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Family Forum / Marriage / Marriage / January 2007my wifes attitude....
Hello, I believe marriage is one of the most amazing things one can experience. Good or bad, we learn more about life, and the things that make life beautiful. I have been married for 1 1/2 years. My wife, is GREAT, she has a daughter, and raised her practically herself. Her ex was very bossy with her, had complete control of her. She never got to do anything, like visit her friends, visit her family. Years later, she finally got out of it. I met her about a year and half after she left her ex. Like in all relationship, at first it was amazing, and we fell in love very deep. I told her, one day you will be my wife. 3 years later we got married. Which brings me to this point. She has this "thing" about her that drive me nuts. She has such a bad attitude all the time. I'm one of those husbands, who helps around the house. We both have careers, and I don't expect her to cook all the time, or to clean always. We share this 50/50. I spoil her like no one has ever has. And her daughter I see her as my own, which I love very much too. My wife thinks that im trying to control her, to boss her around. Example. she decides to go out with her friends, which im fine with, but if I ask her, how come she doesn't let me know, or ask me if im ok with it, she says, I don't need your permission to go out. I tell her, Im not saying that, but you should let me know what your plans are. The arguments get really ugly sometimes, and I don't want to fight with her. So a lot of the times I just don't say anything to avoid a conflict, even though inside I am very mad..... any advice ??? thanks > Hello, > [quoted text clipped - 22 lines] > times I just don't say anything to avoid a conflict, even though > inside I am very mad..... any advice ??? It sounds like your wife has gone to the opposite extreme with you after feeling so stifled and controlled in her first marriage. You two would probably benefit from some counselling on aligning both your sets of expectations about what, after all, should be a matter of common courtesy. If it helps, it would not occur to me to take off without mentioning it to my husband and giving him an estimate of when I'll be back - or to ensure a spontaneous plan doesn't inconvenience him. I also phone him if I'm going to be late so he doesn't worry. Good luck. Tai thanks Tai...... I have brought up couselling a few times, I will try again.... >> Hello, >> [quoted text clipped - 15 lines] > >Tai >thanks Tai...... > >I have brought up couselling a few times, I will try again.... I think you have to. It's easy to understand why she's this way, but it's just as wrong as the opposite way. When you live with someone else, you have to do things of basic courtesy... letting them know what's going on with you, sharing your plans, making joint decisions. That's not about control; it's about having a combined life. Somehow, she has to see that sharing is not the same thing as giving up control... but I think it may take a third party to do that. Thanks Nina.. its really hard to talk to her about this. She says, "thats in my head". ... >>thanks Tai...... >> [quoted text clipped - 7 lines] >she has to see that sharing is not the same thing as giving up >control... but I think it may take a third party to do that. >Thanks Nina.. >its really hard to talk to her about this. She says, "thats in my head". ... That's why I think that a third party might be able to address it a little better. For whatever it's worth, "it's all in your head" means one of a few things to me... sometimes something IS all in your head, but a lot of the time, it's that the other person doesn't want to deal with his or her behavior, so s/he turns it back on you. I think that the right answer (or one of them) is, maybe it's all in my head but it's something I care a lot about; can we work on this together? I also think that Tai had a good suggestion, if all else fails. It's manipulative, but it at least gives you the ability to say, see, look, it's really inconsiderate when someone does this. (Playing with fire, though...) mmmm.... but see...the LEAST thing i want to do is to blow this thing even more.... on the other hand, it IS bringging me to my last nerve... >>Thanks Nina.. >>its really hard to talk to her about this. She says, "thats in my head". ... [quoted text clipped - 13 lines] >it's really inconsiderate when someone does this. (Playing with fire, >though...) >mmmm.... but see...the LEAST thing i want to do is to blow this thing even >more.... on the other hand, it IS bringging me to my last nerve... Then, bottom line, you need to either figure out a way to deal with it or a way to let it go. > thanks Tai...... > > I have brought up couselling a few times, I will try again.... Yes, do. Go to counselling on your own if she won't go with you and try to remain calm about the whole business. I hestitate to suggest this but how do you think she'd react if you didn't turn up when and where she expected you to a couple of times? I don't tihnk you should do it in a confrontational or 'I'll show you!' way but just to illustrate how unpleasant it is to be treated like a piece of furniture rather than an important part of one's spouse's life. A counsellor would probably have some good approaches for you to try to *gently* work out new habits. Tai >>> Hello, >>> [quoted text clipped - 16 lines] >> >> Tai > So a lot of the times I just don't say anything to avoid a conflict, > even though inside I am very mad..... any advice ??? Yes... Quit pussy footing around with her... It's clear she's apparently lost site of what you've brought to her life that's good. Your options are limited. She's can either go it alone with your help by understanding there's two of you and respecting each other is mandatory. Try counseling; but if I were to guess, she likely rejects that avenue. Your last option is to walk away for awhile. QUIT SPOILING HER... By the way, you have to be man enough to stand your ground, otherwise, you're just fostering her bad behavior by keeping quite; and in that case, her behavior is not likely to change.  SignatureSD:) >> So a lot of the times I just don't say anything to avoid a conflict, >> even though inside I am very mad..... any advice ??? [quoted text clipped - 10 lines] > your ground, otherwise, you're just fostering her bad behavior by > keeping quite; and in that case, her behavior is not likely to change. From the description it seems that from her previous marriage she's done with "man enough". How about being human enough to realize that the pendulum was swung so far in one direction that now that it's been released you need to get out of the way and be patient while it settles down. If you try to stop it abruptly it's going to have a lot of force behind it. The more compassion you can have for her past experiences, the less anger you'll experience when your expectations aren't met. The more compassion and the less anger you have for her, the more she'll be likely to offer the same to you. Emotions and mannerisms are very contagious. Don't argue with her. Tell her calmly and sincerely that you want her to have her freedom, and that you feel easier when you know what's up. Then leave it, allow her to give it to you on her own without taking it. > Don't argue with her I agree with the importance of compassion and your above statement. However, compassionate men and women often struggle because they seldom know when enough is enough. SignatureSD:) thanks.... i DO spiol her alot... my friends have told me this before... >> So a lot of the times I just don't say anything to avoid a conflict, >> even though inside I am very mad..... any advice ??? [quoted text clipped - 10 lines] >your ground, otherwise, you're just fostering her bad behavior by >keeping quite; and in that case, her behavior is not likely to change. HI THIS THE PROBLEME WICH R FACED BY ALL THE HUSBAND;S I THINK U R VERY UN HAPPY WITH UR WIFE'S BEHAVIOUR I THINK THAT UR WIFE MISUNDERSTANDS UTHAT U HAVE AFIRE WITH ANOTHER PERSON SO U SHOULD CAREFUL AND MOVE FRIEDLY WITH HER |
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