Family Forum / Marriage / Marriage / July 2007

I've been on the receiving end.  Not about looks but smarts.  It
hurts, bad.

To get that kind of treatment, especially when it is a sore spot, is
so painful.  And coming from the one you love, your SO, it can do
damage.  And this receiver has to fight to get self-wellness back.

I hope someone has some words of wisdom for you Fred.  I wish *I*
could do it, but I wanted you to know the kind of ache in your wife's
heart you could be leaving.  Maybe it is just enough to know that.

I am glad you recognize what you are doing and are asking for help..

Good luck,
Vickie

Well, no, but... it seems to me like kind of a communication issue.
If you felt that you could say these things kindly to your wife, would
you be so likely to blurt it out like this?  I mean, it kind of sounds
like you can't think of a tactful, polite way to say this, so it just
kind of builds up until you explode.  Not a wise thing to do, but you
know that.

It would be VERY easy to say that you need to accept your wife the way
she is, recognize that we all age, and that you are doing it too.  But
you know that, too, and it still bothers you.  So another reasonable
question is, what would you like your wife to do about this, and do
you think it's a reasonable thing to ask of her?  I mean, if I were
your wife and I were able to have a conversation about this in which I
didn't start out by feeling defensive and hurt, I can think of things
that I would probably think perfectly reasonable, and things that I
might not or that I might find difficult to carry out.

I'm wondering if you could be dissatisfied with your wife, or your
relationship with her, in other ways and that's leading you to be picky
about her hair colour. That is, while I believe you that you'd like her to
offer up some resistance to her multiplying grey hairs, I think you should
consider whether they may represent something else you're not happy about.

Do you feel as if she is thinking and behaving as if she is feeling older
and you miss the woman she once was? Are you both a little tired and bored
with your lives and could do with injecting a bit more fun and vitality back
into yourselves and relationship?

No problem! Help you wife develop the skill of "Always consider the
source!" In no time, your remarks will become meaningless and harmless
to her--and so will remarks from other sources. So, you'll be able to
indulge in you habit of speaking before you think; and you'll be able to
ignore the real problem: your own self image.

Another idea is to buy her a nice Lady Smith, load it with rat shot
cartridges, and invite her to take a free shot every time you speak
before you think. I bet you break the habit in no time. The first
recommendation is free, and is not likely to require bandages.

You realize your own flaws, which is commendable, but getting squared
away would show your wife what it means to you--and it would benefit
you, too. Don't you think a sexier Fred would motivate her? I don't know
why she is opposed to coloring her hair, but you need to find out
exactly why. Maybe she enjoys making you suffer [which she might have
learned from you]. Maybe she once had a bad hair-(color)-day! Maybe she
is terrified of growing old, which is too often signaled by the need (in
our society) for hair coloring. Just talk with her! Learn about her!

Do you blurt out painful things to your friends? And isn't your wife
your friend? Would you hit your wife in the face with your fist? Well,
that's what your thoughtless words feel like. I strongly urge you to
begin disciplining your self. Repair your own flaws and learn to never
speak before you think.

________________________
Whatever it takes.

You claim you love your wife of 16 years deeply, yet you "feel a need
to pick on her". Later you say you just blurt these things out.
Really, is it a NEED you can't control or is it an urge? Do you have a
self-control issue? Perhaps the reason why you do it is because you
don't feel good about yourself and feel better when you criticize your
spouse? Ask yourself what you get out of deliberately hurting your
wife...

I've been married for 15 years, and yes, both my husband and I have
less hair, more flab and all that. However, I love looking at his
silvery chest hair and growing love handles because they remind me
that as we're getting older, we're also getting closer, sharing a
special bond that goes way beyond one's appearance. I'm so proud of
him and respect him as my husband, friend, my children's father. It
feels good to know that no matter what, he's going to be there for me
- and I for him.

What happened to 'for better, for worse'; you want the better part
only?

By the way, if this were about hair color only, I'm sure you would
have asked, "How can I help my wife to see that dying her hair can
make her look even more wonderful?" I'm beginning to think you just
might not have a way with words...

I think that when we are doing this kind of thing it is a
projection as others have said, and it is at the same
time a kind of 'test' - you want to check if your wife
feels she 'deserves' your 'love'.

Her response to your criticism helps to make up your
mind -- until the next time you feel the urge. What you
are trying to determine when you make these comments
is where her approval comes from i.e. herself or from
you.

This kind of compulsion is difficult to deny oneself.
It's almost as if we want to hurt the other person but
as soon as the words are out we want to bite them
back.

If you have... how do I phrase this?... a -- let me tell
you how I handle this kind of thing. I ask spirit (that's
the only word I have) to help me get through the
moment and help me to see the situation differently.
And if it comes back I try to remember to ask again.
And again and again.

If I ask for long enough (I guess what I'm trying to say
is if I really want help in getting through it) something
happens to help me see the situation differently.

But this is just my humble opinion.

- Michaela