Family Forum / Marriage / Marriage / December 2006

Ooh..  pregnancy changes a woman so much!  For me,
certain smells repulsed me:  Juice Squeeze, hamburger,
my husband... It makes no sense; one would think
evolution would have set it up that a pregnant
woman would *never* be repulsed by her partner!

It got better after the first trimester.

-- Anita --

I'd concentrate on the lack of affectionate contact right now and be patient
about the lack of sex, if I was you. We don't have any way of knowing how
uncomfortable your wife is and some women do just feel repelled by the idea
of sex during pregnancy. Is she frightened to hug or kiss you... or even to
hold your hand because she doesn't want you to think it means she'll welcome
more intimate contact? Is she feeling ambivalent about her pregnancy, in the
first place?

Can you gently and without resentment tell her you'll wait until she feels
better about sex because you love her and it wouldn't be good for you either
if she can't enjoy it but you do feel very lonely that she doesn't want to
even hug you right now? I suspect you both need reassurance from the other
right now, but different kinds of it.

Tai

Well, since you now have free time and free hands, you might
want to read a book such as

"The Expectant Father: Facts, Tips and Advice for Dads-to-Be"
http://www.amazon.com/Expectant-Father-Advice-Dads-Be/dp/0789205386/sr=8-5/qid=1
167198466/ref=pd_bbs_5/104-2613730-5438316?ie=UTF8&s=books

Seriously!

Pregnancy and babies can be quite disruptive to marriages, and it
is usually because the father-to-be is not prepared for the changes.

Some of the issues you'll face in your relationship:

1. Feelings of abandonment - your wife is distracted with the
pregnancy.  If she is feeling nauseous, achy, moody, or in any
way bad, be prepared to get blamed.

2. Competition with baby (for the mother's attention) - men often
equate their wives with a mother figure (their mothers!).  Prior
to pregnancy/birth, they aren't used to sharing or competing for
the mother's attention.

3. Helplessness - If you don't know what to do, or you do the
wrong things, you can lose your wife, the baby and your marriage.
And you get to pay child support.

4. Escape - If you ain't getting no satisfaction at home, you
may think of finding it elsewhere!  BIG, BIG MISTAKE!!!!

What you CAN DO:

1. Take care of your "needs" yourself.  You did it as a
teenager, you still remember how.  Just because you got
married don't mean you can forget now.

2. Be a "father" to both your wife and your baby.  Provide
her with the support that she needs now, and get used to
nurturing others, providing for their needs, their safety,
their comfort, and their future.  Think about their needs
before your own (which you already know how to take care
of).  Hopefully, when you were a child, you had a good role
model to show you how to do this.  If not, find one!

3. Off-load burdens, chore and responsibilities from your
wife.  Clean house, wash dishes, cook dinner - if you are
able.

4. Show interest in the Baby.  Attend birthing and parenting
classes with your wife (Don't be flirting with the other
ladies!  Very bad form.)  Take your wife shopping for baby-
things - a crib, infant toys, diapers, bottles, car seats,
rockers, and the carry everything diaper bag.  (Try to add
some humor to the process.  If it is fun for you, it might
help her feel better about the entire pregnancy thing.)

5. Find a fathers-to-be support group.  You all can sit
around the room telling raunchy jokes and laughing about
how ain't nobody getting none for another year, but they
long term rewards should be more than worth the momentary
sacrifice.

6. Get some time away for yourself.  Go for a walk.
Remember who you are, how you got here, and where you want
to go.  Think of the distant future.  The day your first
child graduates college, you'll be able to look yourself
in the mirror, and quietly proclaim "Today . . . I AM a Man!"

Until then, there is a lot of work that needs to be done. ;-)

Good luck,
Larry G.
LAMPS
www.loveandmarriageseminars.com

draconis,you already know the answer to your question but your hopping
your wrong,maybe you are ,but probably not.its not fair for her to make
you worried about your relationship to where you have to come here and
ask questions,she is not being straight with you. and you dont need any
books on how to be a dad ,that comes natural.shes the one who needs to
sit down and read how to be a better wife

Good evening, Draconis!

You are facing a dilemma that many, MANY young fathers do, yet are
ashamed to speak about it to others for fear of retribution or casting
a pall on you or your wifes reputations, especially being newly
married.

Pregnancy brings a whole host of issues forward that neither of you
have had to confront before.  She is battling a virtual armegeddon of
hormonal and physical changes that are duty bound to affect her
emotions, as well.  She may even be fearful of sexual contact, because
she feels the babe might be injured in the process.  In addition to
wanting to vomit at the sight or smell of certain foods or other types
of odor sources, well, she's a mess for the first few months of this
odessey you two have ventured off on.  For you, I am proud of the fact
that you are sensible, devoted and concerned for her well-being and
also, for caring enough to seek answers to this problem for yourself,
but for your lovely bride as well.  My best advice to you is to
encourage you to go slowly, try to be patient and remember that your
relationship consists of 90% emotion and 10% physical, if we can
presume you to be a "normally sexually active" young couple, so it may
require that you underscore the emotional connection and diminish the
need for the physical connection for awhile.  COMMUNICATION is now and
will always be your very best tool for understanding each others fears,
needs and desires.  It is my sincerest wish that you speak to her after
the lights have gone out and you are laying together in bed, whereupon
you can quietly appeal your concerns to her with as little
confrontation as possible.  It is very possible that she is ashamed or
feeling resentful that you have asked for sex at this stage OR it could
be that it is simply her hormones in overdrive and she simply will not
be able to explain her actions and attitudes.  That doesn't make it
right, but you two love one another and can learn to trust each other
in SPITE of the problems.

Having 'been there, done that', I can tell you that the solution to
your problem will come most likely as the problem is disappearing.
Pregnancy brings with it a while host of changes that you will watch
her go through and to which you will be required to respond correctly
to.  Again, TRY TO talk, talk and talk some more and I think that you
will find the answers you seek together with time and patience.  That
rule will not change for the rest of your married lives, so begin
today, hon.  Just never stop trying!!

Best of luck and congratulations on this very exciting and rewarding
chapter of your lives together ...

Tab ;)

A year of marriage isn't nearly enough to really know how your SO's
behaves under situations as demanding as pregnancy.  Its surly not easy,
and its only the beginning.  

Its time to man up ---  If you're man enough to father a child, you're
man enough to step up and provide some patience, understanding and
leadership.  You're about to be a dad, quite thinking with your little
head... <grr>

You're body isn't contorting to accommodate another person.  She's taken
on the process without knowing what's going to happen to her in the next
minute.  Imagine how she's changing and how those changes are affecting
her own sense of self, let alone the wife in her.  

SD:)

Good luck. My daughter is 3.5 years old. The last time I was intimate
with my wife was 3 years ago. I vehemently complained about this on
several occasions and was told to look elsewhere, so I do. It is a
terrible thing to be rejected by your own wife; really screws up your
mind. I love my wife and daughter; unfortunately she is no longer
interested in sex. I think we are only together because of our
daughter. Maybe its because she is now 42 years old. I dunno, but I
hope for better things for you. I am miserable. I beleive that if I do
find a woman who consistently puts out for me my marriage will end
quickly. Let her read this.

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Have you considered getting a boyfriend? He could help you ease through
your lonelyness.The plus side is he won't get pregnant.
When your out of Town
Go for the Brown Round..............