Family Forum / Marriage / Marriage / July 2007

I am the first to admit, I have some faults I need to overcome.  But how
do you present this without her flying off the handle?

"Women who are abusive toward men usually have unrealistic expectations
and make unrealistic demands of men.  These women will typically
experience repeated episodes of depression, anxiety, frustration and
irritability which they attribute to a man's behavior.  In fact, their
mental and emotional state is the result of their own insecurities,
emotional problems, trauma during childhood or even withdrawal from
alcohol.   They blame men rather than admit their problems, take
responsibility for how they live their lives or do something about how
they make themselves miserable.  They refuse to enter treatment and may
even insist the man needs treatment.   Instead of helping themselves,
they  blame a man for how they feel and believe that a man should do
something to make them feel better. They will often medicate their
emotions with alcohol.  When men can't make them feel better, these
women become frustrated and assume that men are doing this on purpose."

Her dad is the most mellow and calm person I have ever met.  Not living
up to his example is the key point of our marriage failing.  I can't use
such vulgar language as the word "Damn" or I don't respect her.  I'm
fighting 30 years of having a 'bad vocabulary' which included much worse
words than that.  Now, it doesn't matter what I do.  If I show signs
things are improving, it's too little, too late, not enough and she
doesn't trust it.  She wont give me any more encouragement, support, and
since a few months ago, intimacy is no longer an option.  In fact, for
the rest of lives, she doesn't see it happening again.  She had a low
sex drive before we were married, and I have a high one. Short of a
lobotomy I don't see me changing that drastically.  She wants me to
romance her, with no foreseeable reciprocation or even reaction.  If I
am allowed to kiss her, I am to be considered lucky.

I am frustrated, lonely, and definitely alone.  I have had several
friends say to leave.  But I love her.  Am I an idiot?

Talos