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Family Forum / Marriage / Marriage / May 2007What to do??
Hi there, My hubby of almost 10 years and i have had our ups and downs,2 separations (we both dated another person) but never finalized divorce instead we got back together and I thought we were going better then ever before, we get along, rarely fight, are affectionate a Whole lot more, everything has really been great. I never saw it coming, i was in his email account and saw a woman email him and he emailed back that he wanted to meet her, couldnt wait, loved the way she talked and wanted him, blah,blah, im sure you get the idea. Well this woman, I know about, they met online when we were seperated-he has told me for the last 9 months that they are friends only have never even met(true, her emai said they were soul mates and needed to meet finally), well months ago i caught him hiding phone calls from her, he has yet to tell her (a friend remember)that hes back with his wife and kids, i asked him to stop talking to her, he said he would, but didnt i caught him agian on the phone, i asked two more times, he didnt, then finally the 4th time i asked he said he would stop talking to her, that was in january. I thought she the friend was gone, i really believed him. He never has lied like this before in all the years i have known him, i can really believe he has never cheated on me, or even lied like this before. Then i saw the emails last week. I confronted him, he acted sad and remsorefull, didnt really want to talk about it, promised he would end it finally, and he was caught up in the moment, and it was a stupid thing for him to do. Well, i have no proof now cuz he knows im looking. But im checking his email accounts and hes always erasing now the trash and sent emails(he never did that before). And sometimes when i walk in the door he changes the page or turns off computer fast, i act like i dont notice. i want to trust that th is time HE really isnt talking to her, do you i should drop it like he wants me to and forget. or keep watching, this is driving me insane. i thought we finally had the great marriage, and this pops up. I did just install a free keylogger that will tell me everythign he types, i feel like thats wrong of me though. He can call her at work, so i really dont know if hes talkign to her there or not. any advice. LD http://forums.familylobby.com/looking_for_good_advice/m_1508/tm.htm > Hi there, > [quoted text clipped - 25 lines] > when i walk in the door he changes the page or turns off computer > fast, i act like i dont notice. Why? Why not tell him what you've seen and the conclusions you've drawn from his actions? > i want to trust that th is time HE > really isnt talking to her, do you i should drop it like he wants me [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > like thats wrong of me though. He can call her at work, so i really > dont know if hes talkign to her there or not. Why install a keylogger? You already know you're being lied to so you're feeding into the unhealthy untrustworthy relationship he's instigated between you by engaging in your own deceptive behaviour - behaviour that cannot be good for you. Right now you should be asking for full and open disclosure of all your husband's correspondence as a condition for continuing in your marriage with him. He's lost the right to privacy or the expectation of your trust until further notice. *Your* notice. Stop being complicit in your husband's lies by playing sick cat-and-mouse games with him. Demand honesty as your right and if he won't deliver, toss him out on his ear. Tai > cannot be good for you. Right now you should be asking for full and open > disclosure of all your husband's correspondence as a condition for > continuing in your marriage with him. He's lost the right to privacy or the > expectation of your trust until further notice. *Your* notice. I absolutely agree. It's turned into a game now, and if he's cheating, it's probably turning the cheating into an even more exciting adventure for him than it already was. You need to be completely up front and tell him you see him turning off the computer really quickly, and you know he's deleting emails so you can't see them, and that needs to stop. He needs to be honest about this. Personally, I think he's lost all right to expect privacy, so I wouldn't tell him about the keylogger. (I'm sure some would disagree with me, and I understand that, but I don't think logging his computer time is a bad thing at this point.) Since you've already installed the keylogger, I'd keep checking it, and keep the information you find with it to yourself this time. If he claims he's not talking to her but your keylogger shows that he is, then you'll know he's lying and you'll have to decide what to do about it. Sorry, hon. Good luck. Marsha > Hi there, > [quoted text clipped - 36 lines] > LD > http://forums.familylobby.com/looking_for_good_advice/m_1508/tm.htm Perhaps this is just semantics, but you say you just read the emails last week and never saw this coming. Yet, in January, you're telling him to stop all contact with this friend. You never saw it coming? You act like you don't notice when he changes the page or turns off the computer. I could be wrong but I think this is a case of denial, on your part and I'm not only referring to how you act like you don't notice. I'm also referring to the fact that in January you knew about this other friend. I think back then, you told yourself 'not to notice' and go deep into denial. In the end, no matter if you confront him, whatever he says, you'll agree with, justifying his actions somehow and telling yourself that he never lies or would cheat on you. Denial, denial, denial. My advice is to dig yourself out of the denial and come into reality. You may not like what you see but at least you'll have the truth in hand to make wiser decisions. Good Luck On May 28, 7:03 am, seo_gan...@yahoo.com wrote: > Hi there, > [quoted text clipped - 35 lines] > > LDhttp://forums.familylobby.com/looking_for_good_advice/m_1508/tm.htm LD - sorry to say this but this relationship is over. Start working on a plan to make yourself a new life. Don't worry about dating right away - unless you know someone good. Get happy yourself and best wishes. MajorHart > On May 28, 7:03 am, seo_gan...@yahoo.com wrote: > [quoted text clipped - 46 lines] > > - Show quoted text - hi I am omar from syria my enghlish is little can be frienf thanks On May 28, 8:03?am, seo_gan...@yahoo.com wrote: I think it's time to move on. I notice alot that people always say they love their spouse even though they are cheating on them. Truth is, love and security get mixed up. My example of loving someone would be to leave them and starting to love myself again. Maybe that's what you need to do. Adultery can kill a person's self esteem and I don't think it should be tolerated. If a person cheats once and is truly sorry then there's nothing wrong with giving another chance. But when it continues to happen over and over again, then the cheater needs to be set free. Janie http://whatsociallife.blogspot.com |
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