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Family Forum / Marriage / Marriage / April 2007Just about had it with my marriage...
I've posted here before about my stagnating (and probably now dead) marriage. I'm almost at the point now where I'm emotionally ready to leave my marriage, even though I have no social supports (no family, no friends) to help me through what is likely to be a very painful time. I sometimes wonder if I'll be able to make it on my own. Even my shrink is concerned that when I leave my marriage, I may just give up on relationships of any kind altogether. Some days I feel like the Biblical figure Job, who is afflicted by a myriad of illnesses and complaints. The way my life is lately could be summed up in an old joke: Job: "God, why have you forsaken me?" God: "I don't know, Job, there's just something about you that pisses me off." Some things have happened in my marriage recently that have pushed me towards the brink. My stepson, who should be old enough to know better, consistently refuses to respect boundaries (uses my stuff without asking, refuses to listen to me, fights with me when I make reasonable requests, consistently leaves messes lying around the house) and my wife defends him - as if he can do no wrong, ever. The kid couldn't even tell you what the meaning of respect is. I've gotten to the point where I've stopped asking him to do anything, and let his mother handle *all* the disciplinary issues. Fighting with him is pointless. Moral of the story: 1. Don't ever have kids. They only f.ck up your life. 2. Don't ever marry anyone who has kids - you'll always end up on the losing side. I've repeatedly asked for family discussions so we can try to hash out these issues, but my wife won't support me in this endeavour. My wife has also taken on a job where she's out of the house a lot. I've been spending so much time alone lately that my world doesn't look or feel much different than it did when I was single -only the scenery has changed. It really makes me think that my marriage is basically over, and neither my wife nor I know how to go about ending it. > I've posted here before about my stagnating (and probably now dead) > marriage. [quoted text clipped - 33 lines] > basically over, and neither my wife nor I know how to go about ending > it. > I've posted here before about my stagnating (and probably now dead) > marriage. [quoted text clipped - 26 lines] > I've repeatedly asked for family discussions so we can try to hash out > these issues, but my wife won't support me in this endeavour. Have you tried posting to alt.support.step-parents? They won't have a magic solution, of course, but might be able to give some insight (though you should know that it is *not* a touchy-feely "oh you poor dear" type group) > My wife has also taken on a job where she's out of the house a lot. > I've been spending so much time alone lately that my world doesn't > look or feel much different than it did when I was single -only the > scenery has changed. It really makes me think that my marriage is > basically over, and neither my wife nor I know how to go about ending > it. > > I've posted here before about my stagnating (and probably now dead) > > marriage. [quoted text clipped - 30 lines] > solution, of course, but might be able to give some insight (though you > should know that it is *not* a touchy-feely "oh you poor dear" type group) Heh. That's an understatement! Truly, Pathfinder, ASS-P is a good group. But it's a no nonsense, "let's look at ever angle of this issue" group. You *will* get your buttons pushed if you go there, but you'll also find understanding and life experiences where you may be able to gleen some helpful insights. Kitten >>> I've posted here before about my stagnating (and probably now dead) >>> marriage. [quoted text clipped - 32 lines] > > Heh. That's an understatement! Right! > Truly, Pathfinder, ASS-P is a good group. But it's a no nonsense, > "let's look at ever angle of this issue" group. You *will* get your > buttons pushed if you go there, but you'll also find understanding and > life experiences where you may be able to gleen some helpful insights. > > Kitten But OTOH, when "buttons get pushed" (so to speak), what that really means is that one needs to look within oneself, and (ideally) work on that internal issue. So, maybe it's not such a bad thing, afterall! On Apr 22, 3:35 pm, "Bill in Co." <surly_curmudg...@earthlink.net> wrote: > >> "Pathfinder" <pathfinder6...@hotmail.com> wrote in message > [quoted text clipped - 51 lines] > that one needs to look within oneself, and (ideally) work on that internal > issue. So, maybe it's not such a bad thing, afterall! Oh, I don't think it's a bad thing - so long as the buttons are examined. :-) Kitten > On Apr 22, 3:35 pm, "Bill in Co." <surly_curmudg...@earthlink.net> > wrote: [quoted text clipped - 35 lines] >>>> Have you tried posting to alt.support.step-parents? They won't have a >>>> magic solution, of course, but might be able to give some insight (though >>>> you should know that it is *not* a touchy-feely "oh you poor dear" type >>>> group) [quoted text clipped - 12 lines] >> But OTOH, when "buttons get pushed" (so to speak), what that really means is >> that one needs to look within oneself, and (ideally) work on that *internal* >> issue. So, maybe it's not such a bad thing, afterall! > > Oh, I don't think it's a bad thing - so long as the buttons are examined. :-) > > Kitten Well yeah! And that's the point. And if they aren't examined, it's probably a lost cause, anyway. On Apr 22, 4:54 pm, "Bill in Co." <surly_curmudg...@earthlink.net> wrote: > > On Apr 22, 3:35 pm, "Bill in Co." <surly_curmudg...@earthlink.net> > > wrote: [quoted text clipped - 63 lines] > Well yeah! And that's the point. And if they aren't examined, it's > probably a lost cause, anyway. Heh. A certain wookie is finally examining buttons, and I'm *very* thankful. > I've posted here before about my stagnating (and probably now dead) > marriage. [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > friends) to help me through what is likely to be a very painful time. > I sometimes wonder if I'll be able to make it on my own. The fact that you have no social support outside your marriage may be contributing to the problems in your marriage. You are relying on your wife for all your emotional support. That is a lot to place on one person in your life. You would probably benefit a lot from developing some friendships and support outside your marriage. Do you have any interests or hobbies that you could pursue to meet people with similar interests? > Even my shrink is concerned that when I leave my marriage, I may just > give up on relationships of any kind altogether. Some days I feel [quoted text clipped - 18 lines] > I've repeatedly asked for family discussions so we can try to hash out > these issues, but my wife won't support me in this endeavour. My wife and I have had lots of fights about parenting. I think that after finances, this is probably the second most common thing to fight about in a marriage. So don't feel like your situation is unusual. It's not. Given that you feel that your marriage is hanging by a thread, maybe you should try to get your wife to go with you for marriage counselling. One of the topics you could discuss with a counsellor would be parenting. Your wife may be more open to hearing advice from the counsellor than from you. > My wife has also taken on a job where she's out of the house a lot. > I've been spending so much time alone lately that my world doesn't > look or feel much different than it did when I was single -only the > scenery has changed. It really makes me think that my marriage is > basically over, and neither my wife nor I know how to go about ending > it. If you want to save your marriage, you need to take action now. Do you and your wife make time to spend together without the kids? If not, you need to set aside time for this. Are there activities that the two of you enjoy doing together? You should commit yourself to making the time to do them. Do you attend church with your wife? Maybe you can find groups to join there. You need to look for ways to re-connect with your wife and have some fun and romance together. I hope you don't let the despair overwhelm you. I know how deep that hole can be, and how hard it can be to climb out of it. But it can be done. One thing about life that is certain is that things always change. As bad as it seems now, you can be sure that it is not going to just stay this way. Don't be afraid to get help for your marriage. And try to find a way to make some friends so you have some emotional support outside your marriage. This is very important. Good luck to you. Be strong and don't give up. > > I've posted here before about my stagnating (and probably now dead) > > marriage. [quoted text clipped - 73 lines] > > - Show quoted text - If you happen to know, what do people talk about at marriage counseling. It sounds awkward . Very. To me. ? > > > I've posted here before about my stagnating (and probably now dead) > > > marriage. [quoted text clipped - 76 lines] > If you happen to know, what do people talk about at marriage > counseling. It depends what their problems are. When we went to marriage counseling, I was unhappy with the lack of emotional intimacy in our marriage. So one of the things we talked about was how I perceived that, how I would like things to be, and what actions I could take to improve that. My wife was unhappy with how I treated her, wasn't sure that she loved me, felt angry with me all the time, and felt like I was angry with her. So we talked about that too, and what things we could do about that. Of course both of these conversations led into many other areas - the history of our relationship, how we dealt with our children, what our own childhoods were like, etc., etc. > It sounds awkward . Very. To me. ? Awkward? Not really. But painful. Nevertheless, consider the alternatives: remaining as we were, or going our separate ways. Either of those would have been far more than awkward. > > > I've posted here before about my stagnating (and probably now dead) > > > marriage. [quoted text clipped - 78 lines] > > - Show quoted text - I suspect that is different for every couple. But in general, I think most couples have issues that they just haven't been able to resolve. Things they fight about over and over. Obviously, they are stuck in a rut and can't get out of it by themselves. That is where a marriage counselor can help them to maybe see things in a new way and find mutually agreeable ways to resolve their issues. It isn't fun. It isn't supposed to be fun. But it is a lot better than wallowing in the anger and misery of an unhappy marriage. >Some things have happened in my marriage recently that have pushed me >towards the brink. My stepson, who should be old enough to know [quoted text clipped - 8 lines] >up your life. 2. Don't ever marry anyone who has kids - you'll always >end up on the losing side. I don't think that's the moral of the story. The moral of the story is, don't marry someone who won't act like she's part of a team. That's the true problem here; your wife is not acting like you are part of the family, in some sense, and she won't talk about it or support you in trying to get what you need out of this. >I've repeatedly asked for family discussions so we can try to hash out >these issues, but my wife won't support me in this endeavour. [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] >basically over, and neither my wife nor I know how to go about ending >it. Perhaps you should say this to her. Perhaps you should say, we go to counseling to figure out how to deal with some of these issues, or we figure out how to end the marriage. > I'm almost at the point now where I'm emotionally ready to leave my > marriage, even though I have no social supports (no family, no > friends) to help me through what is likely to be a very painful time. Why don't you have any support group or friends? > I've posted here before about my stagnating (and probably now dead) > marriage. [quoted text clipped - 23 lines] > up your life. 2. Don't ever marry anyone who has kids - you'll always > end up on the losing side. Pffft! There's a kid in the house, and you expected a picnic? Seriously, take Joy's advice and look at alt.support.step-parents. Before you start posting there, read the group just a bit. Do a search of the archives for that group on kitten + OS, kitten + YD, kitten + Chewy, or any such combination. There are a few other folks there who've got some experiences in the archives that you might want to read. Just go through a few of the old threads to get an idea of what the group's like, then introduce yourself and hang on for the ride. > I've repeatedly asked for family discussions so we can try to hash out > these issues, but my wife won't support me in this endeavour. [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > basically over, and neither my wife nor I know how to go about ending > it. You know, that almost sounds like you don't like her working. Have you tried thinking out why you're feeling the way you are about her job, and then talking to her about it? Kitten >> I'm almost at the point now where I'm emotionally ready to leave >> my marriage, even though I have no social supports (no family, no [quoted text clipped - 8 lines] >> don't know, Job, there's just something about you that pisses me >> off." <snip whining about DSS+DW> You're feeling neglected, disrespected, unappreciated. Poor baby! Guess what? Its all all part of the package that comes with life. Mostly, it sucks, but sometimes, its really great, maybe 3% of the time. Its that 3% that makes the 97% suckiness tolerable. Try raising your threshold of toleration, 'cuz no divorce is going to change that. You will be miserable 97% on the time, so get used to it. =R= > >> I'm almost at the point now where I'm emotionally ready to leave > >> my marriage, even though I have no social supports (no family, no [quoted text clipped - 16 lines] > change that. You will be miserable 97% on the time, so get used > to it. =R= Define reason for suffering. > I've posted here before about my stagnating (and probably now dead) > marriage. [quoted text clipped - 33 lines] > basically over, and neither my wife nor I know how to go about ending > it. GROW UP AND ACT LIKE A MAN, DUDE. TOUGH IT OUT! > I sometimes wonder if I'll be able to make it on my own. Based on what you've written - I suspect you'll struggle big time on your own. Since you referenced the bible - I would suggest you get your arms around it, and read about husbands, fathers, being a man and family leader. Sounds as though your counseling appts are NOT working all that well? >"God, why have you forsaken me?" God hasn't forsaken you - you have forsaken yourself by appearing as though you have no back bone; further reason why others ignore your requests and maybe reason for feeling as though your marriage is falling apart, and nobody supports you wish's. If you don't respect yourself, don't expect your wife and stepchildren to respect you; or for that matter anyone else.  SignatureSD:) |
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