Family Forum / Marriage / Marriage / November 2006

Sounds like a nice surprise...

I have a friend who sells rings over the internet. He has a fantastic
ebay rating and is a great guy also.
www.diamondsbylauren.com
great prices too. It pays to compare!!!

my wife is bringing back one of his rings from her vacation. I hope it
is not going to break the bank!

Good luck.

Jack

Wow!  My husband and i have our 5th next April.

We skipped the whole engagement-ring thing.  We rarely do "tradition" in
matters of love and romance.

Heck with rules.  If you want to give your wife a nice piece of jewelry, just
do it and forget about rules.

Really good cunnilingus will make her stay longer than that...
;-)

Is she a "ring" sort of person?  I don't wear rings all the time, except my
wedding band, but i have some different CZ rings i like now and then.
For me, a ring with a raised stone (like a solitaire) is bad news.  I get it
caught on things or scratch myself or other things with it.  (i'm sort of
clumsy).  I'd be afraid of a $2000 ring, i'd probably put it away somewhere
safe and never wear it for fear of losing it or getting mugged for it!  But as
for style, on my thin fingers i prefer something that lies flat, like
channel-set.   But your wife's preferences are likely completely different
from mine...

Does she?  I guess that I'd start by wanting to be very sure about
this.  I have a ring with a tiny diamond, and I love it and wouldn't
trade it for the world.  Some people are big ring people; others think
jewelry is a huge waste of money.

There are no rules.  I know any number of people who've "upgraded"
rings.  However, another way to go is an eternity band (that's the
series of smaller diamonds) or there are ring... um, can't think what
they're called, rings that go around the existing ring.

However... make sure that whatever it is can be returned.  I'm not
trying to rain on your parade, and I think it's lovely that you're
thinking about this, but there have been discussions on this group SO
many times that go something like "I hate my ring but I don't feel
like I can say so" or something like that.  Possibly another way to do
it, depending on what your wife is like, is giving her a card and
flowers and saying, let's go pick out a wonderful ring together.
After all, she has to wear it.

That must be a man thing i'd say............lol

There are two types of diamond engagement rings...

There's the solitaire bezel setting where the diamond is more smoothed
off with a rim...and there's the claw set solitaire diamond...which can
be set singularly or have other little diamonds set around or next to
it..or square cut bagets set in our around it..

And remember the 5 "Cs" of choosing a diamond..Colour, Clarity, Carats,
Cut and Cost!

But I think she'd love anything you choose especially...or design for
her :o)

Temily

There is no ring police!  ;)

Best wishes!  You should (1) make sure she
does want another ring and (2) make sure she
will like the ring you get.  You ought to know
her personality best.  For me, I want to pick
out the ring myself.

-- Anita --

Hi, Greg.

You really don't know which style she likes?  The two different kinds
of rings have very different meanings.

Does she have an already existing ring she will want to continue to
wear?  If so - do not get the wedding band style.  Did she really want
an engagement ring?  I'll bet she did - and the biggest solitaire you
can get (avoid the small diamonds) would be the *safe* way to go -
except that my observation is that there is a certain type of woman who
wants the baguettes or side diamonds - they don't want the "girly girl"
or what they think may be the "ostentatious" look of the big rock.
But, if it is well cut (I like princess or emerald or square - and so
do both my daughters, whose taste otherwise varies - and my two sisters
like those as well, also), a solitaire is the way to go - if she likes
solitaires (most do).

The princess or emerald cuts are the ones I think look most up to date
with the side diamonds.  The set of round diamonds style (with one on
each side) is a bit more dated - I teach young people and see lots and
lots of new rings, and one of the preferred styles among the more
serious, less "girly" women is a series of square diamonds (like four
of them) with a larger one in the middle  -  the thinking is, they say,
that it "goes with" any other ring (as long as metals match) and it
doesn't stick out and get caught on things - it's understated and
sophisticated.  The middle rock will still be plenty big - and there
are plenty within your budget.

The surprise part is really cool.  I really dig that you are trying to
do that.  I think it's more appropriate to surprise her with such a
ring now - after you've been together and you know her well - it's
still tricky.  If she has friends or sisters, observe what their rings
(if any) look like and do NOT get exactly the same thing!

My favorite rings were all picked out by me - but were still a
surprise.  We were already together - and I didn't think he had much
money, wasn't thinking rings - and he is such a sweetie, he goes
shopping with me anyway - so we were shopping and he'd say, let's look
in this jewelry store or that one - he wanted to show me a watch like
the one his father had back home, etc. - and then of course I'd glance
at the diamonds (or the emeralds or the topazes...) and he would ask
lots of questions, "Is that what women like?  Would you want one?  Who
wears that type of ring?  What type would you wear?"  I'd find it
unavoidably to stare at what I really liked, ultimately.

And darned if it wasn't the case that after about a month of this -
*he* knew better than I did what I wanted.  One day, we were at an
outdoor mall and he was looking in jewelry shops and found this place
that had semi-custom rings and said, "You know I think you'd like this
one - or one of these..."

Bet you can guess the rest of the story.  He could have purchased a
ring without me there - at that point - for sure.  He asked enough
questions about handbags, shoes, hemlengths and random other things to
throw me off.  Looking back, I did wonder about the sudden interest in
shopping.

Above all - have fun.  If you can turn it into an adventure for both of
you - so much the better.

Regards,
Atalanta

Ha!

I think it's a lot of money for you to spend with so much you don't know
about what you want to spend it on.

Such as.... does your wife wear her engagment ring all the time? If she does
it's a pretty good indication that she likes it and it has value for her
that probably surpasses how much or little you paid for it. Does she like to
wear rings on her other hand and/or her other fingers? That is, is she a
ring person, generally?

How big are her fingers? I have small hands and don't like to wear more than
two rings on my left hand and rarely more than one on my right. When my
husband was very keen to buy me a ring for our 15th anniversary I settled on
a channel set band which I wear with my sapphire & diamond engagement ring
instead of my plain wedding band.

You can put me in the camp with those who don't like to be surprised with
expensive jewellery even though my husband knows my tastes and chooses the
inexpensive kind well. Also, are you sure you wife wouldn't like a trip
somewhere nice instead?  (Travel is much more fun than jewellery!)

I like my rings and they do have sentimental value but I didn't actually
wear any rings for years when our children were small and they don't have a
great deal of symbolic value to me. I take them off immediately I return to
our house and put them on with my shoes as I run out the door. My husband
never, ever takes his wedding ring off, though.

Personally I think most diamond solitaires of any cut are boring unless the
setting is something special and what looks good in the box may not look
well on every woman's hand so rings need to be tried on before buying.

Anyway, you do have months to window shop for ideas and quietly get her
opinion on all kinds of settings.... as well as whether she would like one
at all!

Tai

I just wanted to say...an eternity ring is what it's usually called
when you get another ring after the engagement and wedding ring.....:o)

She might like it (i know i would) if you gave it to her as that...and
as a re-affirmation of your eternal love for her.

Temily

I think you have to be very cautious in assuming what your wife wants,
especially when it comes to spending $2,000 in joint funds. So, here are
a few things to consider:

(a) it doesn't really matter what style of ring you like, does it? It
matters what she likes, eh?

(b) does she wear her current engagement ring all the time? do you think
she will be bothered by replacing it with a different ring? Women can be
weirdly sentimental about things. A 5-year anniversary is an important
milestone, to be sure. But anniversaries come around every year, and
nice round ones recur every 5 years. It just may not have the same
emotional weight in her mind as "the day he proposed"...which if the two
of you are lucky, will be a once-in-a-lifetime thing. If she's a
strongly sentimental person who places more value in memories than in
monetary worth, asking her to replace her dollarwise inexpensive but
symbolically priceless engagement ring may not work for her

(c) If she's a person who values experiences over things, she may prefer
the money be spent on a special anniversary trip or something.

(d) In terms of what's going to generate positive feelings in your
marriage through the next 5 years, there's solid research that says
gifts--even big ones--only work for a limited amount of time in
producing positive feelings. Even if you spend thousands of dollars on
something, it will only give the receiver a major boost for a few days,
and a residual trail of gratitude for a few weeks. In the emotional
economy of gift-giving, it's a much wiser investment to give a $10 gift
once a week than to give than to give a $500 gift once a year, or a
$5,000 gift every 5 years.

That said...

I'm not much of a jewelry person myself, but when we were talking about
these things in the leadup to getting engaged, we decided to go with a
custom ring. I must say, working with the jewelry designer to craft this
gorgeous, unique piece was one of the highlights of my life. You might
want to look into that route. You could still work it in as a surprise
(by planning a surprise trip to the jeweler into your anniversary
getaway, for example). She would then have the option to choose big
stone/simple setting, smaller stone/fancier setting, reusing the
original gem into a multi-stone ring, or maybe not even a different
piece of jewelry altogether!

(And if you're anywhere near Seattle, Green Lake Jewelry Works does
AMAZING work--they also do interactive design over the internet)

<rant> If I see one more ad for Zales or Kays overpriced tacky crap, I'll
scream. </rant>

If you must buy a ring, get a vintage one.

I think you should definitely include her in the decision (just forget
about the surprise).   She will be wearing it and probably has definite
taste ideas.

Just as an FYI, when my wife and I went to pick out her engagement ring
(yes we went together) we got the ring she wanted (and I admire as she
has better taste than me) and when we started looking wedding bands the
jeweler talked us out of it.   He claimed the custom of an engagement
ring and a wedding band was a fairly recent custom and begged us to use
the beautiful engagement ring as her wedding ring also.  So we did as he
suggested.

Why do you think that?

You know, sometimes I get the feeling that guys think this even when
it's not true.  It *might* be that she cherishes the ring she has
because it symbolizes how much you have loved each other from the
start, your roots, your beginnings.

That's not to say that buying her another ring is a bad idea, or
anything like that.  But don't down-play the sentimental value of the
ring you chose 5 years ago.  It is to be cherished, for what it
signifies.

<snipped>

Greg, I hate to say this, but what disturbs me is that last comment of
yours, no matter how jokingly you may have written it.  If you've a
strong, loving relationship, then the ring is just a symbol.  Nothing
more.  If it's the ring that's keeping her with you, then you don't
have a strong, loving relationship.

Kitten