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Family Forum / Marriage / Marriage / September 2006Update
A month ago we celebrated our 40th wedding anniversary three days running. (various activities -- an outdoor festival, musical, and boat cruise.) It was so-so. Yesterday was the last time for the indefinite future that we will be going to joint marriage counselling. On the way I told her I thought it was time to stop but that I wanted to meet with our therapist privately to work on my issues. She wasn't enthusiastic, but didn't raise any objections either. Our therapist was quite receptive to the idea. -- Ted > A month ago we celebrated our 40th wedding anniversary three days running. > (various activities -- an outdoor festival, musical, and boat cruise.) Congrats on your 40th! > It was so-so. > > Yesterday was the last time for the indefinite future that we will be going > to joint marriage counselling. Wow, finally!!! How long were you in counseling? > On the way I told her I thought it was time to stop but that I wanted to > meet with our therapist privately to work on my issues. That was brave of you :-) She wasn't > enthusiastic, but didn't raise any objections either. Not what you expected, eh? Our therapist was > quite receptive to the idea. I'll bet. He doesn't want to lose that steady income. I say that half in jest. The other half in truth. You've been with him for how long? > > A month ago we celebrated our 40th wedding anniversary three days running. > > (various activities -- an outdoor festival, musical, and boat cruise.) [quoted text clipped - 7 lines] > > Wow, finally!!! How long were you in counseling? (see below) > > On the way I told her I thought it was time to stop but that I wanted to > > meet with our therapist privately to work on my issues. > > That was brave of you :-) I was terrified at the idea of suggesting it. > She wasn't > > enthusiastic, but didn't raise any objections either. > > Not what you expected, eh? Nope. I either expected her to be enthusiastic about the idea of not having to go again, or very upset because she couldn't go. > Our therapist was > > quite receptive to the idea. > > > I'll bet. He doesn't want to lose that steady income. I say that half > in jest. The other half in truth. You've been with him for how long? I read him as taking it as a sign of progress of some kind. That was the 100th session I had with him. The first seven were privately; the rest all joint (except for that one time she was sick.) Our first joint session was four years and two months ago. -- Ted > > > A month ago we celebrated our 40th wedding anniversary three days > running. [quoted text clipped - 41 lines] > -- > Ted Ted, I don't know you or your wife, but I am glad you made progress sometimes the only thing people get out of therapy is mixed messages. > Ted, I don't know you or your wife, but I am glad you made progress > sometimes the only thing people get out of therapy is mixed messages. I've never heard that nor have I experienced that in therapy. Are you talking about the therapist giving mixed messages or are you talking about the clients giving mixed messages to the therapist and/or each other? If you're talking about a therapist giving mixed messages, It's safe to say that you're talking about some pretty bad therapists. > > Ted, I don't know you or your wife, but I am glad you made progress > > sometimes the only thing people get out of therapy is mixed messages. [quoted text clipped - 6 lines] > If you're talking about a therapist giving mixed messages, It's safe to > say that you're talking about some pretty bad therapists. La Mer, I didn't mean the therapist gives mixed messages just that people seem to see the messages as different. (snip) > Ted, I don't know you or your wife, but I am glad you made progress > sometimes the only thing people get out of therapy is mixed messages. This may be true for people who are looking for their therapist to tell them what to do. But that isn't the therapist's job, is it? > (snip) > [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > > But that isn't the therapist's job, is it? No, it's not the job of a good therapist. I do like therapists that give homework though. That way, you can put into practice what was discussed in the office. I can't see how that could be interpreted as a mixed message. > > (snip) > > [quoted text clipped - 8 lines] > No, it's not the job of a good therapist. I do like therapists that > give homework though. Me too. > That way, you can put into practice what was > discussed in the office. Or, learn what you don't really want to put into practice, and consider what that means! > I can't see how that could be interpreted as > a mixed message. > (snip) > [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > > But that isn't the therapist's job, is it? It isn't the therapist's job to make decisions for you, but it is her job (IMO) to tell you what to do in the sense of figuring it out. E.g. stop hiding in your room and start talking this over, or stop bringing up old grievances and just discuss the current issue. I think those therapists who just listen and sympathize aren't doing their jobs. > > (snip) > > [quoted text clipped - 13 lines] > I think those therapists who just listen and sympathize aren't doing > their jobs. Once again, I never said it was the therapists job...it'is about an individual's perceptions and when it's couples counseling, there could be mixed perceptions. > > (snip) > > [quoted text clipped - 8 lines] > It isn't the therapist's job to make decisions for you, but it is her > job (IMO) to tell you what to do in the sense of figuring it out. I see a therapist's job as helping you to figure it out. I believe that most people have the ability (as long as they are fairly well functioning) to figure it out with the support of a good shrink. It's also my belief that most people have most of the answers within; they just need help getting them out. E.g. > stop hiding in your room and start talking this over, or stop bringing > up old grievances and just discuss the current issue. It is, in my opinion, a therapist's job to keep the therapy session focused on the issues at hand. I have found many therapists who allow the sessions to get out of control; sort of kitchen sink style. > I think those therapists who just listen and sympathize aren't doing > their jobs. I think that being a good listener and having the ability to empathize are crucial skills of a good therapist. Looking at clients as individuals and treating each accordingly. One size does not fit all in therapy. Some clients have never had a person listen and/or empathize with their situation. However, there are many other fundamentals that a good therapist must possess. In my opinion, goals are crucial. Why are we here and what do we want to accomplish. Time frames. Homework. Expecting accountability from the client(s). Periodically assessing the goals and accomplishments; addressing new goals or figuring out time frames in which to re-assess the progress. On occassion, referring clients elsewhere when/if the client's needs are not being met. I strongly disagree with counseling that goes on indefinitely. I could go on for hours. :-) > I think that being a good listener and having the ability to empathize > are crucial skills of a good therapist. Looking at clients as > individuals and treating each accordingly. One size does not fit all > in therapy. Some clients have never had a person listen and/or > empathize with their situation. That's one problem I didn't have! > However, there are many other fundamentals that a good therapist must > possess. In my opinion, goals are crucial. Why are we here and what [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > disagree with counseling that goes on indefinitely. I could go on for > hours. :-) Believe it or not, I agree with you Caren. I wonder what the therapist is supposed to do if the clients have quite different goals, or, at least, that one of them has no goals and doesn't want to do homework? -- Ted > > (snip) > > [quoted text clipped - 13 lines] > I think those therapists who just listen and sympathize aren't doing > their jobs. I agree. THe kinds of therapists who seem useful to me are those who will help you figure out how to get what you want. You still have to be willing to figure out what you want (although sometimes therapy can help with that, I suppose) and have to be willing to do something to get it. >A month ago we celebrated our 40th wedding anniversary three days running. >(various activities -- an outdoor festival, musical, and boat cruise.) > >It was so-so. Congrats on your 40th! No matter how lackluster, it's quite an accomplishment. Despite the issues, you're still together after all this time. I bailed out shortly before 20 years. Not sorry I did so, but there will always be residual regret that I wasn't able to choose wisely enough, way back when, to find someone I could love and grow and fight and make up with for all of my life. >Yesterday was the last time for the indefinite future that we will be going >to joint marriage counselling. >On the way I told her I thought it was time to stop but that I wanted to >meet with our therapist privately to work on my issues. She wasn't >enthusiastic, but didn't raise any objections either. Our therapist was >quite receptive to the idea. I'm glad you're continuing to work on your issues. Stopping counseling for you, I think, would be stopping growth. Barb > Congrats on your 40th! No matter how lackluster, it's quite an > accomplishment. Despite the issues, you're still together after all > this time. We both attribute it mostly to inertia. Not a bad thing, though. > I bailed out shortly before 20 years. Not sorry I did so, but there > will always be residual regret that I wasn't able to choose wisely > enough, way back when, to find someone I could love and grow and fight > and make up with for all of my life. I suspect that may be one of our big problems -- we never fight. Too afraid to. > I'm glad you're continuing to work on your issues. Stopping > counseling for you, I think, would be stopping growth. Oh, I never considered stopping for myself. -- Ted > A month ago we celebrated our 40th wedding anniversary three days running. > (various activities -- an outdoor festival, musical, and boat cruise.) [quoted text clipped - 10 lines] > -- > Ted Ted, I don't know you or your wife, but I would like to congratulate you on your progress most people only walk away from counseling with mixed messages. > A month ago we celebrated our 40th wedding anniversary three days running. > (various activities -- an outdoor festival, musical, and boat cruise.) [quoted text clipped - 7 lines] > enthusiastic, but didn't raise any objections either. Our therapist was > quite receptive to the idea. Well, Ted - I hope that this will be a good thing for you. Given you fear of being open with your wife, it does open up more possibilities for you to be honest with your therapist. > Well, Ted - I hope that this will be a good thing for you. Given you > fear of being open with your wife, it does open up more possibilities > for you to be honest with your therapist. That's what I'm hoping too. While I suppose I could have done it sooner, this felt like the right time. It was encouraging that she didn't freak out at the idea I'd be meeting with him alone -- which she would have at least at the beginning. So maybe we needed some time, even if not this long, for her to be comfortable enough with him not to worry. -- Ted > A month ago we celebrated our 40th wedding anniversary three days running. > (various activities -- an outdoor festival, musical, and boat cruise.) [quoted text clipped - 10 lines] > -- > Ted What is wrong with a 3-day celebration of a wedding anniversary? What more could you want? Our 35th is coming up in just over a fortnight, and I know what it will be like - a discussion of how our finances aren't what my wife considers herself entitled to expect (poverty line is $0.5m). Doug L.  SignatureIt is all right letting yourself go as long as you can let yourself back. - Mick Jagger. More appositely: Hell is Heaven for a married man. |
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