 |
 | Home | Contact Us | FAQ | Search & Site Map | Link to Us |
 | Sign In | Join | Other 45 Sites in Network |
Family Forum / Marriage / Marriage / May 2007Wife starts a job
My wife is a professional in the health sciences who elected to stay at home with our children for seven years (three were born) . At first I supported this, but for the last year or so I felt that she was wasting her professional training by staying at home and that my one salary was starting to be insufficient. I was evdiently quite grumpy about it. I eventually found her a job opening, which she applied for and was hired. Now that she is away every day with very long hours and that I have do the pick-ups and make all meals, I find that my sexual/romantic interest in her has soared (my interest is not always reciprocated, especially on weekdays). Are feelings like mine normal? > My wife is a professional in the health sciences who elected to stay > at home with our children for seven years (three were born) . At first [quoted text clipped - 10 lines] > > Are feelings like mine normal? I'm trying to figure out if you're happy that she's at work or not. Are you asking if being more sexually arroused now that she's less available, is normal? I'm curious is she wanted to go back to work and if she's happy (or happier) now that she's working outside of the home. Your comment about having to do the pick-ups and make all meals.....how are you finding that? Are you glad that she went back to work or not? > > Mywifeis a professional in the health sciences who elected to stay > > at home with our children for seven years (three were born) . At first [quoted text clipped - 18 lines] > meals.....how are you finding that? Are you glad that she went back > to work or not? I was happy for her at first, then I saw how tired she is at he end of each day, and I have concerns. Her feelings seem to be mixed. She likes the stimulation, but she finds working in a hospital setting very stressful. I find the child-duties somewhat tiring, but seem to have an easier time of it than her. My hope is that after a few months, it will become easier for both of us (she will know her job better, maybe we will get some extra help at home). Then mayb > > Mywifeis a professional in the health sciences who elected to stay > > at home with our children for seven years (three were born) . At first [quoted text clipped - 18 lines] > meals.....how are you finding that? Are you glad that she went back > to work or not? Mixed feelings for her (pro: stimulation of job; con: stress, fatigue) and I (pro: happy for her and extra income; con: feel sorry for her) At the end of the day, I am left with more energy than her (even with the child duties). > > > Mywifeis a professional in the health sciences who elected to stay > > > at home with our children for seven years (three were born) . At first [quoted text clipped - 25 lines] > > - Show quoted text - Okay, so she likes her job but is more stressed out and tried. You're happy that she likes the stimulation of the job and you like the income but you feel sorry for her. You feel sorry that she's stressed and tired? Uhhhh, what did you expect? At the end of the day, you're left with more energy than your wife "even with child duties," and I'm wondering exactly what you're getting at here. How many hours do you each work outside of the home each day? How do you split up housework and childcare? How old are your children and how much energy do they require? I still don't get a sense of what you're really looking for here. Do you feel unrewarded for taking on more child duties? Are you concerned that something is wrong with your wife? Do you feel that she is not adjusting in the way that you had imagined? Do you wonder if either situation (her working at home or not at home) will make you happy? Was she happier while she was at home? It's hard to suggest anything because your posts seem to have something missing. I could be way off, but it seems to me like you're beating around the bush and not coming out with what is really troubling you. I hear implications and some covert messages....maybe a tiny bit of passive aggressive comments. I hope I'm wrong for everyone's sake. > My wife is a professional in the health sciences who elected to stay > at home with our children for seven years (three were born) . At [quoted text clipped - 13 lines] > > Are feelings like mine normal? I can't really pinpoint it, but here are a couple of things I find interesting: "I was evidently quite grumpy" Surely YOU know if you were grumpy about it. "I eventually found her a job opening" Is that because she refused to look for one herself, or because she was incapable? I just have a feeling that you have a hard time being honest with yourself, perhaps to conceal some sort of controlling behavior that you have. Maybe that's why your wife's interest has waned, and why that waning interest causes you to "want" her more.  SignatureNOTICE: I regard everything which anyone posts in Usenet as nothing more than a work of fiction with no basis in fact or reality whatsoever. Every comment in every one of my posts is nothing more than a useless opinion or a wild speculation, and must never be taken seriously or as having any positive value to anyone for any reasons. I never assume that there's any more to a story than what I have read, no matter what else the author or anyone else may have posted anywhere. Be advised that my remarks are that of an ignorant layperson, and no one should ever base their decisions upon them under any circumstances. > > Mywifeis a professional in the health sciences who elected to stay > > at home with our children for seven years (three were born) . At [quoted text clipped - 40 lines] > that my remarks are that of an ignorant layperson, and no one should > ever base their decisions upon them under any circumstances. I found her the openingjob because I have very good job search and Internet skills. My wife said for about a year that she wanted to go back to work, but did not zealously look for a job (probably intimidated after being away from the workplace for so long). I did make a promise to her (and to myself) that I would make the sacrifices necessary for her to be able to do this job, which is actually a one-year position. >>> Mywifeis a professional in the health sciences who elected to stay >>> at home with our children for seven years (three were born) . At [quoted text clipped - 33 lines] > back to work, but did not zealously look for a job (probably > intimidated after being away from the workplace for so long). And you found it necessary to mention that /you/ were the one to find her the job because...? - Michaela > I did make a promise to her (and to myself) that I would make the > sacrifices necessary for her to be able to do this job, which is > actually a one-year position. -- > >>> Mywifeis a professional in the health sciences who elected to stay > >>> at home with our children for seven years (three were born) . At [quoted text clipped - 49 lines] > > -- I found her a job because I felt that she was no longer enjoying being at home, that she has a high level of skills (health care) to offer, and because it would help our bottom line at home. >>>>> Mywifeis a professional in the health sciences who elected to stay >>>>> at home with our children for seven years (three were born) . At >>>>> first >>>>> I supported this, but for the last year or so I felt that she was >>>>> wasting her professional training by staying at home and that my >>>>> one salary was starting to be insufficient. I was evdiently quite >>>>> grumpy about it. I eventually found her ajobopening, which she >>>>> applied for [quoted text clipped - 39 lines] > at home, that she has a high level of skills (health care) to offer, > and because it would help our bottom line at home. Reread my question if you care to. - Michaela >I felt that she was wasting her professional training by staying at home >and that my one salary was starting to be insufficient. You felt.... you're talking about her self-esteem, time and skills - what did she feel? > I found her the openingjob because I have very good job search and > Internet skills. Your action here was wrong. She's an adult, you enabled her. The better question might be - for her benefit or yours? >My wife said for about a year that she wanted to go > back to work, but did not zealously look for a job (probably > intimidated after being away from the workplace for so long). >Now that she is away every day with very long hours and that I have do >the pick-ups and make all meals, I find that my sexual/romantic >interest in her has soared (my interest is not always reciprocated, >especially on weekdays). I suspect there's more to her not being motivated then you're aware of. Also, you might ask yourself two deeper questions ... "Why? do you jump in where you don't belong" "Why? do you sound as though you're looking to take responsibility when it's not yours to take". >Are feelings like mine normal? Sadly, probably more common then you know; normal leads to other questions. SignatureSD:) >>I felt that she was wasting her professional training by staying at >>home [quoted text clipped - 9 lines] > Your action here was wrong. She's an adult, you enabled her. The > better question might be - for her benefit or yours? The action was not necessarily wrong, depending on his answer to your first question. People get all kinds of help in job searches, whether it's from the campus career office, employment agencies, networking, nepotism and so forth. If she wanted to work, then I see nothing wrong with him helping. Zorra > Zorra Re-read the OP SignatureSD:) >> Zorra > > Re-read the OP First, please don't snip so much that I have to go back and re-read my post to know what the heck you are talking about. Second, in the OP, he seemed to imply that he found her the job because he wanted her to work, and I'd agree that is something that needs negotiation rather than a dictatorial, "I found you a job, now you will take it." But I don't see it wrong to "enable" someone by conducting an internet job search for them. Zorra >>> Zorra >> [quoted text clipped - 11 lines] > > Zorra Better yet, don't snip at all, and preserve the context. >>>> Zorra >>> [quoted text clipped - 18 lines] > > Better yet, don't snip at all, and preserve the context. :-P Not snipping works okay until you have two non-snippers posting back and forth to each other. Ack!!!! Zorra >>>>> Zorra >>>> [quoted text clipped - 18 lines] > > Zorra Well, Michaela and I had that going on for quite a spell, and it even reached 100KB! (that was before she reached .... saturation :-) > My wife is a professional in the health sciences who elected to stay > at home with our children for seven years (three were born) . At first [quoted text clipped - 10 lines] > > Are feelings like mine normal? Yes, you are more attracted to her in that way because you have been relieved of some stress as far as the money goes. Similar thing happened with my wife and I. When we got married, my wife was working. After a few months, she lost her job. I had to support us both on my inadequate salary for two years. I lost romantic feelings, because I felt that she wasn't sharing the burden and plus all the stress was on my to keep the money coming in. I coaxed her back into school, she got a nursing license, and now that she is working the money issues have disappeared. I do find her more attractive. I think mentally our brain uses attractiveness as a way to gauge a "partner." If a partner isn't living up to their responsibility, it is normal to not find them as attractive. Of course, your wife was taking care of the kids, however seven years is a long time. I think a few months after child birth is normal to have off, but then you got to get back in the workforce. It is all about feeling like a "team." You subconsciously felt that your wife had abandoned your team and left you high and dry. Now that she is back on board, you find her more attractive. <snipped> > I think a few months after child birth is > normal to have off, but then you got to get back in the workforce. It > is all about feeling like a "team." You subconsciously felt that your > wife had abandoned your team and left you high and dry. Now that she > is back on board, you find her more attractive. Really? You find that one parent staying home to care for the children that *both* parents "worked" together to create constitutes "abandon[ing] your team?" I really thought it was all a matter of each couple working together to determine priorities, then working together to meet those priorities. You seem to be saying that the children should NOT be as high a priority as should be a career outside the home. Kitten > <snipped> >> I think a few months after child birth is [quoted text clipped - 11 lines] > priorities. You seem to be saying that the children should NOT be as > high a priority as should be a career outside the home. He does doesn't he? I wonder if Jerim actually has any children. Jerim, many people have very strong feelings about who they want to care for their infants and young children and in some families no one other than the parents or grandparents look after pre-school children. Also, working together as team work doesn't mean both spouses have to fulfil identical roles within their family. Tai On May 12, 10:12 pm, Caitriona Mac Fhiodhbhuidhe <st_brigids_gate_f...@yahoo.com> wrote: > <snipped> > [quoted text clipped - 14 lines] > > Kitten If a couple agrees that one parent should stay home longer, I have not problem with that. But that is not what happened in this case, obviously. Since the OP had an issue with his wife staying at home and not working, obviously he had never okayed it. My point was that they needed to work together as a group. The OP seems to have felt that his wife went off and made an arbitrary decision to stop working without consulting him. If two people are living a nice lifestyle that requires both to be working and one of them quits working regardless of the reason, the other one is going to feel abandoned. One person now has to maintain the lifestyle that requires two people. It wouldn't be fair for the male spouse to do it either, now would it? You have to think of the "family" and not just the child. What is best for "the family" is the key concern. > On May 12, 10:12 pm, Caitriona Mac Fhiodhbhuidhe > <st_brigids_gate_f...@yahoo.com> wrote: [quoted text clipped - 30 lines] > You have to think of the "family" and not just the child. What is best > for "the family" is the key concern. First off, what you've written here is completely different from what you wrote initially. I've intentionally left your original comments up above so that you can look back and see the differences in the two posts. Secondly, the OP stated that he initially *supported* his wife staying home with the kids, and then *he* decided she needed to go back to work, not that they both decided together that they needed to re- evaluate: "My wife is a professional in the health sciences who elected to stay at home with our children for seven years (three were born) . At first I supported this, but for the last year or so I felt that she was wasting her professional training by staying at home and that my one salary was starting to be insufficient. I was evdiently quite grumpy about it. I eventually found her a job opening, which she applied for and was hired." Far different than what it seems you recall. Kitten On May 16, 12:29 pm, Caitriona Mac Fhiodhbhuidhe <st_brigids_gate_f...@yahoo.com> wrote: > > On May 12, 10:12 pm, Caitriona Mac Fhiodhbhuidhe > > <st_brigids_gate_f...@yahoo.com> wrote: [quoted text clipped - 54 lines] > > Kitten Upon further reflection, I think I can explain my increased sexual interest (please don't castigate me for being shallow): 1) scarcity: I see my wife less, so I value my time with her more 2) appearance: she pays more attention (and has more resources to devote) to her appearance now that she is working outside the home. 3) intelligence: the job she does requires a high intelligence, so I now always think what a smart wife I have, and that stimulates my interest. When she was at home I did not htink about it so much. |
Reply to this Message |
 Sign In
 Join
 My Latest Posts My Monitored Threads My Blog My Photo Gallery My Profile My Homepage Start New Thread Enable EMail Alerts Rate this Thread
|
©2009 Advenet LLC Privacy Policy - Terms of Use
This website includes both content owned or controlled by Advenet as well as content owned or controlled by third parties.