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Family Forum / Marriage / Marriage / March 2007cyber cheating ?
hi all, would like some opinions on my marriage. A brief history might help; married 10 years ( 2 kids). I would say the past 7 years have been terrible. We ignore each other. It's like a boxing match ( figuretavily). I jab her, she jabs me. All this come out about 3 months ago. I noticed she was looking @ the personal ads. I asked her why. She said just browsing. I really didn't think anything of it. Two months later, I find out she's answered one of these ads and have been chatting for with this local guy for the past 1.5 month. When I walked in on her, she quickly closed the laptop so I would not see what she way chatting about. We got in a screaming match and the truth ( of whatever she's telling me is the truth) came out. I ddin't mind the chatting but felt very uncomfortable but when I found out she was chatting sexually, I flipped. She says she's just seeking a friend. I say bullshit, I don't talk to my friends that way. On top of that, he's hidding it from his wife. My wife knows this and is totally very comfortable with this. She flirts with him. She even said she'll send him a picture of her butt on his birthday. She's spooned someone once but that's all I know. I think this is in appropriate as well but only found out recently when she told this guy what she did. Dispite our miserable marriage, I've just toughed it out.. mainly for the sake of the kids. I have not cheated or done anything in appropriate. Sure I'll tell sexual joke and innuendos but that's always been in front of a group ( co-workers or friends). She refuses to give up the chatting dispite the fact I"m uncomfortable about my wife talking sexually to another man. And still she flirts with him. She says she's doing nothing wrong. I say she is when she crossed the line with the sexual talk; hid it from me; comfortable with the fact he's hiding it from his wife. To top if off... I find out she sent him a valentine's card ... just a friendship card she says. I say no.. it's inappropriate. she don't send valentine cards to friends u only 3 months ago over the internet. BTW, I got nothing.... apparently, she got upset cause I told our older son he can buy a book @ his school's book fair ( $4.25!!).... do u believe this! I feel like I'm being taken for as a chump! We've started theropy and things are much better. Just feel she started going over to the cheating side and if I didn't intervene... she would have.. she says no...just a friend. I don't trust her anymore. thanks to all for reading and offering opinions To put it bluntly, I think your marriage is going in the sh.tter. > hi all, > [quoted text clipped - 53 lines] > > thanks to all for reading and offering opinions > A brief history might help; married 10 years ( 2 kids). I would say > the past 7 years have been terrible. We ignore each other. It's like > a boxing match ( figuretavily). I jab her, she jabs me. Ugh. Sounds awful. Do you still want to be married? Do you still love her? > > A brief history might help; married 10 years ( 2 kids). I would say > > the past 7 years have been terrible. We ignore each other. It's like > > a boxing match ( figuretavily). I jab her, she jabs me. > > Ugh. Sounds awful. Do you still want to be married? Do you still love > her? yes, I do still want to be married with her... just she wants that spark that we once had. I say it not possible. All relationships smoother. I'm now just trying to get the caring back into the relationship. > > > A brief history might help; married 10 years ( 2 kids). I would say > > > the past 7 years have been terrible. We ignore each other. It's like [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > yes, I do still want to be married with her... just she wants that > spark that we once had. I say it not possible. I say it is. And that since this appears to be important to her, you better take it seriously if you want to save your marriage. > All relationships > smoother. I'm now just trying to get the caring back into the > relationship. > > > > A brief history might help; married 10 years ( 2 kids). I would say > > > > the past 7 years have been terrible. We ignore each other. It's like [quoted text clipped - 8 lines] > I say it is. And that since this appears to be important to her, you > better take it seriously if you want to save your marriage. Yep, agreed. Try marriagebuilders.com for starters. (snip terrible story of a marriage) Seven _years_? What have you been thinking? Is that the way you wanted to spend the rest of your life? I'm not excusing her chatting, etc., but you have a much more fundamantal problem. Why did you tolerate seven years of this hostility with a person you are supposed to love, and why have you been modeling this kind of marriage for your children? Is that the sort of relationship you want them to have when they grow up? Take a look at your life. Think about what you _want_ it to be like. Think about what you want your primary relationship to be like. Talk to each other about that, talk to your therapist about that. Try to actively build the sort of life you want, rather than reacting. On Mar 22, 1:25 pm, Doug Anderson <ethelthelogremovet...@gmail.com> wrote: > (snip terrible story of a marriage) > [quoted text clipped - 12 lines] > > Try to actively build the sort of life you want, rather than reacting. hi d, yes... not the kind of marriage I would have liked and I'm aware the chatting is a result. what we're trying to do now is fix the cause. she told me last night it's a lost cause. We both participated in the misery. she concurs. Just I think she went down the cheating path but she denies this and don't think she did anything wrong... am I just looking for someone to agree with me? > On Mar 22, 1:25 pm, Doug Anderson <ethelthelogremovet...@gmail.com> > wrote: [quoted text clipped - 22 lines] > she told me last night it's a lost cause. We both participated in the > misery. she concurs. I'm sorry to hear she says it is a lost cause. Sometimes people can gain a bit of perspective over time, so she may change her mind, but it must seem sort of overwhelming to both of you. > Just I think she went down the cheating path but she denies this and > don't think she did anything wrong... am I just looking for someone to > agree with me? Sure she did something wrong. Though there seems to be plenty of blame to share on both sides in your marriage. If she's going to work on fixing things, she'll eventually have to admit to her part. But you'll have to realize that the two of you designed a situation to _produce_ bad outcomes together. But having me agree with you about this and $3 will buy you a cup of coffee. And in the meantime, if you want some chance on making progress, you may have to concentrate on what led to her internet emotional affair (there everyone: I've gone and used that word again). You might go look at marriagebuilders.com and read about affair there for some perspective on what kind of thinking your wife is engaged in. On Mar 22, 1:25 pm, Doug Anderson <ethelthelogremovet...@gmail.com> wrote: > (snip terrible story of a marriage) > [quoted text clipped - 12 lines] > > Try to actively build the sort of life you want, rather than reacting. also to clarify, it was not hostile.. we just didn't care for each other.. we rarely fought cause we really didn't have all that much to say to each other.. never physically abusive. just an emotional void... which when u think about it... it's pretty sad. > On Mar 22, 1:25 pm, Doug Anderson <ethelthelogremovet...@gmail.com> > wrote: [quoted text clipped - 21 lines] > say to each other.. never physically abusive. just an emotional > void... which when u think about it... it's pretty sad. I think so. I think you are doing what needs to be done so all I can say to that is good luck and I hope it isn't too late to find a relationship worth having between you again. By-the-by I have been with my husband for over 27 years and I can tell you it is more than possible to keep that"spark" going. Set your expectations higher, they're much more likely to be met if you do think they are possible. I do have a general comment, though, about your situation which I think provides a salutary lesson for us all. That is, it's all very well to give up on the emotional and other intimacies of your marriage and decide you can suffer that for the long term but it's too much to expect that the resulting vacuum won't be filled in some external way for one or both of you. If one partner decides they don't have a functioning marriage anyway and assumes this is understood by both spouses then perhaps anger and resentment from the spouse who sees marriage threatening behaviour in the other aren't very reasonable responses in the intellectual sense. They certainly are from the point of view of one's emotions, of course, but I think you should examine what they are based on. For example, the staus quo has been altered and that's frightening. If your wife is on her way out of your marriage you will have to accept that the dull misery of your life that you were prepared to stand isn't acceptable for *either* of you and actually make more of an effort. Also, do you think it's reasonable or even fair for you to say to your wife (in effect) that I don't want a significant part of you that you value and you're not to share it with anyone else, either? But don't take this as me saying your wife was right to do what she has done! However, if she'd been up front about her intentions and given you the option to make things better between you first I don't think you'd have a great deal to complain about if you'd declined to do so. Tai And you shouldn't trust her any more. She is cheating on you, pure plain and simple! If she refuses to stop, then I think it's time to walk out. > would like some opinions on my marriage. It seems as though she's having an emotional affair of sorts, pretty common nowadays, not right though. What has to be determined is she willing to quit her exchange completely with this man? At the same time you need to determine if she does so in favor of your marriage, with time can you trust her again? Ten years - 2 kids, if you're unable to trust again - then you're throwing away a great deal.  SignatureSD:) Trust is the foundation upon which ALL of a marraige is built on. If there is no trust, then your marraige is doomed to fail - it is a quesiton of WHEN not if. Having said that, one of the other posters hit the nail on the head. After seven years of crap, it is time to put-up or shut-up. I would suggest couples counselling. The two of you clearly have issues, and if the BOTH of you do not unearth and address these issues, then your marriage will, indeed, "go into the sh.tter" as was previously pointed out. >hi all, > [quoted text clipped - 53 lines] > >thanks to all for reading and offering opinions > hi all, > [quoted text clipped - 53 lines] > > thanks to all for reading and offering opinions There is software available that will secretly record all of her chats. You can find it online. Tap your phone too. Don't get caught offguard. If I was you, I would hope for the best, but make plans for the worst. this doesn't sound good. Also, don't cheat on her even if she is doing it. If you split up, that will go against you. The issue should be that your marriage fell apart, not that you cheated. There are websites that show you how to get yourself ready financially and otherwise if you split up. Educate yourself. Don't ever just move out , fight like hell to keep the kids. You won't hardly see them if she gets custody and they will be a weapon against you . They court will use them as an excuse to screw you even if she cheated on you and caused your marriage to fail. Good luck. >> hi all, <SNIP? > If I was you, I would hope for the best, but make plans for the >worst. this doesn't sound good. I can't stress this enough! People who say that plannig for divorce leads to divorce are full of CRAP. It has been my direct experience that I was NEVER sorry for being prepared for "the worst". In fact, being prepared and having a plan of action to set in motion on a moments notice caught my ex off guard a few times. :) If you are prepard for the owrst, and the worst does not happen, then no harm done. If you are NOT prepared for the worst and it happens, then you will at the very least be caught off guard, and more likely will be S.O.L. Trust me on this one! > Also, don't cheat on her even if she is doing it. If you split up, >that will go against you. The issue should be that your marriage fell >apart, not that you cheated. YUP! again! It does not matter what SHE does, the courts do not care. But what YOU do 110% matters, and you will be punished for so much as looking at the clock sideways, or wearing the wrong colour tie to court. It has been my experience that courts will look for ANY reason to take your money and give it to her. From this perspective, you ABSOLUTELY must get custody of the children. Then SHE can pay YOU child support. If you are lucky, then the amount of child support she has to pay will cancel out the alimony YOU have to pay. Get that court order for custody ASAP. And whatever you do, DON'T LEAVE. If necessary, wait until she is out, and change the locks. SHE can leave if she is the one who cheated. > There are websites that show you how to get yourself ready >financially and otherwise if you split up. Educate yourself. [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] >if she cheated on you and caused your marriage to fail. > Good luck. > >> hi all, > [quoted text clipped - 42 lines] > > - Show quoted text - Initially, I did fear and was sad @ the thought of a divorce; but now, I've come to accept that if things don't work out, it's the last resort. And I"m totally ok with this now. I did nothing wrong ( on the cheating side) but I do realize that I could / should have made better attempts to keep our marriage better. But I believe it takes 2 so I'm not totally @ blame here. As for the kids, we've discussed in the past (few months now) and should divorce be our future, we both would like to keep the kids together. She's the one that's looking for something else so we agree ( but sh.t happens... ) that she would move out and I would keep the kids for the week and she can see them on the wkends and any other time she likes. I would just hire help. I'm not saying it won't be tough but I'll make it work... have to find a way to make it work for the kids ( and myself).. don't have much choice. We are seeing a theropist now... I realy hope we work it out... for us as well as the kids. 20 years together is a long time. |
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