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Family Forum / Marriage / Marriage / March 2007married 6 years
Okay so I new. So hello all. I have been married for 6 years. Got married young while in the Navy to a fellow Navy man. We had two kids. Upon getting out of the Navy my husband and I decided it would be best for me to go back to my home state with the kids and go to nursing school so he could get out shortly after. Well that was 18 months ago, and since I moved back home I have caught my husband in 3 questionable relationships with other women, but since I am not there I cannot really find out exactly what happened. I have always told him I would not be as hurt if it was just sex rather than sharing your emotions with another. So with each case I lost more trust in him and some of the faith I had in our marriage. I confronted him with each and he always says it was just something stupid, or we were just talking, and I was just kidding. I now keep tabs on all phone calls, emails, myspace messages, and bank transactions. I have not found anything recently, but I figure that is because he is supposed to come back with his children and I in 4 months. Okay Okay here is the question. I recently found myself becoming involved with a man. It was completely sexual without us having sex (if that makes sense to anyone). It was all talk. I stopped it right away. I am caught in a bind, because I feel as though I am giving up on my marriage. Completely my fault because it is my choice, but I just can't help the fact that I feel as though my husband turned his back on me and I do not know how to get over it. I want our marriage to work I just don't know how!!! Help me understand what I should do to get my long distance marriage back on track!!!!!!!! > Upon getting out of the Navy > my husband and I decided it would be best for me to go back to my home [quoted text clipped - 6 lines] > involved with a man. It was completely sexual without us having sex > (if that makes sense to anyone). It was all talk. I really feel for the people in the service. I wonder what the infidelity rate is amongst the men and women of the Armed Services. Must be disproportionately larger than the general public. Tough dray of the cards..  Signaturethepixelfreak >> Upon getting out of the Navy >> my husband and I decided it would be best for me to go back to my home [quoted text clipped - 11 lines] > Must be disproportionately larger than the general public. Tough dray > of the cards ^^^^ draw Signaturethepixelfreak > I have always told him I would not be as hurt if it > was just sex rather than sharing your emotions with another. First, BIG mistake ... but setting that aside and giving credibility since you knew what you were doing when you said that... You're not suppose to get hurt as long as his actions were motivated by sex. And, it seems your actions were motivated by sex as well. So, it seems "you've changed your mind" about what's tolerable after letting the horse out of the barn... and feeling the marriage is failing, why? >Completely my fault because it is my choice, but I just can't help the fact >that I feel as though my husband turned his back on me and I do not know how to get over it. Surprise..:) you've realized that infidelity in the name of "sex only" can have dire consequences to a marriage, and ya want to take back what you said early on, right? Sorry... all you can do is have a sit down with him and re clarify your feelings, good ones and not so convenient ones for his adventures; and, demand he clarify his. Tell him in no uncertain terms, NO MORE - not even the slightest miscue will be tolerated. Marriage to you means monogamy, pure and simple. If he can't get behind that - then you had better walk away now. Mind you, I don't' tell people to walk away from their marriage easily. But, you're the one that let the horse out of the barn by saying it was ok. Now, you got to corral the horse and put him back in the stall in no UNCERTAIN terms. SignatureSD:) On Mar 28, 10:11 pm, hayesjlee2...@yahoo.com wrote: > Okay so I new. So hello all. > I have been married for 6 years. Got married young while in the Navy [quoted text clipped - 25 lines] > Help me understand what I should do to get my long distance marriage > back on track!!!!!!!! Well passive agressive yes you should be mad. What would he do if rolls are reversed? I guess you must of been married younge if you dont understand just how wronge this is! He promissed every thing you did but hes not holding up his end of the deal. The looking around should of been done before he said I do. The longer you let this behavier go on the worse stunts he will pull. > On Mar 28, 10:11 pm, hayesjlee2...@yahoo.com wrote: >> Okay so I new. So hello all. [quoted text clipped - 50 lines] > should of been done before he said I do. The longer you let this > behavier go on the worse stunts he will pull. The only thing we know is that it HER who isn't holding up her end of the deal. All we know is that she's got suspicions. That's it. Okay let me rephrase. I know he had a 3 month relationship with one of the three girls. I do not know if they were intimate with one another. My guess is yes. He told this girl he was not married or in a relationship. That he had two children, but that their mother left and he did not know where they were. And during this time while he was blowing four grand a month and not paying any bills, just sending me 800 a month, I felt that there was more seperation than the 2000 physical miles between us. I was struggling working full time as a Medical Assistant, in full time nursing school and being a single mother to two children as I tried to give my husband love, support and attention long distance. It was at this time I used my resources to investigate what was going on. I did confront him and he did admit that something happened that was inappropriate, but would not tell me to what level. It was the point when I found out this information that I began to feel as if he turned his back on me. I did try harder with him and let him know how badly I was hurt, just as I had done after the first and second incident. Initially the first two time he showed some remorse and then went right on to do it again. He is still showing remorse, but I feel that it is just due to the fact that he is about to come home for good that he feels he needs to straighten up his act. I did stop things with the other guy I believe at the point when i began to feel like it was revenge against my husband. To hurt him as he hurt me.... But then I realized that before this stuff happened I was totally into my husband and I would never be able to forgive myself if I took it any further. I am, always have been and always will be completely honest with my husband. I am tired, frustrated and unable to concentrate on wording my feelings so i hope this helps all to understand the situation a little better. > Okay let me rephrase. I know he had a 3 month relationship with one > of the three girls. I do not know if they were intimate with one [quoted text clipped - 15 lines] > me > to what level. Then he's an a-hole IMO. > It was the point when I found out this information that I began to > feel as if he turned his back on me. I did try harder with him and [quoted text clipped - 16 lines] > my feelings so i hope this helps all to understand the situation a > little better. It would be hard to judge you harshly if you did stray in the face of all of this, but still, lack of honesty is still lack of honestly. In the end, no good can come of it. >Help me understand what I should do to get my long distance marriage >back on track!!!!!!!! Start by getting into the same place. Seriously, he's coming back in 4 months, right? And is that back for good, or what? Keeps tabs on what you need to while he's gone, stop having inappropriate conversations with other men, and as soon as he gets back, start going to counseling and working on rebuilding the relationship. It is incredibly difficult to rebuilt a marriage that's in trouble when you're not in the same place. > Okay so I new. So hello all. > I have been married for 6 years. Got married young while in the [quoted text clipped - 19 lines] > is because he is supposed to come back with his children and I in 4 > months. 1) Having "just sex" with another is terribly damaging to any worthwhile relationsionship. 2) So far, you've posted nothing to convince me that he's guilty of anything, and so you're playing with fire to spy on him like that. > Okay Okay here is the question. I recently found myself becoming > involved with a man. It was completely sexual without us having sex [quoted text clipped - 7 lines] > marriage > to work I just don't know how!!! You really do have to get your act together. You've got no evidence to sugges that your husband did much of anything wrong even though you basically gave him a green light, and now, you're the one who's been involved with another man, but yet you think that your husband turned your back on you. This is exactly what's wrong with so many today. You really do need to return to basics. There's something terribly wrong with playing around with your marrigage vows. You, and possibly your DH need to understand what it means to be faithful to a committed relationship, or you should not be in one. This new age thinking that sex is just sex, or that there's any good or justifiable reason to have an affair, or that there's any excuse to have any king of sexual or romantic relationship with anyone else is just plain stupid. 1) Lose that thought and resolve yourself to the fact to stay away from other men. 2) Make sure your DH does the same. > Help me understand what I should do to get my long distance marriage > back on track!!!!!!!! See the above, and lose all this new age thinking. |
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