Family Forum / Marriage / Marriage / December 2006

Getting married will NOT solve your problem.

There is no one way that you can behave that will solve anything.  It will
take both of you working together.

Answer:  don't.  It is kind of a cliche, but there is a lot of truth in
it.  If you don't know whether to get married or not, don't.

Problems that exist before marriage will get worse after marriage;
it's guaranteed.  And love is not a guarantee of compatibility.

If you truly want a shot at working it out, it would probably be a
good idea to try couples counseling before you seriously consider
getting married.

Well, I wouldn't get married just now if I was you!

I think you might be posting from India and I wonder just what sort of
relationship counselling services you have available to you? Because it
sounds like the two of you need to learn how to manage disagreements and you
probably need some help on picking the battles that are worth fighting over,
as well. Do you have any wise and trusted family members in good marriages
who might be able to give you the benefit of their experience?

There are a few books that it might help you both to read that I'll list for
you. The second book will probably be hard to get but the author has a very
useful  internet site which I recommend you browse first.

www.marriagebuilders.com

o  The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work
   author: John Gottman
   comment: "it teaches you how to manage conflict (inevitable) in your
relationship so that it doesn't tear you apart"

o  Fall In Love, Stay In Love
   author: Willard Harley Jr
   comment: "a nuts and bolts 'how to be a good spouse' book"

o  The Five Love Languages:  How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your
Mate
  author: Gary Chapman
   comment: "a look at the different ways we like to express and receive
love and how to apply that knowledge within a marriage"

Tai

Here's a list of questions both you and your SO should answer as
complete as possible, in writing, thought out over seven days or so;
and, do NOT do them in the company of the SO.   The first addresses you,
the following, addresses what you know about your SO.

Trust when I say, if these questions are answered thoroughly and
truthfully, both of you will have a real picture of what you have in
common to build a solid foundation.

What are your moral beliefs, if any?
From your perception what are your SO's moral beliefs?

What do you highly value?  (ie: family, long term friendships, children,
alone time, etc.)
From your perception what are your SO's?

Do the two of you have similar interests in sex, including frequency and
over time?
From your perception what are your SO's?

In what manner do you want to live your life? ie. casual, organized,
planned excessively, off the wall, etc.
From your perception how would your SO answer?

Do you want children, and "how" do you want to parent them?
From your perception how would your SO answer?

Do you both agree on how to manage money?
From your perception how would your SO answer?

Do the two of you enjoy similar interests? ie: home entertaining,
sports, etc.
From your perception how would your SO answer?

Do your differences help one another; somewhat why opposites attract and
stay together.
From your perception how would your SO answer?

Do you have the resourcefulness needed to find acceptable solutions to
the differences you encounter?
From your perception how would your SO answer?

Determine which of the above are the same and different; because in my
estimation, all these contribute to a solid foundation for marriage.

The both of you have to know what your deal breaker issues are before
marriage and to extent you'll go to keep your marriage healthy.
Otherwise, you'll be in divorce court before you know it.  Furthermore,
the longer these answers are put off, the more you'll accumulate divorce
certificates.

I got married for the first and last time @48yrs old.  Waiting helped me
to find value in every question above.  

I think Tina Turner said it best. "Sometimes, Love ain't enough."  In
fact, most people (including myself and my wife) love each other even
when they decide to divorce. Have a successful marriage needs love, but
it also needs a lot more. It's been said a hundred times. You're not
going to change anyone.  I learned that the hard way.

--Brian