Family Forum / Marriage / Marriage / December 2006

However bad somone is driving it usally makes it worse to starrt an
argumant about it in the car. Then you got bad driving AND
distracction.

onley posssibly efective ways to say somthing like Your a real good
driver but this wether is making me frazled and if you wouldnt mind
coud you drive a bit slower im geting a bit carsick.

Oterwise just keep quite. its safer.

I realize that this is limited information, and only one side
of the story, but you did act properly in some parts, but
leave other issues in question.

1. "She decided to drive"!  I'm guessing its your car, you
make the effort to do her a favor.  Why does SHE get to
"decide" who drives?

2.  Has she previously shown disregard for safety?

3. If you are separated, why?  Was the argument a continuation
of your problems in the relationship?  Are you being used?

4. If she frequently act without regard to the safety
of the child, why is your son in her custody?  Are you
even less able or willing to take care of the child?

The standard answer here is to "go into couples counseling".
That sounds like good advice in this case.  I'm guessing
that there is more to your story/situation that you have
written here.

Best regards,
Larry G.
LAMPS
www.loveandmarriageseminars.com

You already answered your own questions, though.  You're very likely
right that there was no need to go so fast, and it probably wasn't
inappropriate to say something to begin with (personally, I always try
to phrase comments like that as about ME, not about the driver, like,
ok, I'm being silly, but I can't see well in this rain, so could you
humor me a little and slow down?).  But after that, it would have
better to have shut up.  Never fight with the driver, even if you're
right, and it's almost always stupid to dramatically get out of the
car and stomp off... especially in the rain.

Unfortunately, you can be totally right and still be wrong.

Yea. I drive. End of discussion.

Seriously, I detest being a passenger. No matter who it is behind the wheel.
I've been like this all my life - even as a kid.

I want to be the one who drives. Maybe it's a control thing - I dunno. But I
want to be behind the wheel at all times. Fortunately, my wife is all too
happy to let me do the driving.

A great skill is learning how to zip your lip. I'm not saying you don't
get to say your peace up front (i.e. say something diplomatic about the
roads/weather/appropriate rate of speed...in our house that usually
works best in the form of a little joke so it doesn't sting so much..).
And then, you shut up, and don't feed the fire.

It takes two to get that escalation going - and you don't have to play!

M.

Well, I do have to say that fighting in the car seemed par for the
course, for me, growing up.  My parents still do it - or try to.
Viciously, sometimes.  My dad is not a safe driver, from my mom's point
of view (yet he's not had any accidents).  She's a fraidy cat, he says.
He says she was "born afraid of everything."

But, for me, one of the biggest breakthroughs in any relationship came
the day I realized I was willing to be criticized about my driving.  I
don't know why I changed.  I do more than half of the driving, in the
relationship I'm in - by choice and so forth.  I used to intensely
dislike any criticism and get really pouty about it.  Then, one day,
while driving through Utah, it occurred to me that this was one of the
most stupid stances I could possibly take about anything.  If one wants
to be safe in a car, why not have two people on the lookout for
possible problems or hazards?  If either person needs to slow down, in
order to feel safe, then slower it should be.

And above all, I realized, no passenger should EVER feel uncomfortable
or endangered.  If I felt I was with a fraidy cat, though, I'd have a
hard time driving them anywhere.  Fortunately, the people I drive with
are normal people (I think my mom is too, btw), and so, I decided in an
instant flash of almost religious proportions that I would give up this
stupid attitude I had about being criticized while driving.  I think
something happened on the road that scared both of us (not anyone's
fault) but it made me really ponder the whole issue.

So, I proposed that each of us be entirely okay with the other person
criticizing driving - even if we remained sensitive about every other
form of criticism in the world.  It struck us both as funny, actually.
We agreed that we would behave in a civil manner about driving
criticism and attempt to really take the other person's perspective on
driving as very important.

Now, we ask each other, "Is my driving okay?  Please tell me if it's
not."  So, if we're flying down over some mountain road that has six
thousand foot drop-offs (even if it's a ten lane interstate), if one of
us feels a little queasy about speed, we go slower.  Sometimes, he asks
me to go a bit faster (and I do the same with him - you have to adapt
to traffic, you know).  The fast lane is what it is - the best thing to
do is to go at exactly the same rate as everyone who is driving safely
and with good distances between cars).

Interestingly, once we made this agreement we found it remarkably easy
to keep and the admiration we got from friends for having this novel
ability, as a couple, also made us smile.  It turned out to shade into
other similar areas of life, such as leaving the stove on or plugging
too many things into an outlet (my bad, not him) or parking nicely
within parking lines (him bad).

It was a better "intervention" than any marital therapy I've ever gone
to or been part of, this simple agreement to drive in a manner that
passengers accept.  We taught our daughters to do the same, and they
do.  There are complaints, sometimes, about the "fraidy cats" but the
driver has to give in, because no one should have to have their heart
in their throats to go somewhere in car - what's the point of a trip if
that's the case?

At any rate, for us, this was an area of some of the worst potential
conflicts imaginable, and I know it is for my parents and many others,
as well.  Somehow, driving often brings out the worst in a person.
That and discussing politics or religion.

A.

A little personal history -- Cronically late people often become hurried
drivers, causing a real problem for me, and most others on the road.
One of my hobby's is high speed (to 170mph) track driving; on top of
defensive driving skill training, both contribute to my general history
"when a passenger" of questioning the driver ("any") with "we just got a
blow out" or "brakes are out", "what are you going to do?" quick,
quick...  It's the quick quick that causes more frustration heaped on
the hurried feelings, leading them to usually over reaction at some
level.  I've had some pull over to the side of the road after realizing
their mental state, and a few apologize.

Now, issue at hand; sounds like you were reacting to her being late but
didn't make your concerns known until she was behind the wheel barreling
down the road feeling hurried, without considering conditions or her
passengers.

In essence - you were wrong for picking that time to enhance her
frustration, then getting out of the car like a high school kid stomping
his feet.  She was wrong for not planning better given the weather
conditions and shouldn't have been speeding with family in the car or
helping to escalate an argument with 2-3 tons of steel in her charge.
Intuition tells me she's not experienced enough to handle any car out of
control, at any speed, let alone out of control under those conditions.
Both behaved poorly, both should apologize - kiss and make up.

I'm not going to criticise anyone for asking to be set down if he thinks the
driver is driving unsafely and won't respond to a polite request to slow
down. I don't think you should have got out at traffic lights, though! That
was dangerous. Plus... if you were so worried what were you doing abandoning
your son to hot foot Harriet's risky driving? It seems to me getting out was
in response to the argument rather than in fear of your life.

Next time, and I imagine there will be a next time ;) , be quietly firm
about your wife stopping the car if she won't slow down at your request. I
think it would be a good idea for you to discuss this issue when you aren't
driving because a driver who doesn't listen to her passenger's concerns is a
bad driver - too bad if she doesn't like you pointing that out to you, no
one's pride is worth more than other people's safety.

Tai

Not clever?

Best idea that I've heard all day!

Getting out of the car, leaving your wife and child inside probably
gave your wife strong cause to slow down and reflect on her
recklessness.

At least that is how I would have responded if my wife did such a thing
to me.

Cordially,

Raving