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Family Forum / Marriage / Marriage / April 2007I am beside myself......again.
Hi Everyone I am new to this group unfortunately. My story is probably one of many along the same line. I have no one to really talk to and some unbiased opinions would help. I will be married eighteen years (hopefully) this October, have three children, 15, 12 and 7. My wife has been having an affair on and off with a co-worker for about two years. Prior to that she had a short fling with a friend of mine. I know up front she sounds like a slut and I sound like a spineless jellyfish, maybe so. I believe this all started with the death of her mother about eight years ago. There was alot of resentment on her part because they didn't get along for many years and only reconcilled on her death bed. She has carried that guilt ever since. The affair with my married friend was brief, only a couple of months. He is older and well off financially. I think she saw a father figure in him. When I confronted him with it, he admitted to it and also told his wife after breaking it off with my wife. After councelling he and his wife are still together and after years I have found it in my heart to forgive him. My wife was devestated as she thought he would leave his wife and marry her. He never had any intention on marrying her. She was acting like I and my children didn't exist. More recently she has been having this on and off affair with a person she works with. They both work in a professional setting. I found out early on (about two years ago) by monitoring her emails. I confronted her and him about it. I told him to go home to his wife and kids and work out his problems. He agreed and apologized for everthing. His wife never found out. Lately they have been going hot and heavy meeting for sexual encounters while her friend covers for her. She has told me that she does not love me any more but wants to stay married for the kids. She denies that their is anyone else. We have not had sex in over four months but still sleep in the same bed. She will not let me see her unless she is fully clothed. At times she will talk to me like there is nothing wrong and other times snap at me and give me dirty looks. I do all the cooking and some of the cleaning. She drives a vehicle that I pay for. I have my paycheck direct deposited every week without question while she cashes hers and uses only what is needed for the kids and any utilities that may be in danger of being shut off. She says that I need a hobby and should not be so fixated on her. After last night's escapade and subsequent email depicting how she was glad she let him have anal with her... I had enough. I emailed him telling him that I have known all along about their relationship and wanted to know if I should tell his wife or is he going to. Or is he going to break it off with her permenantly. Yeah I know I should have left her a long time ago, but I truly love her and want to work things out if at all possible. Everyone thinks we are the perfect couple. The thought of not seeing my kids every day is devestating. They are the only reason I haven't called a lawyer yet. I also have nowhere to go with none of my family being in state. I won't impose on my friends. Does anyone think I have a snowball's chance in hell of saving this marriage or am I just putting off the inevitible. There are so many other things I want to write but I will save that for another post. Your comments are desperately needed. > ... I will be married eighteen years (hopefully) this October, have > three children, 15, 12 and 7. My wife has been having an affair [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > jellyfish, maybe so. I believe this all started with the death of her > mother about eight years ago... ----------------------------- Your wife has the morals of an alley cat and you're enabling her by keeping her litter box clean. You're a chump (not a jellyfish). Look up "cuckold" in a dictionary and you'll see a picture of yourself. ------------------------------ > She has told me that she does not love me any more but wants to > stay married for the kids. She denies that their is anyone else. We > have not had sex in over four months but still sleep in the same > bed. She will not let me see her unless she is fully clothed...<snip> When a spouse stops letting you see their body, its over. Its time to put your /hopes+dreeams/ aside and deal with reality. Stop living in the past. You do not have a marriage.there is no hope, and she has moved on. Gather the shreds of self-respect and pride you have left and find another place else to sleep, even if its only a futon you put in another room. You can continue to fake it for the kids, but they are not stupid. They will likely look down on your for living a lie. I have 4 cousins who grew up in a home like that, and they all knew. You (and they) deserve better. Life is short enuff as it is, and you are not going to live forever. In the ST, there will be hardship and pain, but in the long run, you will find a better life. =R= all be a better place. > <brianchen...@comcast.net> wrote: > > ... I will be married eighteen years (hopefully) this October, have [quoted text clipped - 30 lines] > long run, you will find a better life. =R= > all be a better place. What Rog said. But get yourself ready for all that is to come if you go the divorce route. Maybe get your own counselor and start moving on. A. On Sun 15 Apr 2007 11:19:25p, wrote: > I am new to this group unfortunately. sorry, it's very late here and I should be in bed so I didn't read it yet. However.... I just thought I'd let you know this group is NOT private and it looks like you're using your real email addy. BAD idea for a multitude of reasons. I would suggest before you leave thisout there for long.. go to google, ask them to remove it ASAP... Then.. repost using a throw-away hotmail, gmail or yahoo email addy with a pseudonym.. otherwise, anyone that uses google for a search engine could plug your name in, and up will pop this post. This means your wife, your friends, neighbors, even future employers. Do this.. do it *right now*.. no time to waste on this. On Apr 15, 8:19 pm, brianchen...@comcast.net wrote: (snip) > Does anyone think I have a snowball's chance in hell of saving this > marriage or am I just putting off the inevitible. I'm very sorry to hear about your painful experiences. In answer to the question you ask above, I have a hard time seeing a useful strategy that might save your marriage. It might be worth your while to spend some time at marriagebuilders.com, which is a generally useful site, and has lots to say about affairs. > On Apr 15, 8:19 pm, brianchen...@comcast.net wrote: > [quoted text clipped - 10 lines] > marriagebuilders.com, which is a generally useful site, and has lots > to say about affairs. Seconded. Read up on Plan A and Plan B. Plan B is where your wife gets to find out what it is like to only have her lover to meet her needs, as opposed to both of you. Oh, and don't *you* move out. You're not having the affair. You stay there with the kids and let her discover the joys of single life in a crappy little apartment. > Oh, and don't *you* move out. You're not having the affair. > You stay there with the kids and let her discover the joys of > single life in a crappy little apartment. I concur. I will amend my remarks to say that the house is too valuable an asset for the OP to physically abandon, until its use or disposition has been adressed, either by agreement or by the court. But sleeping in the same bed under these conditions is too stressful. If she won't leave the house, one of them should find another room in the house in which to sleep. =R= Dear Brian, Can truly understand how you feel. The problems in life have various dimensions and we normally look into the physical and psychological aspects. The spiritual aspects or the spiritual dimension is not looked at all. But once we try to have an insight into the spiritual dimension many of the things get clearer. Forwarding a link on spiritual causes of difficulties in life. http://www.spiritualresearchfoundation.org/spiritualresearch/difficulties/Spirit ualcauses_unhappiness.php In order to get strength to go through the situation that you are facing, you can start with a simple but powerful tool of chanting the Lord's Name as given in the below link. http://www.spiritualresearchfoundation.org/aboutspiritualresearch/chanting/index .php?print=yes Bliss to you and all. Seek Divine http://groups.google.com/group/alt.support.marriage/browse_thread/thread/30125cc 30c060f12/920c4c2855f9d345#920c4c2855f9d345. On Apr 16, 7:19 am, brianchen...@comcast.net wrote: > Hi Everyone > [quoted text clipped - 61 lines] > other things I want to write but I will save that for another post. > Your comments are desperately needed. > Hi Everyone > <snip> > I will be married eighteen years (hopefully) this October, have three > children, 15, 12 and 7. My wife has been having an affair on and off [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > I know up front she sounds like a slut and I sound like a spineless > jellyfish, maybe so. <snip> > The affair with my married friend was brief, only a couple of months. > He is older and well off financially. <snip> > My wife was devestated as she thought he would > leave his wife and marry her. <snip> > More recently she has been having this on and off affair with a person > she works with.<snip> > She has told me that she does not love me any more but wants to stay > married for the kids. She denies that their is anyone else. We have > not had sex in over four months but still sleep in the same bed. She > will not let me see her unless she is fully clothed. <snip> > subsequent email depicting how she was > glad she let him have anal with her... I had enough. I emailed him > telling him that I have known all along about their relationship and > wanted to know if I should tell his wife or is he going to. Huh?? Come on man. Leave this woman now!! Tell her you will fight tooth and nail for full custody of your children.  Signaturethepixelfreak > > Hi Everyone > > <snip> [quoted text clipped - 22 lines] > Huh?? Come on man. Leave this woman now!! Tell her you will fight tooth > and nail for full custody of your children. I don't know what state you live in, Pixel, but it would be unlikely for a woman to lose custody of her children under the circumstances. Indeed, the older kids will be asked who they want to live with in most places - and the idea that the sibs should stay together will appeal to the court. Having affairs and divorcing is not grounds for losing one's children - not in most states in the US anyway. A. > -- > > thepixelfreak >>> Hi Everyone >>> <snip> [quoted text clipped - 30 lines] > appeal to the court. Having affairs and divorcing is not grounds for > losing one's children - not in most states in the US anyway. Of course not. It's just too commonplace today. On Apr 16, 6:35 pm, "Bill in Co." <surly_curmudg...@earthlink.net> wrote: > >>> Hi Everyone > >>> <snip> [quoted text clipped - 32 lines] > > Of course not. It's just too commonplace today. Exactly. And the law holds that no one shall be punished for refusing to have sex with a spouse while gladly having sex with not-a-spouse. And I agree with it. I will not be made to keep to one partner by law - I have to love them, respect them, honor them, etc. - in my heart. So, we're going it without the state - and that's a good thing. Interesting to watch people try to get their heads around it though - it is a new world, but I don't see it as dolefully as you do. It's temporary flux, and some of us have a more orderly and happier existence than in the old regime. (I'm not populist, nor a democrat, etc.) A. > Hi Everyone > [quoted text clipped - 61 lines] > other things I want to write but I will save that for another post. > Your comments are desperately needed. You only live once. It is probably hard to keep up your self esteem, but you are better than this. You deserve better than this. You may not realize it, but your children must know that your relationship with your wife isn't what it should be. You don't want your children to grow up thinking that they should settle for the life that you are living. I don't think it will get you anywhere to tell the man to leave your wife alone. It will only be a matter of time for her to find another one. You need to be strong. You need to tell your wife that you are not going to put up with being treated like this. Tell her to leave. You deserve better. I might still feel love for her, but she doesn't. You should not live your only life like this. On Apr 15, 8:19 pm, brianchen...@comcast.net wrote: > Hi Everyone > [quoted text clipped - 61 lines] > other things I want to write but I will save that for another post. > Your comments are desperately needed. Hey Brian - Calliope is right about the email, but don't worry too much. A quick internet people search reveals there are thousands of Brian Chens. A. > - Calliope is right about the email, but don't worry too > much. I am afraid I saw that late last night, and possibly scared him off. I hope not.. :(.. > Does anyone think I have a snowball's chance in hell of saving this > marriage or am I just putting off the inevitible. There are so many > other things I want to write but I will save that for another post. > Your comments are desperately needed. I'm sorry but this doesn't look hopeful for you and I'm not sure why you'd even want to stay with this woman who treats you so badly. It's one thing for a spouse to have a single affair from which the couple is able to recover but it's quite another for her to become chronically unfaithful and abandon your relationship in the process. If you can be happy to live like room mates and pursue your own private lives separately then I suppose that's something you can choose to do but you don't have to accept it via unilateral decision made by your wife. I think you should start seeing a counsellor to help you sort out what you want in your life and give you techniques to help you achieve that and you should also see a lawyer to find out what your rights and responsibilities are in the likely event that you two separate. Do *not* let your wife talk you into leaving the house. Tai > Hi Everyone > [quoted text clipped - 81 lines] > other things I want to write but I will save that for another post. > Your comments are desperately needed. <sigh> You really do need to get on with your life without her. You're horribly outmatched, and you don't stand a chance of ever making this work with her. Things have just gone too far. She has no respect for you, and frankly, you don't deserve any. Get out of this marriage, and then find a woman who's more in your league. SignatureNOTICE: I regard everything which anyone posts in Usenet as nothing more than a work of fiction with no basis in fact or reality whatsoever. Every comment in every one of my posts is nothing more than a useless opinion or a wild speculation, and must never be taken seriously or as having any positive value to anyone for any reasons. I never assume that there's any more to a story than what I have read, no matter what else the author or anyone else may have posted anywhere. Be advised that my remarks are that of an ignorant layperson, and no one should ever base their decisions upon them under any circumstances. >> Hi Everyone >> [quoted text clipped - 89 lines] > you, and frankly, you don't deserve any. Get out of this marriage, > and then find a woman who's more in your league. AllYou!, the Simon Cowell of ASM. >>> Hi Everyone >>> [quoted text clipped - 110 lines] > > AllYou!, the Simon Cowell of ASM. I can live with that. On Apr 15, 11:19 pm, brianchen...@comcast.net wrote: > Hi Everyone > [quoted text clipped - 61 lines] > other things I want to write but I will save that for another post. > Your comments are desperately needed. well iam going threw the same thing i dont no which way to go i have lost all motavation in life i have so much anger and hatered inside me i wont to comfront the pissant that is doing my wife or should i say mutile guys but i love her and want her in my life i gave her 25 years of my life if i was to meet one of her boys i dont no what would happen |
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