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Family Forum / Marriage / Marriage / January 2007I can't have anything to myself
Ok, now I can not have anything to myself. It is like anything that is mine, he has to be part of or know all about it. I can't stand it. I started going to church with my sister and guess who wants to go. He has never said anything in his life about going to church. I had a myspace acct. and guess who made themselves an acct. First thing he did was request me to his page so he could be on mine. Yea, not like I could say no. We all know what would of happened. So, I let him on and now he is mad because I had friends from highshcool on it. Not all my friends were girls. Then he starts adding random girls to his to make me mad. Like a give a sh.t. I know he is just playn a game and I don't care. I said screw it and deleted my acct. and he still has his. He still has girls on their and even new ones. I think it is the most stupid thing ever, because the whole thing reminds me of grade school kids. We are adults and I am his wife. Not some little girl that needs to be checked up on. Then I find him looking threw my phone at my numbers. My purse is another one he likes to go threw and my mail. If it has my name on it, it is mine. The only mail I will open of his is a bill that has his name on it because I make sure all the bills are paid. Oh, I also have this box with pic in it from way back. Some were friends from school and some were very special to me. I would of showed him the box but instead he goes threw it and finds pic of a old high shcool b.f. when i lived in california and throws them on the floor. He tore some of them up as well. I know I am a very nosy person. I will ask him whos on the phone or if he is leaving i'll ask him where he is going. I just ask him normal stuff. I never snoop threw his phone or his wallet. He also has a work van, so he is out on jobs alot. I never go in and snoop in his van. Plus, he has so much free time. He works around the city so I have no clue what he is really doing or where he is going. I don't set and question him. If I talk to him during the day I might ask him where he is working or what time he thinks he might me home. I am sure if he knew I was in this group, he would be on here all the time looking at what I am saying. I just can't have anything to myself anymore. > Ok, now I can not have anything to myself. It is like anything that is > mine, he has to be part of or know all about it. I can't stand it. I > started going to church with my sister and guess who wants to go. He > has never said anything in his life about going to church. I had a > myspace acct. and guess who made themselves an acct. First thing he did > was request me to his page so he could be on mine. I got this far, scrolled down and saw it was one big huge block of text with no paragraph breaks..sorry.... What I did manage to read had me wondering how old you are.. these complaints sound like they're coming from a 12 y/o girl about her teenaged brother. Why wouldn't you want your husband to go to Church with you? This, to me, is unfathomable. Okay.. well, perhaps if you'd like to repost this in a some way that more people can read you might get a better response. >> Ok, now I can not have anything to myself. It is like anything that is >> mine, he has to be part of or know all about it. I can't stand it. I [quoted text clipped - 8 lines] > from > a 12 y/o girl about her teenaged brother. While I agree that formatting a post for readability is very desirable, I doubt that people with important emotional / relationship issues on their minds are really going to put much effort in that direction, at least not on a first post. But what did you really hope to gain by insulting the OP? Do you feel superior to others when you point out weaknesses in their grammer and composition skills? What do you gain by such hostility toward people trying to get or give help in this forum? > Why wouldn't you want your husband to go to Church with you? This, to > me, > is unfathomable. Is it possible that different people need different degrees of closeness and personal space in their marriages? From what I have read, it is somewhat common for those who need a great deal of closeness and reassurance, to pair up with their opposites, mates who need space, distance and independence. Judging by the hint the OP placed in the subject line, that is exactly what is going on with her and her husband. > Okay.. well, perhaps if you'd like to repost this in a some way that more > people can read you might get a better response. Yes, indeed! Cheers, Larry G.  SignatureYour mind is a terrible thing to waste - TURN OFF YOUR TV! >>> Ok, now I can not have anything to myself. It is like anything that is >>> mine, he has to be part of or know all about it. I can't stand it. I [quoted text clipped - 13 lines] > issues on their minds are really going to put much effort in that > direction, at least not on a first post. Then they will be limited in their response. Some of us are simply unable to read large blocks of text... > But what did you really hope to gain by insulting the OP? I simply asked how old she was. Her complaints sounded like something my two kids would've made a few years ago. If the truth hurts, I can't help that. Perhaps a swift kick in the pants is just what the doctor ordered, huh? (since when is the expectation that all anyone is gonna get is a "pat, pat.. poor baby" around here? > Do you feel superior to others when you point out weaknesses > in their grammer and composition skills? I did not point out any grammar mistakes in her post (though it isn't spelled grammer, now is it?!) > What do you gain by such hostility toward people trying to > get or give help in this forum? Oh you know what Larry, you really need to get laid or something.. you are wound WAY too tight! > Why wouldn't you want your husband to go to Church with you? This, to > me, is unfathomable. Is it possible that different people need different degrees of closeness and personal space in their marriages? From what I have read, it is somewhat common for those who need a great deal of closeness and reassurance, to pair up with their opposites, mates who need space, distance and independence. Judging by the hint the OP placed in the subject line, that is exactly what is going on with her and her husband. Her subject line, and the paragraph I did bother to get through made it sound like she'd be better off single. The "nerve" of him to want to share Church with his wife! > Is it possible that different people need different degrees > of closeness and personal space in their marriages? [quoted text clipped - 10 lines] > it sound like she'd be better off single. The "nerve" of him to want > to share Church with his wife! this didn't quote properly.. I'm sure anyone reading this far will know that Larry said the first four paragraphs.. I responded only with the last one here. (clarifying) >Her subject line, and the paragraph I did bother to get through made it >sound like she'd be better off single. The "nerve" of him to want to share >Church with his wife! I'm totally with you on the formatting, but she did post before, and this part of it seems to be only the icing on the cake; it's more about his temper and desire to keep her away from friends and other support while insisting on being the focus of attention, all the time. I suspect that the church thing is about wanting to get some kind of space, and feeling like this thing was "hers", some kind of peace, and so him wanting to come along was not really a good thing, especially if it's motivated by his just needing to be in on what's going on all the time. > I'm totally with you on the formatting, but she did post before, I just looked and I don't see the previous post/thread on my server. Maybe it didn't make it through. > this part of it seems to be only the icing on the cake; The could be... as a stand alone post, as seen on my newsreader, it sure sounded like the two of them were two siblings in the back of the car, bickering because one won't stop looking at the other or some such. If there is violence towards her and he's trying to control her, she should get out, while she can. >> I'm totally with you on the formatting, but she did post before, > [quoted text clipped - 11 lines] > should > get out, while she can. You and Nina bring up very good points about him either wanting to be the center of his wife's attention, and possibly using his presence to control her, by separating her from her friends. Unless there is violence (or threat), should divorce really be the first choice of action? What about counseling? Larry G. SignatureYour mind is a terrible thing to waste - TURN OFF YOUR TV! >You and Nina bring up very good points about him either wanting to >be the center of his wife's attention, and possibly using his [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > >What about counseling? Good idea! Maybe she can find an online seminar or something! Lauri in WA >> I'm totally with you on the formatting, but she did post before, > [quoted text clipped - 9 lines] >If there is violence towards her and he's trying to control her, she should >get out, while she can. Not violence but someone who is unbelievably self-centered and childish, bad temper, has to have everything right or he gets furious, doesn't want her to talk to her friends about anything with them. That kind of thing. All in all, someone with a lot of issues. > >> I'm totally with you on the formatting, but she did post before, > > [quoted text clipped - 14 lines] > doesn't want her to talk to her friends about anything with them. > That kind of thing. All in all, someone with a lot of issues. I only saw this thread, but when I read it, I related. I could've written the post during my first marriage (well, maybe with paragraph breaks). Including the part about opening personal mail (my ex did that) and going through her high school momentos (check!). This experience has taught me that it is impossible to have a mature, healthy relationship with someone who is a control freak. Jesse, your DH needs help. Please get counseling for both of you, before he strangles all the love out of your marriage. jen >>> I'm totally with you on the formatting, but she did post before, >> >> I just looked and I don't see the previous post/thread on my server. Maybe >> it didn't make it through. >> [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] >> >> If there is violence towards her and he's trying to control her, she should >> get out, while she can. > > Not violence but someone who is unbelievably self-centered and > childish, bad temper, has to have everything right or he gets furious, > doesn't want her to talk to her friends about anything with them. THAT is childish. Is there no hope these days? This is just downright depressing. > That kind of thing. All in all, someone with a lot of issues. >>>> Ok, now I can not have anything to myself. It is like anything that is >>>> mine, he has to be part of or know all about it. I can't stand it. I [quoted text clipped - 35 lines] > Oh you know what Larry, you really need to get laid or something.. you are > wound WAY too tight! I think y'all need to lighten up. I just can't understand all this "glass is half empty" stuff. > I think y'all need to lighten up. I just can't understand all this > "glass is half empty" stuff. I have a Buddhist chalice - it runneth over with emptiness! Cheers, Larry G. SignatureYour mind is a terrible thing to waste - TURN OFF YOUR TV! On Jan 22, 8:52 pm, "-Calliope-" <calliope123rem...@remove.gmail.com> wrote: > Why wouldn't you want your husband to go to Church with you? This, to me, > is unfathomable. You are taking that part out of context. Suppose your spouse was micromanaging everything you do, and this was part of the package.Would you want that? If church was the only thing, then it would be a different story. > Okay.. well, perhaps if you'd like to repost this in a some way that more > people can read you might get a better response. >> Why wouldn't you want your husband to go to Church with you? This, >> to me, is unfathomable. [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > package.Would you want that? If church was the only thing, then it > would be a different story. Even with everything else, one would think that going to church with your spouse would be healthy for a couple. The other stuff, I dunno.. but if I had a trouble marriaged and I was going to Church, I would think I'd want my spouse to come along, perhaps he'd get something out of it, some enlightenment or something. > I just can't have anything to myself anymore. Privacy is important to all of us, regardless of age or marital classification, so I understand your concern. It's possible your husband has a different orientation regarding privacy and marriage? Many men in their own odd manner, feel that such acts reflect caring. His actions also could reflect an early childhood orientation to codependency behavior, or he simply doesn't understand the value of individual boundary's in marriage; which I might add, can be learned with time. Such actions could also mean he feels as though you're not trustworthy. If that's so, what might you have done to give him reason for distrust? SignatureSD:) > > I just can't have anything to myself anymore. > [quoted text clipped - 9 lines] > trustworthy. If that's so, what might you have done to give him reason > for distrust? Almost anything, S.D., since such men are going to be un-trusting no matter what. In my case, other than go to work, I can't imagine what I did that made my X so mistrustful. Indeed, it wasn't about trust - or caring - it was entirely about control. Now, I agree with you that SOME men do express caring by keeping tabs - and that so far, the OP's two examples (church and myspace) are both venues where many people would at least murmer a few words about the boys from h.s. showing up. If the man really likes spending ALL his free time with this woman - including church - then, of course, he should be willing to account for his own whereabouts, at any time she asks. That's what I'd do to check whether this was "caring" or not. If someone says, "I only want to be with you, I like sitting next to you all the time" or "I need to know where you are because I'm so concerned something will happen to you," that's one thing (although not my cuppa), then the other party can deduce that this means "love" to that person - but can also ask for the same thing. The person can also ask for space, during the same conversation. "I realize you think you're being caring, but to me it feels uncaring" would be the topic sentence there. Then, there'd need to be clarification of why and how much space the other person needed. Many people who express caring by keeping tabs will explode or implode at this point - because it's not really FOR the OTHER person - it's entirely for THEMSELVES that they do it. I think the OP already knows why he's doing it - and it's not merely to show caring. A. > Almost anything, S.D., since such men are going to be un-trusting no > matter what. That's true... But, for all we know, his behavior could just as easily been caused by a number of mis-communications, unexplained actions or emotional traumas of some sort. Nonetheless, her perception is just one half of the real picture. I choose not to assume all men or women behaving poorly means their motivated by undiagnosed mental issues. As you know, in relationships, more times then not, poor actions are eventually associated with poor and or lack of communications, unspoken stereotypical expectations and or individual growing pains; which could come into play since she's 26 and he's in his late 30's. I wouldn't be surprised if age dynamics, security issues and her growth is stirring the emotional pot. >If the man really likes spending ALL his free time with this woman - including church > - then, of course, he should be willing to account for his own whereabouts, at any time she asks. >That's what I'd do to check whether this was "caring" or not. > I think the OP already knows why he's doing it - and it's not merely to > show caring. That has validity, but I am not sure simply "accounting for whereabouts" is behind his actions. Again, you could be right, but I won't assume we have all the pertinent info. I've encountered to many women that thought they knew their "man's" motives, when in really, they assumed based on some childhood male orientation or learned stereotype, and couldn't halve been further from reality. SignatureSD:) Why don't you get a p.o. box for your mail and your own computer? Get a laptop that you can hide from him that has wifi and do your web browsing in some place like Starbucks that has wifi? I know this is hard to do but if you can't get him to give you some space, dump him. It sounds like he is making you feel like you are in jail. If you can't get him to stop , then get rid of him. You can sneak around, but who really wants to live like that? If you can't get rid of him, for whatever reasons, then do what you have to do to have some privacy. If your sister is nearby,leave you laptop at her house. You can set up Windows so that no one else can log onto your screen. Everyone needs their own space. It sounds like he is being a control freak instead of just trying to be close. > Ok, now I can not have anything to myself. It is like anything that is > mine, he has to be part of or know all about it. I can't stand it. I [quoted text clipped - 29 lines] > the time looking at what I am saying. I just can't have anything to > myself anymore. Jessie, Once you are married and have kids, nothing is yours anymore..not even your thoughts apparently. > Jessie, > > Once you are married and have kids, nothing is yours anymore..not even > your thoughts apparently. Marriage is whatever you make it. If you allow it to be like a prison, it will be. You have to set some boundaries. I would never dream of rummaging through my wifes purse like that guy does. I wouldn't want my wife going through all my stuff either. Not respecting the other persons privacy sets up a scene where you feel like you have to hide what you are doing. Did you ever see the movie" Sleeping with the enemy"? There are degrees of that. Sometimes it's the woman who is the controller. In either case, it's intolerable. He's making her miserable. That's why she is bitching about him following her to church. Eventually, he will probably destroy their marriage because he won't give her any space. Everyone has different degrees of what they will tolerate. For instance, my brother shares his email account with his wife. When I email him , sometimes she answers it. I find it pretty annoying. If I wanted to email her, I would. I don't say anything because it's his business. But hell would freeze over before I let my wife do that. It's not that I'm doing anything, it's just that I want some things to myself. I'm sure she feels the same. |
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