Family Forum / Marriage / Marriage / October 2007

I was married to an abusive woman for almost 13 years.

It always gets my gander up when I hear about "insults". Now don't get
me wrong, we can all have a bad day. However, what YOU are describing
is a PATTERN of behaviour that is ongoing and repetative over a longer
period of time.

This, even based on the limited info you provide, is starting to fit
the definistion of abuse.

Since there are children involved (my ex and I did not have any), I
would strongly suggest that you and your wife got into couples
counselling. Obviously there is a problem, and by what you state it
has gone on for a while, and neither of you has even identified the
root-cause - never mind approached resolving the problem.

There is NO shame in getting a little help to smooth out the rough
edges, and it just might save your marraige in the long-term.

Now, there is a tell-tale red-flag coming up...

If, when you suggest couples counselling, your wife goes into a
tail-spin and says it would be a waste of time and money, or "there is
nothing wrong with me - its all YOUR problem", or any one of about
1000 other tiraids, then there is a good chance your wife is abusive,
and your marraige may not be saveable.

Don't think for a moment that you can solve the problem on your own.
Whatever problem that exisists, exisits between the two of you! and it
will take both of you to solve. If she refuses to be part of the
solution, then she is part of the problem - and the problem will only
get worse with time if not addressed.

Been there, done that.

I am NOT saying that our problem(s) cannot be addressed. What I am
saying is that you cannot address problems unless you BOTH participate
in the solution. And, of course, problems that are left to rot and
fester will NOT be condusive to the long-term health of your marraige.

hth

1) Realize that insults about household chores is nothing in the grand
scheme of things.

2) Is there some sort of agreement where "housework" is primarily her
job, and something else, maybe, is your job?

I'm not sure this is adding up to me.

Once or twice a year, your wife gets upset and insults you, but you
usually get over it. Now, her behavior is not ok, and in the best of all
possible worlds our spouses would never insult us. But it doesn't sound
like she's constantly running you down or you're at each other's throats.

This last time your wife insulted you, you've been in a funk for a few days.

You have disagreements--sometimes--over the amount of housework each of
you does that are causing stress.

Everything else is hunky-dorey.

But she wants to separate (and has talked about this before)?

On the surface, it seems like a way overblown reaction to relatively
minor problems. Which leads me to consider the possibility that there
are additional problems she's either (1) not bothered to inform you
about (including the ever-present, ugly possibility that she's fallen in
love or lust with someone else), (2) not sufficiently conscious of to
articulate (depression or medical issues that can affect the emotions
and cognition such as thyroid or diabetes), or (3) tried to inform you
about without the message getting through.

Well, If you stop giving her the attention that she diserve, off
course she will feel like she is wasting her time b/c you not giving
her enogh attention . You have to be more open and help her to
understand you why you are in  low mood. before its too late. That is
exactly what happened in my marrage, it is too late for him to explain
what happened, why he lost interst in most of the thing we use to do.
I waited too long begging to tell me what just happened but the answer
was nothing, he doesn't even want to talk about it. well now the
marrge is falling a part. I learn to be just alone and find my
happines he never ask me, we did separate, it has been 7 month now but
for me, I feel like he left me with no answer. I know this might be
for better,,  i never miss him, I don't think i should miss been
confuse and wondering what i did roung.
so be more open and share with her what is in your mind. she will
understand. Good luck