Family Forum / Marriage / Marriage / February 2007

Either she's been going to bars and picking up guys, or she secretly
bought a boat and has been out fishing.  Just a theory.   =R=

Why don't you just assume that he's asking for the reasonable ones?

Tai, have you ever failed to nail it?

its cool ya make the kinda money where ya wife can stay at home but
now that the kid is in school too much free time turns to lonelyness
and bordom find her something to keep her mind bussy or she will for
ya

I guess the only thing I could add to all this is...

It looks to me like it comes down to a matter of trust.

I can certainly see that, after 5 years of running around after a
kidlet, it could be good to get some "down time" and regenerate a
little.

The only danger with that is of there is too much downtime and
regenration turns to lazyness, and then boredom, and then depression.
If the Femminist crap gets ahold of her in that state, then she will
get brain washed that she is a liberated woman, and she deserves more,
and she should dump you, take the kids, and go get a live-in lover so
she can have "empowerment" and make you pay for it.

OK, rewind! You are a LONG ways from that at the moment (I hope!).

My first marraige was a bad one. We started out both working. And over
the years she go herself into a spot where she was - supposedly -
"self-employed". Her "self-employment" consisted of staying up late
cybering on her computer, getting up at about 1:00PM, watching Oprah
and shovelling box after box of bon-bons into her cake-hole. She would
finally get down to some "work" at about 6:30 PM.

While all this was going on - day after day - I was getting up at 4:30
AM, taking care of the dogs, making my lunch, showering and getting
ready for work, walking out to the bus stop for 6:00AM so I could get
to work at about 8:05 AM (about 5 minutes late). I had to leave work
at 4:25 PM to connect with a bus (5 min early) or wait for another
hour! And I would usually get home between 7:30PM and 8:00 PM. When I
had two jobs I did not get home until 11:30 PM.

When I arrived home, I would frequenly find the kitchen a total
disaster - damn near every pot and pan dirty, and every counter on the
kitchen covered in filth and dirty dishes from her daily feeding
frenzy. Of course on arrival at home, there was nothing ready to eat!
No, no, no! Cooking dinner was "my job". But she was usually bellowing
at the top of her lungs that she was hungry and could not wait for me
to cook. Fair comment! It would have taken an hour to clean the
kitchen and get the dishwasher going so I could have clean pots and
pans and dishes with which to cook! Not to mention having to try and
thaw something in the microwave so that I actually had something to
cook!

Did I mention that she sat on her sorry a.s ALL FRICKIN DAY??????

Having had the expericences I did, I think I understand where your
concern is! You fear that this is the provervial "slipery slope"! And
that it is all downhill from here.

I can't say for sure one way or the other in your case. But based on
my experiences I will give you this advice...

How do you feel your marraige / relationship is??? Does your wife have
a tendancy to be lazy??? Be HONEST! Mine did! But I was "blinded by
love" as it were. You need to be bluntly and brutally honest with
yourself at this time. If you have "made a mistake" and chosen the
wrong mate, then you have a problem. This problem will not be recified
without some heartache - been there done that.

If, OTOH, you did chose the right mate, then you still have a problem,
but this problem can be solve with a little work. And that work is the
important work of communication! You need to sort out in your mind
what it is you want and what you expect from her. And then you need to
TALK to her about how she is, how she is feeling. Be supportive. DO
NOT just drop the bomb that you think she is lazy! You need to get her
to open up, and dropping the bomb is the  quickest way to have her
slam shut like a clam! Explore what she is thinking, feeling, and
experienceing. Then, at the appropraite moment, segway into concerns
that you have based on observations. Stick to the facts! Do NOT make
it personal. Discuss the sitaution, and try to negotiate with ther
about what she will do and how and when this will take place. Maybe
she needs a month or two to step back, rest, and regroup. Fine. No
problem. But she needs to agree to kick start herself after the agreed
upon period.

And I am sorry with respect to what one of the other posters said, and
with all due respect.... If the Mom happens to be a "stay at home mom"
and daddy is bringing home all the bacon, then you have every right to
expect that the SAHM will shoulder the Lion's Share of the domestic
duties. The only duties that the "breadwinner" should be doing are
those duties that will provide a bit of a break for the SAHM so that
she is not overwhelmed. If your wife was working, even part time, then
a more equal split of domestic duties would be appropriate. But under
the current situation you have - IMHO and IME - every right to be
upset.

The reason I say that is this:

When I was with my first wfe, I did pretty much everyting. I held the
only permanent full time job, sometimes had had TWO jobs, I did all
the shoping, 90% of the cooking, all of the cleaning, I looked after
the dogs and cat, I maintained the house, the car, and did 99.9% of
her bidding, as well as the laundry, the
vacuuming...................................................................

All because she would not get off her lazy a.s. Well it does not take
a rocket scientist to see that our marraige had problems. Indeed, she
was abusive to me (but thar is another story). But communication may
have helped! Problem was, since she would not pull her weight and
shoulder her fair shar of the chores, we never had TIME to talk! The
only talking done was her screaming at me over one thing or another
while I was trying to get the things done that needed to be done in a
day to run the household!

Now I wont kid you. I did try to find time to talk with my ex-wife. It
was then that I discovered she had NO intention of discussing
anything. I was her little slave-boy and she liked it that way! To
her, there was nothing wrong with the status-quo, and she had no
desire to change a thing! Well, I guess not. She really put the "fun"
in disfunctional! :(

The other reason is that the divorce courts DO look at who did what in
the marraige! The court agreed with me IN WRITING that I had performed
all the domestic dudties. This FACT did make a difference when they
were looking at my payment of spousal support to her. In fact, I could
have paid much more, but was not ordered to because of the FACT that I
had done all the chores.

So from my experience, realize that if your wife has a bent to become
a lazy housewife, then she will do just that. And, short of divorce,
there is precious little you can do about it.

I do not believe that your sitaution, based on the information you
provided, is any where near as bad as what I was experieincing - at
least not yet. So the best medicine is the proverbial "ounce of
prevention". Collect your thoughts, and talk to her. Get joint
counselling to help both of you through it if you can't seem to
resolve the issue. Don't feel like a failure or be too proud on this
point. We are all human, and sometimes we need help. There is no shame
in this.

True communication, in the form of real dialogue from a prespective of
genuine concern will be the cement that holds your marraige together.
It is NOT always easy to discuss issues. But I can tell you that some
issues are like an infection. If an infection is treated when it is
small, then it goes away and may not even leave a scar. If you let an
infection get out of hand, it could lead to amputation of a limb! So
it is with a relationship. Let your concerns fester, and the
consquences could be dire! Been there, done that. Treat issues that
come up quickly, and they will never amount to a hill of beans.

Do you turst your wife then???? Is she just going through a phase??
Will she pull out of it with your caring and support???

Only one way to find out!

hth!

But she can be certain of where he is and what's he's doing during
work hours.  He on the other hand has no idea what she's doing.  The
kid is in school in the mornings and often not with mom in the
afternoon.  And, he did mention that the cleaning isn't getting done.
Just from what he said, I'd be curious too.
He also said, "I am finding out" which sounds like he's finding out
from someone other than his wife.  That seems very curious to me as
well.
Normal conversation usually leads to the "how was your day".  But, if
she can't answer that with what she's did that day then it would seem
something is wrong.