Wife says she needs to be free !

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jeevanhota@yahoo.com - 21 Feb 2007 05:12 GMT

After 15 years of marriage, and two children, my wife says that she
wants a trail-seperation. She blames it on the fact that in the first
few years (maybe 5) I used to come home late, usually from hanging out
with the guys at bars,etc. She said that that ruined the marriage and
she has a lot of anger about it and can't get over the initial years
of marital neglect on my part. I have made up for that and now she
thinks I have become the ideal husband but it is too late. She also
said that two years ago she had a mid-life crisis and was'nt sure if
she wanted to be married anymore. At the time she was doing a lot of
research into the topic trying to make sense of her feelings. She said
would like for once in her life to be free to make every decision on
her own. I asked her if she intended dating and she said she doesn't
know but that it was a possibility. About the kids, I get to look
after them and she will see them every 2nd weekend. That was her
suggestion. She also said that if we can't afford an apartment, then
we could stay in the same home but seperated with no questions about
"outside activities".
She is very attractive and draws a lot of attention from all kinds of
men, young and old. She has thought about the possibility of herself
being severely depressed (when home, sleeps a lot, not interested in
going out or doing anything with kids and family, hot tempered,etc).
she has been researching depression to see if this is the reason she
wants to leave. I think it is the main reason but I am not sure.
Basically I don't know what to do, try to make her stay or is the
writing on the wall that when a woman is determined to be free, they
will eventually leave. She is very blunt in reminding me not to read
into anything if she is kind or polite to me. I know this post is
long but believe me I could write forever about instances in the
marriage. Our families will be very dissapointed on both sides. Is
the talk of depression just an excuse to justify what she really wants?
(maybe to experience meeting other people in a free and unrestricted
way). I don't understand how people can suddenly fall out of love.The
only way I know is if they want to be with someone else that they have
in mind to pursue a relationship with, and it gives them strength to
walk away from a comfortable home, great kids, loving husband (not a
bore)etc. Any opinions appreciated.
Bill

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Doug Anderson - 21 Feb 2007 05:24 GMT

> After 15 years of marriage, and two children, my wife says that she
> wants a trail-seperation. She blames it on the fact that in the first
[quoted text clipped - 33 lines]
> bore)etc. Any opinions appreciated.
> Bill

Bill, I'm sorry you are going through what must be very devastating.

A few opinions:

1) Depression can cause some people to demonize the people they would
otherwise feel closest too. This can be reversible if the
depression can be treated.

2) If a man or a woman wants to leave a marriage, he or she gets to do
it in our society. Permission is not required. An excuse is not
required.

3) It is perfectly possible to fall out of love without falling in love
with someone else.

If I were you, I wouldn't try to "make her stay" - that isn't going to
be your choice. What I would try to do is ask her to slow down and
see to treating her depression with both counseling and medication,
and go to couples therapy to see if there is any way to rebuild the
relationship.

In the meantime, without knowing for sure if your wife is depressed or
not, you might consider reading Ann Sheffield's book "How you can
survive when they're depressed."

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Rog' - 21 Feb 2007 05:56 GMT

>> After 15 years of marriage, and two children, my wife says that
>> she wants a trail-seperation. <snip>

Sorry, but I have to ask... Is that where you go off one trail and
she goes off on another trail? Seriously, from what you say below,
that's, in effect, what's happening here. But I think that you have
a shot here: Ask her to see a doc to be screened for depression.
There are meds that can help with that. And ask her go with you
to a marriage counsellor. It may not work, but IMHO its worth
the time and effort.

But if she's determined to separate: I know a guy who helped his
wife find her own apartment with a 1-yr lease. They did marriage
counselling and eventually, she moved back home. His personal
deadline was one year, saying that after that, he'd move on. But
you need to play the role of the nice guy in all this, since this could
lead to divorce, and the less contentious you are at this stage, the
better your settlement may be down the road. =R=

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AllYou! - 22 Feb 2007 15:06 GMT

> After 15 years of marriage, and two children, my wife says that she
> wants a trail-seperation. She blames it on the fact that in the
[quoted text clipped - 9 lines]
> she wanted to be married anymore. At the time she was doing a lot of
> research into the topic trying to make sense of her feelings.

Huge mistake. In all probability, that kind of "research" was filled
with the same kind of nonsense that dominates this NG. In short, it
probably reinforced every suspicion, every concern, and every negative
thought she ever had, not only about the relationship, but about you
as well. The current "enlightened" thinking is that as long as you
believe it, or even think of it, it's real for you, and so it must be
real.

Personal responsibility, tolerance, understanding, and the quest for
objectivity have all but disappeared. If she has lingering anger
about what happened 10 years ago, her research will tell her that she
has a right to be, that you abused her, and every other negative thing
that could possibly be ascribed to you. Almost never will she hear
that although you probably were a shitheel during that time, that
she's got to get over it, and that it's not who you are now, and to
basically grow up and realize that the ideal partner is almost never a
reality, and that if you're it now, it doesn't get any better than
that.

You probably were an a.shole at the time, and it sounds as though
you're tried to make amends, and that she even accepts that you have.
What a shame that enlightenment has brought with it so much damned
intolerance.

> She said
> would like for once in her life to be free to make every decision on
[quoted text clipped - 11 lines]
> she has been researching depression to see if this is the reason she
> wants to leave.

Depression is always the excuse for everything these days. Not happy
with the kids? Depression. Not happy in your job? Depression. Not
happy in your marriage? Depression. I'm not saying that depression
isn't a real issue with which we must deal, but I am saying that this
real problem has been used as the catch all for virtually every
situation wherein people aren't living the absolutely perfect life
they've always wanted. It's an insult to all those who truly DO
suffer from REAL depression.

> I think it is the main reason but I am not sure.
> Basically I don't know what to do, try to make her stay or is the
> writing on the wall that when a woman is determined to be free, they
> will eventually leave.

There's is no one way in which women act. But if I were to guess,
I'll wager that if she does get to try to live the life she thinks is
so perfect, she'll soon find that all she did was trade one set of
problems for another. If she wants to leave, then why should you help
to pay for the apartment?

> She is very blunt in reminding me not to read
> into anything if she is kind or polite to me. I know this post is
> long but believe me I could write forever about instances in the
> marriage. Our families will be very dissapointed on both sides. Is
> the talk of depression just an excuse to justify what she really
> wants?

Most likely, yes.

> (maybe to experience meeting other people in a free and unrestricted
> way). I don't understand how people can suddenly fall out of
[quoted text clipped - 4 lines]
> walk away from a comfortable home, great kids, loving husband (not a
> bore)etc. Any opinions appreciated.

The obvious first choice is joint counseling. But quite frankly, your
only choice here is to let her go and hope that she gets a huge dose
of common sense and then returns.

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double_t_sptn - 22 Feb 2007 15:48 GMT

> <jeevanh...@yahoo.com> wrote in message
>
[quoted text clipped - 107 lines]
> that my remarks are that of an ignorant layperson, and no one should
> ever base their decisions upon them under any circumstances.

nope dude tell her she can have the kids 24/7 and you will start a
checking acount for the two kids. so as to keep up with what she
spends and tell her to find a new home to live in 15 years na man she
shaging ya let her go you get out and have the trial freedom and see
if she likes that

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NewMan - 22 Feb 2007 15:59 GMT

It does not sound like she all of a sudden fell out of love. But
surpressing her feelings about your treatment of her in the first 5
years of marraige for 10 years?????

At the VERY LEAST the two of you have a communication problem!

So she is in her late 30's??? The time when women are at their sexual
peak??? And she want to be on her own???

My opinion, her mid-life crisis has not even begun yet - let alone
being over! If she feels that "itch" under her skin and wants to go
screw around before she "looses her beauty" then she is on a course
which will destroy her marraige, hut her friends, family, and children
- not to mention trash her life. But if she has been watching Oprah
and listening to all the Femminist garbage that is around these days,
then they may have brainwashed her into believing that this "freedom"
is her "right". Hell if I was a woman and listened to the Femminist
garbage than I would be depressed to! (Even as a man it is hard not to
get depressed just thinking about it!)

I like the other posters idea. Try counselling, and see if she will
live at home. If not, then move her into her own place for a year. The
one year is a deadline. IF she does not come back, then YOU file fore
divorce and full custody of the children. And make damn good and sure
it is HER that moves out!

Good luck.

>After 15 years of marriage, and two children, my wife says that she
>wants a trail-seperation. She blames it on the fact that in the first
[quoted text clipped - 33 lines]
>bore)etc. Any opinions appreciated.
>Bill

Reply to this Message

LarryG - 23 Feb 2007 05:43 GMT

Getting a divorce while in a state of uncertainty and confusion
is a recipe for disaster. It sounds very much as if your wife is
desparate for fulfillment, which she isn't getting in her current
life.

While a divorce shouldn't be ruled out, there may be much
less drastic ways to meet her needs without screwing up
the lives of her family. To begin with, I would encourage her
to find a good psychotherapist. Keeping a journal might also
help her focus on exactly what is bothering her.

Until she gain clarity and certainty about what she really
wants to do with her life, and how to do it, she should
refrain from all activities which would damage her future or
her family. That means, no divorce, no outside dating, no
internet romances.

For what it is worth, you might look into some counseling
for yourself too. Check out the Imago concept of Harville
Hendrix (Getting the Love You Want). It may be that your
early days of staying out with the boys was exactly what
she wanted/expected in a mate. And now that you are no
longer acting that way, she may perversely resent you for
it. (This is not a suggestion to return to your former ways,
only to look at why *she* chose you, and what she really
needs from you.)

Good luck,
Larry G.

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Vulnero - 24 Feb 2007 00:14 GMT

The first thing that popped into my mind in reading your post is that
your wife sounds like someone who already has "outside activities".
It is possible she wants to break up before she gets involved with
someone else, but I think it is far more likely that she already has
someone else in mind. If you have access to her cellphone records or
email accounts, you may want to see what they can tell you. Under
normal circumstances I would not advocate this kind of snooping, but
these are not normal circumstances.

You don't say how old your wife is, but is it possible that she is in
the early stages of menopause. The hormonal changes that accompany
menopause can trigger personality changes like the ones you describe.

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Family Forum / Marriage / Marriage / February 2007

Wife says she needs to be free !