Family Forum / Marriage / Marriage / March 2007

Sorry...typo

Please specify.

My first idea is to simply not answer their questions. If they insist,
a "that's none of your business" should give them a hint.

If you don't want to hurt your relationship with them, you can then
explain that you like to deal with them, and appreciate their
personality [bla bla bla], that you don't want to be rude, but your
marital life is only your and your spouse's business.

If you don't care about your relationship with the intruder, just
repeat "that's none of your business" again and again

I think just tell thm on their face, "No thanks, this is not helpful:.
If you feel that it is kind of rude to say that, just give the
busybodies a blank look.
It'll give them the same message, "leave me alone and mind your own
business ok".

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If you love these people... ie: family - friends - inlaws.... wow what
a tough dillemma.  Ask them to stop!  And if that doesn't work, well,
Perhaps, going into thier underwear drawer.. right in front of them...
or snooping through thier laundry hamper.. with them beside
you...digging in her purse...  and when they think you've completely
flipped and ask you what the heck you're doing.... you can tell
them... you're invading their most intimate spaces... but you're more
a hands on kind of person...

LOL okay, maybe not such a good idea.
Sometimes, I should just sit on my hands instead of letting them reach
the keyboard.
Good luck :)

LOL....that's quite a range to choose from....bored with their own life or
suffering from "extreme" mental problems?

Gee, can you give some specific examples of the intrusive behavior? It would
be impossible for anyone to judge or offer useful advice without knowing
more specific circumstances.

Kimmy

As DrPhil says (no relation), the only person you can control is
yourself. (And, actually, I stumbled upon this discovery myself,
independent of DrPhil, kind of like Watson and Crick and the spiral helix.)

So, I would pay attention to how much of your marriage you are exposing
to these people who are causing you problems, and what you are doing
that makes it possible for them to inject themselves into your personal
life. You don't give any specifics as to who/how. But if it is, for
example, the classic meddling mother-in-law situation, I'd start with a
sit-down with your spouse to discuss plugging the leak from the inside
rather than trying to patch it closed on the outside.

E.g., instead of trying to get your MIL to stop telling you how to solve
all your problems, you simple stop letting her know about your problems
in the first place.

I had conversations like this with my brother regarding his marital
issues.

He thought my late father had no business in his personal life.
However, my brother was completely irresponsible with money, and
constantly went to my father for bail outs. I told my brother, you
stand on your own two feet, you take care of your own business, then
it IS your business. If you are taking help from other people, you
make your business their business. i.e. no loan or other bail out
(could be non-financial like a place to stay) comes without strings.
If you are availing yourself of other people's resources, yeah, they
do have a right to ask questions, offer advice, and have some
expectation you are going to get your problem straightened out.

The other thing my brother did was tell my dad stuff that made my jaw
drop. If you don't want people to comment, don't tell thm private
things. Zip your lip. If they ask about things that are over the
line, you can politely change the subject, deflect the inquiry, make a
joke out of it (i.e. give them an incredulous stare and let them know
where the boundary is). My brother would volunteer details of domestic
chaos and conflict that would really distress my father, and then my
brother would get all upset if my dad said anything. Just shut up!!

We've never had a problem with anyone sticking their nose into our
marriage, since we've always kept our challenges between the two of
us, and looked after our own situation.

M.