Family Forum / Marriage / Marriage / December 2006

I am uncertain whether I am happy in my marriage.  We were first (and
only) loves who dated for 7 years (since high school) and have been
married for 3 years.  My wife and I are very passive people and hardly
ever argue.  We don't have children.  We are both in our mid-to-late 20's.

I know I should have reconciled this before getting married, but I keep
getting this feeling that we were an "Okay" match, but not the "Right"
match.  When I decided to marry her, I rationalized that since we've been
together for around 7 years, things were "Okay", and neither of us were
interested in pursuing other relationships, that there's no good reason
why we shouldn't make it official.  It was very logical and happened
within two months after deciding. I'm scared that since I didn't really
get the feeling that "She is the one for me; she completes me" (I hesitate
to use the term "soul mate" since it rings of Hollywood fantasy), that it
isn't meant to be and that there may be a happier life with someone that I
really "click" with.

I feel that I don't appreciate, respect, or admire her as appropriate for
a good marriage. Instead I feel like I may have settled for the first
person that I had a relationship with.  This feeling is not recent. Every
time I acknowledged this feeling in the past, I would suppress it because
she is a good, sweet, kind person who never did anything wrong... and
because we never argue so it couldn't be "Bad".

Now that I'm approaching the age to start thinking about children, I am
frightened out of my mind that perhaps we really don't "click" at an
emotional and intimate level, aren't "meant to be", and things will
eventually fizzle out between us anyway.  I want my children to experience
what I never had - a happy, nuclear family.  I also want my children to
grow up in a family where their mother, as well as their father, have
achieved much success in their lives.  Recently I've felt like I'm not
getting any younger and if I'm not happy and need to make corrections in
my life, I need to do it soon.  I want take responsibility of my life; if
I've made a mistake by marrying too young (not necessarily by age, but
perhaps by relationship experience), I want to reconcile it quickly.  I've
read that successful people become successful because they know when to
cut their losses and they aren't afraid of making a decision.

So I asked myself what it means to be in a happy marriage, and if I would
consider myself in one.  While trying to work this out on my own, I
realized that I know of no other "happy" 10-year-old relationships by
which I can measure my own.  I have no idea what a happy, ten-year-old,
child-free relationship is supposed feel like.  I don't know if it is
normal to feel afraid to acknowledge the lack of physical appeal I have
for her, or keep ignoring it out of "respect".  I don't know if it's
normal to feel a lack of affection and intimacy - to the point where any
attempt made by her to repair it is received by me with contempt.  I don't
know if it's normal to have doubts that your spouse is the ideal parent of
your future children (though I have not doubts that she would be a very
good mother).

I am confused.  Can someone please tell me what it *should* feel like to
be in a happy, 10-year-old relationship?  Are my feelings normal or are
they far deviated from it?  If it is far off from normal, at what point
should someone chalk it up to a classic example of getting married too
young/inexperienced and move on?

I understand that this post sounds very harsh.  Please understand that I
am expressing raw emotions and unresolved confusion, not my general nature
or personality. Constructive feedback is always welcome; personal attacks
will be disregarded.

Thanks in advance.