What should I be taking away from therapy sessions?

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sommer610 - 29 Jan 2007 18:57 GMT

I posted a message few weeks ago about having second thoughts about a
hasty marriage. While other events could certainly be contributing to
my discontent, the main source of my misery seemed to be my marriage,
and the overall feeling that I was not truly ready to be in one.

Anyway, I've since enlisted the help of a therapist--on my own first,
before I ask my husband to come along. I have not previoulsy not been
to a therapist so I guess I'm not sure what makes a good one and what
constitutes as a not so good one. I explained to her that one of the
things I would like to get out of our time together is that I want to
be able to recognize when and if we cross the line from the natural
growing pains of a new marriage to a relationship that is not
compatible long-term. She has agreed with me that it is a "tricky
question" but has not yet offered any ways by which to come to the
answer--no thinking assignments or anything like that. She seems to
be very supportive and non-judgmental but will not offer an opinion as
to whether my feelings are normal in my situation. When I asked if
she thought I was on the right path she asked if I thought I was on
the right path.

I understand that therapy can take time. I already recognize many of
the sources of my behaviors and feelings so thus far, I am not
completely oblivious to what's going on. What is the primary concern
of the therapist in the early stages?? And what ar the desired
outcomes? Is it in my best interest for her to tell me that either,
"yes, you have a right to feel that way", or "well, your actions seem
a little contrary to the goals you've mentioned"?

I just don't want to dish out a ton of money for the same support I
can get for the price of a lunch with my girlfriends....

Any savy advice out there?
Thanks
LS

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Doug Anderson - 29 Jan 2007 19:24 GMT

> I posted a message few weeks ago about having second thoughts about a
> hasty marriage. While other events could certainly be contributing to
[quoted text clipped - 28 lines]
>
> Any savy advice out there?

Well, we did some therapist shopping.

For starters, I think it is reasonable to take these concerns to your
therapist. If she is unable to tell you anything about how she is
going to help you gain more clarity, then I would consider shopping
for another therapist.

Many therapists in my town will give you a 20 minute introductory
interview (free). Some of them will also have a serious phone
conversation with you. I don't know how common this is. Since you are
looking for something very specific, that is a good opportunity to
explain what you want, and ask the therapist if this is something you
feel that he or she can help you with, and ask how he or she might go
about that.

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S.D. - 29 Jan 2007 21:53 GMT

> She seems to
> be very supportive and non-judgmental but will not offer an opinion as
> to whether my feelings are normal in my situation. When I asked if
> she thought I was on the right path she asked if I thought I was on
> the right path.

Classic therapist response. Their job is to lead you by providing a
positive support environment in conjunction with a series of questions
for you to ponder and offer thoughts with the hopes you will discover
the answers on your own.

The problem I see with that process is; many adults today have little or
no roll models to draw upon, they fear right and wrong, fear "not"
living up to expectations and often have no understanding of marriage.
Add to that, not knowing when one's baggage is their way and so on. All
this leads people to seek professionals of authority (therapists,
priests, psychologists, etc.) to provide hard line limits for a number
of questions.

>I want to be able to recognize when and if we cross the line
>from the natural growing pains of a new marriage to a relationship that is not
>compatible long-term.

Only way I can respond is to say; if you don't know healthy behaviors,
which are usually provided by parents; what your values and moral
priorities are, where and how you want your life to unfold, then you
will NOT easily find the answers to your questions without spending
large amounts of time and money with a quality pro-active therapist.

>She has agreed with me that it is a "tricky
>question" but has not yet offered any ways by which to come to the
>answer--no thinking assignments or anything like that.

If the therapist doesn't provide the question properly, then you will
not find value for your money. Some therapists know right off what you
want from them and what they can provide is two different things.
There's a fine line between her needing the appropriate time to
understand you, your situation and providing you with some parameters vs
dragging the billable time out.
If you hear anything, it's that choosing a therapist requires judgment,
since all have bias'. Interview them based on your wants; and be
prepared to visit a number of them to find the one that best fits your
expectations and wallet. They should NOT charge for the get to know
each other first visit...

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SD:)

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Larry G. - 30 Jan 2007 04:23 GMT

> I posted a message few weeks ago about having second thoughts about a
> hasty marriage. While other events could certainly be contributing to
[quoted text clipped - 30 lines]
> Thanks
> LS

Lunch with the girlfriends might be useful for venting, but
also might be a fountain of misinformation, depending much on
their age, experience, success, etc. If they all subscribe
to Cosmo, ignore everything they say.

As for your time with a therapist, be aware that *you*
are the person who must make the desired changed, and that
the therapist is just there to provide accurate (non-Cosmo)
guidance.
- You will have to articulate the problem.
- You will have to discover all of the nuances
    in your relationship, and in your past.
- You will have to increase your awareness, and
    ultimately be able to define the goals of
    your therapy.

Your therapists could probably tell you all the answers to
these things, but until you discover them for yourself,
such information is of little value.

Cheers,
Larry G.

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Your mind is a terrible thing to waste - TURN OFF YOUR TV!

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Family Forum / Marriage / Marriage / January 2007

What should I be taking away from therapy sessions?