Family Forum / Marriage / Marriage / April 2007

Top posting for brevity:  Your GF either has serious mental health
or anger managment issues.  Either way, she needs treatment, w/o
which, it will only get worse.  There is no good reason, not even
great sex, for you to be saddled with someone who is this unstable,
unless you want a miserable future.  =R=

She REALLY said, kick me then?  Are you abusive?  In other forms, I've
heard about some people posing as someone else online or whatever and
really messing with someone's life.

If someone sweet gets kicked enough times by the same person, you
know, she's going to have to stand up for herself.

I was in this relationship once where the guy seemed to want me to be
sweet but when I was he would leave.  When I was a know it all and
told him things like they were, he wanted to jump in the sack with me
although beat me up first.  The psychology of it all was crazy.  I
could never figure it out.  Good sex IS alot to give up, but sometimes
you just have to.

This is very much the pattern seen in abusive relationships.  You didn't
say anything about violence, so that's good.  But she is not behaving in
a healthy way.  I see two possibilities:

(1) sometimes it is possible to simply not let a person treat you badly.
You set boundaries and enforce them.  The perpetrator learns how to
treat you right.

Have you been "training" this girl to treat you badly, for example by
giving in when she ups the nastiness?  Do you leave when it starts?

(2) sometimes it isn't possible - the person is just nasty and can't be
trained.  Then you have to leave.

Hi, Anthony.

Well, this is really common with 16-18 yo's.  Some psychologists think
it's because some families don't really allow kids to show their dark,
needier sides - and when we fall in love for the first time, we start
feeling safe to let out all our feelings - in fact, pop culture and
our own natures encourage us to just "be ourselves."

Everyone has angry or frustrated feelings from time to time - and,
well, an adult doesn't "take them out" on anyone at all - they deal
with them, themselves.  But, when you're in a relationship, you can
sometimes share frustrations and encourage better coping from each
other.

That's what you want to do, and you feel she's not doing her part -
that's she's using you as a whipping post, basically.

First, tell her that.  Tell her you're tired of her taking out
miscellaneous things on you, and you understand she's unhappy and
frustrated sometimes, but that she needs to grow up, use her words,
and keep her anger away from you unless she's actually angry AT you,
in which case, you need to know exactly what it is that she's angry
about.

She probably has no idea.  That's why people in that age group are
hard to be in longterm relationships with.

Each time she takes things out on you or gets in your face or acts
like she wants you to break up with her, you have a few choices, but
they all revolve around distance and boundaries.  You can say things
like, "I'm not sure why you're going all the way to talking about
breaking up, you're usually not like this, I need some space, I'm
going back to my place for awhile."  Then you can make decisions about
whether she calls you when she's settled down or whether she has to
wait for you to feel like calling her - those are two different
strategies.

Then, go back to your place!  Put some distance in there!  Then, you
can move on to, "Gee, we're not spending much time together, because
you keep having snit fits" (if she does) or you can say, "Wow, you
seem to be coping better, I like spending more time with you."

If you end up spending less and less time together (I'm watching an 18
year old boy, who is sort of like a foster kid to me have the exact
same problem with his 16 yo girlfriend - and if I didn't know better,
I'd think you were him) - you'll end up spending time with other
people (including, of course, people of the opposite sex).  It will be
a relationship that is crumbling and breaking up, not one that's
getting better.

But, if she starts to get the message and realizes she needs to shut
down the drama (my own younger daughter finally got it, at about 19),
then you'll be cruising along much better.

Keep us posted!

A.

Walk away...

Sometimes, when contradictions are blatant and ongoing, it's not
emotionally healthy to put to much value on the good when there's a fair
amount of bad to cope with because eventually you'll feel more bad then
good.  

Instead of using the words "give up"; a more positive healthy approach
would be choosing to find someone that's more healthy and less of a
Jeckal and Hyde; unless of course, if you're not admitting theres a deep
unwanting attraction to "hyde."

I hate to tell you but you my want to get out of this realtionship
ASAP,, it is only going to get worse,, she may have some undelying
issues,, that you are unaware of,,how can a realtionship be that
good,, it you are fighting and carrying on like that,, have respect
for your self,, and move on,,you are young,,
NO ONE should ever treat a person with disrespect, or be that
physical,, I have seen it and it is dimoralizing,,
You are just beinging,, learn from this and find someone that respects
you .
Good luck,,
my son married a girl that I thought was a real sweatheart,, and if I
only knew what hell she put him through.. he loves her enough that he
is getting her on her feet and is moving on,,they are better at being
friends than at being lovers,