Family Forum / Marriage / Marriage / November 2006

There are no easy answers to this.  I have seen it in different situations
and under different circumstances (e.g. jobs, boss/peers, friends).  I have
quit jobs and broke off relationships where I have to realize that I made a
mistake because the other circumstances to come my way were much worse.  I
have also messed up a good many things that were my fault, and I had to pay
the price of doing so.
The other day, I went to a going away lunch for a coworker.  She had been
through a difficult divorce that left her jaded and upset.  I am sure that
there was a lot behind it that she did not tell me about, so giving her
advice would have been more difficult.  But I got the definate sense that
there was something really wrong, and that by leaving, she made the right
choice.  Its hard for others to decide.
Your husband, while not ideal, is not so bad, unless you are leaving out
certain details.  That's what makes your situation the ever more difficult.
Your future is uncertain.  Who, knows, but he might be the best you can hope
for.  Or maybe you can do better.  There is no crystal ball which will tell
you your future choices or options.
I am a pessimist.  I can see the worst of a situation.  I have lived through
tough times too.  But because I see the worst in a situation, I can also see
how things can get much worse than they already are as well.
The other night, I watch the History Channel's coverage of "The Kennedys".
The most tragic part was the scene where their oldest daughter was
lobomized.  Patrick [who built a financial empire out of screwing people
financially] could afford the best and brightest doctors, yet the doctors
told him to go through with the surgery.  Before the surgery, their daughter
was intellectually a barely functional 14 year old who was 21 years old.
Afterwards, she had the IQ of a 4 year old.  The really appauling part was
that none of the experts pointed out that she had a lot more to lose than to
gain.  The professionals probably thought that if I make a diagnosis and
recommend against the procedure, I get paid a nice sum, but if I recommend
the lobotomy, I get paided outlandishly if it goes well (and only well if it
goes bad).  The thing that they did not discuss is the probabilty of
success.  I don't know the statistics of the situation [and doubt that
anyone else does], but I have never heard of one circumstance where a
lobotomy yielded someone better off.  However, no one thought to ask that
question.
These people had money.  Usually, most of our choices in life are limited by
how much we can spend and buy ourselves the best that money can buy.
What do you think your future will be like?  Do you have any friends who
were in your circumstance who decided to get a divorce.  How is her life
now?  What did she gain and what did she lose?  Are there things she wishes
she valued more afterwards.  Is her new life free from severe problems?
I would tell you to see a therapist, but feel that some of them are not any
better off in helping marginal people.  I think a marginal person is someone
who has problems but also is not at the end of the rope.  A therapist is
good at identifying problems for people who do not have the tools and
capabilities to see the problems themselves, say someone who has a bipolar
disorder or alcohol problem who refuses to acknowledge it.  Unfortunately, I
have not seen evidence that therapists are any better off helping productive
people with normal everyday issues.  I wish more therapists would believe in
"Doing no harm."  That means acknowleging that they don't have the capacity
to help you.  Unfortunately, most of them want to keep you in therapy for
the rest of your life.  There will always be issues to be discussed,
problems to face, and secrets to reveal.
Not only that, but you might not like the advice or unable to comply because
your therapist is from a different set of religious beliefs than you are.
This should not be a factor, but it often is.