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Family Forum / Marriage / Marriage / November 2006Thanksgiving Holiday Madness
Well, things were going well on Thanksgiving eve, DW & I, went out for dinner with our neighbors for the neighbors wive's birthday. We went to a local "Dinner Club" where we had both been before for lunch but not with each other. We both had great meals. They had a band playing nice music so we were able to get up and dance together, hand in hand, it was very nice! I haven't been able to hold DW in a long time so it was very enjoyable. It was kind of like going to a wedding. We both commented on how we need to bring our parents there as they would also enjoy the food and dancing. After Dinner we had plans to go to our friends annual Thanksgiving eve party with the other couples we had dinner with. I have posted two years ago about the same party. Well DW got very loaded. Mutliple drinks pre-dinner, at dinner and a least over a 1.5 bottles of wine at the party. At one point I found her camera laying on a table so I thought hey I could take a few pics of the party crowd. I went around taking pictures. I found my wife in the living room sitting on a couch and she had a tray of Jello shots. The host makes jello shots for all her parties, she wears a sign describing the flavors (rainbow assortment), kinda like a "cigarette girl." My wife had taken over the duty for a bit from the host except she was only serving herself. I approached her and said hey! She smiled and said "Take my picture doing a jello shot." I took a shot, I smiled and then walked away. I went into the kitchen and was talking to neighbors when DW walked up to the group in conversation and started in on me saying "you suck at taking pictures...gimmy that" then she grabbed for the camera forcefully. I tugged back saying that "I wasn't done yet and would like to take a few more.." She pulled harder on the camera then started saying.."one.....two....three..." I then said "your kidding me your counting!" From then on she has gone off on me for everything I do saying that I was a child for pulling away from her. Even commenting on the way I make chocolate chip cookies... I menan come on, I was following the Toll House directions. She has held onto that instance since last Wednesday night through Thanksgiving weekend. As of last night she stated that she wants to stay away, distanced from me this week and have as little contact with me as possible. She then stated "this weekend I am going out, and not at all with you so make your own plans, because I need time away from you. And if that works we'll do the same the following weekend. I'll get me mom to watch the boys if you want to go out." I know she was tired as the boys had the flu on Saturday. I was up north hunting on Friday and I also got the flu, I came home early from my weekend on Saturday. It is not like we don't get time to ourselves. She goes out of town with girlfriends every fall to a craft show for a weekend. (Drunken mess from what I am told). This year was the first time I have been able to get away and go up north hunting (and then I get the flu..errrr) So we always given each other space. I just don't get the "I can't be around you I need space" Maybe it has to do with me sticking up for myself lately and not backing down to her unruly demands and cutdowns. As many of you may remember from my past posts from last May and years before about her anger. Looks like I am once again going to a therapist. The old one is no longer around so I am looking to talk to a male - couples/marriage psychologist to work things through in my head. I talked with DW last night and she is distancing me as a punishment for treating her poorly.. she said, "why do I want to be around someone who degrades me when we are together?" I am just so confused now. So I guess I will just go out and have fun with friends. > Well, things were going well on Thanksgiving eve, DW & I, went out for > dinner with our neighbors for the neighbors wive's birthday. We went to [quoted text clipped - 53 lines] > longer around so I am looking to talk to a male - couples/marriage > psychologist to work things through in my head. > Well DW got very loaded. Oh yeah, I remember your DW now. Sorry it is still this way. :-( I can't believe it either. I think I am to the point (rut) were everyone has heard the same rant from me and has nothing to offer anymore...same S#%t different day. > > Well DW got very loaded.Oh yeah, I remember your DW now. Sorry it is still this way. :-( > I can't believe it either. I think I am to the point (rut) were everyone > has heard the same rant from me and has nothing to offer anymore...same > S#%t different day. I think I suggested last time that you not be around your W when she drinks. > > > Well DW got very loaded. > > Oh yeah, I remember your DW now. Sorry it is still this way. :-( You did say that as well as other here. I even heard to remove all the booze from the house. That didn't stop DW from buying her Costco & Trader Joe's bottles of wine. I have heard to many times.. "Your not my Father.." I have done the don't be around her thing and that left me alone, while all my friends, neighbors and DW where all together. So that isn't the best option, I do like to be social and be around others, I am not a hermit. I guess I need to do even more sole searching to figure out if I need to make a desicion to stay or go or tell her to shape up...I have been down the therapist route, DW was barely active in that, by choice. So that route hasn't seemed to work. I want it to work so badly. I don't want to put my boys through this. I love my house, neighborhood, garage...etc. I so don't want to go to an apartment. It is so hard. > > I can't believe it either. I think I am to the point (rut) were everyone > > has heard the same rant from me and has nothing to offer anymore...same [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > > > > Well DW got very loaded. > > > Oh yeah, I remember your DW now. Sorry it is still this way. :-( > I want it to work so badly. I don't want to put my boys through this. I > love my house, neighborhood, garage...etc. I so don't want to go to an > apartment. Yes, I hear you. :-( > You did say that as well as other here. I even heard to remove all the > booze from the house. That didn't stop DW from buying her Costco & [quoted text clipped - 16 lines] > > It is so hard. It sounds _very_ hard. I was thinking about you as I went to eat lunch today. I feel a lot of empathy with you, and wish I could make a useful suggestion. But I don't think I can think of any useful suggestions. I don't like what your wife is doing, or how she behaves. But it is useless to make suggestions for _her_, and I can't think of a good tactic for you to take. The obvious thing is to avoid being around her when she is behaving inappropriately. I really think she has a serious alcohol problem, but I have no idea how you get her to realize that she has an alcohol problem. She is right, you aren't her father. And you have to avoid getting into wrestling matches with her over cameras! I think the problem which has you caught up is that you disapprove of much of her behavior. (I can't blame you for that - I do too, at least as you describe it.) But it is going to be difficult or impossible for her to have positive feelings towards you while you disapprove of her behavior. At the same time, I don't see how you can avoid feeling that disapproval. Is there some way that you can avoid triggering her hostility by avoiding the disapproval? It is difficult for me to tell how bad her behavior really is. If you could ask for and reward the positive things (like spending enjoyable time with you and family) and find a way to not behave disapprovingly about the negative things, maybe the balance would shift a little bit. BTW, am I the only one who is mystified by a part of people old enough to have children which features "jello shots?" This may be another reason I have trouble coming up with constructive suggestions - I don't understand things like the Thanksgiving holiday party with jello shots. > BTW, am I the only one who is mystified by a part of people old enough > to have children which features "jello shots?" This may be another > reason I have trouble coming up with constructive suggestions - I > don't understand things like the Thanksgiving holiday party with jello > shots. I find that exceptionally appalling. If I thought that it would reduce the amount of the children's exposure to that kind of behavior, I'd counsel Matt to peel out of the marriage, like, yesterday, and ditch the jello-shooting "friends" in the process. I mean, crikey. With friends like that, who needs Jerry Springer? >> BTW, am I the only one who is mystified by a part of people old >> enough to have children which features "jello shots?" This may be [quoted text clipped - 8 lines] > > I mean, crikey. With friends like that, who needs Jerry Springer? Yep, "jello shots"? Good grief. (And I say that as both a wine and spirits drinker and without a wowserish bone in my body.) I have to wonder how often Matt's wife is driving the children around the next morning with significant amounts of alcohol in her system, too. Actually, Matt, is that an approach you might be able to take with your wife? I believe it's possible to buy a breathalyser for private use here, can you do the same there? If she's in denial about how much she's drinking and the fact she's clearly a binge drinker, anyway, would showing her that she still has alcohol in her system many hours later after she's been partying give her pause for thought? Your children's safety should be something you can be firm about and big wet raspberries to any suggestion you're 'fathering' her about such an important issue! Tai > I have to wonder how often Matt's wife is driving the children around the > next morning with significant amounts of alcohol in her system, too. [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > she still has alcohol in her system many hours later after she's been > partying give her pause for thought? It is funny because the "Jello Shot" maker one of DWs great friends will refrain from having anything to drink if she has her kids with her. If her husband I get together for coaching meetings (both coach kids soccer teams), she may come over to our house with their kids to hang&chat with DW. Friends won't drink, amazing isn't it. However it doesn't rub off on DW. She is ok with the way she is, in fact she is always right! .....do you sense a hint of sarcasim? >> BTW, am I the only one who is mystified by a part of people old enough >> to have children which features "jello shots?" This may be another [quoted text clipped - 8 lines] > >I mean, crikey. With friends like that, who needs Jerry Springer? No kidding. And I'm wondering just why is it that Matt should be the one to leave the house, the neighborhood, the garage, the kids, and go to an apartment. Wouldn't Mrs. Matt be the more likely person to leave? That would give her her own place to party in, without the kids around. Jello shots. For crying out loud. That's something that teenagers do. So is saying, "You're not the boss of me!", which is effectively what she's telling Matt when he disapproves of the drinking. Lauri in WA >No kidding. And I'm wondering just why is it that Matt should be the > one to leave the house, the neighborhood, the garage, the kids, and go [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > do. So is saying, "You're not the boss of me!", which is effectively > what she's telling Matt when he disapproves of the drinking. She tell's me things like that when it is appropriate and benefits her. She puts out the double standards that i am suppose to live up to. I once confronted a neighbor for making sexual comments at a party. She then said that she can stick up for herself and that she was embarrased that I stuck up for her. But yet I am suppose to be her supportive, finacial, fun but "not to much fun" husband. > >No kidding. And I'm wondering just why is it that Matt should be the > > one to leave the house, the neighborhood, the garage, the kids, and go [quoted text clipped - 12 lines] > that I stuck up for her. But yet I am suppose to be her supportive, > finacial, fun but "not to much fun" husband. Matt, I can't remember what people said to you when you were posting regularly before, so forgive me if I'm repeating myself or themselves. Given the way that you feel towards your wife, and the way she feels towards you, IMO it would be better for you and your kids if you issued an ultimatum (only of course if you _mean_ it). The kind of ultimatum I imagine is "I'll initiate divorce proceedings unless you agree to go to couples counseling with me and start doing serious work with me on our marriage." Just a thought. > Given the way that you feel towards your wife, and the way she feels > towards you, IMO it would be better for you and your kids if you [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > unless you agree to go to couples counseling with me and start doing > serious work with me on our marriage." Doug, In the past someone, maybe even you said an ultimatium should be given. However this one was stated a little clearer and means more now. I think it should be stated: "We need to agree to go to couples counseling and seriously work on the marriage/relationship together as a couple or we should just consider a separation" I guess it is the same thing except a little less drastict. The whole thing is drastic! > > Given the way that you feel towards your wife, and the way she feels > > towards you, IMO it would be better for you and your kids if you [quoted text clipped - 13 lines] > a couple or we should just consider a separation" I guess it is the > same thing except a little less drastict. The whole thing is drastic! I agree that it is drastic, and shouldn't be thought of lightly. But when I read about the way she treats you (with contempt) and the way you think about her (with sarcasm and resentment) it makes me think that this is a toxic environment for all. So it should be worked on seriously to improve it, or if that is impossible, the environment should be made less toxic another way (by separating). Of course keep in mind that my advice is worth about what you've paid for it. At best. On Nov 29, 5:25 pm, Doug Anderson <ethelthelogremovet...@gmail.com> wrote: > And you have to avoid getting into wrestling matches with her over cameras! I agree with you about wrestling matches. It is just a reaction that I have been getting and also building up. Building up in the sense of sticking up for myself, with regards to her verbal attacks, and the occasional physical. > I think the problem which has you caught up is that you disapprove of > much of her behavior. (I can't blame you for that - I do too, at > least as you describe it.) But it is going to be difficult or > impossible for her to have positive feelings towards you while you > disapprove of her behavior. At the same time, I don't see how you > can avoid feeling that disapproval. Yea, How long can I turn my head the other way? > Is there some way that you can avoid triggering her hostility by > avoiding the disapproval? It is difficult for me to tell how bad her > behavior really is. If you could ask for and reward the positive > things (like spending enjoyable time with you and family) and find a > way to not behave disapprovingly about the negative things, maybe the > balance would shift a little bit. Well the balance has shifted to her from me, as she has been disapproving of me for quiet a while. It is amazing that her memory is so sharp and drags up things from 10 years ago, to through in my face. > BTW, am I the only one who is mystified by a part of people old enough > to have children which features "jello shots?" I have said in the past about our neighborhood and the people in it. It is interesting the friends she has picked up over the years. They all seem to be partiers. Which I was to a slight degree, remember I was threatened with Divorce if I didn't quick smoking pot. BTW still clean. It is funny she wants me to be in "control" but yet not. |
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