Family Forum / Marriage / Marriage / January 2007

You don't ask him questions, per se.  You date him.  You take things
as slowly as you want.  You understand that despite your best
intentions and his, that this might not work out for any number of
reasons.  And if as time goes on he does have trouble trusting you, or
he does seem stuck on his ex, it will come out.  There are not
questions you can ask up front to guarantee a perfect relationship.

Zorra

The really important questions right now are the ones you should
be asking *yourself* first, before worrying about asking someone
else.

1. What do you really want to accomplish with your life?
2. What kind of relationships will help you achieve these
goals?
3. Do you really know what makes YOU the way you are, and
become involved with the people in your life?

When you can answer these, then you may be ready to begin
seriously considering long term relationships.  Until then,
dating is fine, and fun.  But please, do not mislead those
who may be wanting a long term relationship if you are not
ready or willing to pursue it also.

The young man you refer to, may be looking for a long term
mate.  You have yet to complete your schooling.  You've
identified some potential trouble areas.  However, I would
like to add a few you may not have considered, or at least
didn't mention.

- Love is not sufficient to guarantee a good marriage.
- People often enter into relationships to resolve unfinished
business from their past, especially their childhood.
- In the early stages of love, thrill and fantasy dominate
your thoughts and actions.  This can be dangerous, although
you seem to have a level head on your shoulders.
- Do not let passion or sympathy result in an unwanted
pregnancy.  The entire course of your life can change as the
result of a moment's recklessness.

However, once you figure out what you want, and are ready for
a long term relationship, remember that you will have to work
with who/what is available.  It could be that this young man
is a good match for you and that if you let him slip by,
you may spend years wondering what would have happened if . . .

But if you aren't ready, just say so, and make sure that he
hears you.

Best of luck,
Larry G.

On Jan 23, 9:43 pm, kissofl...@gmail.com wrote:

So far it seems like you are mostly worried about what he might be
thinking (comparing you to his ex, or being suspicious of you).  I
think it's usually a waste of time and energy to worry about what
_might_ happen or what someone _might_ think.  If it is something that
really bothers you, go ahead and ask him about it.  You might find out,
for example, that he has been comparing you to his ex and that he
thinks you are way better than his ex.

If you think he might be suspicious of your intentions, then ask him
about it.  If it is something he is concerned about, then you can tell
him what your intentions are.

If you click with him, then my advice is to stop worrying about the
relationship, and put your energy into enjoying it.  Give it time to
grow, and see where it takes you.  In time you will come to know
whether he is a good match for you or not.  You don't need to figure
that out right now.

On Jan 23, 7:43 pm, kissofl...@gmail.com wrote:

Congratulations on being such an incredibly insightful young woman!

There are a bunch of questions you can mull over - both for yourself
and for him.  In fact, it would be interesting to think about what *he*
should be asking *you* right about now - and whether he is asking those
questions.  Guys, IME, sometimes lag in the "relationship question
asking" department.

If he's in love with you, as it seems (reading between the lines) and
you aren't actually smitten by him at this point in time, you may ask
yourself:

1.  Have I been in love before and how would I know if I was "in love"?
If you have never been in love, then you may not know what it feels
like.  Some people seem to be born knowing how it feels, others stumble
into it - and a lot of us just plain don't know.  But, it sounds to my
ear (I have two daughters about your age) that you are NOT in love with
him - yet.

2.  That last time you were in love (if you were) - was that really
love?   Do you want to do it the same way next time?

3.  Note that being the chased-after partner gives a person a certain
amount of power (which then must be used ethically and kindly) - but
it's almost never the case that two people equally pursue each other
with the same amount of zest.  Does it feel good (a little, maybe?) to
feel pursued - by an older guy, no less?

4.  I'm doubting you know what "needy" means at your age (simply not
enough life experience - I find out more and more, as I get older, that
there's always a person more "needy" than the one I thought was pretty
needy, and so on.)  Sounds like he fell for you, pursued you intensely,
realized the consequences of that (we don't always like to be herded
around by an excited boyfriend), and has responded.  That's GOOD
relationship material - you should certainly try to work on this
relationship, if only for practice.  Leaving this relationship now will
NOT get you the practice you're about to get - and even if someone's
heart hurts later (and someone's might), there are a bunch of reasons
to pursue *this* relationship much further - not the least of which is
that you've found a smart, adaptable, courteous, relatively unselfish
young man who is in love with you!

So how come you're not in love with him?  I think your analogy with his
ex-girlfriend (the Golddigger) comes from somewhere - and I don't think
you're a Golddigger, at all.  I think, instead, you might be feeling
that he's giving you Solid Gold Love and you're not giving that back.
That could be very true - and a real adult person (like this boyfriend
is trying to be) can DEAL with that - you can fall in love with him
slowly.  There's tons of movies on this, watch all of them (together -
but not sequentially...that would be too much of a good thing).

Are you really, after all, asking opinions about specific aspects of
your relationship (such as sexuality or finances)?

Do you think there are questions you could ask him that would make you
fall in love with him (if you're not)?

A.