Family Forum / Marriage / Marriage / April 2007

On Apr 16, 10:37 am, rfam...@gmail.com wrote:

Maybe, sort of.  If she has _never_ been attracted to you, then it is
hard to see that changing.

On the other hand, other partt of your relationship could be killing
any sexual desire she might be feeling for you.  It is certainly worth
exploring that possibility.    Another thing which would be worth
exploring is why you made the choice to marry someone with whom you
had a horrible sex life.

No.

I think one thing a good marriage counselor should be able to help you
answer is "was she once attracted to you, and did this change?  And if
so, why?"  Based on the answer to that, it is possible thatt a
counselor can find a way to help you two move forward.

On Apr 16, 12:37 pm, rfam...@gmail.com wrote:

In addition to the possibilities Doug mentioned, there is also the
possibility that she has an issue with sex, or with a committed
relationship, or some other underlying issue.  There could possibly be
something about you that bothers her that she's not looked fully at
herself or that she's tried to "sweep under the rug" because she cares
for you and the relationship is otherwise good.  It could be something
as simple as a certain behavior remind sher of someone she had a major
problem with in the past.  Anything like that can cause a reduction in
attraction.

None of us here can determine what the reason is.  It is possible for
counseling to help work through the things Doug mentioned, the things
I mentioned, or any other number of issues.  If you look into
Christian counseling, as opposed to secular, perhaps you could look
for someone who is familiar with Dr. Ed Wheat's writings.  I've found
his books helpful.

Kitten

On Apr 16, 10:37 am, rfam...@gmail.com wrote:

I'm going to try and get you jumpstarted so you don't spend more time
than necessary trying to move into these issues with the marriage
counselor.

Why was it so horrible?  There have to be some reasons known to both
of you.  Does she ever climax?  I'm assuming you do.  Does she know
what an orgasm is?  Was she sexually active with others before she met
you?

 Our

So, did you stop having sex at some point?  When?  Or did you stop
before you got married?  It's very unclear.  Has your wife enjoyed sex
with anyone at all?

These are complex questions.  If your wife has never been sexually
attracted to anyone, that's different than if you are one of the few
exceptions to her otherwise healthy sex life.  Obviously, the two of
you need to be able to talk about this subject openly - and it's a
difficult topic.  A marriage counselor might eventually send you to a
good sex counselor if that's really the problem.

Ask your wife about her earlier sexual fantasies - who she had little
crushes on during adolescence, don't pry too much.  She sounds as if
she might be a victim of sexual abuse.  Have you asked?  If she has
never experienced much of a sex drive, that's a rather different
biochemical situation than if she has.

You might want to check out the Sex Starved Marriage forum over at
www.divorcebusting.com (I think that's the title of the site).  It's
very good at helping people diagnose what might be going on.

She could be a very low drive person and while Doug says "no" to your
question, "Is this an unchangeable biochemical thing?" I'm not sure
that Doug truly knows the answer to that.  There are some people who
are longterm asexual (natural celibates) and if anyone knows how to
change that biochemistry (they usually don't produce much testosterone
- both men and women produce T in order to have a complete sex drive)
easily, I don't know who they are.

There could be medical and hormonal treatments available to your wife,
depending on what the situation is.  She should definitely have a
complete medical check-up.

After that, it's important to ask a host of other questions - but
hopefully this will give you something to work on.

Best of luck.

A>

What made you two get married under such circumstances?  Did you know she
wasn't attracted to you or did you think she was just having troubles
settling into a good sexual rapport with you?

The questions I'd be asking her are whether she feels desire at all. Does
she masturbate? When you have sex is she able to orgasm and has she ever
been able to enjoy sex with you or anyone else?

If it is only that she doesn't fancy you then I don't think marriage
counselling will do you much good. If she isn't attracted to you because
she's been turned off by unenjoyable sex then that does have the potential
to be solved, especially if she still cares for you. The same would be true
if the problem is that you have other relationship issues which preclude her
from being able to see you as someone she wants to have sex with.

Tai

On Apr 16, 1:37 pm, rfam...@gmail.com wrote:

I went through the same thing a couple of years ago and it ended badly
for me.  Not that it will you... I'm just saying.  We went to a
counselor which seemed to help at first but my wife never got on board
with the discovery phase of trying to figure out the problem.  She
never came out and told me she wasn't attracted to me, but she had a
very low sex drive and never seemed aroused.  Eventually things just
broke down between the two of us and now we're divorced.  Looking back
I could have been a more supportive husband but after a couple years,
it just tore me up. I felt I was the only one who really cared.  We're
in new relationships now and have ended up being pretty good friends.
Based on some of our conversations, I think she may still have some
issues, but there are some things we don't talk about... not yet
anyway.  You're on the right track. Never count out counseling. Just
be patient and willing to try whatever she needs (within reason of
course.)

--Brian

On Apr 16, 11:37 am, rfam...@gmail.com wrote:

I just realized I "replied to author" instead of on the message
board.  Sorry about that!

Dear friend,

Your problem does not need any chemical or any thing else. your
problem can be easily solved by LOVE , i.e. TRUE LOVE. if you actually
love you wife, you will be sure capable to help hear to feel fun and
wonderful time during sexual relaton. kiss her with very warm emotions
and you will discover miracles!!!

regards

Omar

On Apr 16, 7:37 pm, rfam...@gmail.com wrote:

On Apr 16, 1:37 pm, rfam...@gmail.com wrote:

I'm sorry you're in the situation you're in. I'm in the same boat. Our
sex life has essentially disappeared. For months now, my wife has
had been experiencing facial pain that leaves her unwilling to have
sex.
Oddly enough, she can work, eat, do chores around the house, and she
doesn't always complain about the discomfort.

The doctors say nothing's wrong, pinched nerve, take Tylenol, don't
sleep
on that side of your face, give it a few more weeks. So what does she
do?
Doesn't take Tylenol, sleeps on the wrong side of her face, totally
ignores
her doctor's other recommendations.

I do believe she has a problem. However, this has gone on for so long
that I'm beginning to wonder if she isn't using the facial problem as
an
excuse not to have sex. I had to push her to go see her doctor in the
first place.

There are other elements in her behaviour (spending more time at work,
increasing emotional/physical distance, etc.) that make me wonder if
my concerns are realistic.

Communicating with her about the 'other elements' is impossible. She
gets
defensive, denies that a problem exists and just refuses to talk. If I
were to
ask her if she still felt sexually attracted to me, she'd either give
me a glib
answer or act like I have a problem for even asking.