Family Forum / Marriage / Marriage / March 2007

On Mar 28, 2:26 pm, veggie...@hotmail.com wrote:

... And if a cute girl would have sent him pictures of her half naked
along with an invitation to visit her appartment, what would he have
done? Did you ask him the question?

I'm sure that your husband is a nice guy, he would have replied "Thank
you for your photos - I appreciate that you share them, I appreciate
that you sent them, but I didn't look/open any of them. I am a married
guy and I just did an experiment. I find your response very
interesting from a scientific standpoint. As your realize now, I am
married and as such I have to decline your invitation. Thank you for
your time"

You see, there's really nothing to worry about.

Or maybe he could have replied ... oh, no, I don't see what else he
could have possibly replied. Nevermind.

On Mar 28, 2:26 pm, veggie...@hotmail.com wrote:

In any case, he lost some of the trust you had in him.

I don't know to which extend he lost your trust. Or to which extend he
misbehaved (versus you making too much of a big deal out of porn).

But if he is trully sincere and has nothing else ot hide, I would
propose hime to give you access to all of his emails, answering
machines, mail [...] and expect you to check those.

If you unecessarly made a big deal, you will quickly realize it, and
trust him again and apologize for not trusting him.

Whereas if he refuses this deal, or if he has an medium of
communication that he hidded from you, or if you notice activities
that may not be as innocent as the one you mentionned, well ....

Don't waste your time and energy with anger. Whatever led to his
actions, the bottom line is a character flaw. Considering that he sees "
just looking around" as no "big deal," tells me that, in addition to
lacking character, he is also very immature. This is a sad situation.

I urge you to practice the safest possible sex with this guy. Examine
the history of your marriage and try to learn your role in the
development of this mess. Bear in mind, it might have been something you
didn't do and/or something you did. I'm accusing you of nothing: only
saying that there are two sides to every story, and if you made any
mistakes, you won't want to repeat them.

I can understand your feeling hurt, but getting angry won't help at all.

I consider divorce a sad thing, and to be avoided whenever possible. But
let's face it, a spouse without character is not only unfortunate, but a
real liability.

Be kind to your self.

_________________________
Some trees are ever green.

How about this. Bring up the ol' web browser and do a google search
like "<where-ever-you-live> area divorce lawyer" and leave the results
on the screen for him to find. When he asks you what you were doing say
"It's no big deal, just looking around"

I met my husband via newpaper personal ads (20 years ago, before the
internet). However, we were both single and looking.

No one posts an ad without expecting/hoping for a response thats
interesting, and then..... and then?????

Not good. Sorry, but married people don't get to advertise and browse
or correspond with strange women. Its disrespectful, its threatening
and upsetting, its a betrayal of trust, its playing with fire in every
direction.

Secret stuff is dishonorable stuff. I'd be getting into counselling
stat. Something's up.

Mary

Is this the same husband that wanted to be a woman a couple of years ago?

On Mar 28, 2:26 pm, veggie...@hotmail.com wrote:

Hey, presumably the dude hasn't cheated yet - and presumably, he
didn''t cheat for the past 7 years.

I think that divorce is a little bit extreme at that point.

Safe sex is good - it's better to be safe than sorry.

Now, I do believe the guy needs to be shaken quite a bit to behave
responsibly. So, the google idea is good (leave the divorce result
page open for him to find). Counseilling is good. [...]

At this point, I would focus on shaking the dude rather than finding a
way to leave the boat.

On Mar 28, 11:26 am, veggie...@hotmail.com wrote:

Hi there.

I have been in this boat and they say hindsight is 20/20 so I'll give
you some of my hindsight.
Yes you have reason to be mad, probably more hurt than anything.
He probably does think it is a big deal but is saying it's not to
cover his arse and try to convince himself that it's not.  He might
work harder to hide things like that from you in future.
It takes a long time to gain the trust back.

Ask him:  how would he feel if he found a personals add that YOU had
placed?  Chances are, he wouldn't be very happy.
My husband and I do this a lot... not place personals ads, but try and
put ourselves in each others shoes.... it's something that people
don't do enough of, and if they forget to do it ahead of time, and are
willing to do it after the fact, that's a good thing too.
If you want to stay happy, you need to forgive him, add a little
spice.. respond to the ad!
He's obviously looking for something... heck who knows... maybe he
needs a spanking.  LOL
Marraige is a team effort... so ... you both do what's needed for the
betterment of the team.
Good luck :)