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Family Forum / Marriage / Marriage / January 2007Advice
I guess I need somewhere to tun for advise who doesn't have a biassed opionion. I am a 27 year old female who has been married for 6 years. We have 2 wonderful children. The problem is that my husband seems to think he is my father and tells me what to do. When we have good times, they're really good. But when we have bad times, they're really bad. I have tried counceling, he won't go with me. I've tried to make sure I pick my battles, but then I let the things bothering me build up till I feel like I could explode. He won't take the time to try to hear my side of anything. He has made our relationship into an IOU. If he does something for me, then he expects something back in return. Now , he is proving a point to me by not kissing me goodbye of a morning, because I pulled away from him one time because I thought he would shock me. I came from a broken home, and I have tried so hard so that my children wouldn't have to go through the same thing. I feel that I have changed to try to keep us together. Does anyone have any advice for me? > I guess I need somewhere to tun for advise who doesn't have a biassed > opionion. I am a 27 year old female who has been married for 6 years. [quoted text clipped - 11 lines] > wouldn't have to go through the same thing. I feel that I have changed > to try to keep us together. Does anyone have any advice for me? How old is your third child? Respect is a pillar of marriage, and one that seems to be missing in your marriage. Sadly, you cannot force him to do anything, even for his own good. If he has stopped contributing to the common good of the marriage, then you should start investigating other options. You mentioned your background. What about his? Regards, Larry G.  SignatureYour mind is a terrible thing to waste - TURN OFF YOUR TV! He came from a Christian background. Very relegious parents. I had even suggested even a temperary seperation. I thought then maybe he would know how much he takes me for granted. He told me he wasn't raised that way. > > I guess I need somewhere to tun for advise who doesn't have a biassed > > opionion. I am a 27 year old female who has been married for 6 years. [quoted text clipped - 28 lines] > ----== Posted via Newsfeeds.Com - Unlimited-Unrestricted-Secure Usenet News==----http://www.newsfeeds.comThe #1 Newsgroup Service in the World! 120,000+ Newsgroups > ----= East and West-Coast Server Farms - Total Privacy via Encryption =----- Hide quoted text -- Show quoted text - I really am sorry you are going through this. I wish I could offer you some great advice. Since I have had very similar problems in my marriage. I'm sorry to say that I'm not real sure what to tell you.... Other than to keep trying to communicate with your husband. Tell him how you are feeling. If he won't listen then tell him if he loves you and wants your marriage to work he needs to listen to you. So you two can work to save your marriage. No marriage is perfect. Marriage is something you have to work at every day. If he won't listen and doesn't want to talk then I would put your foot down so to speak and tell him you don't want to live this way. On Jan 24, 5:12 pm, b...@cbcfamily.com wrote: > I guess I need somewhere to tun for advise who doesn't have a biassed > opionion. I am a 27 year old female who has been married for 6 years. [quoted text clipped - 11 lines] > wouldn't have to go through the same thing. I feel that I have changed > to try to keep us together. Does anyone have any advice for me? Yesterday we got into a huge fight, and I told him that if things didn't change, then we'll talk about divorce. Since, he's been very good to me and not talking to me like a dog. Every time this happens, he seems to try for a while, then goes back to his old self. Maybe I'll show him I'm not bluffing. Any ideas? > I really am sorry you are going through this. I wish I could offer you > some great advice. Since I have had very similar problems in my [quoted text clipped - 24 lines] > > wouldn't have to go through the same thing. I feel that I have changed > > to try to keep us together. Does anyone have any advice for me?- Hide quoted text -- Show quoted text - >Yesterday we got into a huge fight, and I told him that if things >didn't change, then we'll talk about divorce. Since, he's been very >good to me and not talking to me like a dog. Every time this happens, >he seems to try for a while, then goes back to his old self. Maybe I'll >show him I'm not bluffing. Any ideas? Yes. You have to do something besides threatening him, because I can tell you exactly what's going to happen... the same thing that's happened every other time. Nothing real is changing his behavior, and he probably has no intrinsic desire for change, and there's a pretty good chance that he thinks that there's nothing wrong with what he does, and he's doing this just to humor you. Thus if you want something to actually BE different, what you're going to have to do is something that makes real change in the way that he communicates with you. The obvious suggestion would be counseling, but there are any number of other ways of working on communication. > Yesterday we got into a huge fight, and I told him that if things > didn't change, then we'll talk about divorce. Since, he's been very > good to me and not talking to me like a dog. Every time this happens, > he seems to try for a while, then goes back to his old self. Maybe I'll > show him I'm not bluffing. Any ideas? You need an intermediate step between doing nothing and divorce. You also need a way to learn how to treat each other. You aren't his child, he isn't your dad. You aren't his spoiled pet, he isn't a pampering owner. Basically, you guys need couples therapy from a good therapist, and you need it fast. >> Yesterday we got into a huge fight, and I told him that if things >> didn't change, then we'll talk about divorce. Since, he's been very [quoted text clipped - 7 lines] > You aren't his child, he isn't your dad. You aren't his spoiled pet, > he isn't a pampering owner. From her response that "He came from a Christian background. Very relegious parents.", I would say that he is probably acting out the role he observed of a dominant-male, submissive-female marriage/family structure. If that is the case, then I would imagine that indeed he IS treating her like his child, and will never see anything wrong with it, because that is the way he was raised. > Basically, you guys need couples therapy from a good therapist, and > you need it fast. It is not likely to work, unless he genuinely wants it to work. He seems to be of the mindset that he has done no wrong, and thus need not change to save his marriage. He gets to blame the OP for any problems in the marriage because most religions of the God of Abraham blame women for all manner of evil upon the Earth. A good pastor *might* be effective, or might make things worse by reinforcing the Husband's religious justifications for BS. Cheers, Larry G. SignatureYour mind is a terrible thing to waste - TURN OFF YOUR TV! > >> Yesterday we got into a huge fight, and I told him that if things > >> didn't change, then we'll talk about divorce. Since, he's been very [quoted text clipped - 21 lines] > > It is not likely to work, unless he genuinely wants it to work. That's certainly true. So if it works, good. If it fails, then she will be in a position to know this isn't going to change, so she can decide to leave the marriage, or tolerate his behavior. In either case, she'll have more information than now. You know, I never thought of it that way, but that is exactly how his parents are. Every thing you just described is them to a T. If he doesn't think he is at all in the wrong, and won't go to therapy, what should I do? I have suggested our pastor, but he won't do that either because everything has to appear to be great from the outside. Also he is very good friends with my father in law. > On Thu, 25 Jan 2007 11:02:44 -0600, Doug Anderson > [quoted text clipped - 38 lines] > ----== Posted via Newsfeeds.Com - Unlimited-Unrestricted-Secure Usenet News==----http://www.newsfeeds.comThe #1 Newsgroup Service in the World! 120,000+ Newsgroups > ----= East and West-Coast Server Farms - Total Privacy via Encryption =---- > You know, I never thought of it that way, but that is exactly how his > parents are. Every thing you just described is them to a T. If he > doesn't think he is at all in the wrong, and won't go to therapy, what > should I do? Boy, is that ever a tough question! > I have suggested our pastor, but he won't do that either > because everything has to appear to be great from the outside. That is a very telling, if not alarming, statement. You are married to someone who cares more about what other people think of *his* marriage, than he cares about your happiness. I don't have a good word for it, but it seems to border on abuse, neglect and abandonment - all of which would be suitable grounds for divorce. While there may be no physical abuse, the sadness and depression which would likely result from sustained disrespect and disregard for your worth as an equal human being and marriage partner certainly seems to qualify as emotional abuse, however subtle. While I would hesitate to recommend divorce until all other reasonable attempts at correction are exhausted, it is definitely something you should begin to consider, whether or not he wants to talk about it. You may have to take the initiative on this, and simply leave, if you can arrange it. As you pointed out, he'll be nice for a while, then revert to his old ways. This is typical of most people attempting undirected change on their own. Maybe someone can give you some really creative and effective ideas on how to resolve this without divorce, but I know of none that wouldn't cause even greater problems. Be aware, that if you embark on divorce, you will have to commit yourself to it fully, with no turning back. And you will need counseling along the way, otherwise you risk repeating the same situation in future relationships. You have my sympathies, but they alone will do you little good. Regards, Larry G. > Also he > is very good friends with my father in law. SignatureYour mind is a terrible thing to waste - TURN OFF YOUR TV! Thank tou very much. I think I knew in the back of my head the answer, but I guess I needed to see something on black and white. The hardest part is going to carry through with it. You have been very helpful. > > You know, I never thought of it that way, but that is exactly how his > > parents are. Every thing you just described is them to a T. If he [quoted text clipped - 45 lines] > ----== Posted via Newsfeeds.Com - Unlimited-Unrestricted-Secure Usenet News==----http://www.newsfeeds.comThe #1 Newsgroup Service in the World! 120,000+ Newsgroups > ----= East and West-Coast Server Farms - Total Privacy via Encryption =---- > You know, I never thought of it that way, but that is exactly how his > parents are. Every thing you just described is them to a T. If he > doesn't think he is at all in the wrong, and won't go to therapy, what > should I do? I have suggested our pastor, but he won't do that either > because everything has to appear to be great from the outside. Yikes. I'd ask him how he couldn't see what a hypocrite he was being. - Michaela Also he > is very good friends with my father in law. > [quoted text clipped - 47 lines] >> ----= East and West-Coast Server Farms - Total Privacy via >> Encryption =---- -- >>> Yesterday we got into a huge fight, and I told him that if things >>> didn't change, then we'll talk about divorce. Since, he's been very [quoted text clipped - 16 lines] > treating her like his child, and will never see anything wrong > with it, because that is the way he was raised. I read a lovely story written by a Ghanaian to our daughter a while back and it went something like this: A farmer found an eaglet separated from its mom on a cliff. He took the baby home and raised it along with his chickens. His friend came to visit and kept telling him this wasn't a chicken but an eagle and the farmer kept saying "It walks, behaves and eats like a chicken. It's a chicken." After several failed attempts to prove to the farmer that the bird was indeed an eagle, the friend manages to persuade him to give him another chance to prove that this is indeed an eagle and they go to the edge of a cliff and let the eagle go and it takes flight and is off. Sometimes people can tell us we're a chicken and we may believe them and may begin to act like a a chicken. At other times we may decide not to allow their words to invalidate us and choose to be an eagle despite what they say. Have you decided to let your husband turn you into a chicken? - Michaela >> Basically, you guys need couples therapy from a good therapist, and >> you need it fast. [quoted text clipped - 10 lines] > Cheers, > Larry G. -- (snip story from "Eagle soup for the Ghanian soul") > Sometimes people can tell us we're a chicken and we may believe > them and may begin to act like a a chicken. At other times we may > decide not to allow their words to invalidate us and choose to be an > eagle despite what they say. > > Have you decided to let your husband turn you into a chicken? Probably they need the eggs. On Jan 29, 9:32 pm, Doug Anderson <ethelthelogremovet...@gmail.com> wrote: > (snip story from "Eagle soup for the Ghanian soul") > [quoted text clipped - 6 lines] > > Probably they need the eggs. Hmmm. Soup... eggs... were you hungry when you replied to this post? - Michaela |
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