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Family Forum / Marriage / Marriage / August 2007Help me understand my husband
I'm 47 yrs. old. My husband and I are both in our third marriage. We've been married 4 yrs. We both have 2 grown children, one boy and one girl each. My son and I moved in with my husband when my son was in high school and my daughter was away at college. At first everything was great. My husband offered to redecorate a bedroom for my son and we started on it right away. The problem? The longer I'm married, the worse he treats my son now. I don't understand it. My son is now 21 years old. He moved to the state of Oregon from Ohio 2 yrs. ago. Things were pretty bad before my son left. My husband would not stop making nasty remarks about my son all of the time. It did not matter what my son did, my husband had something to say about it. My son has attempted to put things behind him and make a new start when he came back home to stay with us for a few months recently. (He is going to GA for Army basic training in Oct. and wanted to visit family and spend some time at home before he left.) The first month went without too many comments by my husband. Now he is back into the full swing of things again. Nothing my son does is right or good enough. He has had a hard time finding a temporary job since he's been home and that just eats at my husband. He said "I don't get to take a 3 month vacation, why should he?" Now his daughter and his son have quit work for extended amounts of time to go to school but my husband makes it his business what my son does. I don't understand why he dislikes my son so much. Why doesn't he realize that by constantly bickering with my son, he is hurting me too. He is not a very easy person to talk to by no means. The only time he talks is to criticize, either me or my son. The rest of the time he is to himself. His last marriage did not include any children. His were already grown and gone. His first marriage, his wife left him and the kids. He is not a very educated man. He is 56 yrs. old and very set in his ways. He was such a generous, kind, giving person when I met him. Why do men present one side to you when you're dating, then change later to someone you don't even know? He is obsessed with money. I feel really bad for my son. He has gone through so much in his life. His father left for another woman when he was 3. I remarried and found husband #2 to be a verbally abusive, angry, posessive person. He treated my son horrible also. They almost seem to be jealous of him. Is that possible? I thought the problem then was the extended family thing. He has 3 kids and my 2. It was very stressful. Anyway, my son's father never came to see him much and when he did we had to have the cops over for something or other. He did a 180 in personality after we divorced. He wasn't all that great with his kids when he had them. Then while my son was in high school his father died of cancer. My son traveled as much as possible to see his dad and tending to his needs. He still won't talk about it. He has lsince lost his grandfather to cancer. He was close to him. Last year his favorite aunt died of cancer and he wasn't able to travel home for the funeral. Now he has a good friend in Oregon with cancer. He acts so strong and unaffected by all of this but I know that he is just keeping it all inside. The more others treat him poorly, the more I feel the need to make up for it. I realize my son is not perfect by no means. I just want him to feel loved by his family. I never wanted my kids to have to pay for any of my mistakes and it seems that my son is. What are your thoughts? > I'm 47 yrs. old. <snip> > What are your thoughts? My thoughts are that someone who is 47 years old should know how to use _paragraphs_ and not write 80 or so lines without a break. Give your readers a break. However, I did slog through about 1/2 your post, and my guess would be that he harbors an intense resentment at having to share his home, life, time and you with your son. Is he being fair or rational about it? It matters not. It is what /they/ call "passive-aggressive" behavior (look it up). I suggest that, instead of talking to us about this, you try talking to him. Your frustration over the situation cannot be cured without communicating with him. You may need a marriage counsellor to help facitate this for you. =R= On Aug 30, 5:02 am, legn...@yahoo.com wrote: > I'm 47 yrs. old. My husband and I are both in our third marriage. > We've been married 4 yrs. We both have 2 grown children, one boy and [quoted text clipped - 51 lines] > > What are your thoughts? My thoughts? First of all it was DAMN hard to read through your post. You should have really taken the time to focus on what really was the problem. In the first half it talks about the problems your son has with your husband. Further down you go on about your son's relationship with his birth father. Then something about your second marriage. Then you talk about your husband kids in a previous marriage. Then something about you having 2 kids and him having 3 when clearly in the the first part of your post, you only mention your son and his daughter. Very confusing. I'll only address your main point, that is, your son and husband conflict. While reading what you say, brings back the situation very similar to my own. Your husband thought you son had a life goal. So while he was in high school, he was willing to give your kid some slack. At 21 now, your son is still living at home, no direction and frankly he getting REALLY pissed off about it. And you are probably not backing him up and siding with your son, telling your husband to basically suck it up. You husband is getting damn tired of dealing with your son's life plans and picking up the slack for your son's bad choices in life. Your son is making plans about his life and you husband has to deal with it, not a nice position to deal with. YOU maybe ok with it, he is not. And you don't understand why your husband is not OK with it. Ok, his kids quit work to go to school, but what is your son doing? While he is home waiting to enlist, what is he doing to contribute to the family? Is he just hanging out, not doing any housework or food shopping? Does he cook a meal? Yeah, your husband probably working his a.s off, comes home and see a 21 year old grown man sitting with his feet up watching Big Brother and then asking you when dinner going to be ready. I find it amazing that 21 year old would move back at home for 3 months and expect someone to "pick up his tab" It would piss me off too. And I'm totally amazed that this isn't glaring you in the face! By you own words you say "My son has attempted to put things behind him" and "I realize my son is not perfect by no means", which lead me to think your son has had some problems in life which has lead him to joing the Army at 21 (what did he do 3 years after high school?). Take a few minutes to visit alt.support.step-parents. It offers very good insight. You asked for my thoughts and not advice. I wil say one thing. You and your husband need to be on the same page and you need to empathise more with him. Talk to him, I mean talk to him and not accuse. Ask him what the two of you should do about your son. What does he feel would be a solution to your son living at home. Maybe he need to suck it up for the next couple of months as long as this is the LAST time he will have to suck it up. Your husband needs to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I have a strong feeling that things will be better between your son and husband when your son is NOT living at home. EB >On Aug 30, 5:02 am, legn...@yahoo.com wrote: >> I'm 47 yrs. old. My husband and I are both in our third marriage. [quoted text clipped - 74 lines] >At 21 now, your son is still living at home, no direction and frankly >he getting REALLY pissed off about it. Actually, if you read through this carefully (which is hard!), the son is going into the Army, and thus has a life goal; he's just home for a couple of months before going off to basic training, so I don't think that the husband's attitude on this is really fair. > >On Aug 30, 5:02 am, legn...@yahoo.com wrote: > >> I'm 47 yrs. old. My husband and I are both in our third marriage. [quoted text clipped - 81 lines] > > - Show quoted text - Maybe I didn't convey my thoughts properly. The problem isn't what the son going to do. It's what is happening now. The son sitting around for 3 months no job, and THAT is what is eating away at the husband. Whether or not it's right he feels this way, who knows. I also said maybe the husband should suck it up for that time period because there is a light at the end of the tunnel. We only have the OP point of view how the husband treats her son. I can tell you from my experience, there are two sides. I was in the exact same situation as the the husband, although I never sniped at my step-son, I did have some resentment on whenever he made a decision about his life, I had to mop up the mistakes. When he was in his mid-twenties and still had no direction, no job and still living at home, it got old. Like I also said, a 56 year old man will have issues with a 21 year moving in for 3 months and doing absolutely NOTHING. I asked the question, what is he doing for those 3 months. OK, he isn't working, so he damn sight better be doing so domestic chores and helping out around the house. Just hanging out partying and having a 3 month vacation at his parents expense may not sit right with step-dad. I also have a strong feeling this was thrust upon the step-dad without any input from him and it was decided between mom and son. Trivial as the time period may seem to mom, son, you and me, this maybe just another barb in the husbard side of yet ANOTHER step-son incident he has to accept. EB >Maybe I didn't convey my thoughts properly. The problem isn't what the >son going to do. [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] >I also said maybe the husband should suck it up for that time period >because there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm with you on that. The fact of the matter is that it's fairly hard, in a lot of areas, to get work for three months, and however badly that sits, it's kind of the way it is. I guess, too, that if son is going into the army, I have a fair amount of sympathy with wanting to spend some time with friends and family before that. >We only have the OP point of view how the husband treats her son. >I can tell you from my experience, there are two sides. [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] >in his mid-twenties and still had no direction, no job and still >living at home, it got old. Agreed. That doesn't really seem to be the case here entirely, though. >Like I also said, a 56 year old man will have issues with a 21 year >moving in for 3 months and doing absolutely NOTHING. [quoted text clipped - 8 lines] >maybe just another barb in the husbard side of yet ANOTHER step-son >incident he has to accept. Yeah... I just think, though, and I admit that I'm totally reading between the lines, that the stepson issue is only the big huge red flag, and that there are a lot of other issues that may be at the heart of the problem.... that possibly the stepson is the symptom rather than the problem, that he snipes at the son rather than dealing with other issues. Pure speculation, though. > Yeah... I just think, though, and I admit that I'm totally reading > between the lines, that the stepson issue is only the big huge red > flag, and that there are a lot of other issues that may be at the > heart of the problem.... that possibly the stepson is the symptom > rather than the problem, that he snipes at the son rather than dealing > with other issues. Pure speculation, though. I honestly think once the step-son in in the Army, living out of the home and on his own two feet, these issue will go away. EB > > Yeah... I just think, though, and I admit that I'm totally reading > > between the lines, that the stepson issue is only the big huge red [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > I honestly think once the step-son in in the Army, living out of the > home and on his own two feet, these issue will go away. She noted that the issues didn't go away when the son left home 2 years ago. Why would they go away when the son leaves again after this visit prior to entering the military? Kitten >> > Yeah... I just think, though, and I admit that I'm totally reading >> > between the lines, that the stepson issue is only the big huge red [quoted text clipped - 11 lines] > > Kitten I'm re-reading the original post. My take on it was the son/husband conflict. Yeah, he went away for 2 years and what has the son done with his life? Obviously, nothing worthwhile because guess what, he is back at home. It will get better because atleast being in the military is somewhat of a life goal, some type of direction, other than "being away somewhere for a few years". I personally think that what the step-dad really wants. EB >>> > Yeah... I just think, though, and I admit that I'm totally reading >>> > between the lines, that the stepson issue is only the big huge red [quoted text clipped - 20 lines] >some type of direction, other than "being away somewhere for a few years". >I personally think that what the step-dad really wants. I still think that you're focusing on the son thing when it's a symptom as much as anything else. From the original post... "He is not a very easy person to talk to by no means. The only time he talks is to criticize, either me or my son. The rest of the time he is to himself. His last marriage did not include any children. His were already grown and gone. His first marriage, his wife left him and the kids. He is not a very educated man. He is 56 yrs. old and very set in his ways. He was such a generous, kind, giving person when I met him. Why do men present one side to you when you're dating, then change later to someone you don't even know? He is obsessed with money" I take "the only time he talks is to criticize,either me or my son" as a huge red flag. The son thing isn't the only problem; it's the part that's intolerable to the OP. >>> > Yeah... I just think, though, and I admit that I'm totally >>> > reading [quoted text clipped - 29 lines] > years". > I personally think that what the step-dad really wants. It could be -- but there are some who enlist, do as little as possible, and come out no better than when they went in. The son could be right back there in a few years and no better off than before. Zorra >What are your thoughts? First, this is your third marriage, and it doesn't exactly seem like any of them have been great successes. So one place to start might be, why is that you consistently make poor choices in men? That sounds like a slam, but it's not; it seems to be what has happened. You say, men are one way before marriage and another way after... and there's a little truth to that in all of us, of course. The more you get to know someone, the more you find out about them... but some of these things should probably have been things that you suspected before marriage. Stepfamilies are hard. It is awful to have your current husband sniping at your child, but it also sounds to me like only one piece of the problems that exist in the marriage. In a month or so, your son will be off to Georgia, but you'll still have to deal with the rest of the problems. I think that if you both want to stay in the marriage, you need to seriously consider counseling. > >What are your thoughts? > [quoted text clipped - 16 lines] > I think that if you both want to stay in the marriage, you need to > seriously consider counseling. This may not help you understand your husband better, but I think it is really good advice. On Aug 30, 12:02 am, legn...@yahoo.com wrote: > The more others treat him > poorly, the more I feel the need to make up for it. I realize my son [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > > What are your thoughts? I think the key to your issues is in the words I clipped above. You say your husband almost seems jealous of your son. Is it possible that you go overboard with your son, out of a sense of guilt? Do you give him special treatment, pamper him, cater to him, let him get away with murder? If this is the case, your husband may very well have reason to be jealous. Maybe he envisioned being King of his castle, but your son already owned that position. While your son continues to be under the same roof, perhaps you've got a triangle relationship, which leaves little room for a marriage. It's a tough situation, because your son really has been through a lot! He's had a difficult life, and with all those deaths of people he loves, you're only being human to worry about him and want to be there for him. But you need to make sure you're balancing this and also giving your DH some of your loyalties too. He needs to feel special and he also needs you to be there for him. If your son was younger, I might say different... but he's a grown adult, not a child. Your role is to provide gentle loving support, yes, but not prop him up. Guilt can be healthy, but too much of it and it becomes the most useless, counterproductive, damaging emotion. So tread carefully there. Don't let your guilt overwhelm you into doing the wrong thing for your DH, your son, and your marriage. jen |
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