Family Forum / Marriage / Marriage / October 2006

 In my case, my first marriage meant leaping in to stepfatherhood.
(No kids of my own.)  I'd put it a lot closer to 2 years than 7.
Maybe I'm peculiar in this.  But 7 does seem pretty long -- it's the
difference between a 2 year old and a 9 year old!  Or 9 and 16!

 It does take time and effort.  No doubt more of both if both parents
have kids prior to the marriage.

Hey Cal,
I can't speak for Jen's stats, but I can speak from experience both
personally and professionally.  I highly recommend any book by John and
Emily Visher.  They are the pioneers of step families and were step
parents themselves.  I'm not sure if they're alive; but I had the
pleasure of meeting them at a seminar probably two decades ago.  The
books are wonderful. Then there's the Step Family Foundation or Support
Group or whatever it's called...mind you it was about 15-20 years ago
that I dealt with it all.

I did a lot of research on the subject and while Jen's number might be
correct; you have to take into account various issues.  One is where
the children live or if they are visiting children.  Kids who live in
one place, will adapt quicker (obviously) rather than those who go back
and forth on a regular basis.  The age of the children is a factor.
The strength of the parental relationship (the new marriage) and also
the state of the relationship of the divorced couple.  Children who
feel pushed and pulled like chess peices will not fare as well as those
that are treated with respect and dignity.

Having not read the OP, I don't know if this is the type of info that
you're seeking, but stick with the Vishers.  If they have suggestions;
follow them!  I have fond memories of their warmth and compassion at a
very difficult time in my life.  And they weren't my kids or my
ex-spouse that I was dealing with.  It my significant other's (at the
time) who had a bitter ex-wife and 3 out of control children.  I can't
believe I survived that!  The relationship didn't, but I did :-)

Actually, that's four years and not seven. I didn't read it anywhere. I
heard it from our child psychologist.

jen

Argh... hit send too soon!!

The four year average wasn't about integrating blended families. It was
how long it takes a child to adjust to divorce - whether there's a
remarriage or not.

And 4 years is an *average* - some kids take less time, some take more
time. There are numerous factors that go into that. For example  the
child's temperament, child's age, remarriage/blending families, etc.
But most important takeaway is that the more hostile the situation
between coparents, the longer it takes for a child to adjust.

jen