separated for almost 2 yrs and my wife is pregnant

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jim - 28 Dec 2006 04:05 GMT

i married my wife in 99 because she was pregnant. it was a surprise
because i thought she was taking birth control pills. after six yrs of
struggling to stay together she asked me to leave. two months later
,maybe sooner ,she was dating someone. she expected me to try to win
her back even though she had a boyfriend. last summer she went on
vacation w/ my 2 sons for 5 weeks. upon her return she asked for a
decision if i wanted to reconcile or divorce. i informed her that i
didnt think i would ever make her happy so we should divorce. well
being the dumbass i am 2 days later i changed my mind. i love my sons
more than anything and would walk through hell for them. my wife and
had been having sex for a couple of months and she got pregnant even
though she has an iud. we are still living separately and once again i
realize know matter how hard i try, it will never be enough. im
miserable when im trying to be someone im not. my sons are 7 and 10 and
they love me just the way i am. when i picked them up today from there
moms house, they informed me they would be getting a baby sister. iuds
are supposedly 99.99% effective. i feel like i really f.cked up when i
changed my mind when i knew in my heart i should have walked away.

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jasmine53 - 28 Dec 2006 04:19 GMT

> i married my wife in 99 because she was pregnant. it was a surprise
> because i thought she was taking birth control pills. after six yrs of
[quoted text clipped - 14 lines]
> are supposedly 99.99% effective. i feel like i really f.cked up when i
> changed my mind when i knew in my heart i should have walked away.

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jasmine53 - 28 Dec 2006 04:19 GMT

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Larry G. - 28 Dec 2006 06:53 GMT

Question: Is this an FYI, or did you ask a question, that I can
seem to find, and must have missed?

Request: In future post, please add some white space in the form
of blank lines between paragraphs. That makes what you wrote so
much easier to read. And blocks of grey-text are anything but
readable.

Comment: It sounds like your wife has played you for a fool.
You sound sad, lonely, confused, and very much abused. You
have my sympathy, not that it will do you any good, and its
only there for a while.

Suggestion: Get professional help (a counselor, psychologist,
licensed social worker, or psycho-therapist, not a psychiatrist)
in getting your life together, with or without your wife.

If all you are going to do here is whine (didn't ask a question),
pretend that you are helpless and at the mercy of others, without
putting forth any real effort to improve your life, then you are
wasting both our time and yours.

Best regards,
Larry G.
LAMPS
www.loveandmarriageseminars.com

Signature

Your mind is a terrible thing to waste - TURN OFF YOUR TV!

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baycenter@gmail.com - 28 Dec 2006 07:11 GMT

I don't really know how to answer, but give my best... I think... If
you are to be happy with your wife, you will need to learn to be
yourself with your wife. And I guess that means learn to be happy even
when she is unhappy with you. If you can work things out and meet
somewhere in the middle, I think that's a positive thing... Since you
have kids you do have to put their happiness first, but ultimately your
kids will benefit from both parents being happy whether you are
together or not. Since you married her, and now have recommitted to
her, you should give it some time and to your best to figure out if you
can be yourself with her and not worry if she is happy with you or not.
Let her decide if she is happy with you. If you do your best for
everyone in your family (including yourself) you can be proud. You can
be proud you are trying hard to do the best for the your kids too.
Keep your head up. Best wishes to you jim.

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S.D. - 29 Dec 2006 00:37 GMT

> i married my wife in 99 because she was pregnant. it was a surprise
> because i thought she was taking birth control pills.

I have to give you a pat on the back, but wonder - You thought...you
didn't know for sure? Now, that's stupid

> after six yrs of struggling to stay together she asked me to leave. two months later
> ,maybe sooner ,she was dating someone.

this surprises you, why?

>she expected me to try to win
> her back even though she had a boyfriend. last summer she went on
> vacation w/ my 2 sons for 5 weeks. upon her return she asked for a
> decision if i wanted to reconcile or divorce. i informed her that i
> didnt think i would ever make her happy so we should divorce. well
> being the dumbass i am 2 days later i changed my mind.

Sounds like HS to me... I think dumbass fits... and then some because
you follow with line:

>i love my sons more than anything and would walk through hell for them.

I am a step-father and wouldn't think twice about walking through fire
for him... For that matter I'd do the same for all my loved ones, even
friends.

You would walk through hell, which is commendable, but a rather extreme
statement, for someone that a few days earlier, didn't "immediately"
know how far he'd go for his children. Now that we know; I thought the
real question was about reconciliation or "D" with your wife? Might you
be equating walking though fire for your boys to staying married to your
wife?

>my wife and
> had been having sex for a couple of months and she got pregnant even
> though she has an iud. we are still living separately and once again i
> realize know matter how hard i try, it will never be enough.

Correct me if wrong, you're still having sex with a woman that you can't
make up your mind about staying married to. All to get your rocks
off??? The same one that got pregnant long time ago when she was
"suppose to" be using birth control, right?

>when i picked them up today from there
> moms house, they informed me they would be getting a baby sister. iuds
> are supposedly 99.99% effective.

Then I read above...<g> Again with the surprise - why?

>i feel like i really f.cked up

In a word ... yep!

>when i changed my mind when i knew in my heart i should have walked away.

IMO - your first concern is what's best for the boys... Being a father
is the greatest challenge any man can be granted. Quit Vaselining
yourself and those around you... Man up - make good decisions and stick
with the result, regardless.

Remember, those boys are learning from you - both good and bad
behaviors; more importantly though, they will either learn how to be an
emotionally healthy man or one that can't make up mind for the wrong
reasons.

Signature

SD:)

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Emma Anne - 29 Dec 2006 18:20 GMT

> iuds
> are supposedly 99.99% effective.

As a victim of birth control failure myself, I wouldn't *assume* that
your W is lying to you. IUDs are not 99.99% effective for starters
(more like 97% IIRC), and someone has to be in the failure group

Now, to your main issue. Do you want to fix your marriage? If so, you
need to figure out how to be happy with each other. Try
marriagebuilders.com for starters. Check out the FAQ here, and the list
of recommended books.

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S.D. - 29 Dec 2006 20:29 GMT

> As a victim of birth control failure myself, I wouldn't *assume* that
> your W is lying to you. IUDs are not 99.99% effective for starters
> (more like 97% IIRC), and someone has to be in the failure group

True, but it sounds as though she's in that group twice. If so, falling
out of the effective percentage rate "twice" speaks to irresponsibility
one or both times.

Signature

SD:)

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Bill in Co. - 29 Dec 2006 22:21 GMT

>> As a victim of birth control failure myself, I wouldn't *assume* that
>> your W is lying to you. IUDs are not 99.99% effective for starters
[quoted text clipped - 5 lines]
> --
> SD:)

"irresponsibility"???? I knows I's a seen that term somewhere before.
But what does it mean today? Please, ...

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S.D. - 30 Dec 2006 01:39 GMT

> But what does it mean today?

Nothings changed for many of us.

I am in my 50's, and keep learning; but will NOT give way to the
lackadaisical attitudes that prevail with some folks today.

Signature

SD:)

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Bill in Co. - 30 Dec 2006 01:44 GMT

>> "irresponsibility"???? But what does that mean, today?
>
[quoted text clipped - 4 lines]
> --
> SD:)

Absolutely. Say it again, brother! :-)

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mm - 30 Dec 2006 22:51 GMT

You sound like me. I left 2 - 1/2 yrs ago. The x has the kids & I get
weekends. I would do just about anything for the kids. I ask myself -
would I live w/ my x again for there sake? I don't know. I do know 1
thing, I got my nuts snipped last yr - best thing I ever did! I cring
when I see little kids. Your in a bad way..............

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Family Forum / Marriage / Marriage / December 2006

separated for almost 2 yrs and my wife is pregnant