Family Forum / Marriage / Marriage / April 2007

I think you also put your finger on the reason why there is such a
thing as parents making the kids too much of a priority in their
lives.  Parents have two basic jobs; 1) To protect their kids; and 2)
to get their kids ready for independence.  If they're doing the latter
properly, there's simply no reason why they can't make all the time
they need for themselves as a couple.

I don't disagree with any of what you said, but I think that you too
easily dismiss the things that exist when we marry.  I'm willing to
bet that you didn't truly love everything about your husband when you
married... or that, if you did, that you didn't know him very well.

People do change considerably as they get older and life happens, but
in a weird way, a lot of that change is often becoming more who they
are, not becoming someone different.  And so those things that were
endearing little quirks when we first encountered them can become
seriously annoying and not endearing at all after we live with them
for a while.  Or we take too lightly things that have the potential to
be a problem, thinking that love will conquer all.  Or, because we're
young, we don't understand ourselves well enough to know what we
really need.

But it's unquestionably true that if you don't make an effort to grow
together, you *will* grow apart.

I suspect that you loved what glared at each other along with some cute
and workable subtleties, as many teens and 20 something's do.  They
build a relationship/marriage on fluctuating idealisms...

Some people are raised with sound values and morals from childhood.
They mature and experience but never loose sight through out their life
of who and what they are, what they value.

There are far more who don't experience strong parenting early on, yet
have nice loving parents; just weak at teaching character values, and
lite to zero at moral guidance and providing boundaries.
Child matures - life comes at them with a variety of choices; there's no
right and wrong, good and bad, "what's a boundary?"  Let's test what
ever feels good without thinking about consequences; almost any choice
could redirect that person.  Hence, they easily loose their center,
allowing radical character "changes to occurred.  That's when there's
either a fight to find common valued ground and hold on to each other;
or walk away claiming irreconcilable differences.

Maybe, maybe not. It probably depends on how marked the changes are!

I have to say my experience in this is quite different to what you are
describing. I know my husband very well and there is no one more familiar to
me, including our children. I'm pretty sure he feels the same way, yet we
have both changed over the years.

As far as I can tell, though, the adjustments we have had to make have been
sparked by a combination of changing external factors and our core
personality traits that were always there, if not in a fully expressed form
until given the right circumstances.

Also, I think a busy lifestyle is more likely to lead to the realisation
that they aren't spending enough time together than that either or both
spouses have changed to some measurable degree. For some people the new or
different lifestyle which *doesn't* include their spouse is merely more
appealing than the old one which does and that's what they choose. Oops.

Tai

In the 24 years (almost 20 years married), DH and I have been together,
we've become more alike than different.
We've grown,  not changed.
We're still the same, but more improved, advanced, mellowed, better versions
of ourselves!

Or you could just continue to focus on the parts of each other that
are still,
in your eyes, worth loving.

- Michaela

michaela wrote:

he/

an

how

in

time

That's not to say that I didn't find your post seminal. I will
definitely
be giving this one a think.

- Michaela