Family Forum / Marriage / Marriage / February 2007

Boy you give up fast.  One minute you are looking for help, a couple
hours later you are ready to get divorced!

What steps have you taken to try to save your marriage?

Have you and your spouse gone to joint counseling?  Have you read any
marriage books together?  Does she know that you are so unhappy that
you want to divorce if nothing changes?

I'm sure some people here have opinions about this, but you might find
alt.support.divorce ultimately more useful for this question.

There must be fifty ways to leave your lover...
Just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You dont need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free.

Hop on the bus, Gus
You dont need to discuss much,
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free.
  --- Paul Simon ---

And while you're at it, you may want see a lawyer 'bout a
separation agreement and child support obligations. =R=

Doug and Rog' are both right.

There really *is* a point to counselling.  And while there may be (at
least) fifty ways to leave your lover... they *all* involve more pain
and suffering then you can possibly imagine... until, of course, you
go there.  And find that there's no way to undo what you've done.

rj

Pragmatic suggestions are to be had over at alt.support.divorce.

I'll point out, unpragmatically, that the way you've cast your situation
here seems, in a weird way, like you're trying to deflect the onus of
your marital breakdown on your wife (her needs aren't being met, so it's
best she move on) rather than accepting your role in this choice (my
needs aren't being met, so it's time I move on).

Weird, because on the surface it seems like all the falling short and
inadequacy language makes it LOOK like you're taking responsibility. But
really, it's only pseudoresponsibility. If you were really that bad in
her eyes, she'd be handing you papers. If it's you that's handing the
papers, you gotta be able to live with the knowledge that, hey, it was
me who bailed, for my own personal reasons.

You sound like a victim now.

Wrong ...

Well, for starters, you talk to your wife about it and find out if she feels
the same way.  Perhaps she thinks she *does* need you, for instance.

Or possibly regressing.

Alright, one other perspective.  Mine is as a co-parent (12 and 25
year olds) and licensed marriage and family therapist of 15 years.

I'd say you're not being entirely honest with yourself.  Taking ALL
the blame is the flip side of taking NONE of it.  A good therapist is
like a mirror, and can confront you and give you support.  They can
also give you the information you're going to need in order to be the
divorced dad your kids need your to be.  You will be coparenting for
the rest of your life, that's the truth of it. You need to know your
kids' developmental needs, understand the process of divorce on their
emotions and build a new, secure two-home life for them.

The money, child support, therapy, etc., is the smallest
part...whether you divorce or not you sound like you play games with
yourself, your partner and your kids.  That's the biggest problem I
see here, for what it's worth.

Children can survive divorce and thrive, given enough support,
understanding, time and dedicated parents.  Children don't always
perceive divorce as having their homes "ripped apart."  Sometimes
they're relieved, usually they have a whole bunch of mixed emotions.
They can get through all this with strong parents.  They have a much
harder time doing well with parents who blame, lie and bail on them,
whether married or divorced.  Whether you stay or go, it's time to
step up to the plate.

BTW, the "young teens" are one of the most vulnerable ages for kids
going through loss of any kind.  Get some professional advice, there
are lots of good resources on the internet and in your community.
Divorce Lifeline is one in Washington state, for example.  Good luck
to you~