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Family Forum / Marriage / Marriage / April 2007Don't Repeat My Mistake
My Mom used to tell me: "Don't give all love and money to women". She said this to me many times when I was a kid. She repeated this before the day I got married. My wife came from a small town where she had been living all her life. Back then I saw in her a raw diamond, a beautiful girl in and out. I thought (and I still think) I was very lucky to meet her. Throughout many years I have dedicated all my love, time, money, effort... to make her a successfull woman. I wanted to make her successful because in the event that I was not with her anymore, for any reason, including her dumping me. I knew I had a lot to share with her from my knowledge and experience. My main goal in life was to make her happy and I gave everything without asking anything in return. To make a long story short, after many years of hard work, from both of us, she is now very successful, and I am happy and very proud of her. She owns a successful business, finished her degree, has many important connections, and makes way more money than I do -- many times she has rubbed this in my face. All this sounds good if it wasn't for the fact that many times when we have had an argument, she tells me "I don't need you anymore". Man... you have no idea how bad this hurts. A word of advice: Be careful what and how much you give to women. Anybody else had a similar experience? I hope I'm not alone here... OP wrote: > All this sounds good if it wasn't for the fact that many times when we > have had an argument, she tells me "I don't need you anymore". Man... > you have no idea how bad this hurts. A word of advice: Be careful > what and how much you give to women. Mary G. responds: You know, I just don't get these kinds of problems. You WANTED her to stand on her own two feet, and be capable of supporting herself. No, she doesn't need you financially, which is a crummy reason to stay in a marriage anyway. She's still there, isn't she, so she's staying for the right reasons - she wants to be with you. You aren't her meal ticket, so she must be getting something out of the relationship in other ways, which is the way its supposed to be. I make more money than my husband and its a non-issue. Its not my money or his money, its OUR money. I think you must still have in the back of your mind that you should be the breadwinner or her comment wouldn't bother you. The fact she makes a comment like that must mean this is an issue for some reason, or it wouldn't bug you so much. M. What I have in the back of my head are the words "I don't need you anymore", repeated more than once. I would have never said this to her or anybody else. It's not the money, it's the fact that some women are harsh when they reach their "security point". > I think you must still have in the back of your mind that you should > be the breadwinner or her comment wouldn't bother you. The fact she > makes a comment like that must mean this is an issue for some reason, > or it wouldn't bug you so much. > > M. >What I have in the back of my head are the words "I don't need you >anymore", repeated more than once. I would have never said this to >her or anybody else. It's not the money, it's the fact that some >women are harsh when they reach their "security point". I used to say this to my (ex) husband. The reason why I said this was that the emotional pain that he was putting me through was so great that the only way that I could deal with it was to get some kind of distance, some sort of knowledge that I really had some alternative, that if I had to, I could walk away. What I'm saying is that it's possible that the *reason* why she says that is different than you think (or, of course, maybe it isn't). Maybe she's not trying to make you feel small for earning less money or whatever. Maybe she's just reminding herself that she has options, and maybe she needs to do that. Or maybe not. Have you told her how this makes you feel? The other thing is, some words have very different content for some people than for other people. To her, this may not be a big deal remark, and she may not understand how much this hurts you. On Apr 22, 11:40 am, calzont...@attbi.com wrote: > What I have in the back of my head are the words "I don't need you > anymore", repeated more than once. I would have never said this to > her or anybody else. It's not the money, it's the fact that some > women are harsh when they reach their "security point". One of the things I've told my husband more than once as I've worked to get him to understand that I'm here for the long haul is this: "I don't *need* you in my life; I WANT you here." To me, and to many others, there's a huge difference in being in a relationship because you feel you *have* to be there and being in a relationship because you want to be there, because you love your partner, because you *desire* to be there. It's the difference between doing something you're obligated to do versus doing something you wish to do. Be sure you talk with her to understand her perspective on the situation, rather than projecting your own thoughts and feelings onto her statements She may mean something totally different than what you're getting from her statement. It always helps to clarify. Kitten On Apr 22, 10:40 am, calzont...@attbi.com wrote: > What I have in the back of my head are the words "I don't need you > anymore", repeated more than once. I would have never said this to [quoted text clipped - 9 lines] > > - Show quoted text - Are you a man? Do you have the ability to work for your "bread"? Because women have the same "hearts" as men--Because they are human beings, they also have this desire. A woman may not really desire this, but because of various economy reasons or life situations, getting a job is needed. If you love someone set them free....Then, that is when you "catch" them. So by letting go, you either receive self respect or in some cases you get her back. If you frighten her, she cannot love you. > What I have in the back of my head are the words "I don't need you > anymore", repeated more than once. I would have never said this to > her or anybody else. It's not the money, it's the fact that some > women are harsh when they reach their "security point". Well, do you want her to need you financially or not? If you do, then why did you do what you did? If you don't, then why do you mind that she doesn't? > <calzont...@attbi.com> wrote in message > [quoted text clipped - 8 lines] > why did you do what you did? If you don't, then why do you mind that > she doesn't? What bunny? Buddy? >> <calzont...@attbi.com> wrote in message >> [quoted text clipped - 14 lines] > > What bunny? Buddy? ??????????????? > My Mom used to tell me: "Don't give all love and money to women". She > said this to me many times when I was a kid. She repeated this before > the day I got married. Wy to poison your kid's attitude, lady. > <calzont...@attbi.com> wrote: > > My Mom used to tell me: "Don't give all love and money to women". She > > said this to me many times when I was a kid. She repeated this before > > the day I got married. > > Wy to poison your kid's attitude, lady. Whose "lady"? On Apr 21, 9:30 pm, calzont...@attbi.com wrote: > My Mom used to tell me: "Don't give all love and money to women". She > said this to me many times when I was a kid. She repeated this before [quoted text clipped - 24 lines] > > Anybody else had a similar experience? I hope I'm not alone here... In addition, be "careful" about giving your heart to a man. Men and women are in the same boat, since they're both human beings. We have a tendancy to learn to protect ourselves once we are rejected enough times. I feel for you. I wonder if you have needed to be more straight forward with her. Or at least should have been in the past. When she has reached out, have you received her kindness? Do you know her? Do you accept her as she is? Have you demonstrated behavior that would send her on the alert? Have you heard things from people and believed them instead of asking her? Or have you rejected her altogether in your heart because of the protective case over your heart that tells you that no one could ever love you? Geez... that's a lot of questions but the short answer to all of those is, "yes", and "no" to the last one. Thanks for the support. > I feel for you. I wonder if you have needed to be more straight > forward with her. Or at least should have been in the past. When she [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > your heart because of the protective case over your heart that tells > you that no one could ever love you? > My Mom used to tell me: "Don't give all love and money to women". > She [quoted text clipped - 26 lines] > you have no idea how bad this hurts. A word of advice: Be careful > what and how much you give to women. 1) It looks like you WERE demanding something in return after all. 2) Why do you think your experience would apply to all women? > <calzont...@attbi.com> wrote in message > [quoted text clipped - 36 lines] > > - Show quoted text - Who was demanding something in return? Really, I gave a couple of different options for why women would want to have their own financial independance. So, I'm not sure what you're asking. I've gotten "in trouble" before for saying that my experience is different than other women. More specific please. >> <calzont...@attbi.com> wrote in message >> [quoted text clipped - 49 lines] > > Who was demanding something in return? The OP (you?). It sounds to me like everything you did was predicated on some sort of loyalty to you, or continuing need for you. > Really, I gave a couple of different options for why women would > want > to have their own financial independance. So, I'm not sure what > you're asking. I've gotten "in trouble" before for saying that my > experience is different than other women. More specific please. I could if I wasn't confused. Are you a woman? Is your wife a woman? Of course there are many reasons why most women would want to be independent. But you seem to now have a problem because she tells you that she is. > >> <calzont...@attbi.com> wrote in message > [quoted text clipped - 65 lines] > > - Show quoted text - My sisters a woman. Are you? >> >> <calzont...@attbi.com> wrote in message >> [quoted text clipped - 85 lines] > > My sisters a woman. Are you? I'm your sister. > >> "Luci" <lifeinamir...@gmail.com> wrote in message > [quoted text clipped - 85 lines] > >> you > >> that she is.- > > My sisters a woman. Are you? > > I'm your sister.- ROFL! > My Mom used to tell me: "Don't give all love and money to women". She > said this to me many times when I was a kid. She repeated this before [quoted text clipped - 17 lines] > important connections, and makes way more money than I do -- many > times she has rubbed this in my face. I'd like to hear her version of this story. > All this sounds good if it wasn't for the fact that many times when we > have had an argument, she tells me "I don't need you anymore". Man... > you have no idea how bad this hurts. A word of advice: Be careful > what and how much you give to women. > > Anybody else had a similar experience? I hope I'm not alone here... Misery loves company? You really hope that others have suffered as you have? What do you imagine that says about your outlook on life? - Michaela > Anybody else had a similar experience? I hope I'm not alone here... Yeah, I have a friend named 'enry 'iggins, and I think he went through pretty much the same thing. > calzont...@attbi.com wrote: > > > Anybody else had a similar experience? I hope I'm not alone here... > > Yeah, I have a friend named 'enry 'iggins, and I think he went through > pretty much the same thing. I have to admit I thought exactly the same thing when I read the original post! |
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