meet them.

2.  If he still wants to keep up the usual schedule of acting like a
Single Man, then ask him if hed be willing to go to Marriage Counselling
where the commitment made to get married, can be thoroughly discussed by
a Professional .

3.  If he refuses,  then  set a boundary as follows :  Tell him if his
behavior of living like a SIngle continues,  that you will have no other
choice than to leave the marriage because it isnt a marriage, and you
shall want your own single life back again too.

4.  The final outcome wil be : You both will either work on the marriage
thru counselling, or, you shall terminate the 'marriage' and will have
learned a very valueable lesson on how to pick a lifelong marriage
partner.  

5. If you divorce, then, get the book which was a best seller and is
designed to choose the CORRECT marriage partner in an objective manner

describes the 7 deadly errors people make when choosing a marriage
partner ; and, im afraid your husbands behavior (immaturity and
nacissism) is one of them. No, two of them !

Good luck.

If the 'sham' screen name you are using refers to your feeling as if your
marriage is a sham I'm inclined to agree with you.

You can do much better, if you don't have children with this man, move on -
if he doesn't know being married means his first loyalty should now be to
you he's unlikely to learn it on his second marriage.

I'm sorry but you two have such different ideas about how marriage should
work I don't see much hope for you.

Tai