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Family Forum / Marriage / Marriage / October 2006How to stop wanting/flirting with other women
I love my wife and my wonderful children very much. But I have a problem and don't know how to make it stop. I look at other women, flirt with them when I can and would sleep with another woman if I could have the chance. I know this is wrong and hate this part of me, how do I make these thoughts stop? I pray daily and constantly for this burden to be lifted from me but it won't and only seems to get stronger. I want to go to counseling but I don't have insurance at the moment, and when I do finally get it how would I stop the estimations of benefits papers from coming to the house so I could go without her having to know about it? I really feel like I suffer from satyrisis or some form of it, and I just want this nightmare to end. I've even asked my doctor how to shutdown my libido, but apparently the only way is with antidepressants. Are there any other alternatives or things I can do? I am not making any excuses for myself, and would appreciate any advice. Are you sure that you would cheat on your wife? I always wondered about this. I don't flirt overly, but I thought that if sex with a beautiful woman was handed to me, I would take it. I have never cheated on my wife, but I love sex. The main issue my wife and I fight about is me wanted sex more often than she does. But ... a couple of years ago, a beautiful woman told me I could have her. I turned her down. Ever since that circumstance, I have felt better about myself. I now know that I can remain faithful. > I love my wife and my wonderful children very much. > But I have a problem and don't know how to make it stop. I look at [quoted text clipped - 15 lines] > things I can do? I am not making any excuses for myself, and would > appreciate any advice. > Are you sure that you would cheat on your wife? I hope I wouldn't and that I never get the chance. I don't want it or even to flirt but don't know how to stop myself. > I always wondered about this. I don't flirt overly, but I thought that > if sex with a beautiful woman was handed to me, I would take it. I have > never cheated on my wife, but I love sex. The main issue my wife and I > fight about is me wanted sex more often than she does. Sex has always been an issue, but I've gradually realized I'm not going to get it as often as I'd like. There were periods where I went 12 months, 9 months and several six month periods with no sex at all. But now we try to do it at least once a month. I'm trying to get her to agree to once a week, but she isn't very interested. Also, I've been married 5 years and we are both around 28. >> I always wondered about this. I don't flirt overly, but I thought that >> if sex with a beautiful woman was handed to me, I would take it. I have >> never cheated on my wife, but I love sex. The main issue my wife and I >> fight about is me wanted sex more often than she does. > Sex has always been an issue, but I've gradually realized I'm not going > to get it as often as I'd like. There were periods where I went 12 > months, 9 months and several six month periods with no sex at all. But > now we try to do it at least once a month. I'm trying to get her to > agree to once a week, but she isn't very interested. Also, I've been > married 5 years and we are both around 28. You are both in your late twenties/healthy? and she is only interested in sex every 30 days at the minimum and as long as 12 months? There must be other problems in the relationship. I think your tendencies are normal for an under-sex guy your age. I'd leave her, but don't cheat. >>> I always wondered about this. I don't flirt overly, but I thought that >>> if sex with a beautiful woman was handed to me, I would take it. I have [quoted text clipped - 12 lines] > must be other problems in the relationship. I think your tendencies are > normal for an under-sex guy your age. I'd leave her, but don't cheat. I agree. I have been married for 20 years. Once a week is my goal. But I would like it 2 or 3 times a week. If I was only getting it once a month, I might be thinking about cheating as well. > You are both in your late twenties/healthy? and she is only interested in > sex every 30 days at the minimum and as long as 12 months? There must be > other problems in the relationship. I think your tendencies are normal for > an under-sex guy your age. I'd leave her, but don't cheat. Before marriage, we had sex every day of the week, sometimes 2-3 times a day. We got married and on our honeymoon night she didn't want it. After that it dropped to once a week, then once every two weeks. After two years she wanted a baby. We tried for months and I got to enjoy it again. Once she was pregnant, all sex stopped for a year. Nothing I did, no matter how beautiful I told her she looked, or how hard I tried romantically would she go near me. Then we tried for #2 and she got pregnant immediately with our second after one try. She let me have her for a couple of months every once in a while, then stopped for 9 months. Then she lost all interest in me. I heard hundreds of excuses why we couldn't have sex, no matter how hard I tried to be the best husband possible. Finally she said if I didn't ask for it or talk about it so much, maybe she'd initiate. 6 months later I broke down and she took pity on me and we had it once. She did it to me one more time like that, I couldn't stand it. The whole time I've been telling her how I felt, what she was doing to me. It was terrible. I wanted to leave her so badly but I still wanted our children. I should have just left her, I know. I should have left her in the first two years and regret that sometimes, but I will never regret my little miracles. Her main reason she gives me that keeps coming back is that she just isn't interested in sex anymore. What I think is that she married me so she wouldn't have to work anymore, and once she had her free ride she didn't have to try anymore for me, so I have to compromise on everything, and I really don't think it is fair. I could go into all of the other reasons, but this seems to be the main one. She also barely shows me any affection and kisses me almost like a relative instead of a husband. She still won't initiate anything. After very long talks, and me threatening to leave her, we managed to get it to once a month and I'm trying very hard to get us to once a week. It has been a nightmare. To cope, I took to flirting just to feel a little wanted again. Maybe it makes me a horrible person, I don't know. But I've never felt so taken advantage of or unloved then by my wife. >> You are both in your late twenties/healthy? and she is only interested in >> sex every 30 days at the minimum and as long as 12 months? There must be >> other problems in the relationship. I think your tendencies are normal >> for >> an under-sex guy your age. I'd leave her, but don't cheat. > Before marriage, we had sex every day of the week, sometimes 2-3 times > a day. > Once she was pregnant, all sex stopped for a year. Nothing I > did, no matter how beautiful I told her she looked, or how hard I tried > romantically would she go near me. > 6 months later I broke down > and she took pity on me and we had it once. She did it to me one more > time like that, I couldn't stand it. > The whole time I've been telling her how I felt, what she was doing to > me. It was terrible. I wanted to leave her so badly but I still > wanted our children. I should have just left her, I know. I should > have left her in the first two years and regret that sometimes, but I > will never regret my little miracles. > What I think is that she married me so she wouldn't have to > work anymore, and once she had her free ride she didn't have to try > anymore for me, so I have to compromise on everything, and I really > don't think it is fair. > She also barely shows me any affection and kisses me almost like a > relative instead of a husband. She still won't initiate anything. > After very long talks, and me threatening to leave her, we managed to > get it to once a month and I'm trying very hard to get us to once a > week. > It has been a nightmare. To cope, I took to flirting just to feel a > little wanted again. Maybe it makes me a horrible person, I don't > know. But I've never felt so taken advantage of or unloved then by my > wife. I just want you to know that I feel for you. It sounds like this women is using you and has been throughout your relationship. Things become quite a bit more complicated when children are involved. Even if you did leave her, the way the laws are (with a few exceptions) you'll probably be supporting her for years to come. My advise to you is to get some counseling for yourself and try to find some better coping strategies. I would try to get her into marriage counseling. If she refused, I'd be contacting an divorce lawyer. At the very least you need to know your rights. >>You are both in your late twenties/healthy? and she is only interested in >>sex every 30 days at the minimum and as long as 12 months? There must be [quoted text clipped - 39 lines] > know. But I've never felt so taken advantage of or unloved then by my > wife. I feel for you Bob. My relationship with my wife is very similiar to yours. We used to truly love each other and love being together. Now it feels like I love her but she no longer loves me. How can you make someone want you? I feel like there is nothing I can do. I have done all I can (as you have), and for the most part I feel like all she wants from me is the pay cheque. When we do have sex, it feels like either she is just horny or because she feels guilty about turning me away. It got to a point a couple of years back where I told her I was going to leave. She couldn't believe that I would leave her and break up the family over this issue. I still don't know if I really could. But she got the message and it has been better. The bottom line is that you can't make her want you. My wife now 'gives in' more often, but it just doesn't feel like it used to. Not the marriage I was hoping for. > I feel for you Bob. My relationship with my wife is very similiar to > yours. We used to truly love each other and love being together. Now > it feels like I love her but she no longer loves me. This is definitely where I feel like I am with my wife. She says she loves me, but without her showing me even the slightest bit of affection, it doesn't seem very likely. Back when we were dating she always wanted to hold me or touch me. I wish I knew why she completely changed the day she married me, and why I've stayed with her for so long. > How can you make someone want you? I feel like there is nothing I can > do. I have done all I can (as you have), and for the most part I feel > like all she wants from me is the pay cheque. When we do have sex, it > feels like either she is just horny or because she feels guilty about > turning me away. Sounds pretty much the same here. > It got to a point a couple of years back where I told her I was going to > leave. She couldn't believe that I would leave her and break up the > family over this issue. I still don't know if I really could. But she > got the message and it has been better. After the last 6 month drought I told her I couldn't stand being like that anymore and I really felt like our marriage was ending. We talked for a long time and eventually she started to let me have it once a month, but it only happens on the day she feels she is the most fertile. Luckily I had my vasectomy. She posted on one of message boards recently that we had it once a month or so and that I had 'adjusted' and 'was fine' with not having sex any more than that. We had a very long discussion about that and I made it very clear that I was not fine with how things were. She has promised to try to have sex with me once a week. We'll see how long this lasts. We've had it once this month so far. > The bottom line is that you can't make her want you. My wife now 'gives > in' more often, but it just doesn't feel like it used to. Not the > marriage I was hoping for. I completely understand and feel for you too. The worst part for me was she read me all of the posts where the other wives were saying "We only have it 3-4 times a week, and I give him oral too to keep him happy", or "We have it 1-2 times a week, but I want it so much more", etc... Nobody got less or as little as me, and this was over 30 women, including pregnant ones. Many of them had been married for 10 years or a pretty long time. I told her never to read me things like that again, and if she does, I want one of those wives and they can have her. Of course, nobody in that group would trade for a sexless marriage. At least I know I'm not alone, thank you. <snip> > Before marriage, we had sex every day of the week, sometimes 2-3 times > a day. We got married and on our honeymoon night she didn't want it. [quoted text clipped - 11 lines] > and she took pity on me and we had it once. She did it to me one more > time like that, I couldn't stand it. This is so troubling. So many men (and a few women) complain about this very thing. The sexual switch and bait thing should be illegal. Well, not really. But it makes me think that Marriage should come with a Contract. Not a Pre-Nuptual which is primarily focused on monetary assets but the emotional, physical and spiritual aspects of marriage. Something like: Our sex/affection/romance BEFORE marriage is X IF our sex/affection/romance AFTER marriage changes from X without BOTH parties consent and amendment of CONTRACT THEN the party that feels the contract has been breached may file for DIVORCE without FINANCIAL ruin. IF the couple has children JOINT physical and financial custody of the children will be implemented. I know this is unreasonable, but it is needed..  Signaturethepixelfreak > <snip> > [quoted text clipped - 34 lines] > > I know this is unreasonable, but it is needed.. You can't make someone want something by making it illegal. To me it isn't the amount of sex. It is the fact that I want her to want to have sex with me. Without the threat of divorce. > You can't make someone want something by making it illegal. To me it > isn't the amount of sex. It is the fact that I want her to want to have > sex with me. Without the threat of divorce. That has been the hardest for me, watching her want me less and less through these five years, no matter how hard I tried, and her refusing to compromise even the tiniest bit for me, even though I bent over backwards for her to the point of practically losing who I once was to please her. If I could just feel wanted, once, and not just for how much my paycheck is this week, I would be so happy. If I woke up to her riding me in the middle of the night like she used to, or just throwing me down and making love to me (out of sight of the kids, obviously), I would be in heaven. Heck, at this point a kiss, or a hug, or a touch that I didn't have to initiate would be a miracle. But I do sometimes wish there could be some kind of penalty for her for taking me from 40-50 times a month to once every 1-2 months. How could a ring going on a finger change someone that much? And it isn't like I could withhold sex from her. She doesn't really want to do it anyway, and has told me if we did it 0 times a year, she would be happy. She wouldn't even want it once a year. Even if I give her incredible times every time and she loves it, she doesn't want it. And that was even before we had kids she was saying that, so it isn't like having them did this to her. I used to think she was cheating on me, hoping there was some good reason for this behavior. But the sad part is she isn't. > I do sometimes wish there could be some kind of penalty for her for > taking me from 40-50 times a month to once every 1-2 months...She > doesn't really want to do it anyway, and has told me if we did it 0 times > a year, she would be happy. She wouldn't even want it once a year. There /is/ a penalty. Its called "divorce." Unfortunately, you have to join her in the penalty-box. But when it's all over, you get move on and start over. What is your alernative? A lifetime of misery and whining. =R= > There /is/ a penalty. Its called "divorce." Unfortunately, you have to join > her in the penalty-box. But when it's all over, you get move on and start > over. What is your alernative? A lifetime of misery and whining. =R= True, very true. Bob said > I used to think she was cheating on me, hoping there was some good > reason for this behavior. But the sad part is she isn't. Um ... okay. Casey > Bob said > [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > > Casey 5 years of being rejected no matter what I did led me to consider any idea. If she had been having an affair, I'd have at least been able to understand why she didn't want to make love to me. I guess that didn't sound very good the way I worded it originally. > > Bob said > > [quoted text clipped - 9 lines] > > I guess that didn't sound very good the way I worded it originally. I don't recall if you've written much about your end of your interactions with your wife. I don't know if your behavior is anything at all like my first husband's behavior or not, but I'll take a minute to tell you a big part of the destruction of our marriage. We were in a situation similar to what you've described. We weren't making love with each other. Occasionally, we'd have sex, but it wasn't making love. The frequency was close to what you describe. He occasionally told me he felt I was rejecting him. He even said a few times that he thought I was frigid. I even bought into that idea. Turns out he was wrong. About a lot of things. Looking back, it's easy to see how difficult it was for me to feel like making love with him when we went to bed, when he'd spent most of the evening denigrating me - telling me how my housekeeping abilities didn't meet his standards, how my cooking wasn't like his mother's, etc. On top of that, he expected to be able to lay on the couch watching TV and to have me bring his dinner to him there, rather than him join our son and me at the table. At that point, I was having very *serious* (yes, Cal, in this instance is was truly serious) fantasies about throwing my good cast iron skillet, full of our dinner, at him and cracking his head with it. Was it any wonder I didn't feel like being romantic with him when we went to bed? How was I supposed to feel romantic toward someone for whom I could do absolutely nothing right? And so, of course, he felt I was rejecting him. Catch-22? Maybe. I still haven't figure out what I could have done differently in that relationship. But things are definitely different for me now. I make it a habit to let Chewy, my husband, know how much I appreciate him. And he tells me how much he appreciates me. Chewy loves my cooking. (That's a HUGE deal for me and was a major part of the problems with my first marriage.) Chewy loves the time I put into raising our children. (My first husband thought I should have been focusing on him more and on our son less.) Chewy doesn't mind if I get too busy to keep a meticulous house. (Any time I didn't have the house perfectly spotless, my ex used to tell me child protective services were going to take our son.) Chewy doesn't mind if I bring newborn animals into the house when their mommas can't take care of them. (My ex was the one who wanted goats, then we nearly lost a sweet young momma because he wouldn't help me pull her kid when it got stuck in the birthing canal.) Chewy doesn't mind if I sleep on the couch with newborns on cold winter nights. (My ex would throw a fit over me not sleeping with him at night, no matter the reason.) Chewy gives me the freedom to be myself and to learn how to enjoy all that entails. (My ex wanted me to fit the image *he* had of what I should be like.) I don't know where you fit in all this. I think that perhaps it wouldn't hurt to ponder a bit about it, though. If your wife says she loves you, but y'all aren't making love on a regular basis, there's something wrong emotionally, IME. What goes on inside the bedroom has a direct correlation to what goes on *OUTSIDE* the bedroom. Oh, and what my ex told me about being frigid? Chewy thinks he's nuts. ;-) Kitten Bob said > > Bob said > > [quoted text clipped - 9 lines] > > I guess that didn't sound very good the way I worded it originally. You could have probably worded it better, but understand where you are coming from. Casey > <snip> >> Before marriage, we had sex every day of the week, sometimes 2-3 times [quoted text clipped - 33 lines] > > I know this is unreasonable, but it is needed.. Who would want a marriage like that? Who would want to give/receive contractual romance and affection? >> <snip> >>> Before marriage, we had sex every day of the week, sometimes 2-3 times [quoted text clipped - 36 lines] > Who would want a marriage like that? Who would want to give/receive > contractual romance and affection? How about the thousands that sign Pre-nups? Signaturethepixelfreak >>> <snip> >>>> Before marriage, we had sex every day of the week, sometimes 2-3 times [quoted text clipped - 38 lines] > > How about the thousands that sign Pre-nups? You're comparing apples and oranges. > <snip> > > Before marriage, we had sex every day of the week, sometimes 2-3 times [quoted text clipped - 19 lines] > monetary assets but the emotional, physical and spiritual aspects of > marriage. It does come with a contract, but that isn't even the good news. The good news is that in most parts of most advanced countries, the marriage contract can be legally broken at the will of either party. In other words, if you don't like the deal you signed up for, get divorced! > <snip> >> Before marriage, we had sex every day of the week, sometimes 2-3 [quoted text clipped - 29 lines] > THEN the party that feels the contract has been breached may file for > DIVORCE without FINANCIAL ruin. You can't approach human relationships like this - it's untenable. People like Bob with spouses who treat sex like an optional extra rather than an outward expression of their emotions and natural libido have to either suck it up or move on, no contract will force warmer feelings in one spouse where none exist. And once a relationship has broken down irretrievably then why would they be wanting to have sex anyway? Would you want to have sex with a women who was only available because she was under financial duress? > IF the couple has children JOINT physical and financial custody of the > children will be implemented. That's a separate issue an d should be the default situation. Tai > You can't approach human relationships like this - it's untenable. People > like Bob with spouses who treat sex like an optional extra rather than an > outward expression of their emotions and natural libido have to either suck > it up or move on, no contract will force warmer feelings in one spouse where > none exist. And once a relationship has broken down irretrievably then why > would they be wanting to have sex anyway? I agree with this, she certainly tries treating it like something extra in the marriage that I shouldn't even be asking for anymore or hoping for. I have tried sucking it up for the five years of our marriage while she pulled all of these stunts. It clearly isn't working. I even asked last night again, are you happy in our marriage, what can I do to make you happy, and what would help her to want me again, what could I do differently? I give her every opportunity to tell me if anything is bothering her. Her answer was that she was very happy, but she'd like it if I take a day off of work, take her on a day long shopping trip and do whatever she wants for the day, minus the kids. That would make her happy for the day. As if she doesn't get to do enough shopping when she wants to, I'm not going to spoil her even worse when she won't do anything for me. And she doesn't think there is much I could do differently, she just isn't interested except for every once in a while. It just drives home more and more each day that I'm stuck to a very materialistic gold-digger who used sex just to trap me. > Would you want to have sex with a women who was only available because she > was under financial duress? One of the reasons I haven't divorced her in addition to the kids is I don't think it is fair that I will be punished financially during and after the divorce, while she would gain by it, even though she had nothing coming into our marriage, has not worked with me to salvage our marriage, and has cost me a fortune and keeps me in debt. Why should she get alimony or anything at all? I can understand child support, but why do you have to pay her when you aren't married anymore? She would just go back and live with her parents until another sucker fell into her web. The best situation would be if I could somehow get the kids and not have to pay her or give her a dime. But I know what happens in divorces, I've had plenty of people I've worked with go through them. Thanks to everyone for their advice, I have really appreciated it. I'm going to try counseling when I get my insurance and see if I can get her to come along. And if that doesn't work, I'll have to try talking to a divorce lawyer to see what would happen to me if I were to get divorced. I don't think I could really cheat on her while we are married. With my luck I'd probably find another sexual predator just like her. Although if I ever do get married again, there will be a pre-nuptial agreement. But it is no wonder that so many people nowadays are just living together and not getting married. <snipped> > Her answer was that she was very happy, but she'd like it if I take a > day off of work, take her on a day long shopping trip and do whatever [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > drives home more and more each day that I'm stuck to a very > materialistic gold-digger who used sex just to trap me. OK, here's a difference of perspective on this one, Bob. You see her response as that of a "materialistic gold-digger." But what I see in what you wrote is a woman wanting time ALONE with you. She wants all your attention, all to herself, without either of you needing to pay attention to the children. She wants to be important enough to you that you'll take a day off work to spend time with her. But all you're seeing is that she's asking you to take her shopping when she can do that any time without you. You totally missed the part where she wants it to be just the two of you, no kids in tow, all your attention focused on her. How 'bout, if you don't want it to be shopping, you come up with an activity you *both* might enjoy, then schedule a full day of that with no distractions. Chewy and I have found that it's very important for us to take some time to go somewhere AWAY from the farm, AWAY from the kids, just the two of us, to spend at least a couple of hours paying attention to each other, with no distractions. Sounds to me, from what you wrote, as if that may be exactly what your wife is asking for. But your communication styles are different, the two of you are having a major breakdown in communication, and so you're not understanding what she's asking for. Just a hunch. Kitten > OK, here's a difference of perspective on this one, Bob. You see her > response as that of a "materialistic gold-digger." But what I see in [quoted text clipped - 22 lines] > > Kitten You were close, and I just found this out a little while ago while talking to her on the phone. Back when we were dating I would just decide we were going off for a little day trip somewhere and we would just do it. I don't know when that stopped, probably after we started having the kids, but she has missed surprises in our marriage. This doesn't count bringing flowers home when she doesn't expect it, taking her out to dinner alone, or other small gestures like those. She misses having the whole day with me, and not knowing it is coming. So maybe that will help, but now I have to come up with something she won't be expecting and that we can afford (kids are so expensive!). Thank you! She is gold-digger though, and has admitted it to me, but that isn't what this one was about. <snipped> > You were close, and I just found this out a little while ago while > talking to her on the phone. Back when we were dating I would just [quoted text clipped - 9 lines] > > Thank you! You're welcome. Having things like that is *very* important to keeping your relationship close. > She is gold-digger though, and has admitted it to me, but > that isn't what this one was about. LOL... I tend to avoid that term if at all possible. But maybe, just maybe, you both could be gold-diggers together - digging for the gold of a wonderful relationship together. :-) I avoid the term because my stepson, after one of his rare visits to his bio-mom's, tried calling me that for a bit. Apparently his bio-mom had put it in his head that I was using the child support money that she'd only recently started sending (after 6+ years of sending nothing) on me rather than on the kids. My answer, of course, was, "And where am I spending that money on me?" It was really funny because my husband and kids are constantly trying to *make* me spend money on myself. And I finally did spend some on myself last week, without feeling guilty. I found the kind of mud boots I've been looking for for the last 8 years, and I bought them. Cost me $25.00. ;-) Seriously, though. Watch using terms like "gold-digger." Words have more power than we usually want to admit. Feeding terms like "gold-digger" and others with negative connotations into our brains, as well as into the brains of others, can destroy relationships. To build your relationship, you need to focus on all the positive aspects. Otherwise, you'll lose sight of them and risk losing your marriage. Kitten >> You can't approach human relationships like this - it's untenable. People >> like Bob with spouses who treat sex like an optional extra rather than an [quoted text clipped - 15 lines] > would just go back and live with her parents until another sucker fell > into her web. Exactly. This is why I posted my patently ridiculous 'CONTRACT'. Of course nobody would want to get married with such a contract. Nobody would want to have sex with a woman who is only doing it to avoid financial repercussions. Our OP however did indeed enter into a contract per-se. It's called marriage. He has done the things (apparently) that his wife should appreciate. Being Loving, providing for the family. Helping with the chores etc. etc.. She herself states that she is 'very happy'. Just no more Horizontal Lambada. Couldn't care if she never had it again. This in STARK contrast to before they got married. Sex like banshees. Often every day. One thing people should realize (and I'm sure they do) is that behavior before the marriage is what brought on the desire to get married in the first place. He's thinking, 'well, she's pretty, intelligent, caring and has a good sense of humor and has a healthy appetite for sex/lovemaking!, I'm tired of playing the field, I love her, LETS GET MARRIED!!' BANG, The sexual drought started right away with the HONEYMOON!! Now our poor OP has signed into a contract (Marriage) with this woman and one of many important traits disappears. Don't tell me he could have foreseen this. I doubt anyone could. Hence breach of 'Contract'. The Bill of Goods stated (inferred) x,y,z and now that the delivery arrives Z is missing. If he want's to dissolve this contract, he faces possible financial ruin, years of pain and agony, possible irreparable psychological damage to his children. She refuses to consider therapy joint or otherwise. So now our OP must forego divorce, his only legal alternative, because of the financial duress that it would impose. Not unlike the fictional CONTRACT wife putting out so she doesn't get dumped and left to flap in the breeze. Bob, talk to a Lawyer, see a marriage/sex/or whatever therapist on your own. Don't the ultra religious talk about 'Wifely Duties'?? I'm an atheist. for a giggle see http://www.bittybitznpieces.com/wifely_duties.htm Signaturethepixelfreak End this before there's a child involved. And don't let her talk you into staying. You've had a taste of the future. Is this what you want? > > Sex has always been an issue, but I've gradually realized I'm not going > > to get it as often as I'd like. There were periods where I went 12 [quoted text clipped - 7 lines] > other problems in the relationship. I think your tendencies are normal for > an under-sex guy your age. I'd leave her, but don't cheat. > End this before there's a child involved. And don't let her talk you > into staying. You've had a taste of the future. Is this what you want? Unfortunately there are two. I should have before there were but she did it somewhat gradually to me so I didn't see it coming. The year without didn't happen until she was already pregnant. And this sure isn't what I want, I never thought she'd become like this and I guess I kept hoping she'd come back around. One of the clues I should have had is her parents sleep in separate bedrooms. They've been together 35 years but that shouldn't be how you make it so long, by living apart as much as possible in the same house. > > Are you sure that you would cheat on your wife? > I hope I wouldn't and that I never get the chance. I don't want it or [quoted text clipped - 10 lines] > agree to once a week, but she isn't very interested. Also, I've been > married 5 years and we are both around 28. And in that 5 years there have been gaps of 12 months, 9 months, and several 6 month periods? So you've had sex about 5-10 times in your marriage? Just trying to get the facts here. - Randy > And in that 5 years there have been gaps of 12 months, > 9 months, and several 6 month periods? > > So you've had sex about 5-10 times in your marriage? > > Just trying to get the facts here. I just replied to one of the threads above about how it progressed. But in the last few years, especially in the worst of it, it was only a few times in three years. Hopefully it is okay I just replied there and mention that post here. I don't think you would have just wanted it copied again. > > > Are you sure that you would cheat on your wife? > > I hope I wouldn't and that I never get the chance. I don't want it or [quoted text clipped - 19 lines] > > - Randy Judging from what I've read and heard, that really wouldn't be unique at all. There are tons of "predatory" women out there, just waiting to pull this crap. ddamx...@yahoo.com wrote: > Judging from what I've read and heard, that really wouldn't be unique > at all. There are tons of "predatory" women out there, just waiting to > pull this crap. I guess I was naive, I really never heard much about it other than people joking about gold-diggers when I went to college. If I ever do divorce her, I'll have to figure out how to avoid another one ensnaring me. Although if I were to get divorced, I would probably end up with so little money left that the 'predatory' women would just know to stay away from me. > > Judging from what I've read and heard, that really wouldn't be unique > > at all. There are tons of "predatory" women out there, just waiting to > > pull this crap. > I guess I was naive, I really never heard much about it other than > people joking about gold-diggers when I went to college. If I ever do > divorce her, I'll have to figure out how to avoid another one ensnaring > me. Although if I were to get divorced, I would probably end up with > so little money left that the 'predatory' women would just know to stay > away from me. Just scroll through the threads. If it's not, "She won't have sex with me," then it's "God, I hate this bum I ended up with." Men promise and women expect the stars and the moon. Men need to stop making promises and women need to examine the characters they're marrying. ddamxxam said > > > Judging from what I've read and heard, that really wouldn't be unique > > > at all. There are tons of "predatory" women out there, just waiting to [quoted text clipped - 11 lines] > women expect the stars and the moon. Men need to stop making promises > and women need to examine the characters they're marrying. Hmmmm ... I can't find much to argue with here. Casey >I love my wife and my wonderful children very much. > But I have a problem and don't know how to make it stop. I look at > other women, > flirt with them when I can and would sleep with another woman if I > could have the chance. I'll try to be very kind. IMHO, if you don't have the self-control to keep from doing those kinds of things, then you really don't have much self-control at all. I know, I know, you've been conditioned by modern society to believe that urges are not your fault, and that it's all the fault of some mental or emotional defect you have that makes you the way you are, and therefore, you really can't be blamed for any of it. In fact, there are actually some regular posters here who will praise you for having the courage to admit your disease and for coming forward with it. I disagree with all of that. You do have the ability to control your urges, and you deserve no credit for coming forward. In short, and with all the respect I can muster, you're an idiot. > I know this is wrong and hate this part of me, how do I make these > thoughts stop? By recognizing that you're an idiot. [snip the balance of more trolling post] How am I a troll? I've searched on google for answers with no luck, and am not in a position financially right now to go to counseling. I want to fix myself or get help if I am unable to. If I remember right, this is alt.support.marriage, where you can ask questions if you are having a problem in your marriage. I am having a problem, have been battling it silently for years and have been reading this group for a while as well, hoping I'd see some answer. Also, I already know I'm an idiot, and how lucky I am compared to many other people with the life that I have. > How am I a troll? First of all, if you've done that much research, you'd know proper netiquette, and you'd repost enough of that to which you're replying so that lurkers could make sense of it. Secondly, calling you a troll is being kind. If you're not a troll, and you're serious, then my conclusion about you would be less kind. Thirdly, you didn't address any of the more substantive portions of my response to you. > How am I a troll? I've searched on google for answers with no luck, > and am not in a position financially right now to go to counseling. I [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > have been battling it silently for years and have been reading this > group for a while as well, hoping I'd see some answer. Instead of battling with the problem silently how about sharing it with your wife in a more constructive way than currently? Does your wife know that you spend a lot of time thinking about other women? That would be a real turn off for most of us in our partner. How young are your children? Is your wife still nursing any of them and do both of you get enough sleep? Are you both healthy? When you have sex does your wife enjoy it, participate fully and have as many orgasms as she'd like? What was your wife's libido like before you had children? Do you have other relationship problems which might lead your wife to want to distance herself from sexual intimacy? Is she affectionate and does she hug you, smile at you, pinch your bum when she's in a naughty mood and give you to understand that she loves you and enjoys beuing in your company? You sound religious so have you spoken to your minister and asked for his help? It's perfectly natural for you to think about sex constantly at your age particularly if you're not getting enough of it! (Or even if you are...) Have you thought about flirting with and wooing your wife instead of other women? Try turning towards her in a more effective way than holding your hat and looking hopeful and you may see some positive changes. If your wife is simply worn or touched out by little children at the moment be imaginative about ways you can alleviate those feelings for her. In an ideal world you'd each be equally concerned with the other spouse's needs and desires but right now you have to work with what you've got. Turn your focus back towards your wife and see what that will achieve - it may not be all that you want but you're struggling your way out of your marriage at the moment. Is that really what you want? And if your sexual contact has really been as infrequent as you paint it you must be married to a real fertile myrtle! Tai > Instead of battling with the problem silently how about sharing it with your > wife in a more constructive way than currently? We've been talking through it for all 5 years of my marriage. I've told her time and time again that I would do anything she asked if she would give me back what we had before we were married, when she wanted me all the time. I'm not overweight, I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't verbally abuse her, I don't gamble, I devote all of my free time to her, etc... > Does your wife know that you spend a lot of time thinking about other women? > That would be a real turn off for most of us in our partner. If I told her that, I'd probably get it even less than I have, so I keep that part to myself. Instead, we try to talk through anything I can do to get her interested. > How young are your children? Is your wife still nursing any of them and do > both of you get enough sleep? Are you both healthy? She gets around 10 hours of sleep a night, our kids are around toddler age but are very well behaved. I help with them whenever I'm home, as well as cleaning the house, doing the dishes and sometimes cooking dinner. I used to cook more but very recently she started doing it so we could eat earlier since I had to make it after I got home from work. I am fit and we work out regularly so she is getting back there. She has lost most of her pregnancy weight and is almost back to where she was when we first met. That was one of her excuses so we joined a gym a while back and I've helped her lose it. > When you have sex does your wife enjoy it, participate fully and have as > many orgasms as she'd like? I don't know about as many as she'd like, but we usually spend about twenty minutes or so in foreplay where she gets one, then spend up to an hour making love, where she has at least 2-3 more and she is always extremely happy by the end. Since we do it so infrequently I go all out each time, hoping she'll want it more. Never happens though. We vary positions constantly, use toys some and sometimes watch couples videos for fun. I'll do anything she wants, but she won't give me oral. That is another sore point. > What was your wife's libido like before you had children? Before marriage, she wanted it every day, 2-3 times a day sometimes. After marriage and before kids, it dropped to once a week, then once every 2 weeks. She denied me sex almost completely in pregnancies. She denied me sex for many months after them as well. It was very hard on me emotionally to be treated like nothing more than a paycheck no matter how I tried to make her happy. > Do you have other relationship problems which might lead your wife to want > to distance herself from sexual intimacy? She brags about me on message boards about how good I am to her, and has had many of the women wishing I was their husband. I treat her with the utmost respect, don't abuse her, we communicate very well and get along great, except for this one issue. > Is she affectionate and does she hug you, smile at you, pinch your bum when > she's in a naughty mood and give you to understand that she loves you and > enjoys beuing in your company? No, I initiate everything, flirt with her constantly but it is never reciprocated. > You sound religious so have you spoken to your minister and asked for his > help? Considering her parents go to the same church and gossip starts with him a lot, I can't do that very easily. > Have you thought about flirting with and wooing your wife instead of other > women? Try turning towards her in a more effective way than holding your hat > and looking hopeful and you may see some positive changes. I have been flirting with her since the day we met, and have never stopped. She never feels unwanted. I like to be romantic, but she doesn't notice it, and try to woo her as much as I can. I don't just sit around begging for it and crying, I read sites like crazy on ideas to get her to want me again and kept trying things, but nothing works. I've only turned to flirting with other women as well in the last year or so out of desperation just to have some attention paid to me. > If your wife is simply worn or touched out by little children at the moment > be imaginative about ways you can alleviate those feelings for her. In an [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > all that you want but you're struggling your way out of your marriage at the > moment. Is that really what you want? I want to save our marriage, but I feel like only I will do anything. I've tried to get her to agree to go to sex therapy or marriage counseling, but she refused. I meet every need she has but she won't meet the very simple wants I have, of being kissed by her, having her hug me or cuddle, having her want me. I'd think it was the kids except she did it for the two years before the kids too. And they are really, really good, easy kids to take care of. I have heard so many excuses from her, like these: I'm too fat (took her to the gym, we are both fit now) You aren't romantic enough anymore (went all out for a very, very long time) You snore (had surgery to get my deviated septum fixed but it came back after a horrible recovery) Your breath smells (had surgery to get a partial tonsillectomy to get rid of tonsil stones that I'd had all my life) I'm just not attracted to you anymore (what do you say to this?) You used to be buff, what happened? (joined the gym and am working to get it back) You're too hairy down there (shave now or get waxed, was hairy before we got married) I'm too tired (no matter what time of day) I'm just not interested or can't get in the mood (tried numerous ideas on this) I have a headache (put so many different types of painkillers by the bed) I'm thirsty and then when I come upstairs with water she is asleep, or brushes me off with another excuse (learned to always have a glass of water by the bed) I have heard hundreds of excuses over 5 years. But she never just says to me, I want you. What did I do to deserve this? >> Instead of battling with the problem silently how about sharing it with >> your [quoted text clipped - 122 lines] > I have heard hundreds of excuses over 5 years. But she never just says > to me, I want you. What did I do to deserve this? I don't know. Have you told her outright that this situation is untenable? Honey, you keep making excuses. I keep trying to be for you. I need more sex. I need to feel loved, appreciated, cared for, desired. I am going to counseling now. I would like you to come with me so both of us can get our needs met. If you don't I will go alone to figure out what to do. The appointment is on Friday at 3:00pm. I can arrange for the sitter, if you wish. How's that? > I don't know. Have you told her outright that this situation is untenable? > Honey, you keep making excuses. I keep trying to be for you. I need more [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > > How's that? I have told her many times I can't keep going on like this, but then I do. I think I like your idea and will use it as soon as I get the insurance. Maybe if we go something would come out that I don't know about and she has been keeping from me for all of these years. I'd hope she isn't, but you never know. I know I'd certainly like her to come along. >> I don't know. Have you told her outright that this situation is >> untenable? [quoted text clipped - 10 lines] > I have told her many times I can't keep going on like this, but then I > do. So you have effectively told her that you WILL keep on going. > I think I like your idea and will use it as soon as I get the > insurance. Maybe if we go something would come out that I don't know > about and she has been keeping from me for all of these years. I'd > hope she isn't, but you never know. I know I'd certainly like her to > come along. Here's a question for you. What does *she* want? What does she get out of not having sex? Power? Just doesn't want to? Knowing what is going on for her would be a big help. > "Bob" <bob_villa_dh@yahoo.com> wrote in message > > I have told her many times I can't keep going on like this, but then I > > do. > > So you have effectively told her that you WILL keep on going. Unfortunately, yes. This has been a mistake and I really should have just left earlier when I first said I would if things didn't improve. > Here's a question for you. What does *she* want? What does she get out of > not having sex? Power? Just doesn't want to? Knowing what is going on for > her would be a big help. I have asked her this many, many times. Her answer is that she is happy just the way she is. She gets the clothes or shoes or things on ebay she wants. She wanted to lose a little weight, and I helped her lose it. She wants to live in a log cabin but that dream is years away if I'll ever do it. Another time she answered me by saying that she wishes I would never want sex because she isn't really interested in it. I've tried to explain to her that to me it is very important because when she doesn't want to kiss me, or want to touch me, or be affectionate with me, or have sex with me, I feel very unwanted. In her family, her mother is very cold, they were never affectionate growing up. And her grandmother was the same way. So she assumes she is probably going to end up the same way. However, I was not told this until after we were married, and her mother always seemed pretty friendly in person. I've seen her otherwise now, but didn't back then. I've also asked her why she wouldn't want to make love when she always enjoys it so much when we do. Her answer is that she just doesn't want to, she is never in the mood. Or she'll say she wants it when she wakes up (around 8am), but I have to be at work around 6am, or she'll say she wants it early afternoon (once again, when I can't be there). But the funny thing is that when I do find ways to go in later, or come home early, or it is the weekend she doesn't want me and nothing happens. All I get is endless, inconsistent excuses. Somewhere, deep down there may be something she isn't telling me, but if there is she has been hiding it for years. Also, the reason I was able to get it once a month is because she knows when she is the most fertile. And she always hopes to get pregnant again. I am so glad I got a vasectomy though. Also, if I miss that day, I don't get 'lucky' again until the next month around the same time. Another question I asked her was why can't she come up and give me a hug, or a kiss, or touch me, etc... Her answer is that she is shy. 7 years together and she is too shy to touch me? Sometimes she will if I tell her to please try, but I have to keep asking her. She can't just initiate a hug. > [..] Also, the reason I was able to get it once a month is because > she knows when she is the most fertile. And she always hopes to > get pregnant again. I am so glad I got a vasectomy though. Also, > if I miss that day, I don't get 'lucky' again until the next month > around the same time. Are you telling us that she doesn't know you've had a vasectomy? Tuli > Are you telling us that she doesn't know you've had a vasectomy? No, she knows it because I had a horrible recovery from it and we were both there when it happened. But she still hopes, every month, that she will get pregnant again even though she didn't want more than 2. It is just irrational baby lust. > > Are you telling us that she doesn't know you've had a vasectomy? > > No, she knows it because I had a horrible recovery from it and we were > both there when it happened. But she still hopes, every month, that > she will get pregnant again even though she didn't want more than 2. > It is just irrational baby lust. It may be more than that of course. The same hormonal changes that make her fertile may also make her lustful. > How am I a troll? I've searched on google for answers with no luck, > and am not in a position financially right now to go to counseling. Are you in a financial position to have your wife find out about an affair and instigate a nasty and vengeful divorce proceding? It's like saying your car payments are so high that you can't afford insurance, and you can't afford take it in to the shop to get your brakes fixed, either. IOW, you've got two issues going on that are putting your marriage in grave jeopardy (and a third implied, which is money). Fixing them is a lot cheaper than driving around waiting until your relationship hits the proverbial light pole. > Are you in a financial position to have your wife find out about an > affair and instigate a nasty and vengeful divorce proceding? No, it would finish me off financially. I don't want an affair, I just want to feel wanted again and she refuses to want me no matter how hard I try. > IOW, you've got two issues going on that are putting your marriage in > grave jeopardy (and a third implied, which is money). Fixing them is a > lot cheaper than driving around waiting until your relationship hits the > proverbial light pole. That's why I asked on here, hoping to get ideas. Also, when I had good insurance I tried to get her to go to a sex therapist or marriage counseling with me. She refused for months and got really mad at me until I finally dropped it. I should have just gone by myself. I will have good insurance again fairly soon, but I have to wait a few more months. But if I do go by myself, how do I prevent her from seeing the EOB statements from my insurance? I guess I should just tell her I'm going to therapy by myself and hope she'll come too. But I don't want to go through those fights again. > ... when I had good insurance I tried to get her to go to a sex therapist > or marriage counseling with me. She refused for months and got really [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > going to therapy by myself and hope she'll come too. But I don't want > to go through those fights again. Change your address with the insurance company to your work address. Ultimately, as you have no doubt realized, you'll have to accept that you can't make another person be the sort of person that you want them to be, that they should be, or that they promised to be, or that you deserve, no matter what you do, no matter how hard you try. One of the hardest lessons that we must learn as adults is that love does not conquer all and sometimes there is no logical outcomes. IMHO, you deservre better, much better, and if you keep trying to fix something that will never work, at the end of your days you may look back and realize that you've sacrificed the possibility of finding happiness for a hopeless cause. Sorry to be such a pessimist here, but that's my 2 cents. =R= > Change your address with the insurance company to your work address. > Ultimately, as you have no doubt realized, you'll have to accept that you > can't make another person be the sort of person that you want them to be, > that they should be, or that they promised to be, or that you deserve, no > matter what you do, no matter how hard you try. That's what I'm afraid is all that I'll learn, that she feels she doesn't have to do anything for me, that she doesn't want to try to salvage what we have or once had. > One of the hardest lessons that we must learn as adults is that love does > not conquer all and sometimes there is no logical outcomes. IMHO, you > deservre better, much better, and if you keep trying to fix something that > will never work, at the end of your days you may look back and realize > that you've sacrificed the possibility of finding happiness for a hopeless > cause. Sorry to be such a pessimist here, but that's my 2 cents. =R= No, I agree. Why I stuck with a hopeless cause for five years is a question I still don't know the answer to. I do love my kids very much, and don't want to lose them to her. That is probably part of the reason. If I could have custody of them most of the time, I would be so happy. > That's why I asked on here, hoping to get ideas. And Bob! You got ideas alright..! I've just read all your posts in this thread..and in your original post you started out taking the responsibility for your behaviour and saying you had a problem that you wanted help with because you couldn't afford counselling....(you were bordering on satyrises you said) And now...at the end of your posts you're blaming your wife, saying how you've been stuck with a hopeless case for 5 years..how she's a 'sexual predator' 'gold digger' ..you want a divorce..and god knows what else.. I'd say...go back to the beginning again! Take responsibility for yourself again, and stop blaming your wife! No wonder (with all your true feelings that have arisen over these posts) she doesn't feel like having sex with you! Do you think, for one moment, she can't see how you really feel? I'm wondering who really feels unloved here. Temily >> That's why I asked on here, hoping to get ideas. > [quoted text clipped - 11 lines] > I'd say...go back to the beginning again! Take responsibility for > yourself again, and stop blaming your wife! Say whaaaat??? Take whaaaat??? > Say whaaaat??? Take whaaaat??? LOL You're norty Bill! :o) Temily >> Say whaaaat??? Take whaaaat??? > > LOL You're norty Bill! :o) > > Temily So ornery ... > So ornery ... eh? Temily >> So ornery ... > > eh? > > Temily It's still in the dictionary (even if responsibility isn't, anymore). > It's still in the dictionary (even if responsibility isn't, anymore). crikey..i looked it up (at this website --->http://www.ornery.org/about.html ) and you're right.."ornery" is a word!! Derived from ordinary.......the 'd' got dropped! The mind boggles... We must be really backward here cos we still use 'ordinary' as the word!!!! I'd honestly never heard of 'ornery' as a word till you used it! Temily >> It's still in the dictionary (even if responsibility isn't, anymore). > > crikey..i looked it up (at this website > --->http://www.ornery.org/about.html ) and you're right.."ornery" is a > word!! Derived from ordinary.......the 'd' got dropped! The mind > boggles... Well, it may be derived from "ordinary", but it certainly doesn't mean anything close to ordinary! The way it sounds, you would think it should be spelled awnry! > We must be really backward here cos we still use 'ordinary' as the > word!!!! > > I'd honestly never heard of 'ornery' as a word till you used it! > > Temily >The way it sounds, you would think it should be spelled awnry! yeah, yeah,yeah..that's closer!~ Temily >> The way it sounds, you would think it should be spelled awnry! > > yeah, yeah,yeah..that's closer!~ > > Temily LOL. And I have a confession to make. When I originally tried to look up that word many moons ago, I could never find it in the dictionary, because I thought it was spelled that way!! Then somehow I (finally) stumblod onto it. >Then somehow I (finally) stumblod onto it. Okay, so is "stumblod" another one of *those* words? hehe Temily - stumblodding off to have a milo! (literally too - with this foot the way it is!!!) PS Hey! I quite like that for a word Bill! :o) >> Then somehow I (finally) stumblod onto it. > > Okay, so is "stumblod" another one of *those* words? hehe No, it isn't. Thanks for catchin it! My error! > Temily - stumblodding off to have a milo! (literally too - with this > foot the way it is!!!) > > PS Hey! I quite like that for a word Bill! :o) > I love my wife and my wonderful children very much. > But I have a problem and don't know how to make it stop. I look at [quoted text clipped - 15 lines] > things I can do? I am not making any excuses for myself, and would > appreciate any advice. Saltpeter. > Saltpeter. Back then, when I was at my worst I heard about saltpeter. But it is a myth, it doesn't have that effect and has many bad side effects that I wasn't willing to go through. I was pretty hopeful when I first heard about it until I did further research. Dear Bob, It bothers you that you have these feelings and you love your family. It takes 21 days to break a bad habit. I found that to be true when I finally quit smoking and when I finally lost a lot of weight. I am not the best proof reader, I skim through paragraphs and try to get to the point with-out missing things, so forgive me if I missed something. If you have the thought in the back of you mind that you would indeed have a sexual encounter with someone you flirt with, than you definately need help. But counseling isn't always helpful. I can tell you this, if you are looking at porn on the computer, in movies, in a magazine at all in any way. STOP. I promise you the problem will never go away until you screw up and ruin not just your life, but your wife and kids. For 21 days...don't even allow youself to look at them for a second. Throw it all out. Meanwhile focus on what it is that makes you love your wife, and you kids and get a new hobby, golf, hiking, day trips. This is the advice I would want someone to give my husband. Keep occupied and 'un-train' your eyes. Realize the beauty in your wife, in the trees, old buildings, Play dominoes with her and friends, or whatever. There is more to life and A husband & Wife loving each other exclusively and bringing out the best in each other is like steady money in the bank. So don't let wrong desires rob it. Olita > I love my wife and my wonderful children very much. > But I have a problem and don't know how to make it stop. I look at [quoted text clipped - 15 lines] > things I can do? I am not making any excuses for myself, and would > appreciate any advice. <snipped> > This is the advice I would want someone to give my husband. > Keep occupied and 'un-train' your eyes. Realize the beauty [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > each other is like steady money in the bank. So don't let wrong > desires rob it. :-) Nice post, Olita. Kitten > Dear Bob, > It bothers you that you have these feelings and you love your [quoted text clipped - 7 lines] > indeed have a sexual encounter with someone you flirt with, > than you definately need help. But counseling isn't always helpful. The sad thing is, I don't want an affair, I just want to feel wanted again. I haven't felt wanted since before we were married. I talked about that in other posts I wrote this morning above. It is hard to try very, very hard for her and to get nothing back in exchange. I did get two wonderful children though, and I love them very much. > I can tell you this, if you are looking at porn on the computer, > in movies, in a magazine at all in any way. STOP. I promise you > the problem will never go away until you screw up and ruin not > just your life, but your wife and kids. For 21 days...don't even > allow youself to look at them for a second. Throw it all out. We watch videos together sometimes when she is in the mood and she enjoys watching them together. Also, the only way I made it through 12 months of no sex, 9 months of no sex, and several 6 month periods of no sex, no cuddling, no kissing, no affection at all was to get up early in the morning once a week, look at a few porn pictures and jack off. No obsession with it, I just needed something. I got nothing but complaints if I tried jacking off in front of her or with her, and she will never give me oral. I just couldn't win. Also, I was only doing it once a week. I can try not doing that, but it would increase my sexual tension even higher since I can't get any release. But I'll try if it will help. > Meanwhile focus on what it is that makes you love your wife, > and you kids and get a new hobby, golf, hiking, day trips. This is good advice, and we enjoy going to the gym together. We used to hike more, but after we had kids we can't very easily. The hikes we enjoy would be too hard for toddlers, and we would never manage to carry them that far. Smaller hikes are fun, but when they have set schedules it is hard. > This is the advice I would want someone to give my husband. > Keep occupied and 'un-train' your eyes. Realize the beauty [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > each other is like steady money in the bank. So don't let wrong > desires rob it. Thank you, I appreciate your advice very much. I'll try to look at other things around me and not at women. I'd enjoy time with friends except I'm not really allowed to have any or do anything by myself. On weekends and nights I am expected to spend it with her and the kids or just her. I lost all of them when I started dating her, and she gives no way for me to get new friends. Boy do I miss hanging out with friends. 7 years without any has been hard. We've had lots of discussions on that too, she just doesn't like me going off by myself, and didn't even before the kids. > I know this is wrong and hate this part of me, how do I make these > thoughts stop? I pray daily and constantly for this burden to be > lifted from me but it won't and only seems to get stronger. I want to > go to counseling but I don't have insurance at the moment I would say counselling would be a priority for you seeing at this point it is damaging your relationship and your own self worth. But seeing you feel you can not go to counselling at the moment, you will need to use your own self control. Allow yourself to have thoughts about other women so you are not denying yourself, but if you feel tempted to act on these thoughts remind yourself women are not just sex objects.. Remind yourself women have qualities that are not just physical. Use a trigger point to remind youself, touch an ear everytime you feel you're going to cross the boundary and say that to yourself. Eventually, like pavlovs dogs, you will associate these thoughts with a better image of women. Alternatively, use imagery, picture getting a good hard slap if you did approach a woman for sex. Temily |
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