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Family Forum / Marriage / Marriage / April 2007Invisible's Game Plan
Well, I put in motion my game plan this weekend. I think things might be looking up. It wasn't as if he stopped his gaming but I tried to look at things differently. I didn't start any discussions with him about his role as a husband or dad. I just never felt the time was right. On Sat. I suggested we look for open houses (might be moving at the end of the year), and he said ok! We took the 3 kids too and spent a few hours looking. One thing that really upset me was that he told me not to say anything to the realators. He said I say stupid things before thinking and should just keep my mouth closed. It hurt and I said you know some people enjoy talking with me and think I am a fun, entertaining, nice person. I don't think he expected that response. I didn't yell it or sound meek, I just sort of said it matter-of- factly. When we neared the end of the search we came upon a house where I asked what the listing price was, he told me, and it was way more than I thought. He said I was an idiot and should know every reason why this house was that expensive. He said it in front of the kids and that embarassed me. I couldn't respond to that and just trudged up the walkway and went in. I don't know why he needs to talk to me that way. When we got home he put in few loads of laundry (Yea!) and played WOW for the rest of the night. Sun. I had an idea. The outside house color has always bothered me so I went online and found the info for prepping and painting the exterior of a house. I went to the Home Depot and collected what I needed (which took awhile) and set off for home. The kids were up by then, husband still asleep. I was determined not to let him shoot me down and tell me I couldn't do it. When he got up he was a bear. He told me he had work to do online and wouldn't be in a good mood. I kept my project underwraps. Later in the afternoon I started my endeavor. He questioned me and I told him and he rolled his eyes and told me all the things wrong with the idea. The first being that he would not help me. I listened, and as I was so tempted to tell him to go f*** himself I didn't. He went back in and I started my project. We had a surprise visit from the grandparents which was awesome because they took care of the kids for awhile so I really got a lot done. RIght now I am tired and sore but damn it feels awesome!! I mean really great, you know! He played for the rest of the day and night and there was a lot to clean up since the kids ran havoc for the day, so I was pissed that he didn't help clean up a little before playing online. Lastly, I had no time for the big blue, which I was looking forward too. Probably since kids will be at school and husband at work, between painting, I will give myself a little afternoon delight. Now I have 2 things to look forward to, a newly painted house and some well needed release! Vickie (snip story of weekend) Vickie, There is at least one things which is crystal clear from your description of the weekend. He's pissed at you and isn't telling you (or you aren't hearing) why. You're pissed at him and you aren't telling him (or he isn't hearing) why. I'm not necessarily saying that talking about it will help. In fact I suspect if you try to talk about it together right now without outside help, you will both make each other angrier. > (snip story of weekend) > [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > (or you aren't hearing) why. You're pissed at him and you aren't > telling him (or he isn't hearing) why. Seems to me the part you put in parentheses is probably closer to the truth than the other part. I do think it would be hard for Vickie to hear anything other than that he's angry at her because of who she is (how she talks, thinks, etc.) rather than really taking seriously that he thinks she always says dumb things in front of realtors. I wonder if he plays a role in his game where he gets to be in total control of other people's lives. > I'm not necessarily saying that talking about it will help. In fact I > suspect if you try to talk about it together right now without outside > help, you will both make each other angrier. I agree. IIRC, Mr. Vickie hasn't been real amenable to talking about anything at all - much less going to counseling. A. On Apr 23, 4:25 pm, "Atalanta, O.G." <atalanta.brillia...@gmail.com> wrote: > > (snip story of weekend) > [quoted text clipped - 24 lines] > > A. On Apr 23, 8:46 am, ricbarb...@gmail.com wrote: > On Apr 23, 4:25 pm, "Atalanta, O.G." <atalanta.brillia...@gmail.com> > wrote: [quoted text clipped - 29 lines] > > - Show quoted text - I do know he is high on the totem pole in WOW and is regarded highly at work. I wonder if it is hard for him to think he is doing subpar at home. And when he quits the game or comes home from work he thinks he can order us around and thinks we will just fall in line with his "orders". And when we don't he is all hell breaks loose? Maybe he forgets I am a partner here and not a subordinate? Also to Anderson, a year or so ago my husband did try to incorporate my son in WOW. He made a character for him and helped a little. My son was pretty excited. After awhile my husband got so frustrated with my son's continual questions, it all went down the tubes. My son does watch him play occasionally but it usually disolves into a fight, where my son is asking too many questions and husband just says forget it and go away. Husband aquired the headphones about 8 months ago so that pretty much keeps anyone from trying to talk with him while online. I thought it was going to turn out good for them, I was wrong. Vickie > On Apr 23, 8:46 am, ricbarb...@gmail.com wrote: > [quoted text clipped - 49 lines] > online. I thought it was going to turn out good for them, I was > wrong. That's very sad that your husband has so little interest in his child. > On Apr 23, 8:46 am, ricbarb...@gmail.com wrote: > [quoted text clipped - 38 lines] > "orders". And when we don't he is all hell breaks loose? Maybe he > forgets I am a partner here and not a subordinate? Very well could be - learning to distinguish between the roles we play at work and the ones at home is often important in making a family function. I work a lot with cops, and they have real trouble switching (sometimes) between the absolute authority figure they are at work and some other persona at home. Sounds like your husband might be struggling with the same kind of thing - and making it by staying "in the game" so much. Worse from your point of view, that is. He sounds depressed to me. Really. Depressed people narrow down their worlds to super-predictable components if they possibly can. Compulsions and addictions distract them from the dull pain of their depression. > Also to Anderson, a year or so ago my husband did try to incorporate > my son in WOW. He made a character for him and helped a little. My [quoted text clipped - 6 lines] > online. I thought it was going to turn out good for them, I was > wrong. Sounds like much more motherly intervention was need (given your husband's skills and your insight). Have you ever watched (for example) documentaries of Hopi kids learning from their parents? Or Balinese kids learning dancing? Very complex things learned - no questions. All watching, thinking, emulating, watching, thinking. It's a good skill to have in martial arts and in many other areas of life - it's not the only way to learn, but it goes with WoW, if you know what I mean. Junior needed to have some encouragement to continue to interact with dad - but some whispered instructions on "game faces" - it's only polite to be silent while The Master shows the way - that's how dad wants to play it, and why dad got mad, IMO. I doubt their relationship will ever sweeten if you don't do things like that. You're dealing with an absent father. > Vickie >(snip story of weekend) > [quoted text clipped - 8 lines] >suspect if you try to talk about it together right now without outside >help, you will both make each other angrier. I don't think it's pissed exactly, on his part, and I think Vickie's done a remarkable job of trying not to be pissed when probably she should be. I think he treats her with contempt because he can. Not because he's specifically pissed at her, but because he either has no respect for her or because it's a control thing or because it's the way that he was treated and so he thinks it's ok to treat other people that way. And I bet that if she called him on it, he'd be all innocent and explain all of the really reasonable reasons why he wasn't really doing this, he was just giving information (or whatever). And this sort of thing rarely changes once that dynamic has been set without major, major work or something really life-changing. > There is at least one things which is crystal clear from your > description of the weekend. He's pissed at you and isn't telling you > (or you aren't hearing) why. You're pissed at him and you aren't > telling him (or he isn't hearing) why. That's the best possible interpretation of the situation. I'm afraid he is just an a.shole. :-( > > There is at least one things which is crystal clear from your > > description of the weekend. He's pissed at you and isn't telling you [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > That's the best possible interpretation of the situation. I'm afraid he > is just an a.shole. :-( Hey, I just want to say again, I am no saint. I have done my fair share of put downs on occasion and a few name calling when my buttons are pushed, in private. It just doesn't solve anything for me. And before the question is asked, he wasn't like this always. That is why I don't know what changed for him. Vickie > Hey, I just want to say again, I am no saint. I have done my fair > share of put downs on occasion and a few name calling when my buttons > are pushed, in private. It just doesn't solve anything for me. And > before the question is asked, he wasn't like this always. That is why > I don't know what changed for him. Becoming a parent can turn one into one's parents - or the complete opposite. It's funny how that happens. So the question of the day is, did his dad treat his mom this way? My ex's dad treated his mom this way. Yeah, it was true that ex-MIL wasn't the brightest bulb, but ex-DIL was unneedlessly malicious and disrespectful to her. Telling her - in front of everyone -that she was stupid and rolling his eyes at her comments was quite typical. Used to make me cringe, I felt so bad for her. Your DH sounds just like him, actually..... including that ex-DIL was highly regarded at work and in the general community: he was only like that to her in front of family behind closed doors. Sigh... I guess it shouldn't have been such a surprise to me when my ex turned into his dad, shortly after our kids were born. jen >>> There is at least one things which is crystal clear from your >>> description of the weekend. He's pissed at you and isn't telling [quoted text clipped - 9 lines] > before the question is asked, he wasn't like this always. That is why > I don't know what changed for him. Drag him back into counselling, Vickie. I think you have a lot of potential there but your relationship has devolved into a negative spiral of ill-thinking and speaking that will be difficult for you two to get out of even if you both decide you want to. I can see you do want things to be better and you're making changes in the areas over which you have some control (getting on with what you want to do and calmly calling your husband on his behaviour when he's rude to you) but unless he sees a reason to join you in the relationship work you won't be able to get what you want from your marriage. I am guessing that your husband feels stuck in an unpleasant situation but he may have no idea what to do about it other than escape through his gaming. Find out what it is that he dislikes or fears or is uncomfortable with and make that your true starting point. Guessing, again, I suspect he finds the level of intimacy required in a healthy family to be overwhelming. I'm an introvert myself, so I can relate to his not wanting to be terribly social and needing a lot of time to be effectively alone. There are ways to manage that, though, without abandoning the whole family in an emotional sense. If he could see that he does have a problem do you tihnk he could be motivated to look for ways of managing his personality quirk more effectively? Tai > >>> There is at least one things which is crystal clear from your > >>> description of the weekend. He's pissed at you and isn't telling [quoted text clipped - 35 lines] > > - Show quoted text - Hey, Well I have thought about this computer purchase alot. My feelings, which are probably wrong, is that it is payback. I went out and purchased the things to paint the house and was doing it myself. He went out and purchased his computer himself. It is probably way off base but I can't help but feel this way. To Rog., The purchase included two big flat screened monitors (is that close enough to a plasma tv?) Jackass. I did talk to him about it, after the surprise of hearing about it. He said he was really hoping I would have just said OK, I told him I wish he would have discussed it with me and he said he really wished he could feel that he could do this sort of thing without having to discuss it. That he should have a right to spend this kind of money (once in a while) without talking to me first. Before he went online to play WOW I asked if maybe he could find another guild to be in, on that is not as gungho, where he could have his time on the computer but also be more available. He told me he would see less of me because he would be trying to catch up to where he is now. I said not if you just play it leisurly, just have fun with it, and not have to be the best. He said no, he didn't want to do that. I asked if he was getting bored at all with it yet. Again, no. As upset as I was about the computer thing, I tried really hard not to effect the rest of the day. The discussion was over and the deed was done. If I harbor ill will with him I just make myself sick. And he really just lets it all go and moves on, we talked so now everything is okeydokey to him. This is all very confusing and I feel like I am not making any sense. I think I am just tired. Vickie >Well I have thought about this computer purchase alot. My feelings, >which are probably wrong, is that it is payback. I went out and >purchased the things to paint the house and was doing it myself. He >went out and purchased his computer himself. It is probably way off >base but I can't help but feel this way. It's kind of a different league of purchases that some paint, isn't it? If it's *really* payback, then it's more like extreme retaliation. >I did talk to him about it, after the surprise of hearing about it. >He said he was really hoping I would have just said OK, I told him I >wish he would have discussed it with me and he said he really wished >he could feel that he could do this sort of thing without having to >discuss it. That he should have a right to spend this kind of money >(once in a while) without talking to me first. That's a lot of money to spend without consulting your partner, under any circumstances. I'm willing to bet that most people here will say, that kind of money, we talk about it first. >Before he went online to play WOW I asked if maybe he could find >another guild to be in, on that is not as gungho, where he could have [quoted text clipped - 13 lines] >This is all very confusing and I feel like I am not making any sense. >I think I am just tired. You're making perfect sense. But I think that just being nice about it all and discussing it rationally and calmly is going to get you nowhere. As I said ages ago, he's not going to do anything different because he simply has no reason to. [..] > Hey, > Well I have thought about this computer purchase alot. My feelings, [quoted text clipped - 13 lines] > discuss it. That he should have a right to spend this kind of money > (once in a while) without talking to me first. Actually I don't think this is unreasonable in principle. It all depends on your financial situation. If 4k doesn't affect anything in any significant way, then he is not wrong for wanting the freedom to make that decision without discussing it. Mind you, I think adding a computer and two monitors to the household furniture is something that needs to be discussed with a spouse -- regardless of cost! > [..] > [quoted text clipped - 19 lines] > on your financial situation. If 4k doesn't affect anything in any > significant way, ????? What planet are we on? > then he is not wrong for wanting the freedom to make > that decision without discussing it. Mind you, I think adding a computer > and two monitors to the household furniture is something that needs to > be discussed with a spouse -- regardless of cost! [...] > Before he went online to play WOW I asked if maybe he could find > another guild to be in, on that is not as gungho, where he could have [quoted text clipped - 13 lines] > This is all very confusing and I feel like I am not making any sense. > I think I am just tired. Your making perfect sense but what you've described is a situation where one spouse is not prepared to move so much as a millimetre towards the other. He's implacable! So, at this point it looks like you have two choices - shut up and put up with it or remove yourself from the situation. I wouldn't go buying a new house at this point, if I were you, I'd be looking for ways to create some finacial independence. Honestly, what do you find lovable about this man? Your memories of what he *used* to be like? They won't keep you warm for the rest of your life. Tai > So, at this point it looks like you have two choices - shut up and > put up with it or remove yourself from the situation. I wouldn't go > buying a new house at this point, if I were you, I'd be looking for > ways to create some finacial independence. Honestly, what do you > find lovable about this man? Your memories of what he *used* to be > like? They won't keep you warm for the rest of your life. No, she has more choices than that. She may not be able to change him, but she can do what she needs to do to make her life happier despite him. She's made a good start of it already -- her painting project brought her happiness and a sense of accomplishment. She can work on letting go of her resentments, not allowing his criticisms to hurt her, and finding activities and friendships that she enjoys. And then in 6 months or a year, she can re-evaluate. Zorra >> So, at this point it looks like you have two choices - shut up and >> put up with it or remove yourself from the situation. I wouldn't go [quoted text clipped - 10 lines] > hurt her, and finding activities and friendships that she enjoys. And > then in 6 months or a year, she can re-evaluate. Uh..... but that *is* "shutting up and putting up with it". Some time in the future Vickie can elect not to put up with a disengaged husband any longer (taking option 2) but unless she regularly communicates her distress over the situation with him what she does to add joy to her life in other ways won't change the fact that she will be accepting his continuing absence from her emotional life. Tai >>> So, at this point it looks like you have two choices - shut up and >>> put up with it or remove yourself from the situation. I wouldn't [quoted text clipped - 17 lines] > > Uh..... but that *is* "shutting up and putting up with it". Perhaps that's what you meant by it, but it sounded to me like you thought her choices were to be unhappy forever or to leave. > Some time in the future Vickie can elect not to put up with a > disengaged husband any longer (taking option 2) but unless she > regularly communicates her distress over the situation with him what > she does to add joy to her life in other ways won't change the fact > that she will be accepting his continuing absence from her emotional > life. We don't really know what the future will bring. It could be that her husband up and quits one day like EB, or that her husband actually responds positively to the changes she makes in her life, or that he runs off with his WOW girlfriend, or that any of a number of unforeseen things might happen to drastically change the situation. Zorra >>>> So, at this point it looks like you have two choices - shut up and >>>> put up with it or remove yourself from the situation. I wouldn't [quoted text clipped - 20 lines] > Perhaps that's what you meant by it, but it sounded to me like you > thought her choices were to be unhappy forever or to leave. Did it? Oh well, I'm glad we got that cleared up then. Tai > Hey, > Well I have thought about this computer purchase alot. My feelings, > which are probably wrong, is that it is payback. I went out and > purchased the things to paint the house and was doing it myself. He > went out and purchased his computer himself. It is probably way off > base but I can't help but feel this way. Are you saying that you feel that *he* felt this way, or are you saying that somehow *you* thought it was more OK for him to purchase the computer because you had just purchased paint? I'd have to say that purchasing something *for the household* that actually INCREASES your property value is not even in the same universe as spending a much larger sum of money on something that decreases the quality of family life. > To Rog., > The purchase included two big flat screened monitors (is that close [quoted text clipped - 6 lines] > discuss it. That he should have a right to spend this kind of money > (once in a while) without talking to me first. Many families have a set dollar amount that either of them can spend without consulting the other, with the exact amount depending on their finances. The question I would ask is whether this is just for him, or if he thinks that you, too, should have a right to spend this kind of money once in a while without talking to him about it first. If it would be OK with him for you to go out and blow $4000 (once in a while) on something that you want, and that is feasible with your budget, then maybe it is OK. If he'd say "no way should YOU get to do this, it is all about ME", then it is absolutely not OK. > Before he went online to play WOW I asked if maybe he could find > another guild to be in, on that is not as gungho, where he could have [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > do that. I asked if he was getting bored at all with it yet. Again, > no. Well, this tells you something, doesn't it. > As upset as I was about the computer thing, I tried really hard not to > effect the rest of the day. The discussion was over and the deed was > done. If I harbor ill will with him I just make myself sick. And he > really just lets it all go and moves on, we talked so now everything > is okeydokey to him. If it were me, I'd go ask him what he thinks about *you* getting to spend a sizeable chunk of money on one of your interests without consulting him. I personally would NOT be OK with a situation where my interests weren't equal to his, and I'd make sure he knew I wasn't OK with it. But that's just me. >> To Rog., >> The purchase included two big flat screened monitors >> (is that close enough to a plasma tv?) Jackass. If I didn't clearly state that he had no business spending that sum of money w/o your approval, I meant to. In my family, I'm the frugal one who tries to put the breaks on my wife's spending from time to time. I comparison shop, while she goes for the most expensive, highest-quality item. I'm a 3 star person, she's a 5 star person. There's trade-offs, but we have a protocol which says that any expenditure over $100 requires joint approval. Its what works for us. =R= > >>> There is at least one things which is crystal clear from your > >>> description of the weekend. He's pissed at you and isn't telling [quoted text clipped - 35 lines] > > - Show quoted text - Hello, I just posted but it didn't come up? Maybe I hit discard? Anyway to give you the jist I had been thinking of what his computer purchase alot. It feels like payback to me. I had bought the paint and supplies and was doing it on my own. So, he felt he could do this without a discussion. I feel like I stepped over some imaginary line. He said he was hoping I would have said ok and been fine with his decision and that he should be able to make a kind of decision without feeling the need to talk about it. Vickie > >>> There is at least one things which is crystal clear from your > >>> description of the weekend. He's pissed at you and isn't telling [quoted text clipped - 33 lines] > > Tai I'm like this too - and my family has had to adjust to my need for solitude. My DH is the same way, and so is YD. It was always harder on OD (DDnow24), who has married into a somewhat more social family (but she still likes her alone time, too). I'm all for Vickie giving him (and the kids) assistance in managing his quirk. I'm guessing that part of what happened is that once he started withdrawing more (and finding satisfaction in gaming), his parenting/interpersonal skills took a nosedive, since raising kids and interacting with them takes a big daily investment - in listening, in asking questions, in helping out. Once you're on that slippery slope, it's hard to recover - and that's depressing, leads to more solitary activity. The kids need to be gently guided to learn to interact with dad when he's available (and without expecting much in the way of answers or fun), and Mr. Vickie needs to give the kids 10 minutes a day of attention to start with - all of it positive, without yelling. Seems to me that's something that Vickie could ask him to do - maybe before he starts gaming, he spends 5 minutes with each child, asking benign questions about their day with a commitment to being kindly and non-critical (even if he wants to chime in with criticisms and suggestions, he really has earned the right to do so - he isn't connected enough). Then, maybe later, Mr. Vickie could commit to another 5 minutes of listening to Vickie talk about the kids and her analysis of their needs, their day. I'm guessing that Mr. Vickie is having a hard time reconnecting with his family, and I'd start with trying to get him to be a slightly better dad. I'd ignore failures on his part (yelling and criticism) for awhile and just try to get him to relate, reminding him to be non- critical and fatherly for a few minutes a day. Something like that. A. > I'm guessing that Mr. Vickie is having a hard time reconnecting with > his family, and I'd start with trying to get him to be a slightly [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > > Something like that. I agree with this plan but unfortunately it won't work without him having at least some small amount of interest in (re-)engaging with his family! Tai > > I'm guessing that Mr. Vickie is having a hard time reconnecting with > > his family, and I'd start with trying to get him to be a slightly [quoted text clipped - 8 lines] > > Tai Right. And I don't see that happening any time soon. A. Hmm...I hit on this group for my own issues.and see one close to mine. I don't play WWO but have another online game that I enjoy playing. Unfortunately you are in a difficult position. Part of the challenge is that you are going to have to face this head on. Private projects are not going to address the issue, though it may help you feel stronger and better about yourself. And perhaps that is truly the best place to start. Raise your importance to yourself, your friends and community. If nothing else, you will have a larger support base if you go to divorce. Do NOT accept being spoken down in front of the kids. As important as it is to not have one parent speak down against another in front of the kids, it feel it is JUST as important for a parent to Stand UP against such attacks and meet them head on. If all the kids see if Dad talking down to Mom and mom just bites her tongue...then it supports the idea to the kids that this is what mom's do and what dad's do. No matter how heated or angry I got with wife, I didn't degrade her in front of others. Ok maybe once or twice, but it was exception to my behavior and not one I'm proud of. I take it from the descriptions of several computers that he has his own computer and you have yours? If so I would caution you regarding playing late into the night when you are in bed. I dont know your husbands libdo, but he may well have other agendas once everyone is considered fully asleep. I moved into this realm several years back after our fights became so bitter...we saw a counselor and things were better for some years...but with highs and lows still. The core issues that seperated us were still there but we found ways to live with them...however any time they surface...it just reminded me that we had these huge differences and that in the end I did not feel fully accepted and could never relax and have that full sense of trust that comes from no secrets. I have not felt love for my wife for some time. I respect her and she is a good person, but I no longer feel that marriage is correct path to follow. I'm not happy being married to her because I cannot be fully myself. Because I have to be with her at home means I am not happy participating in any activity at home, which also means that my patience and ability to be a good father to my children (2) sucks. I try to be patient..but it takes sooo short a fuse or problem to occur and I cant stand to be there...I have to leave or I know I'll lose control of myself and yell or say something to son that he doesnt deserve. His game is his escape, and his buying computer is his way of consoling himself that he is still an individual and calls his own shots...not tied to anything. $4000 vs Paint supplies is a pitiful excuse by anyones ideas. If you want to save marriage, consider intervention conversatons with family members he does love and listen too...His Mom, brothers, sisters, best friends..etc. Dont plan on it being easy...but you have to rock the boat to get some action here. And go into it willing to put everything on the line. Either he gets this out in the air...and stop hiding his feelings...or you file for divorce. Do not accept less. You deserve it and your children deserve it, and honestly - its in his best interest to get if off his chest..his own dissatisfaction can also be eating at himself. If you have tried everything to be nice and get thru to him thru softness and caring and love..and its not working.....then hit him hard enough that he cant breath right away...it will scare him enough to take you seriously and think really damn hard about what hes doing. Get it all lined up. the hours at work, away from family, not there at home for family...etc. That he either step up to the plate and start winning awards for being best damn dad of the year, or you will share his failures with everyone who thinks so highly of him to begin with....but collect names, email addresses..etc. I can be mean and know what would hit me hardest. Guidance Counselor is best, gives both of you safe place to speak...Go yourself first if he wont...when counselor thinks its a good time, get him involved if you can. You should be covered by his insurance policy. I wish you luck, just be prepared to go your own ways....and enlist support if you need to. > I have not felt love for my wife for some time. I respect > her and she is a good person, but I no longer feel that marriage is [quoted text clipped - 6 lines] > lose control of myself and yell or say something to son that he doesnt > deserve. Interesting post. I don't know that this is how OP's H feels, of course. > <I.W.B.C....@gmail.com> wrote: > > I have not felt love for my wife for some time. I respect [quoted text clipped - 10 lines] > Interesting post. I don't know that this is how OP's H feels, of > course. I agree Emma, what I don't get is if he has no love for his wife why not tell her? And I can see on occasion being so upset with her that you might raise your voice to your kids but why is his fuse short with them all the time. They are seperate from his wife (husband is different than father). Could this be how my husband feels?.....not a clue. Vickie >> <I.W.B.C....@gmail.com> wrote: >> > I have not felt love for my wife for some time. I respect [quoted text clipped - 13 lines] >I agree Emma, what I don't get is if he has no love for his wife why >not tell her? Lots of reasons. Doesn't feel like he can leave, for financial reasons, because he has a sense of obligation, because he doesn't want to be alone possibly (even though the marriage is bad), because his family makes him feel like he can't, because he thinks it would be worse for the kids, because he doesn't know how to do it.... and so on. None of these reasons may be *good*, in some sense, but they're all too understandable if you've been trapped in a situation like this. >And I can see on occasion being so upset with her that >you might raise your voice to your kids but why is his fuse short with >them all the time. They are seperate from his wife (husband is >different than father). But unhappy can be all the time, if that makes sense. If you're unhappy enough, you take it out on everyone, even the people who aren't responsible. If you're unhappy enough, you can have a short fuse. Again, it doesn't make it right, but it's all too understandable. >Could this be how my husband feels?.....not a clue. Maybe you should ask him directly. But for whatever it's worth, it doesn't sound to me like your husband's actions are because he's unhappy. They sound like someone who doesn't know how to treat either children or other adults with respect, tolerance and love, not because he himself is miserable but because he's, well, pretty much a self-centered jerk. Maybe he's not, but those are the actions you describe. > >> <I.W.B.C....@gmail.com> wrote: > >> > I have not felt love for my wife for some time. I respect [quoted text clipped - 46 lines] > > - Show quoted text - Yea, good point. I admit to being pissed about something and taking it out on another, but I absolutely know when I do it. And make amends as soon as possible. Sorry so and so I was just pissed about this and you were there. The thing is with me if I am unhappy I always point the figure back at me. What did I do that would cause someone to be upset with me and end up unhappy. Does that make sense? Vickie > > >> <I.W.B.C....@gmail.com> wrote: > > >> > I have not felt love for my wife for some time. I respect [quoted text clipped - 58 lines] > > - Show quoted text - Crap, I sound like a wussy. Forget that last post. Just stick with the yea, good point. Vickie >> > >> <I.W.B.C....@gmail.com> wrote: >> > >> > I have not felt love for my wife for some time. I respect [quoted text clipped - 61 lines] >Crap, I sound like a wussy. Forget that last post. Just stick with >the yea, good point. But that's not the way you sound, not really. You sound like someone who, for whatever reasons, has both a reasonably mature sense of responsibility for your own actions (the good part) and too much of a sense of, well, guilt or something like that, can't really think of the right word. I'm just the same way, or I used to be, and so it makes perfect sense to me. It's not something you should beat yourself up about, or even feel foolish about. But you know, everything in the world is not your fault, and not everything can be fixed by you just being more perfect. Which is not something you can do anyway. > You sound like someone > who, for whatever reasons, has both a reasonably mature sense of [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > everything in the world is not your fault, and not everything can be > fixed by you just being more perfect. I really can relate. I am also a recovering over-responsible person. It is a character flaw, even though it seems so mature and unselfish, because it derives from a need to control everything. It was really quite self-centered of me to think that I could say the right thing or do the right thing and everything - and everyone - around me would fall in line (not that I really thought that but I kind of did). A really good book to read about this is The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. Covey talks about how the more time/energy/emotion you spend in your circle of control and your circle of influence the more effetive you are. The more time you spend spinning your wheels outside those circles, the less you accomplish and the more frustrated you are. This is also a big part of 12 step programs. It is exactly what the Serenity Prayer is saying. > Lots of reasons. Doesn't feel like he can leave, for financial > reasons, because he has a sense of obligation, because he doesn't want [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > all too understandable if you've been trapped in a situation like > this. Not being apart from your children is a powerful motivation. Things would have to be really, really bad before I would consider only having them with me half time. > > Lots of reasons. Doesn't feel like he can leave, for financial > > reasons, because he has a sense of obligation, because he doesn't want [quoted text clipped - 8 lines] > would have to be really, really bad before I would consider only having > them with me half time. To Nina, It is comforting to know other people feel like they are responsible for everyone in their circle. So you say you used to be like that. How did you let go of the reins without feeling the guilt when things turned south? To Kitten, It is funny how the joke thing happens. It just snowballs. You take it on the chin and then that seems to give people full rein to keep going. You said it took 8 years. I think I will try the calm approach and tell him if hurts my feelings. It is just that things are still so screwy now that I feel like if I do that I will get the "You are too sensetive." response or the "You say things like that to me all the time, get over it!" response. To Emma Anne, I don't know if I am a control freak. Maybe? Vickie > It is funny how the joke thing happens. It just snowballs. You > take [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > to > me all the time, get over it!" response. My husband's favorite kind of humor is put down humor, and he gives better than he takes. One of the worst for me is that he thinks it's really funny to bring up mistakes you made 10, 20, or in his mom's case, 30+ years ago. You start off, "Yeah. Ha, ha. Funny." But after awhile it's more like, "Drop it already, okay?" He'd accuse me of being too sensitive or having no sense of humor too. But I just told him over and over that I did not like it, and that it's not funny to tease someone if the person being teased isn't enjoying it. I also told him that these jokes are just really getting old and he needed some new material. Result? Well, he does still tend to do them, BUT he generally follows it up by mocking himself for still bringing up those things that happened so long ago. That takes the sting out of it for me. Zorra > > It is funny how the joke thing happens. It just snowballs. You > > take [quoted text clipped - 23 lines] > > Zorra That is how I feel exactly, when he does the jokes. Same thing, starts out funny than just hurtful. You are right about the not taking it if I dish it out. And if I say hey you just said that same thing to me, he tells me it wasn't the same at all. He can be so confusing sometimes. I second guess my decisions constantly. Vickie > That is how I feel exactly, when he does the jokes. Same thing, > starts out funny than just hurtful. You are right about the not > taking it if I dish it out. And if I say hey you just said that > same > thing to me, he tells me it wasn't the same at all. He can be so > confusing sometimes. I second guess my decisions constantly. Well, I think you should treat him like you want to be treated. If you don't like put-down humor, then don't use it either. I used to try to give back some of what he gave me, thinking he'd see that he shouldn't do it. But like your husband, he never got that it was the same. Better just to take the high road, don't sink to his level, and that way when you ask him not to do it, he can't come back with, "But you do the same thing!" Don't let him make you second guess yourself. If what he says is hurtful, then you have a right to be hurt. And you don't knowingly hurt those you love even if you don't think they "should" be hurt. So just quietly stand your ground. Eventually it won't be fun for him anymore. Zorra > To Emma Anne, > I don't know if I am a control freak. Maybe? I don't know either. I just know that is part of what was going on with me when I was being over-responsible. > >>> There is at least one things which is crystal clear from your > >>> description of the weekend. He's pissed at you and isn't telling [quoted text clipped - 35 lines] > > - Show quoted text - Just seeing if my reply will go through. Vickie > > There is at least one things which is crystal clear from your > > description of the weekend. He's pissed at you and isn't telling you [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > That's the best possible interpretation of the situation. I'm afraid he > is just an a.shole. :-( I'm not really assuming that he isn't an a.shole too - there is certainly plenty of evidence for that. But him being angry at her and him being an a.shole are not mutually exclusive! For example, treating someone with contempt because you are angry at them is certainly a sign of being an a.shole. And whatever he is angry about may be another sign. It also may be the case though that (like Nina said) he treats her with contempt because he can, and doesn't feel angry at her. But some of the exchanges Vickie has described make it sound like he is angry with her (whether he has any reasonable justification for that anger or not). > On Sat. I suggested we look for open houses (might be moving at the > end of the year), and he said ok! We took the 3 kids too and spent [quoted text clipped - 8 lines] > I didn't yell it or sound meek, I just sort of said it matter-of- > factly. Again, the more you talk, the less WoW seems to be the problem. Good for you for not letting his comment get to you. I've said almost those exact words, "Other people seem to feel like I have valid things to say" to my own husband. Keep it up. > more than I thought. He said I was an idiot and should know every > reason why this house was that expensive. He said it in front of > the > kids and that embarassed me. That's something I couldn't let pass. > I couldn't respond to that and just > trudged up the walkway and went in. I don't know why he needs to > talk > to me that way. You need to put your foot down about that. No one should talk to another human being that way, much less in front of the children. How does he think you can do your job and raise them if he's undermining your respect. This is a topic worth bringing up to him at some point when you're alone. > RIght now I am tired and sore but damn it feels awesome!! I mean > really great, you know! I'm happy that you were able to do something which gave you a feeling of accomplishment! > Lastly, I had no time for the big blue, which I was looking forward > too. Probably since kids will be at school and husband at work, > between painting, I will give myself a little afternoon delight. Does he know you have this yet? He might be excited about trying it out with you. Zorra > Well, I put in motion my game plan this weekend. I think things might > be looking up. It wasn't as if he stopped his gaming but I tried to [quoted text clipped - 51 lines] > > Vickie Hi Again Vickie. I'm going to reply back to the entire portion of your letter because I feel the entire section needs to be addressed. First, congrats on your way of dealing with your hubby. It seems you are more positive about situation. Now the harsh stuff...... I usually don't chime in to too many of these letters (google me if you wanna check), but reading this letter has really pissed me off. Your husband sound like a very abusive person. This is WAYYYY past him playing WoW a lot. Why do I think he has a problem? I've been with my wife over 15 years and not once, and I mean, not ONCE did I call her stupid, an idiot or any other name in anger or any mood. I never said to her, don't talk to others because she sounds stupid. When he said that to you, you should have let him know, NEVER CALL ME AN IDIOT EVER or there will be grave consequences! I'm sorry, but stuff like that kinda hits a nerve. I know how upset I would be if someone called me stupid just because I don't know something. You don't know why he talks to you like that. I got an idea, the next time he calls you an idiot, look him straight in the eye and say "Why did you call me that" He'll say "because you asked me something stupid". Then you say calmly "Why is it stupid? Just because I don't know something does that make me an idiot?". Make it so he has to explain himself. You need answers and not because he said so. Make him explain why he need to name call. There is a big difference between answering: "Just because I don't know something does that make me an idiot?" and "Just because I don't know something doesn't make me an idiot" The latter concludes the conversation, the former makes him own the statement and begs the questions for stating it. He's not of the hook for the former. The painting. My wife does stuff like that all the time. The difference is she doesn't want my help most times because she doesn't like the way I paint. I do offer to help and she say only if I REALLY want to do it and I'm stuck just doing the walls and first coat. She insists on doing the detailing. With that said, I don't understand why he was so down on your plans for painting yet wasn't willing to help. Fine, he didn't want to help, but why find fault in doing it? For christ sake, it needed to be done, so lead, follow or get out of the way. I can assume you are selling this house? I would think a freshly painted house looks better on the market! Interesting the granparents visited and you were painting and he off doing....? <hubby thought process> He didn't clean up because that's your job, and you weren't doing your job because you were doing that stupid paint detail that he felt didn't need doing. So it's not his fault cleaning needed to be done. </hubby thought process> I am really glad you are coping, really, I am. Hubby sounds like a real piece of work. Keep doing what you are doing to get you through this. I just want to write and let you know you husband has some serious abuse issues going on here and knowing is half the battle. PS. When was the last time either of you said "I Love You" to each other? EB > > Well, I put in motion my game plan this weekend. I think things might > > be looking up. It wasn't as if he stopped his gaming but I tried to [quoted text clipped - 116 lines] > > - Show quoted text - What kinds of issues. Is there need of help. Anonymous > > Well, I put in motion my game plan this weekend. I think things might > > be looking up. It wasn't as if he stopped his gaming but I tried to [quoted text clipped - 116 lines] > > - Show quoted text - To EB, It is interesting your take on his thoughts. When my mother visits she tells me she has to bite her tongue because she finds him abusive. I guess I can't see it that way. I don't know, like I get hurt but get over it. Although I do admit it simmers in the back of my mind sometimes. When he does cut me down privately I have different reactions. If it has been a good day, I let it pass. Maybe his day was bad. If my day was bad, I cut back or ask why he is talking to me that way. He usually has two responses, he is kidding around and I am too sensative or my tone to him provoked him. I am a firm beliver in not calling people names. I hate it myself so why be that way to someone else. He doesn't think that way. When he cuts me down publically, in front of strangers, family, or friends, this is when it really bothers me. I don't know if he does it to put me down or to show others how smart he is. I am trying to find a way to react so I can end it quickly. This weekend my son said he had a questions and asked his dad verbally, I want to ask you this, but don't yell at me. As soon as my son started to talk he yelled. My son went tearing off into another room and he told him not to be such a cry baby. I did step in. It is one thing if it is to me, but to the kids is terrible. I told him to apologize immediately and he laughed. It might have been a nervous laugh because he realized he screwed up. He did apologize to my son in which things worked out. He said he loved me just recently. I said it this morning before he left for work. >>> Well, I put in motion my game plan this weekend. I think things might >>> be looking up. It wasn't as if he stopped his gaming but I tried to >>> look at things differently. I didn't start any discussions with him >>> about his role as a husband or dad. I just never felt the time was right. >>> On Sat. I suggested we look for open houses (might be moving at the >>> end of the year), and he said ok! We took the 3 kids too and spent a [quoted text clipped - 28 lines] >>> We had a surprise visit from the grandparents which was awesome >>> because they took care of the kids for awhile so I really got a lot done. >>> RIght now I am tired and sore but damn it feels awesome!! I mean >>> really great, you know! [quoted text clipped - 56 lines] >> looks better on the market! >> Interesting the granparents visited and you were painting and he off doing....? >> <hubby thought process> >> He didn't clean up because that's your job, and you weren't doing your job [quoted text clipped - 43 lines] > He said he loved me just recently. I said it this morning before he > left for work. He has a funny way of showing it. I judge people more by their actions than their words. Don't you???? Really, Vickie, you really shouldn't have to put up with all this crap, and you and your kids deserve better. It pains me to see you living through this. On Apr 23, 3:21 pm, "Bill in Co." <surly_curmudg...@earthlink.net> wrote: > >> "Vickie" <vic...@mcdanielx.com> wrote in message > [quoted text clipped - 165 lines] > He has a funny way of showing it. I judge people more by their actions > than their words. Don't you???? Me too. > Really, Vickie, you really shouldn't have to put up with all this crap, and > you and your kids deserve better. It pains me to see you living through > this. I agree. > Now I have 2 things to look forward to, a newly painted house and some > well needed release! You know, I like your gameplan. Instead of getting angry, show him that you are going to *live* a full life while he's wasting away in the cyber world. I haven't followed most of your numerous threads but for some reason a few things caught my eye. > On Sat. I suggested we look for open houses (might be moving at the > end of the year), and he said ok! We took the 3 kids too and spent a [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > I didn't yell it or sound meek, I just sort of said it matter-of- > factly. My husband is up there when it comes to saying some unkind things, but that comment is really disgusting...telling you to keep your mouth shut reminds me of Archie Bunker telling Edith to "stifle". UCK! Your response was kinder than mine would have been. His comment showed a disgusting lack of respect for who you are. When we neared the end of the search we came upon a house > where I asked what the listing price was, he told me, and it was way > more than I thought. He said I was an idiot and should know every > reason why this house was that expensive. He said it in front of the > kids and that embarassed me. I couldn't respond to that and just > trudged up the walkway and went in. I don't know why he needs to talk > to me that way. Okay....right here, I disagree with your response. When children hear their parents put each other down and see the person who was put down say nothing; they've learned that being disrespectful is okay and that the disrespected person does not stand up for themself. Those are both bad lessons for kids to learn. On occassion both my husband and I have said things in front of our child. Either I say, "please don't speak to me that way." or "I'd appreciate it you could be kinder," primarily for my daughter to learn that men, women, and people in general do not have to tolerate disrespectful behavior and that they do not have to be disrespectful in return. Sometimes dh or I will ask the other to come upstairs for a minute or it will be brought up later when child is not around. I do not let my husband get away with saying things like that and honestly; if we didn't have a child, I'd still tell him that what he is saying is unkind. I'll sometimes ask him what his point is. > When we got home he put in few loads of laundry (Yea!) and played WOW > for the rest of the night. My husband and I are both guilty of logging on and tuning out. > Sun. I had an idea. The outside house color has always bothered me > so I went online and found the info for prepping and painting the [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > down and tell me I couldn't do it. When he got up he was a bear. He > told me he had work to do online and wouldn't be in a good mood. I found this comment interesting about knowing that he wouldn't be in a good mood :-) I can't predict my moods; I only know what they are when I'm in them. Have you ever suggested that the two of you check in with each other and figure out who needs what, what needs to get done and how you can both get your needs met? For instance, my husband used to tell me on Friday, I'm going to the gym Sat and Sun. It was an extension of his usual work days, where he comes and goes when he wants/needs to, knowing that I'd be the sahp who would take care of the cooking, cleaning, bills, errands, child, etc. As time passed, and I started working part time, I'd plan any time that I needed to go visit a client to be either while she was in school or on the weekend when he was home. Then we had to put up a calendar which CLEARLY stated when I'd be with a client or if he had a meeting, I knew not to schedule a client, etc. That ended up talking about time that he needed for himself and evolved into him saying nsomething like, "do you have a problem with me going to the gym at 2:00?" rather than him assuming he could just take off at anytime and do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted. I never had that right nor assumed that I could just take off, so why should he??? It has taken close to 15 years of marriage for this to improve, but it never would have improved if I stood by meekly and did not stand my ground about my rights. I > kept my project underwraps. Later in the afternoon I started my > endeavor. He questioned me and I told him and he rolled his eyes and [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > because they took care of the kids for awhile so I really got a lot > done. I've painted the entire interior of our house (1850 SF) almost by myself. I hired a friend to do the high ceiling part of our living room due to having a fear of the ladder going up that high. I've also painted all of the exterior trim 3 summers in a row; up to what I could reach. He helped with the outdoor trim once, but acted put out by it. I've accepted that he hates doing stuff like that. He'd rather hire someone and since we can't afford it, he is willing to charge it on the credit card. And I'm not willing to do that. So I've come to accept that there are manyt hings that I have to do and CANNOT be resentful that he has no interest. I'm learning how to pick my battles better than in the past. > RIght now I am tired and sore but damn it feels awesome!! I mean > really great, you know! My husband has always been i ncharge of our yard...back and front. He has gotten accolades, left and right for the incredible job he does. The same with his job(s); he is rewarded with thanks AND a nice paycheck. However, what often happens with stay at home parents, is that very few people thank us. Our kids surely don't say "gee mom, my room looks fantastic; nice job and THANKS!," we don't get a paycheck and no one comes over and says, "nice job dusting!!! and what a sparkling toilet too, how do you do it??????" With that said, very little that we do is noticed. Of course we know how hard we worked. So when something like a paint job is VISIBLE, it is rewarding, even if we're the only ones to reward ourselves. I'm not complaining about staying home; I've loved almost every minute of it (particularly when my kids were little) and I would NOT FOR A MINUTE change it. I do however realize that my husband is appreciated far more than I am on a regular basis. The lucky part is that I don't need to hear praise as much as he does. > He played for the rest of the day and night and there was a lot to > clean up since the kids ran havoc for the day, so I was pissed that he > didn't help clean up a little before playing online. We have major cleaning issues too, especially on the weekend when he is home. I've decided to very little cleaning on the weekends and I keep asking for help, repeatedly, as if trying to train a dog. I'm working on dh and dd both at the same time (since they're both about at the same level of contributing in the house). I'm prepping them for me to start working pretty soon and I"m bound and determined to not become a martyr once I have more non-housework. We all live here and we all need to carry our own weight. I'm far better at asking for help than I ever have been. I think it took a cancer diagnosis for me to realize that life is too short to do everyone else's work :-) > Lastly, I had no time for the big blue, which I was looking forward > too. Probably since kids will be at school and husband at work, > between painting, I will give myself a little afternoon delight. Sorry, but since I didn't read your other threads, I have no idea what big blue is. Perhaps your husband would think that I'm an idiot for not knowing :-) > Now I have 2 things to look forward to, a newly painted house and some > well needed release! > > Vickie Enjoy it whatever it is! > I haven't followed most of your numerous threads but for some reason a > few things caught my eye. [quoted text clipped - 149 lines] > > Enjoy it whatever it is! I totally agree!! Being a SAHM or SAHP is a thankless job. It is nice to feel some appreciation for the jobs that we do. What is Big Blue someone please enlighten me. >> > Lastly, I had no time for the big blue, which I was looking forward >> > too. Probably since kids will be at school and husband at work, [quoted text clipped - 15 lines] > > What is Big Blue someone please enlighten me. I get the impression that it's a dildo. TMI, probably. > >> > Lastly, I had no time for the big blue, which I was looking forward > >> > too. Probably since kids will be at school and husband at work, [quoted text clipped - 18 lines] > I get the impression that it's a dildo. > TMI, probably LOL, just call me stupid I guess :-) >> I totally agree!! Being a SAHM or SAHP is a thankless job. It is >> nice to feel some appreciation for the jobs that we do. [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > I get the impression that it's a dildo. > TMI, probably. Not a dildo.. a vibrator. On Apr 23, 5:47 pm, "-Calliope-" <calliope123rem...@remove.gmail.com> wrote: > >> I totally agree!! Being a SAHM or SAHP is a thankless job. It is > >> nice to feel some appreciation for the jobs that we do. [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > > Not a dildo.. a vibrator. It is a vibrating dildo with some other gadgets I have know idea what to do with, but going to give it a go. Didn't get a chance yet and it better not let me down or I will take a chainsaw to it. Got to make dinner now and it is almost time for him to start WOW. Vickie > I haven't followed most of your numerous threads but for some reason a > few things caught my eye. [quoted text clipped - 134 lines] > help than I ever have been. I think it took a cancer diagnosis for me > to realize that life is too short to do everyone else's work :-) Do we live the same life? I agree with you 100% It is hard to find motivation to keep doing the tedious work of a SAHM?SAHP when very little if any appreciation is thrown your way....it's a thankless job. > > Lastly, I had no time for the big blue, which I was looking forward > > too. Probably since kids will be at school and husband at work, [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > big blue is. Perhaps your husband would think that I'm an idiot for > not knowing :-) What is the big blue someone please enlighten me. > > Now I have 2 things to look forward to, a newly painted house and some > > well needed release! > > > Vickie > > Enjoy it whatever it is! . > Do we live the same life? I agree with you 100% It is hard to find > motivation to keep doing the tedious work of a SAHM?SAHP when very > little if any appreciation is thrown your way....it's a thankless > job. Some days as I'm stuffing the washing machine I truly want to vomit and throw it all out the window. Other days I view it as "my job and it's how I got to be with my kids from birth until now." It is a thankless job while the kids are little. I can tell you though; my son has thanked me a few times for being home when he got home from school, for making him cookies from time to time and for just being there when he needed me. I'm not sure I'll live long enough to hear a thanks like that from my daughter, but I know I'm doing what I set out to do when I decided to have children. I'm very conflicted right now due to some extra financial issues that are facing us and I'm very torn about how to deal with it if I don't find more contract work to do at home. I don't believe that once the kids get older, they don't need you at home. I think in some ways, it's even more important for them not to be alone for extended periods of time! I'd proabably fall over if someone in this house thanked me for folding their laundry or for emptying the dishwasher. Yet, both DD and DH get thanks from me. To borrow my daughter's phrase: Whatever! Well, I just returned from picking her up from track, now it's off to piano lessons. It would be hilarious if she thanked me for transporting her to either of those activities!!!!!!!!!!! I did bring her a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and an ice cold bottle of water when I picked her up from practice and she did thank me :-) Today, our thermometer actually hit 67. That might be a record. > > Do we live the same life? I agree with you 100% It is hard to find > > motivation to keep doing the tedious work of a SAHM?SAHP when very [quoted text clipped - 25 lines] > water when I picked her up from practice and she did thank me :-) > Today, our thermometer actually hit 67. That might be a record. Husband just came home and told me he spent $4000.00 on a new computer. I think I am going to lose it. All for this goddamn WOW. VIckie > Husband just came home and told me he spent $4000.00 on a new > computer. > > I think I am going to lose it. All for this goddamn WOW. > > VIckie That's crazy. Is it an Alienware or something? Even so, if he's that into it, he could buy individual parts from newegg or somewhere and build himself a kickass computer for less than half that. > > Husband just came home and told me he spent $4000.00 on a new > > computer. [quoted text clipped - 6 lines] > Even so, if he's that into it, he could buy individual parts from newegg or > somewhere and build himself a kickass computer for less than half that. That would take time away from the game, he'd lose rank, and there'd be no point. People are just not getting that this man's goal is to devote every single minute he can to rising even further in a game of world dominance that has thousands of addicted players who play all day long. They live in *that* world - not this one. A. >> > Do we live the same life? I agree with you 100% It is hard to find >> > motivation to keep doing the tedious work of a SAHM?SAHP when very [quoted text clipped - 30 lines] > > I think I am going to lose it. All for this goddamn WOW. Goodness. We have at least 4 working computers in this house, plus enough parts to build several more - and if you added them all up, you still wouldn't reach $4K. > >> > Do we live the same life? I agree with you 100% It is hard to find > >> > motivation to keep doing the tedious work of a SAHM?SAHP when very [quoted text clipped - 34 lines] > parts to build several more - and if you added them all up, you still > wouldn't reach $4K. Obviously, it's a Mac. :-) GGG  SignatureTo contact me: GGGNH@yahoo.com >>> Husband just came home and told me he spent $4000.00 >>> on a new computer. >>> I think I am going to lose it. All for this goddamn WOW. One should remember that there's a distinction between doing something that's idiotic and being an idiot. Unless he's an engineer for NASA or has money to burn, he's an idiot who did something idiotic. He should'a spent that money on a large-screen plasma HD-TV, instead (seriously). =R= > Obviously, it's a Mac. :-) I'm not sure how you get to $4000 even so. Even the eight core Mac Pros are only $2500. Maybe he bought a huge monitor? >> Obviously, it's a Mac. :-) > > I'm not sure how you get to $4000 even so. Even the eight core Mac Pros > are only $2500. Maybe he bought a huge monitor? He likely bought a gaming rig from alienware or something like that. 4k is easy to spend then. > >> Obviously, it's a Mac. :-) > [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > He likely bought a gaming rig from alienware or something like that. 4k is > easy to spend then. I haven't a clue exactly what he bought, I guess I will find out when it arrives. I'm not sure if I even would have been that upset if it had been something else he bought, unrelated to computers or gaming. It still is a lot of dough and I think it should have been discussed. I am now receiving benefits from his purchase. Is he feeling guilty? I don't know. Is is wrong to enjoy the perks I am getting? (after painting all day he let me nap through bath time, he went and bought dinner the last 2 nights, some pretty great sex, he even phoned my mom and talked to her about a problem she was having.) The thing is I could get used to this, but then when the shoe drops, I feel more the fool. Vickie Great to hear Vickie. It is important to encourage little victories. By victory I don't mean it was game or a competition. To demonstrate honourable actions to people is to the benefit of yourself more so than those around you. The more he demonstrates outward emotions of love the better man he is for himself. Small seeds can grow into great trees. While the man may be full of faults and errors, no human can be judged into oblivion we simply are unpredictable and do change. It is not our position to decide if he still loves you that it up to your heart. We have no position in your relationship, rather a counsel for you to learn from. >> >> Obviously, it's a Mac. :-) >> [quoted text clipped - 20 lines] > > Vickie <snipped> > I am now receiving benefits from his purchase. Is he feeling guilty? > I don't know. Is is wrong to enjoy the perks I am getting? (after [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > could get used to this, but then when the shoe drops, I feel more the > fool. It's not a bad thing to enjoy the times he's being attentive and doing nice things. I know what you mean about waiting for the other shoe to fall. Perhaps you can build on the good times, use that as a benchmark. When he's being distant again, perhaps you can occasionally open a conversation with something along the lines of, "Do you remember when we ____? It's been a while since we've done anything like that. I miss it." Then drop it and just let him think on it a bit. :-) Kitten > > Obviously, it's a Mac. :-) > > I'm not sure how you get to $4000 even so. Even the eight core Mac Pros > are only $2500. Maybe he bought a huge monitor? Dual processor, requiring 2 monitors, is my guess. So he can be 2 players at once if he wants to. A. >> > Obviously, it's a Mac. :-) > Dual processor, requiring 2 monitors, is my guess. > So he can be 2 players at once if he wants to. With any more of these stunts, he may have to double as both spouses at once. Five years ago, my DW and I went to Thomasville Furniture, she ignored the sale items and selected the most expensive, ornate dining table+chairs they had. $4,500 for heirlom quality, like what you'd see in Bruce Wayne's house (ref: Batman). I bit my lip and thus became complicit in this misadventure. Now, five years later, I can't say I miss the money, but I still look at the table and think, "Damn, you could've been a jacuzzi." <sigh> Any moral to this? I dunno. =Roger= > >> > Obviously, it's a Mac. :-) > > Dual processor, requiring 2 monitors, is my guess. [quoted text clipped - 14 lines] > could've been a jacuzzi." <sigh> Any moral to this? > I dunno. =Roger= Yup, you have you idea of what important and she has her's. One person's might be exorbitant to the other. GGG SignatureTo contact me: GGGNH@yahoo.com > In article <c0XXh.4299$TD3.1...@bignews5.bellsouth.net>, > [quoted text clipped - 26 lines] > > - Show quoted text - Well, I finished painting the front of the house. Damn, it looks good. I got some great praise from the neighbors too. I learned it is all in the prep. It took me a whole day just to tape and tie back bushes and drop cloths everywhere. But it looks really good. It was a little freaky-deaky being up high on the ladder, but I survived! I will be hitting the back this weekend. Along with my son's state project. He is doing Iowa. My husband is from there. I am a native CA girl so that wasn't to interesting for my son. By Mon. I will probably know more about Iowa than I wish too! Again my husband put more effort into us (family) yesterday. He helped me change the numbers on the house and bought ice cream for after dinner |
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