Family Forum / Marriage / Marriage / May 2007

The worst thing you can do at this point is to beg and plead for her return.
REPEAT DO NOT ASK HER TO COME BACK.  It shows weakness on your part and who
wants to come back to a weak husband.  Dont call her work, or leave her
voice mail messages.  If you do, you will only be pushing her farther away.

You don't say your age, but if she is in her 40's, chances are she is
battling some form of depression.  Given enough time alone, she will realize
what she is giving up and will make her decision.  If she really wanted to
stay, she wouldn't have separated.  Michelle Weiner-Davis has a book
entitled Divorce Busting.  Get it and follow the advice she provides.

I too had this same event happen to me 3yrs ago.  After 6 mos, my wife asked
to come back and I agreed.  We went to counseling and it helped
tremendously.  Unfortunately, the damage has been done and the trust issue
will haunt you for a long time.  I know you want to hear about all the
couples that are able to reconcile, and believe me, some do.  I know you
want to hear positive thoughts, but the reality for most is that the
marriage is prone to fail at this point.  I've been trying for 3 yrs to
re-capture that early passion we had for each other.  Sadly, everything I've
done to change any negative issues are failing to produce any results.  Your
wife may be different, but without passion for each other, the magic is gone
and you need to face the hard reality that it's time to call it a day.

On May 22, 8:05 pm, brooklynnativ...@gmail.com wrote:

This sucks.  It can go either way - it can be survived (or not).  A
lot depends on your wife and her temperament, so do not blame
yourself.

And you've got my positive thoughts.

A.

On May 22, 10:05 pm, brooklynnativ...@gmail.com wrote:

My experience has been that by the time they tell you that - they've
already been seeing people for quite awhile now and have a particular
person in mind.

I've felt the pain and I feel for you - but it's time to realize that
you were probably happy before this relationship and can be after.
Happiness comes from within - we can't allow it to come from other
people - who may not be reliable.

I know it's hard and I suffered with two I was in love with as they
moved on, but focus on your work and start planning your life as a
happy person alone and that will attract other women - maybe even
better ones.

PS - hitting the bars and getting drunk may seem to help but the pain
become more then.

Good luck and keep us posted.
MajorHart

I suggest going to marriagebuilders.com and reading up on infidelity.
Whether you want to try to save your marriage or not, I  think you will
find it helpful in understanding what happened and how it will play out.

On May 22, 11:05 pm, brooklynnativ...@gmail.com wrote:

My husband and I have been married for 12 years (we've been together
over 16).  In 2002, due to a near death experience (my trigger); I was
diagnosed with Bipolar.  I have been on medication and mania free ever
since I was hospitalized; but not before an extended mania that nearly
cost me my life; and is now five years later claiming my marriage.
I had no real control over the things I did.  But I was still guilty
of having left my husband and taking on two lovers.  When reality hit
me on the down side of the bipolar spectrum I took an overdose of
Darvocet.
My husband and I got back together and we now have a two year old (3
kids in all).  But he told me after he moved out a few weeks ago that
he has been unhappy the entire time...  My advice to you is; if you love
her, wait.  If she comes back, be compassionate try and be
understanding, and above all; do not be too manly for therapy/
counseling.  I think my marriage would be saved if my husband would
only try it.  He says he loves me still, but cannot handle the
situation...  Be strong...I know how empty that sounds, I wail like a baby
while I hug his pillow (it smells like him).  Good Luck.  Mia