Family Forum / Marriage / Marriage / June 2007

Your blog says so much more.

Can I please give you one last piece of advice? Use this as a wake up call.
Prepared yourself for the future by butressing up your home life. Yeah Yeah
you've talked to him 100 times. He doesnt get it or doesn't care. Been
there. I really, really, really do hear you. I have been there.

So when asking, "communicating" aren't working, you need action. A new
vision, a new way of looking at it. I cannot tell you what YOUR new way of
looking at it will be since the change I wanted was vastly different. My
issues were around feeling lack of partnership in the form of his neglecting
his adultly / copartner duties in the practical arenas. Like aggregious
financial stupidity, sloth and stuff. (I am jokng now since it has been so
many years since this has been an issue.) The onlything I can really advice
is that you action for change is going to look more like water slowly
changing the river's (your marriage's) course rather than the bulldozer
changing the face of a building site. Terribly vague, I know.  I cant do any
better than that because our actual needs that were not being met are so
different, it sounds like.

It was around the 2-3 year mark IIRC for us that our issues started looking
like the way you sound like you feel.

IMO it must be easier to start down the road to building the marriage you
want NOW rather than after years of what seems like reasonable compromise
leading to built up resentment and anger. There are two kinds of compromise,
one that both parties come to agree with and can get behind and the kind
that one party is none too happy with but has done for their partner because
they heard the cornerstone of a relationship is compromise. The former is a
solution to a problem. The latter is the breeding ground of resentment that
over time also gets confusiing. Because at the time you did not think you
were unhappy with the compromise. On what, really, is all this built up
resentment built on?

Best of luck!

I find your choice of words a bit perplexing.  This "game"; it's
considerably more; we can walk away from a game without a second
thought.  

Makes me wonder since you were married before - and on your 2nd with an
added five years invested; at what point do you think you should have an
understanding of healthy marital behavior...  I hope it doesn't take a
3rd before heads start a spinning in the right direction.

Good luck ..