Family Forum / Marriage / Marriage / June 2007

Hi...I have been in this group for a while, seeing how posts are
responded to, preparing myself for the various types of responses I
might get from this post.  I'd like to get all relevant info out if
possible cause I really want truthful answers and opinions...even if
they are hurtful.  So, I believe this will be long...but I'll try not
to make it painfully long to read either.  This is a marriage problem
in the end - but I will begin from when I believe my individual issues
began.  I've been to individual and marriage counselling...and while I
believe I've gained some insight, I can't say it's helped me much.  I
am hoping someone may have been in a similar situation and have some
tips and pointers for me.

One issue for me growing up was my Grandfather (my mom's father).  He
is not a very nice man, and while I didn't need to see him much, the
times I did see him, he was very negative, mean and insulting.  When
my father would hear him he would defend my sister and I, but my mom
never did.  Part of me wonders if this has anything to do with my low
self esteem.  I certainly know it plays a role in my relationship with
hubby though.

When I was about 12 years old, a music teacher that I had been seeing
for 3 years started molesting me.  This went on for some 5 or 6 years
on a weekly basis (I know...where was my backbone to say something, to
tell someone...believe me..it is still something I obsess over.  My
parents said all the right things...making me know that I could come
to them if I ever had trouble and they wouldn't get on me about
it...but I didn't.  Now, I obsess over it because I wonder what on
earth I could tell my children that would make them come to me so I
can put an end to it should it ever happen to them).  I still see him
now and again, and still can't bring myself to say anything to
him...the sight of him makes me nervous and scared and I'm 32 years
old for heavens sake!!  Anyway, this has caused me to have some trust
issues.  Here was a man that my parents trusted, paid money to teach
their daughter, and smiled and joked with them, yet was a total
predator behind the closed door.  I find it hard to trust
anyone...knowing that there are wolves in sheep's clothes out there.

My outlook on dating was always to date just about anyone that asked -
because you never know where you might find a gem.  So, needlessly to
say, I dated a lot.  It took me a long time to find someone I thought
was as close to perfect for me as they came...and I married him.
Unfortunately, I met him just before his job sent him across the
country to California.  To make a really long story short, we dated
long distance (me in NY), for about 10 months before he proposed to
me.  When things started to become serious for us, I layed out my
needs in a relationship.  I wanted to make sure he knew what he was
getting into.  There were really only 3 issues for me.  One being that
I needed a man that would defend his immediate family...meaning me and
our children...against whomever offended us.  The second being that I
am very insecure in dealings he may have with other women.  So, on
that topic, I expanded by saying that he was not to go to strip clubs
or watch porn, unless of course I was somehow involved in either.
Cheating was discussed and I told him that it would be an absolute
deal breaker for me.  The third important thing for me was that after
raising our own children, I wanted to become foster parents for
children that needed, as my father was abandoned as a child and had
wonderful foster parents to care for him.  My sister and I called them
Aunt and Uncle...but nonetheless they were key in helping my dad
become the man he was, and I've always wanted to help other children
as they had helped my dad.   Hubby said none of these things would be
an issue for him.  Turns out after being married a few years he
decided to change his mind.  He doesn't defend me or my son when it
comes to his family...I can't even begin to count the encounters.  As
for cheating...see below...I will go more in depth there.  I just
recently found out that he no longer has a desire to become a foster
parent with me, he wants his children and then he wants to be done.  I
just feel on so many levels he has broken his promises to me.

We always had a great time together.  After we got engaged, we needed
to decide where we would live.  In hindsight, I should have moved to
CA, but he wound up moving back to NY because I received an offer to
get my masters degree for free (well...I needed to work at the school
20 hours a week...but...to me - that's relatively free).  He thought
it was an opportunity that I couldn't pass up and I agreed.  It wound
up being tougher on our marriage than we initially thought.  I was in
school for very long days, and I still needed to work outside of
that...plus studying...it didn't allow much free time for us.  He was
miserable, and he hated being back in NY.  I was happy...but I guess
it was because I was busy and I knew I was working towards something
that would eventually be good for us (aka getting a better job in the
long run).  He would come home from work...always bitching...throwing
things around the house...getting crazy.  A side in him I never saw
before - but more than likely cause it was a long distance
relationship.  I'd never seen anyone behave like this and in all
honesty it turned me off.    Prior to this we'd had an extremely
satisfying sex life (2-3x a day).  After this...I wanted nothing to do
with him...and slowly...I started becoming miserable myself.  Our sex
life declined to approx. 3-4 times a month :(   It wasn't till about 2
years later when I graduated from the program that I even realized
it.  We'd both gained weight, and started feeling less attractive.
Honestly at this point divorce had crossed my mind - I didn't want to
live the rest of my life miserable, but I wasn't ready to give up.

After being married 4 years, we decided to have kids...I don't know
what we were thinking, aside from the fact that we wanted them.  I
don't think either of us was ready mentally, and in hindsight I don't
think our relationship wasn't healthy enough to support kids.  We had
a beautiful baby boy, and I realized that I needed to get myself back
into shape and healthy, so that I could be the best mom I could be for
him - not to mention to start feeling better about myself again.  So I
joined LA weight loss.  I was doing great on the program.  Me and my
son would go for walks for hours every day.  I started to drop a lot
of weight.  Hubby came to me one day and said something about missing
some of his old friends and that he would contact them and see how
they've been.  Originally I thought this was a good idea...that maybe
it'd cheer him up.  Well, turns out...the only old "friend" he
contacted was an old girlfriend.  I wasn't happy about this and I made
my feelings clear...but still, one afternoon he took son out and they
went to meet this girl for lunch at his parents house.  Now I really
wasn't happy and he clearly knew it.  Well, I assumed he was done,
he'd caught up and was satisfied.  About 3 months later, while he was
home but supposed to be at work, he received a call on his work cell
phone from this girl.  I overhear the conversation and ask him how
long this has been going on - I had thought it was over.
Apparently...it never stopped.  He'd been helping her find a car, and
a new apartment and never even once mentioned he was even still
talking to her.  Now, I am irate, and tell him no...this is not going
to happen.  In my mind, right or wrong, I believe he cheated on me.
This was a very devastating thing for me.  Since this happened I've
withdrawn from life in general, gained about 40 more lbs.  and am
generally miserable.  He swears up and down he didn't - but should I
have to witness him screwing someone else to believe that he was
unfaithful?? Though I didn't think it possible, our relationship
really tanked from that point on.  I withdrew from him and started
meeting people online - eventually leading to some cyber sex on my
part.  Honestly I didn't consider it cheating because I never actually
slept with anyone..had no physical contact.  Since coming to these
forums and reading every one's opinions on the matter, I have realized
it was a lot worse than I allowed myself to believe originally.  I
guess I was just searching for a way to feel better about myself...I
know...not the right way to go about things.  My husband still does
not know about this.

I was torn between doing the right thing for myself - leaving, and the
right thing for my son - staying.  My son at this point was only a
year old and as I mentioned previously...my mistrust of people
wouldn't allow me to place him in daycare.  If he was abused...he'd
certainly not be able to tell me at that age.  So I decided to stay.
My husband brought up having another child and here I was still
debating divorce...so we started going to marriage counselling.  We
went for about a year and things got a little better and we did decide
to try for another child.  I am 8 months pregnant now.  Hubby has a
convention to attend in California - he doesn't have to go....he wants
to go.  He wants to see his old friends from out there.  It is 3 weeks
before I am due.  We are inconveniencing a multitude of people so he
can go...his sister in law, his mother, my mother, my sister and my
girlfriend so that in case I go into labor I will have someone to
watch my son and possibly someone in the delivery room with me (we
live very far from all of them).  So, one of them will come to house
to watch son and i will take cab to hospital and if another person is
available they will be in the delivery room with me.  He is OK with
sending me on a 45 min. cab ride to the hospital by myself so he can
go.  Does this seem fair or are my pregnancy hormones in overdrive??
Aside from this issue...I can't help but wonder why it's so important
for him to go at this time.  Is he going off to meet other exes from
CA??  I just can't get these thoughts out of my mind.  How do you
learn to trust someone again?  How do you know if someone is even woth
trusting to begin with?

I keep thinking to myself that I just need to make myself happy and
close my mind to everything else.  I just don't know how.  As I said
earlier...I've been to individual counselling...but it didn't help.  I
don't know how to get happy and that's all I'd like to be.  I don't
know if it's possible to raise happy children when I myself am not
happy, no matter how I may try.  Has anyone been in a situation where
they were miserable and found a way out of the gloom??  How did you do
it?

Again, I know I will get some helpful answers, and I know I may get
some that are not so helpful...but I am all ears.  Thanks for reading
this insanely long post.