Family Forum / Marriage / Marriage / February 2007

Are you ready for this???

I am emotionally confused. I have been married for 16 years and live
with a wife who drinks every day and every night after she gets home.
Usually 2 beers and 2 big glasses of wine. I have confronted her with
the drinking and it seems that she gravitates to others in her circle
for support that she has no real problem. She says its only my
problem. I called Al-Anon and they advised me Not to react to the
drinking. I feel like she drinks so much because she has lost interest
in me and our relationship? Because I care for her and want her to be
more loving to me and cut down on the drinking, she seems cold and
often distant to me lately. On Saturdays, she asks me what I have
planned and doesnt ask what we could do together. She makes her own
plans and goes to get a tan, her nails done, maybe go to work for a
few hours and then to the gym. All said, she gets home about 4:30 pm
and then greets me with...hi honey, and needless to say, that I am
pissed that she ditched me all day. This is a frequent occurrance. She
says that then I pout and that I just cant stand that she has friends
and wants to do other things without me from time to time. She says we
need to be more like her parents and do their own separate things and
then get back together  and have something to talk about. Her father
calls her to ck in with her every day and she is 39!  When we first
met, she literally had to be with me all the time and we saw each
other every day. My friends say that I need to quit calling her during
the day and stop doing everything for her all the time, and especially
quit answering my cell phone when she calls to ck on me throughout the
day. I literally quit dialing her at work about 2 or 3 months ago. Now
she says I dont care about her anymore. BTW - I work at home 90% of
the time and she really has a problem with this and wants me to go do
stuff with my friends. I am a top producer with my firm and make
almost $200,000 per year, so its not like I sit at home watching TV or
play all day. Anyway, when I do leave the house, I receive a series of
calls from her. Are you having fun, blah, blah...3 or 4 calls.
Sometimes I leave and the teen age kids call her and then she is
calling me to say that the kids said I left, and what am I doing.
What do I do to turn this situation around.
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THIS IS WHAT I WANT TO SAY TO MY WIFE NOW............

It's gotten to the point where I am seriously considering leaving
you.

I think our biggest problem has been your drinking and I am getting
extremely depressed and under the
most stress I have ever encountered and it is causing me some serious
health problems recently by
watching your health and weight deplete and you destroy yourself wirh
your daily drinking. Look in the mirror.
You are seriously aging yourself with your behavior.

Beside you not wanting to be loved by me....You have hiding money from
me all year long and lying about it. Another matter altogether.

Having grown up around a few alcohiolics, and speaking to Al-Anon...I
can say that there is little
you can do to change the person with a substance abuse problem. He or
she will only change when he/she decides, for himself/herself that it
is
time to change, and cease drinking. I can't decide that for you.

Have you considered that the reason you don't feel happy is because of
all the alcohol that you consume throughout the day, weeks, and
months, and for years???

Most alcoholics eventually have to lose everything (their family,
their house, and/or job) and hit rock bottom before that happens.

I'm getting some counseling and taking initial steps to prepare for
what I need to do for our family. There is no question that I
have been working on being more positive, encouraging and patient. You
haven't even been trying. You are displaying emotional avoidance.

You say that we have a communication problem. Yes we do. We have no
intimate conversations. Everything that we talk about gets relayed to
others. When I talk to you as as a lover and friend, it seems that you
go around immediately to discuss our conversations with your whole
network at work, your parents, your sister, and even the neighbors.
Not only that, but you talk BAD to them about me frequently. Is that
something that a loved does to her husband. Why??

You are the love of my life and quite frankly your daily drinking and
emotional detachment
and actions towards avoiding me are too painful to sit back and watch
every day.

BTW - your carrer is going great, and I'm proud of you, but don't let
that overshadow what is really important...YOUR FAMILY, and your
relationship with your famliy. You are not investing enough into the
family relationship im my opinion. Take the blinders off.

If you want to make things work then we need to turn this relationship
around, and fast.

If not, I figure I'd rather be alone and unhappy rather than living
with someone who is emotionally
disconnected from me and the kids, feeling alone, feeling unhappy and
knowing that that person does not appreciate value me enough
to be more loving.