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Family Forum / Marriage / Marriage / February 2007What to do when you fall out of love?
I think I've fallen out of love. My marriage is a year old. It started with my wife getting on my case in a big way saying she doubted my accounts of a relatively clean cut life after my first marriage. This went on for about six months, at which time I informed her anybody that suspicious was hiding something themselves. I said if her past couldn't stand the same level of scrutiny, she should quit dogging me and try building toward the future. Of course that didn't stop it. So I kept my promise and did some investigating. There was an undisclosed bankruptcy three years ago. There's a mountain of IRS debt from unpaid taxes ($30K +/-). She represented she owned her home and had to sell it when we married, but in reality it was a rental. She was having an affair with her boss when she filed for divorce. They filed within five weeks of each other, and used the same attorney. She settled the divorce by foregoing child support and agreeing to pay her ex alimony. She has a horrible temper, and says she has only had problems with it is with me, and she is only reacting to me and her foul temper is really my responsibility. When confronted with the truth, she has lied consistently, and only admitted the truth when confronted with direct evidence. I don't trust anything this woman says to me. Nor should I. I also feel deceived and feel like I have all the negative points of marriage and none of the positives. I'm thinking of throwing in the towel. She's 53, so it's not like she's likely to change much in the future. > I think I've fallen out of love. My marriage is a year old. > [quoted text clipped - 29 lines] > I'm thinking of throwing in the towel. She's 53, so it's not like > she's likely to change much in the future. You don't say whether there are any kids involved. I'll assume there aren't. She has certainly given you plenty of reasons to end the relationship. Given her record of lying to you and her questionable past, I wouldn't blame you for ending the relationship. If you are convinced that there isn't hope for her changing, and especially if you don't love her anymore, then it seems like ending this relationship may be the right thing to do. I don't like to advise people to end relationships, but the reality is there are some that are not worth continuing, and I think yours may be one. > I think I've fallen out of love. My marriage is a year old. > [quoted text clipped - 29 lines] > I'm thinking of throwing in the towel. She's 53, so it's not like > she's likely to change much in the future. I think it would be hard to stay with a spouse where there is no trust and little possibility of trust ever being achieved in the future, with or without there being love present. Without love and without any other forms of 'glue' such as children, it's hard not see you being happier alone than in your current situation. And you seem like a nice enough fellow, Mike! (If a little bit too trusting, perhaps, but maybe not anymore.) I would think you could do better for yourself with someone else, eventually. Tai >> I think I've fallen out of love. My marriage is a year old. >> It started with my wife getting on my case in a big way saying [quoted text clipped - 13 lines] >> I don't trust anything this woman says to me. Nor should I. >> <snip> -------------------- What possessed you to choose this woman in the first place? Was it the sex? I usually advise marriage counselling first, but its clear that /this/ should not be your destiny. You deserve so much better. Run for the hills, and don't look back. =R= Tai أرسلت: > > I think I've fallen out of love. My marriage is a year old. > > [quoted text clipped - 41 lines] > > Tai > I think I've fallen out of love. My marriage is a year old. > [quoted text clipped - 29 lines] > I'm thinking of throwing in the towel. She's 53, so it's not like > she's likely to change much in the future. Seems like she isn't the woman she claims she's like to be and certainly not the woman you thought you knew. So, on that basis, get out. As for her age and your comment (that she's unlikely to change because she's 53) well that's wrong. Change can occur at any age. I'm 54 and have changed interiorly several times. I'm likely to change many times from now on. We all grow. On Feb 17, 12:48 pm, "elixir...@yahoo.com.au" <elixir...@yahoo.com.au> wrote: > > I think I've fallen out of love. My marriage is a year old. > [quoted text clipped - 38 lines] > > - Show quoted text - Your stand is OK. > She has a horrible temper, and says she has only had problems with it > is with me, and she is only reacting to me and her foul temper is > really my responsibility. Perhaps this is not the most appropriate response on a marriage support newsgroup, but I think if someone said that to me, I'd be out the door. >> She has a horrible temper, and says she has only had >> problems with it is with me, and she is only reacting to >> me and her foul temper is really my responsibility. > Perhaps this is not the most appropriate response on a > marriage support newsgroup, but I think if someone said > that to me, I'd be out the door. --------------- During and for a while after my divorce in '99, I attended a support group in which quite a number of the men said that they stayed in their marriages considerably longer than they should have, and waited until their wives pulled the plug. They stayed, hoping things would turn around, and refusing to throw in the towel because they did not want to admit to themselves, their friends or family that they'd failed at something that our society defines as a sign of sucesss, as if it reflected poorly on their qualifications as a human being. =R= >I think I've fallen out of love. My marriage is a year old. > [quoted text clipped - 29 lines] >I'm thinking of throwing in the towel. She's 53, so it's not like >she's likely to change much in the future. Well, you never know. Everyone else has weighed in on the "dump her" side, and maybe that's what you should do. But on the other hand, in all of your other posts, you've said, I love her, and she's a good person. You've been hit with a lot of lousy things lately, and I can see why you'd feel betrayed, and why you would say you'd fallen out of love. Certainly the bloom is off the rose. But everyone comes with baggage. Some people come with bigger bags than other, and have less ability and training in honesty. To me, the big thing is, are they willing to work on it? In this case, would she be willing to go to counseling? Is she willing to consider your collective problems and work to save the marriage? If her answer is, it's all your problem, then I'd leave. If she's willing to do something else... well, sometimes it's better to try to work with someone who you know about than start over again with another unknown quantity. > >I think I've fallen out of love. My marriage is a year old. > [quoted text clipped - 47 lines] > work with someone who you know about than start over again with > another unknown quantity. The answer is it's all my problem. There's no acceptance this is difficult, or any real support. I've been going through some very tough times lately, and what I've been given is more negativity. The sticking point for me was an acknowledgement the foul temper and insulting comments were inappropriate and needed to end. She can't even remember later what she said, and indicates she's only responding, and her response is appropriate. I can't live like this anymore. > I can't live like this anymore. Then don't. You've gotten near universal support for leaving, which is damn freaky. So now the question is: Have you got the cajones or are you just going to keep posting complaints? =R= > > >I think I've fallen out of love. My marriage is a year old. > [quoted text clipped - 57 lines] > > I can't live like this anymore. Mike, I'm a total shipper (I don't like recommending divorce) but hey, dude, even I am on the bandwagon. Make a plan - in fact, think about how you're going to do your living arrangements, etc. File as soon as possible - go the court and just file, even without an attorney - and then get the paperwork served - whatever it takes to stop the clock on her getting equity, if you've got a house and she's got all that debt. You are not responsible for her pre-marriage debt - but whatever she ran up since then, you are responsible for half, in most states. She gets half of the equity that's accrued in the past year, in most states. She can force the sale of your house if you don't have that in cash - but a good lawyer could head her off with a lien. However, that lawyer will cost money. If you'll need to borrow to get money to divorce her, her credit isn't going to help you. But you can file your own divorce papers cheaply and then get money and shop for an attorney. Think about your accounting and legal issues for the weekend - everything is closed until Tuesday. A. <snip> > The answer is it's all my problem. There's no acceptance this is > difficult, or any real support. I've been going through some very [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > > I can't live like this anymore. Well, then I think you have your answer. If you're looking for permission or support from a group of total strangers, well then it looks to me you have it. If you have some residual guilt holding you back about cutting bait and running after only a year, then I think you're hereby absolved of that guilt. I say cut your losses and get out. Now. Better to bail now after "only" giving it a year than to cling to a doomed marriage out of some misguided principle and sink another 2 or 5 or 10 years into it w/ the same inevitable conclusion. If for some strange reason you need a more compelling convincer on what to do, take a sheet of blank paper and draw a vertical line down the middle. On one side, list all the things about her and the marriage that make you unhappy. On the other side, list all the things about her and the marriage that fill your heart with joy and make you glad you married her. I don't need to be Jean Dixon to predict how the exercise will turn out. Kimmy On Feb 19, 7:01 pm, "HotFlashesColdTears" <kimstar2...@yahoo.com> wrote: > <snip> > [quoted text clipped - 26 lines] > > Kimmy Thanks for the support all. I appreciate it very much. I think I've convinced her to leave. It wasn't easy, but putting up with the pouting and waiting on the degrading foul temper tantrums paid off. I asked what was wrong and I got it - both barrels with my defficiencies while she compared herself to Mother Theresa. I told her she was broke, had only a few years to get solvent, had showed terrible judgment historically, had misled me into believing she was someone she was not, had a foul temper and was verbally abusive, and there was no longer any point in pursuing the relationship. I also told her I was convinced with as much dirt as I had uncovered about her with a little effort, I was convinced there was a whole lot more and probably stuff that was even uglier. She didn't like it, but the facts are the facts. I guess there's another victim waiting out there willing to listen to her tales. Woe to them. If I ever do find someone I'm seriously interested in, I'm doing a background check early, and I'd encourage any of you in the same situation to do the same thing. > On Feb 19, 7:01 pm, "HotFlashesColdTears" <kimstar2...@yahoo.com> > wrote: [quoted text clipped - 52 lines] > > - Show quoted text - We live and learn, and sometimes that really sucks. Good luck to you, Mike. >I think I've fallen out of love. My marriage is a year old. > [quoted text clipped - 29 lines] > I'm thinking of throwing in the towel. She's 53, so it's not like > she's likely to change much in the future. Yikes. A 53-yr-old woman who hasn't gotten her act together, and is blaming you, her latest husband, for her problems, has huge issues that you can't deal with. Bail. > I think I've fallen out of love. My marriage is a year old. > [quoted text clipped - 29 lines] > I'm thinking of throwing in the towel. She's 53, so it's not like > she's likely to change much in the future. Can you be held liable for her debts now that you are married to her? If you get divorced will you have a problem with her IRS bill etc? |
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