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Family Forum / Marriage / Marriage / October 2006different views on Sundays
Hello all My wife and I have been married a few months now. She is somewhat religious, I am not particularly but do belong to a faith. She goes to church once a month roughly and I attend with her as she asked me to, even before marriage. I do not participate in communion or anything as I do not belong to her faith. I attend as her husband but I don't get much out of it despite paying attention and listening to whats going on. Some things that have been preached are just out to lunch afaiac. Anyway, she has in the past said she doesn't approve of me working on Sundays, ie, chores, hammering/sawing, shopping etc. I said,well, thats it, thats what I do. She knew this before marriage and tried to settle it. There have been other issues come up that we settled before marriage but this was not one of them. Since marriage she has asked me to stop building a garage on Sundays I am working on. I have said I can't afford the time not to do it on a Sunday, and I just don't share this belief. I also understood 'work on a Sunday' to be anything from washing/waxing my car, working on my car, or doing whatever. After a few weeks of this she finally got upset at me because she has asked me not to do this many times and I don't listen. To make a long story short, she gave me a choice and I also learned its hammer/sawing in particular she doesn't approve of on Sundays. Most other things I like are ok. So I relunctly agreed. Now I feel lousy because I have to adhere to something I don't agree with. But this is the tip of the ice berg I expect, because I expect for her to say some day it's time to join her religion, time to start participating in communion, etc etc. And I do nto feel comfortable doing so, as this is just not my thing. I am not saying I don't believe in God, but the way others do is something I don't see eye to eye with. So my question is...in marriage, should I be respecting her beliefs? by giving up certain things on a Sunday? should I be expected to join her faith? Whats my role here. I understand that compromises are made in marriage etc, but to what point? Thanks > X-No-Archive: Yes > [quoted text clipped - 20 lines] > whatever. After a few weeks of this she finally got upset at me because > she has asked me not to do this many times and I don't listen. "Don't listen" does not equal do what I say. If she asked you, and you refrained from responding, then that would be not listening. Have you spoken to her about the fact that since it is not your belief that you are not going to honor that? > To make a long story short, she gave me a choice and I also learned its > hammer/sawing in particular she doesn't approve of on Sundays. Most other [quoted text clipped - 11 lines] > faith? Whats my role here. I understand that compromises are made in > marriage etc, but to what point? Respecting her beliefs does not equal sharing them. She is entitled to share with you what she would like from you. You are entitled to disagree. Get over to marriagebuilders.com and learn about how to discuss this without sparking a heated problem. And talk it over with her. Let her know that this is one you do not want to change. If you don't have say in what you do, you run the risk of losing yourself in doing what she says. Neither of you will like that result. > Thanks > "Don't listen" does not equal do what I say. If she asked you, and you > refrained from responding, then that would be not listening. Have you > spoken to her about the fact that since it is not your belief that you are > not going to honor that? Oh yes, we have spoken. I have said I have done these thigns on Sundays my entire life and she knew prior to marriage I did. But she says thats the way her family has treated Sundays, so our home should be no different. > Respecting her beliefs does not equal sharing them. She is entitled to > share with you what she would like from you. You are entitled to disagree. [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > >> Thanks Thanks for the web tip. Running the risk of losing myself is exactly how I feel, thanks for clearing that up in my mind. >> "Don't listen" does not equal do what I say. If she asked you, and you >> refrained from responding, then that would be not listening. Have you [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > entire life and she knew prior to marriage I did. But she says thats the > way her family has treated Sundays, so our home should be no different. She does not have the right to unilaterally dictate that. I tried to do this with my husband. Do you agree with her that the way she did it growing up is the way it should be? Why would the way her family did things supercede the way your family did? I guess those are the questions I would ask if I were in the same place. In fact, those were the kinds of questions DH did ask when I was putting him in the same situation many zillions of years ago. >> Respecting her beliefs does not equal sharing them. She is entitled to >> share with you what she would like from you. You are entitled to [quoted text clipped - 8 lines] > Thanks for the web tip. Running the risk of losing myself is exactly how I > feel, thanks for clearing that up in my mind. There is a balance between being a milque toast and being a hard assed jerk. That balance is hard to find. > Oh yes, we have spoken. I have said I have done these things on > Sundays my entire life and she knew prior to marriage I did. But > she says thats the way her family has treated Sundays, so our home > should be no different. My ex and I had a somewhat similar issue in that she was from a family who not only felt the same way, but also expected us go to their house every Sunday after church for dinner (a/k/a lunch). At least she did not share the "no work" nonsense. Do they eat on Sunday's? Watch TV? Use electricity+water? So, someone cooks+cleans or runs the restaurant. A whole slew of people (including the NFL) works to broadcast TV. Someone's maintaining the utilities. So, what they want for themselves doesn't apply for those who serve them. Its hypocritical and absurd. Unfortunately, this is not something you can argue logically with these people. IMHO, you'll have to humor them if you do not want this issue to destroy your marriage. My 2 cents: Avoid the stuff that draw her objections and find stuff that keeps you otherwise occupied. What I did: Watched TV with her parents, bored out of my skull, or made excuses and ran errands (at Home Depot). =Rog'= > > "Don't listen" does not equal do what I say. If she asked you, and you > > refrained from responding, then that would be not listening. Have you [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > entire life and she knew prior to marriage I did. But she says thats the way > her family has treated Sundays, so our home should be no different. OK, going to let my twisted Irish sense of humor into this a bit. What are her views on headship? ;-) Here's a bit of background: I grew up not nearly as strictly as your wife seems to have, but my grandparents had us in church every Sunday. We didn't go to church ever time the doors were open, but we were very regular, "set the clock by it" Sunday morning participants. My grandparents also applied their understanding of scriptures to our entire lives throughout the week, but it was more along the lines of living Matthew 5, rather than being legalistic. Old-fashioned, back-home, country Southern Baptist (as opposed to the stereotypes). My husband was raised in a very different part of the country, and in a different faith (Episcopalian). He walked away from what he'd been raised with because he wasn't seeing what was taught in church lived out in people's lives. By the time he and I met, he'd started attending a Unity church, but more as a "seeker," someone looking for a faith which felt solid. Fast forward - 3.5 years ago, we converted to Mennonite. We attend an urban "liberal" Mennonite church in Texas, which is very different from Lancaster County, PA with respect to Ordnung but very close with respect to faith. Since then, we've had numerous discussions of headship, dress, covering, etc. It's been an interesting path and learning experience for us. We'd actually had several discussions about headship prior to joining the Mennonite church and have made many changes in that direction over the past 7 years. Soooo.... with that in mind... I'd be very interested to know what her family's faith-based views are on headship. If they are anywhere near as strict as her views are on Sundays.... But now, away from that bit. In our household, we keep in mind God's directive to "Remember the Sabbath and keep it Holy." My husband, until a week ago, was working an hour from home. Saturdays and Sunday afternoons were the only time he could do anything around our farm. For him, doing repairs and working with the livestock are *very* relaxing and help him feel closer to God. So, for *him*, a part of keeping the Sabbath has been to connect with God through caring for our animals, which includes doing repair and maintainance around the place. However, for me, since I work on the farm all week, Sundays are my days to *not* do lots of work around the place, except for doing a few things wtih my husband, which *to ME* helps bring me closer to God, because I consider my husband to be a gift from God. So, to simplify that - How one keeps the Sabbath, to us, depends upon the person and what helps bring that person closer to God. It is very personal, and there is no one person who can determine that for another. What helps *you* to feel closer to God? Kitten What helps *you* to feel closer to God? > Kitten I don't have this spirtual connection you ask about. I'm not saying I don't believe in God, but I don't really pray or seek spirtual guidance. I often question stories in the Bible. For example, one time we went to her church and the sermon was on Jesus feeding the 5000 people with some bread and fish given to him by a poor boy. A very moral story I gave it that. But the minister speaking basically said because this story is told in the 4 gospels, by 4 different people (Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John) it HAS to be true despite what critics say. I side with science and logic, and to me that was unbelieveable (what was said). My jaw dropped, and people around me were soaking it all in. As for religion throughout the week, I don't see her practicing any at all. Church once every 3 weeks, and limited work on Sundays. Not sure what to think there. [snip] >As for religion throughout the week, I don't see her practicing any at all. >Church once every 3 weeks, and limited work on Sundays. Not sure what to >think there. I haven't been reading much of the thread, and paraphrased what I had read to my wife. She commented that it sounded like the 'how do you celebrate Thanksgiving' problem. There are a lot of details in how you do it that you simply never think about, but are surprised and can be hurt if your partner doesn't do it right or let you do it right. So your wife doesn't go that often to church, nor do what you would think of as 'practicing' in between times. As with whether you sear the turkey or not, whether you have cranberries the right way (slorsh out of the can, with the can's ridges still visible on the mass that's on the plate) or wrong way (anything else), etc. etc. there's a lot of "It just IS" involved. It is very difficult to think about these things that are so obvious. Consequently, it'll take some time in talking to your wife about what it is that she considers important to be done or not done on Sunday before she's going to be able to say much coherent. It's also important to remember that since these are childhood things, she may not have any sort of reason (even less a persuasive reason) for her preferences -- and that this lack does not make them any less important to her. Hopefully after a while of discussion she will indeed find what it is that is important to her, and you can figure out what is important to you, and the two of you can find a way of satisfying both sets of 'important' at the same time. But it's a while.  SignatureRobert Grumbine http://www.radix.net/~bobg/ Science faqs and amateur activities notes and links. Sagredo (Galileo Galilei) "You present these recondite matters with too much evidence and ease; this great facility makes them less appreciated than they would be had they been presented in a more abstruse manner." Two New Sciences > What helps *you* to feel closer to God? > > [quoted text clipped - 10 lines] > was unbelieveable (what was said). My jaw dropped, and people around me were > soaking it all in. Pffft! One of the things I love about the Mennonite church is that we're *always* questioning, weighing, searching. Always. From what I've seen of the world, *blind* faith leads to extremist fundamentalism, which exists in every religion, Christian or not. > As for religion throughout the week, I don't see her practicing any at all. > Church once every 3 weeks, and limited work on Sundays. Not sure what to > think there. Sounds to me like she's practicing "shoulds" rather than faith. Real faith, in anything, is lived out in daily life. JMO. Kitten > X-No-Archive: Yes > > So my question is...in marriage, should I be respecting her beliefs? by > giving up certain things on a Sunday? should I be expected to join her > faith? Whats my role here. I understand that compromises are made in > marriage etc, but to what point? I think that you *are* compromising in going to services with her, particularly as you are going purely for her, as you do not share the same faith. I think that asking you to give up an entire day in honor of a religion you don't share, is kind of unreasonable. That doesn't answer the question I think you are actually asking, however, which is how to resolve the conflict. You mention that she goes to her church once a month, which I find odd in someone who wants to extend religion to cover the whole day. My suggestion would be to offer to accompany her to church every single sunday to support her beliefs, but to explain that you are not going to alter your activities *after* church, as you do not share her religious convictions. I'd be interested to see if she starts going every sunday. If not, I'd wonder how much of her desire is religious, and how much is just a control issue. Donna >> X-No-Archive: Yes >> [quoted text clipped - 23 lines] > > Donna Prior marriage she went to church more regularly, perhaps once every 2-3 weeks. This is more of how she was raised than a control issue. It is what her family did since she was born and now she is trying to mimic her parents household. But putting that aside, I guess my question was still how does one respect different beliefs of their partner. On top of it, it doesn't make sense as to why some work is acceptable and others is not. Its a big grey area. Either nothing gets done on Sunday, or anything. Not in between. Oh well. > Prior marriage she went to church more regularly, perhaps once every 2-3 > weeks. This is more of how she was raised than a control issue. It is what [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > others is not. Its a big grey area. Either nothing gets done on Sunday, or > anything. Not in between. Oh well. Having read the other posts, I'm kind of getting an idea that this is less about religion or control, and more just newlywed stuff. How do we open presents the night before or the morning of christmas, do we serve mashed potatos or sweet potatos for Thanksgiving, etc, etc. Which is kind of hopeful, in my opinion, because *every* single marriage goes through this. The first year of marriage is much harder than any of us expect, for exactly these reasons. May I suggest that you look on this as an excellent way to establish the negotiation pattern the two of you will follow for the rest of your marriage? My own personal biases lead me to suggest that you both go to a counselor -- not because your marriage is in danger, but purely to get a few more "marital tools" in your toolbox. I would think that three or four sessions with a therapist who can teach both of you how to negotiate differences, how to compromise so that everyone feels good, would be incredibly valuable. Think of it as taking a month-long class in marriage, not as marital therapy, if that helps. This is a great opportunity for you and your wife to pick up some really necessary marital skills, early, while you are still crazy about each other and excited about making things work. Donna >> Prior marriage she went to church more regularly, perhaps once every 2-3 >> weeks. This is more of how she was raised than a control issue. It is [quoted text clipped - 13 lines] > The first year of marriage is much harder than any of us expect, for > exactly these reasons. Yippereeee. > May I suggest that you look on this as an excellent way to establish the > negotiation pattern the two of you will follow for the rest of your > marriage? Seconded. > My own personal biases lead me to suggest that you both go to a > counselor -- not because your marriage is in danger, but purely to get a [quoted text clipped - 9 lines] > > Donna > On top of it, it doesn't make sense as to why some work is acceptable and > others is not. Its a big grey area. Either nothing gets done on Sunday, or > anything. Not in between. I think you are holding your wife to an unhelpful standard here. She isn't writing a stature. She is having an emotional reaction. > > On top of it, it doesn't make sense as to why some work is acceptable and > > others is not. Its a big grey area. Either nothing gets done on Sunday, or > > anything. Not in between. > > I think you are holding your wife to an unhelpful standard here. She > isn't writing a stature. She is having an emotional reaction. She isn't writing a *statute* I mean. That may not have been a decipherable typo. > > > On top of it, it doesn't make sense as to why some work is acceptable and > > > others is not. Its a big grey area. Either nothing gets done on Sunday, or [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > She isn't writing a *statute* I mean. That may not have been a > decipherable typo. What typo? lol... Yesterday, I was part of a group doing a particular reading at church. (It was a very interesting reading, btw.) A couple weeks ago, we'd done a run-through just to familiarize ourselves with it. There was one section talking about the time-period (1500's era) when Anabaptists were being burned at the stake. As we did the run-through, I read right through my part about Dirk Willems being burned at the stake after he'd escaped captivity, only to go back to rescue his persuer from drowning when he'd fallen through the ice on the moat around the castle where they'd held Willems captive. After we were done with the run-through, everyone else started talking about the place where there was a blatant typo that threw them all. They were complimenting me on reading right past it without missing a beat. "What typo?" "Stake was typed stack." "I didn't see it. Maybe it's correct in mine? But it shouldn't be, because I have a copy, just like y'all." We started going through the papers we held. I found "stake" in mine, in one of the passages I was to read. We all thought that odd, that there was no way that theirs had a typo and mine didn't. Then we found it. Stack. Right in the middle of my readings. And I'd seen it as stake. Funny how our minds work sometimes. Kitten > Then we found it. Stack. Right in the middle of my readings. And I'd > seen it as stake. > > Funny how our minds work sometimes. Oh yeah, I read typos as being correct all the time. But that only works if I know what the word ought to be. If it is something unexpected, I get stopped. > > Then we found it. Stack. Right in the middle of my readings. And I'd > > seen it as stake. > > > > Funny how our minds work sometimes. > > Oh yeah, I read typos as being correct all the time. Did you know they've actually come up with a name for that? I just don't recall what it is. There's a lady at church who mentioned it, when she and I were discussing neuroscience. <g> We both were quite happy to find another person who perseverates on the topic. Kitten >>> X-No-Archive: Yes >>> [quoted text clipped - 32 lines] > On top of it, it doesn't make sense as to why some work is acceptable and > others is not. How does she feel about lawn mowing? Do you have neighbors or family that live within earshot? I ask, because one of the things that sawing and hammering have in common (assuming you are using a power saw) is that they are noisy. Could it possibly be that she is bothered most by "noisy" work, because it is audibly advertising that you guys aren't keeping Sunday as a religious sabbath? Maybe she feels self-conscious about other people *knowing* that you are working, because they can hear it? Its a big grey area. Either nothing gets done on Sunday, or > anything. Not in between. Oh well. > How does she feel about lawn mowing? Do you have neighbors or family that > live within earshot? I ask, because one of the things that sawing and [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > Sunday as a religious sabbath? Maybe she feels self-conscious about other > people *knowing* that you are working, because they can hear it? That could be part of it. It also includes not hanging clothes out on the line which people would see. Not sure what exactly it is, I can't get a dierct answer lol >> How does she feel about lawn mowing? Do you have neighbors or family >> that live within earshot? I ask, because one of the things that sawing [quoted text clipped - 8 lines] > line which people would see. Not sure what exactly it is, I can't get a > dierct answer lol I'd say it's because she finds it embarrassing. Think of it as being kind of like housekeeping - if you (meaning the global you, not you personally - or maybe your wife) think that you *should* be a fairly good housekeeper (whether or not you actually *do* that much housework) then you might be able to tolerate the mess when it is just family at home, but get embarrassed when the neighbors drop by and see it. Well, it sounds like your wife feels like she *should* be keeping Sunday as a "no work" day, even if she doesn't do it thoroughly she thinks she *should* - so she can tolerate you working when nobody else can tell (kind of like the messy house) but feels embarrassed when the noise or laundry on the line make it obvious... Dr. Lee, PH.D said > X-No-Archive: Yes > [quoted text clipped - 35 lines] > faith? Whats my role here. I understand that compromises are made in > marriage etc, but to what point? The word compromise generally means that both parties give in to some extent. Besides that, it seems unrealistic for her to expect you to suddenly change your view of Sunday just because you are married. I don't see the issue going away anytime soon. You can either stumble through Sundays feeling lousy while aggravating her, or the two of you can reach some well-understood compromise that you will both cheerfully adhere to in the future. Personally, I would have a very hard time giving up 1/2 of every weekend ... unless it was set aside as a day for wild sex. Casey > Hello all > [quoted text clipped - 33 lines] > faith? Whats my role here. I understand that compromises are made in > marriage etc, but to what point? Well, I have an opinion about this, but I don't know how much good it will do you. After all, it doesn't help your marriage much to do what _I_ think you ought to do! I think you should respecting her beliefs by not asking her to do things which conflict with those beliefs. And she should respect your beliefs by not asking you to do things with conflict with those beliefs. Since you and she have different beliefs (which is neither uncommon, nor necessarily bad) you are going to have to learn to live with that, and not expect to behave the same about everything. In terms of negotiating, I think that at least 95% of the time when we are unhappy with our spouse, it is because of something we _aren't_ getting from our spouse, not because our spouse is doing something we don't like. But we often have trouble putting it that way to ourselves (and our spouses). Your marriage would benefit if your wife could figure out what she _does_ want that your hammering and sawing is interfering with, rather than asking you to stop hammering and sawing. > So my question is...in marriage, should I be respecting her beliefs? by > giving up certain things on a Sunday? should I be expected to join her > faith? Whats my role here. I understand that compromises are made in > marriage etc, but to what point? I am going to a different tack than everyone else so far. Why not just give up hammering and sawing on Sundays? Do all the other stuff that is no problem? Otherwise you are irritating your wife every single week. Now, before doing this I would make sure that it won't expand to other things if you agree to this thing? > I am going to a different tack than everyone else so far. Why not > just give up hammering and sawing on Sundays? Do all the other > stuff that is no problem? I suggested the same thing when I advised that him to find other stuff to do as well, like run errands (Home Depot). But I also like Casey's idea of wild-sex. Hopefully, she won't classify that as "work" and then after a few Sundays, perhaps she'll suggest that he go back to working. Rog' said > > I am going to a different tack than everyone else so far. Why not > > just give up hammering and sawing on Sundays? Do all the other [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > idea of wild-sex. Hopefully, she won't classify that as "work" and then > after a few Sundays, perhaps she'll suggest that he go back to working. That's it ... a win/win solution. Casey > > I am going to a different tack than everyone else so far. Why not > > just give up hammering and sawing on Sundays? Do all the other > > stuff that is no problem? > > I suggested the same thing when I advised that him to find other stuff > to do as well, like run errands (Home Depot). Oh, sorry. Didn't want to hog the contrarian label all to myself. :-) > But I also like Casey's > idea of wild-sex. Hopefully, she won't classify that as "work" and then > after a few Sundays, perhaps she'll suggest that he go back to working. And if not, they'll both be happy. >> I am going to a different tack than everyone else so far. Why not >> just give up hammering and sawing on Sundays? Do all the other [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > idea of wild-sex. Hopefully, she won't classify that as "work" and then > after a few Sundays, perhaps she'll suggest that he go back to working. I said I would give up hammering/sawing as I don't do awhole lot of it in the round of a year. But still, it doesn't feel right like I am being assimilated into religious beliefs I don't necessarily agree with. But for the sake of getting along, I may have to just accept it. > >> I am going to a different tack than everyone else so far. Why not > >> just give up hammering and sawing on Sundays? Do all the other [quoted text clipped - 9 lines] > assimilated into religious beliefs I don't necessarily agree with. But for > the sake of getting along, I may have to just accept it. Don't think of it as being assimilated into religious beliefs. You still believe whatever it is that you believe. Think of it as doing something for your wife because it is important to her and you love her. > I said I would give up hammering/sawing as I don't do awhole lot of it in > the round of a year. But still, it doesn't feel right like I am being > assimilated into religious beliefs I don't necessarily agree with. But for > the sake of getting along, I may have to just accept it. This isn't an attitude that is going to bode well for your marriage. I recommend you find something to do on Sundays that you both can feel good about. > So my question is...in marriage, should I be respecting her beliefs? by > giving up certain things on a Sunday? should I be expected to join her > faith? Whats my role here. I understand that compromises are made in > marriage etc, but to what point? I don't think there's any one answer. On the one hand, you don't want to give away everything that is near and dear to you. On the other hand, you want to be respectful of her beliefs and just generally loving and considerate. On yet the other hand, it's also important that this be a two-way street, and that she be respectful of YOUR beliefs (including respecting your right to hold a different opinion on working on Sunday). For example, my BIL is married to an observant Muslim, and they've negotiated a compromise that works for them: they both observe Muslim dietary laws and fast during Ramadaan, and he supports her observance of the other pillars of her faith (charitable donations, e.g., and making sure she is able to observe her prayers), but he doesn't pray, and he hasn't converted, because that encroaches beyond "things we do together as a couple" and into "things I believe inside my head." I suspect there is a much larger literature on interfaith marriages than there is on marriages between a person of faith and "oh we of little faith." You might find some of that useful in negotiating this terrain, even if it is a little off-center from your particular dilemma. How's everything else in your marriage besides this matter? It's not surprising that it's coming to a head in the months following the wedding, regardless of what you'd worked out beforehand. I think three really is the potential for a sea-change in the underpinnings of a relationship (though not everyone experiences it in that way). > How's everything else in your marriage besides this matter? Everything else is going much better, but obviously there's a few obstacles we're overcoming, but what couple wouldn't be "Dr. Lee, PH.D <egg@nohotmail.com>" wrote about friction over the different notions of religious observance. Unless she's really observant (and it sounds like she's not), this probably is less about religious obligations and more about "How we've always done it". You should approach this with good humor, because it's not the first one of these you're going to get. Develop a pattern of pleasant, sensible negotiation early on, and you'll reap the benefits for decades to come. You still haven't spent Christmas and Thanksgiving as a married couple yet. Will you travel to be with parents? Which set? A real tree or a fake tree? Giblets in the stuffing, or not? (I wrote a long post about that some years ago: <http://groups.google.com/group/alt.support.marriage/msg/fa1f487af5b08aa2> which you may like to see.) One solution might be to see if you can work out other things to do at different times and adjust your schedule so it fits with hers. Suppose, for example, you get a Sunday paper, and it's the kind that's so big part of it comes on Saturday. Maybe your standard pattern is to read through the Saturday part when it comes, and the crossword puzzle, and so on. Maybe you can rearrange it so you do the heavy lifting work on Saturday, and do the crossword puzzle on Sunday afternoon. You're not giving anything up, you're just re-arranging your schedule to accomodate your wife. Since it's woodwork she seems bothered by, maybe her dividing line is "sweaty work". So you should wash the car on Sunday, and build the garage on Saturday. Now, to be clear, I wouldn't suggest such a change if it was going to cost you anything really important. Getting married isn't supposed to make you less of the person you are; you shouldn't have to give up your hobbies, or change your beliefs, or anything. But at the same time, being married is about a big change in your life: you're not the only one in it anymore. Changing your schedule around is to be expected when you get married. If you do adjust your schedule, you might see if you can do something on Sunday *with* your wife. Sticking with my earlier example, sit close on the sofa and do the crossword puzzle together. For the first few months after we got married, we still had piles of unopened cardboard boxes all over the place. Maybe you should sit on the floor together, and open a box, and talk about all the stuff in it. Tell her about the various items, throw out the ones that are no use anymore, find a place to put the ones you still want on shelves or wherever. Then do a box of her stuff. You can learn lots of things about each other this way, sharing memories of times before you were married. * As to your direct questions: > So my question is...in marriage, should I be respecting her beliefs? > by giving up certain things on a Sunday? should I be expected to join > her faith? Whats my role here. I understand that compromises are > made in marriage etc, but to what point? If your wife needs you to do something on Sunday that you aren't doing, find out what it is and do that. If it just feels wrong to her that you're doing heavy work on Sunday, see if there's a painless way to schedule around that. You should not be expected to join any religion unless you are convinced of its truth. Your role is "husband", and the point at which a compromise goes too far is when you aren't being true to yourself. Understand that "being true to yourself" is a high bar. It's not like you belong to the "Woodwork on Sunday" religion. Refraining from something that bothers your wife isn't the same as joining her religion. People who marry alcoholics sometimes give up beer/wine/etc forever because of their spouse's difficulties, and this situation seems to me calling for a much smaller sacrifice (if sacrifice is even necessary). You might like to read _Getting to YES: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In_, by Roger Fisher and William Ury. Darren Provine ! kilroy@elvis.rowan.edu ! http://www.rowan.edu/~kilroy "If I finish all my chores and you finish thine, then tonight we're gonna party like it's 1699." -- Weird Al Yankovic, "Amish Paradise" > If you do adjust your schedule, you might see if you can do something > on Sunday *with* your wife. Sticking with my earlier example, sit > close on the sofa and do the crossword puzzle together. They could go for long walks, holding hands, like in some Hallmark card. Yuck. >>If you do adjust your schedule, you might see if you can do something >>on Sunday *with* your wife. Sticking with my earlier example, sit >>close on the sofa and do the crossword puzzle together. > > They could go for long walks, holding hands, like in some Hallmark card. > Yuck. Or loll around at her feet with an attentive-yet-bored look on her face, until she blurts out, "for god's sake, go work on the garage already!" > As to your direct questions: > [quoted text clipped - 10 lines] > point at which a compromise goes too far is when you aren't being true > to yourself. You worded that perfectly and made some good points. > Understand that "being true to yourself" is a high bar. It's not like > you belong to the "Woodwork on Sunday" religion. Refraining from > something that bothers your wife isn't the same as joining her religion. > People who marry alcoholics sometimes give up beer/wine/etc forever > because of their spouse's difficulties, and this situation seems to me > calling for a much smaller sacrifice (if sacrifice is even necessary). yes, thats a good point too. Thanks for the reply. (and to everyone else too. helps to get some outside input) <snipped> > Unless she's really observant (and it sounds like she's not), this > probably is less about religious obligations and more about "How we've > always done it". You should approach this with good humor, because > it's not the first one of these you're going to get. Develop a pattern > of pleasant, sensible negotiation early on, and you'll reap the benefits > for decades to come. This is soooo necessary! > You still haven't spent Christmas and Thanksgiving > as a married couple yet. Will you travel to be with parents? Which > set? A real tree or a fake tree? Giblets in the stuffing, or not? Giblets in the dressing??? Whatever for? They belong in the gravy!! :-^ You forgot - real, homemade cranberry sauce or the canned stuff? Kitten > <snipped> >> Unless she's really observant (and it sounds like she's not), this [quoted text clipped - 16 lines] > > Kitten the giblets belong in the stock > > <snipped> > >> Unless she's really observant (and it sounds like she's not), this [quoted text clipped - 18 lines] > > the giblets belong in the stock In the stock used to make the giblet gravy? And the stock is made with the giblets and the neck, right? And then when you make the gravy, you add a couple of hardboiled eggs. Mmmmm.... pour that over your slices of turkey and your dressing, which is NOT stuffed into the bird. It's made in a seperate pan. With cornbread. And sage. ;-) Kitten >> > <snipped> >> >> Unless she's really observant (and it sounds like she's not), this [quoted text clipped - 22 lines] > > In the stock used to make the giblet gravy? No in the stock you make out of the bones for turkey soup after you have eaten dinner. > And the stock is made with > the giblets and the neck, right? And then when you make the gravy, you > add a couple of hardboiled eggs. Mmmmm.... pour that over your slices > of turkey and your dressing, which is NOT stuffed into the bird. It's > made in a seperate pan. With cornbread. And sage. No. Stuffing defintely in the bird. Extra in a separate casserole. Hey I have the best idea ever. I come over to your house this year to experience your wonderful version. You come over here next year to experience mine! > ;-) > > Kitten > >> > <snipped> > >> >> Unless she's really observant (and it sounds like she's not), this [quoted text clipped - 37 lines] > experience your wonderful version. You come over here next year to > experience mine! Sounds good to me. We've decided that we're staying home this year. Three years ago, we drove to Arkansas. Two years ago, we drove to Wisconsin. Last year, we drove to Arizona. We're tired of driving. We need a break. Kitten you are right no deal in marriage but its also written that give unto ceaser what its own why not what rightly belong to GOD maybe you talk like this because of the idea of a free word man is given the choice to do right or wrong judgtment is not hear but else praise HIM and u will enjoy lifting your self > you are right no deal in marriage > but its also written that give unto ceaser what its own [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > > praise HIM and u will enjoy lifting your self What?? |
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