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Family Forum / Marriage / Marriage / November 2006I need help, please read this
Hello all, I'm new here and I think I just need to vent, My Wife and I have known each other since the 1st grade and we've been married for six years. We lived together for several years before gettin married, and moved away from our hometown to persue my Wife's Masters Degree. Life was great for the first few years. We bought a house on the lake, both of us had good jobs, and we went out on "dates" often. After a few years she decided she wanted to open a bed & breakfast, so we sold our affordable home and opened a B&B. The next few years were a challenge financially but I plodded along in my high stress IT job so that we could make it work. The B&B was a break even business at best although I enjoyed it at times. I wish we'd never sold the lake house... Two years after opening the B&B we decided to have a child and sell the B&B. I quit my job and started a new career selling Real Estate. We moved into a nice home in the woods that would be "affordable" in comparrison to the B&B. The plan was to finish the basement so my hermit Mother-in-law could move in with us to provide child care. Here's the catch...she's a crazy old cat lady. She wouldn't agree to move in with us unless she could bring her 8 cats with her! My Wife insisted that she move in because she's getting old and It'd be nice to have my Son's Grandmother providing our child care instead of some stranger, plus it's free. If I said no my Wife would be miserable, so I said "yes dear" and now my "home" is slowly being destroyed by cats. It smells like cat piss, there's fur EVERYWHERE!!!, and my furniture is trashed. Not to mention the money we're spending to care for them!!! My Brother-in-law has also been living with us for the last 14 months while he attends college locally. He's paid us rent for six of the last 14 months and has no job. He's run out of student loan money and is currently mooching money from his mother (whos only income is social security) so he can buy gas for his car, snack food, & mounain dew. He's 29 years old and he spend's his free time playing video games online, eating my food, using my electricity, and breathing my air!!! Oh, and I haven't had sex (with anyone other than myself) in seven months. If I dare complain about any of the above, my Wife runs upstairs and cries herself to sleep... Do I have a reason to be depressed? We're struggling financially, My Wife thinks I'm an a.shole because I'm unhappy with our current situation, and I feel like I'm a guest in my Wife's family's house. (snipped) >Here's the catch...she's a crazy old cat lady. She wouldn't agree to >move in with us unless she could bring her 8 cats with her! My Wife >insisted that she move in because she's getting old and It'd be nice to >have my Son's Grandmother providing our child care instead of some >stranger, plus it's free. If she's too old to care for herself, she's too old to care for a baby. Period. (snipped) >My Brother-in-law has also been living with us for the last 14 months >while he attends college locally. He's paid us rent for six of the last [quoted text clipped - 6 lines] >Oh, and I haven't had sex (with anyone other than myself) in seven >months. Having other people in the house can mess up a couple's sex-life (i know this). Kick the 20-something age man out, he has no business there not contributing to the household. You and your wife need to be alone together without the brother-in-law or the mother-in-law OR the cats for awhile. Obviously she's not going to stand up against anyone and make this happen, so YOU are going to have to bite that bullet and stand up for your wife, your marriage, your child and your home. I know it's hard to tell your spouse's family to get out, but you need to with the circumstances you described here. Having other people in the house can mess up a couple's sex-life (i know > this). > [quoted text clipped - 6 lines] > I know it's hard to tell your spouse's family to get out, but you need to with > the circumstances you described here Our sex live has been messed up for years, even before this whole in-law mess. My Mother-in-law isn't so old that she can't care for the baby, but she does have some health issues. I think my Wife feels like she's stuck in the middle of this situation. She wants me to be happy, but she also want's to help her other family members. I don't think it's as simple as me kicking them out. The other day my Brother-in-law had the balls to put all sorts of specific stuff for himself on the grocery list and I freaked out on him. I asked him if he honestly expected us to buy him $20 refills for his razor, multiple 6-packs of soda, and other junk food. I continued to explain to him that we're having money problems and the fact that he's a huge bum isn't helping us at all. My Wife agrees with me on this, but if I speak up I'm the jerk. She's recently brought to my attention that I've been very short with her lately and that I lose patience quickly when were together. I guess it's because I blame her for this whole situation dating back to the descision to sell our first house. >My Wife agrees with me on this, but if I speak up I'm the jerk. She's >recently brought to my attention that I've been very short with her >lately and that I lose patience quickly when were together. I guess >it's because I blame her for this whole situation dating back to the >descision to sell our first house. But you do, don't you? You blame her for the decision to sell the first house, for the decision to have her mother move in, for the brother, etc. And, sure, these things were her idea, but you were along for the ride, too. These decisions were made WITH you, even if they weren't your first choices, but now you seem to be sitting back and saying, this is all your fault. And, of course, I can see why you'd do that, and I also see why you'd be absolutely miserable with the way things are, and why you'd feel trapped by the whole thing. But I'm betting (and you pretty much said this) that she feels trapped and miserable, too, plus she has loyalties on both sides, or at least a sense of guilt and obligation or whatever. The thing is that it doesn't matter, at this point, whose fault it is that the situation exists. You have to *both* agree to put the past behind you, because that part, whoever's fault it was, cannot be changed. You are both accountable for getting where you are, but that doesn't even really matter, because it IS where you are and what you have to work with. And so you need to figure out how to be a team in order to solve the problem. But your team isn't really working together at this point. Marriage counseling would be the clear and obvious next step, because you need to be out of the tense home environment and in an atmosphere in which you can learn to build a joint solution to your problems. >Marriage counseling would be the clear and obvious next step, because >you need to be out of the tense home environment and in an atmosphere >in which you can learn to build a joint solution to your problems. I agree. When i was in a situation with problems between myself and adult stepkids and their mother (putting my husband in the middle) we went to a few sessions of counseling. Having a non-involved third-party to listen to our concerns and give an outside perspective (which pretty much turned out to be the same advice i'd received in newsgroups) helped us to come up with plans and solutions. Even then there were problems, deadlines weren't met as agreed upon, but still it eventually worked out and, IMO, kept me from moving out and probably saved our marriage. >> Marriage counseling would be the clear and obvious next step, because >> you need to be out of the tense home environment and in an atmosphere [quoted text clipped - 12 lines] > eventually worked out and, IMO, kept me from moving out and probably saved our > marriage. Thirded. If there is a good solution to be found, and I optimistically believe there is here, this is the best way to go. > Having other people in the house can mess up a couple's sex-life (i > know [quoted text clipped - 11 lines] > Our sex live has been messed up for years, even before this whole > in-law mess. "My Wife and I have known each other since the 1st grade and we've been married for six years. We lived together for several years before gettin married ..." Lucky you. This sounds like a good opportunity for the two of you to start exploring or begin re-exploring your sexuality. Go for it! ... A good excuse/reason/need to make it so. .. As to what your house guests or neighbors might think? F* 'em! You snooze. You lose. Your life. You choose. [Notice my *deliberate* ambiguity, here. ... This is your and your wife's deliberate decision and no one else's business. There can be no other way.] > My Mother-in-law isn't so old that she can't care for the baby, but she > does have some health issues. Nice thought. Meaning ... Bottom line: * Make good use of the live in nanny * Throw the the unused 'live in' nanny out. * Have the un(der)used 'live in' nanny pay rent. * suffer. In short, you circumstantialized your MIL moving in with you, at the outset. Either live that reality or suffer the consequences of "dreaming up excuses" for doing what you emotionally choose to do. > I think my Wife feels like she's stuck in the middle of this situation. > She wants me to be happy, but she also want's to help her other family [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > to him that we're having money problems and the fact that he's a huge > bum isn't helping us at all. The solution here is very simple. Deliberately set out to rent the space that your BIL is occupying. ... No hard feelings. You need the money. Your BIL then has to face up to "paying his way" as *best he can* as opposed to "taking advantage of the situation" because it's convenient ... or because it has become a comfortable habit. It's so very easy to forget what one takes for granted. > My Wife agrees with me on this, but if I speak up I'm the jerk. ... Play it straight! Your BIL and MIL are there for specific reasons. ~~~> Those reasons have been forgotten. Those reasons are everything<~~~ Find your way back to those reasons or suffer the consequences of not doing so. > She's recently brought to my attention that I've been very short with her > lately and that I lose patience quickly when were together. I guess > it's because I blame her for this whole situation dating back to the > descision to sell our first house. If all else fails? Sell the house and move to another city. "Sorry folks, things change. It's beyond our control. Bye, bye." > I think my Wife feels like she's stuck in the middle of this situation. > She wants me to be happy, but she also want's to help her other family > members. I don't think it's as simple as me kicking them out. But you can reduce! Start with taking the cats to a shelter and giving your brother-in-law an 'end to the freeloading' date! Take charge..and don't be so much of a yes-man. The consequences have to be better than the current situation. Temily > If I said no my Wife would be miserable, so I said "yes dear" You and your W need to learn the art of negotiation. I have gotten lots of good tips from two books, "Getting to Yes" and "Fall in Love Stay in Love." They both emphasize the idea of win-win solutions - where you come up with a way that both people can be happy, rather than (1) one person giving in, or even (2) compromising. The "Fall in Love" guy says that everyone has a "giver" and a "taker" in them. In the early part of the relationship, both spouses' givers tend to be ascendent, because they are so in love and no children or deadbeat brothers have come along yet. Once complications set in, things get more difficult. Someone feels that they have given enough and lets their taker loose. They push for what they want. The one who gives feels resentful. The one who takes feels guilty. No one is happy. The solution is *not* to have everyone giving all the time. The taker is the part of you that makes sure you get what you need. It is as important and healthy as the giver. Instead, the solution is to make everyone's taker happy - back to the win-win solution. Now, from your post, it seems you feel like a victim. Awful things have been foisted on you, and you are trapped. But what is your part in this? You agreed to a bunch of stuff you didn't want. Major decisions, one after another. You need to stop doing this. From this point forward, no one knuckles under. You keep negotiating until you find a better way. > > If I said no my Wife would be miserable, so I said "yes dear" > [quoted text clipped - 25 lines] > forward, no one knuckles under. You keep negotiating until you find a > better way. You have lots of good advice from the previous posters. I just want to add another perspective. It seems that you and your wife have prioritized your marriage and your relationship last, after all sorts of other obligations. I think this happens in many marriages with children, where the couple devotes all their time and energy to the children, and then they have none left for their relationship. In your case, you have the children PLUS all the other complications in your house. This is a "perfect storm" for the destruction of your relationship. Relationships require work. They require maintenance. Like a garden, if you neglect them they will wither and the weeds will take over. You and your wife need to put a higher priority on your marriage and your relationship. And this is not just for the benefit of you and your wife. If your marriage falls apart, your children will suffer. For their sake as well as your own, you need to make sure you devote time and energy for just you and your wife. You need to find ways to be alone together on a regular basis, and get back some of the romance you had when it was just you and your wife. > You and your wife need to put a higher priority on your marriage and > your relationship. And this is not just for the benefit of you and [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > be alone together on a regular basis, and get back some of the romance > you had when it was just you and your wife. Yeah, what he said. >> You and your wife need to put a higher priority on your marriage and >> your relationship. And this is not just for the benefit of you and [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > > Yeah, what he said. I can identify. We all do it. We are so busy with being a team, both being there for the children, etc., that we neglect maintaining the team. Our first step back was to spend half an hour together every evening, just alone and quiet, not trying to talk over the television (turn it off). Get a cup/glass of your favourite drink. This was on our counsellor's advice. We weren't told to say anything in particular, just tune in to each other again. Because our home address, my wife's work and the counsellor's location formed roughly a triangle, my wife suggested that we meet at a hotel near the counsellor for dinner immediately before. That was a great help as well. And we weren't separated. Recently, we have found walking together to be good, but that is for later. When we first went house-hunting, some houses had Parents' Retreats - a room like a den. Something serving that purpose is needed in every marriage. Doug L.  SignatureScience is organized knowledge. Wisdom is organized life. - Immanuel Kant |
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