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Family Forum / Marriage / Marriage / December 2007Deep Resentment???
Hi All, Wonder if anyone has ideas on how to overcome deep resentment toward my wife? You see, she decided to have a second child but as soon as she became pregnant my life went to hell. She started screaming at our one-year- old at all hours which led to me having serious sleep deprivation. She isn't very clean (leaves food on plates in the sink and counters) but after becoming pregnant our wonderful home which I worked very hard for became a dump, absolutely filthy. She then demanded a new car and a trip to Europe to see family (she is from Italy). Over the last six months of the pregnancy she did everything possible to drive me insane - I begged and pleaded, I got mad and smashed stuff... but she didn't care!!! Or at least it seemed like it. No matter what I did the screaming, filth, crappy food and demands carried on. It got so bad - the lack of sleep, the filth, the poor diet - I started having panic attacks. I lost about 20 lbs. I look like I have aged 20 years. The job I had at the time was also stressful and I just failed to function... I completely lost it. For those who haven't read about or had panic attacks, I cannot under state the devastating effect. I'm only 40 an felt like I was dying, like a large strap was constricting around my chest. I have worked for police departments and have been shot at and NEVER had panic attacks, but six months of screaming, sleep deprivation, crappy canned food and a filthy house... and I snapped! It was literally torcher. Her behavior led to the sale of a house I loved very much - I couldn't continue on at work. After the sale of the house, the reality of it hit her. We had 1/2 an acre in Arizona. We moved to Utah (I hoped all the moms/kids here would help). But now I really resent it and her. I hate the cold. I hate the snow. I loved Arizona. I feel like I've been ripped off. She now quit screaming at the first born and I can sleep again. I'm going to lose teeth because of that time in my life - I started grinding me teeth at all hours, and I never smile any more. I think part of it may be my fault. For some reason folks in my life have taken advantage of me - family borrowing money, etc. I'm slow to react but harsh and slow to forgive when the anger finally comes. I think I'm generally too trusting and nice to folks I know, especially family. Whatever the case, I haven't picked up my second son more than a dozen times since his birth six months ago, and I can barely stand to be in the same room with my wife. I don't say much but think she is slowing getting the point. I can't believe her desire to have another kid made her so blind, so willing to toss off her duties and so willing to ruin a household. But I've only figured it out in retrospect, and it seems my anger and disillusionment over the situation is only growing. Thanks for any advice... On Dec 28, 11:06 pm, theaspwebco...@gmail.com wrote: > Hi All, > [quoted text clipped - 54 lines] > > Thanks for any advice... Have you gotten any help from a p-doc? You should talk to someone. I've struggled with panic since I was 13 and I do know the utter terror you feel. You need help, someone to point you in the right direction; whether meds is needed and/or CBT. I don't know why your wife lost it so badly, I hope you don't blame yourself or figure it to be anything you did. You are going to have to put yourself first for awhile, otherwise you will be no help to anyone. I know that sounds tough with the kids and all, but you need to. While looking for a good therapist, try and take one day at a time, or one moment at a time if you need to. When you feel panic or anger approaching put the kids in a stroller and go walk, or go by yourself if need be. Walking helps with panic. Write a plan. It can be daily or monthly, anything. It will help you feel more in control. Write the things you want to accomplish, like chores, something you can do for your newborn, an hour to spend with the older child. You can write bigger things also, like career goal or when you will move back to AZ. When panic hits me hard, I write more than one list a day. Maybe this can help you too. I think once you can get yourself back into a more healthy area, you can then work on the resentment you feel toward your wife. That is going to be difficult and probably is something you can work out with a therapist also. You have to be able to talk with her, to tell her how you feel and let her know how angry you are about what transpired. Time may be the only way for the resentment to fade. Give yourself time. I wish you best, steady on, Vickie > Hi All, > [quoted text clipped - 54 lines] > > Thanks for any advice... Several things about your post bothered me: First, you said *she* decided to have a second child. Do you mean that she decided it unilaterally against your express wishes? If so, you have a huge problem here. How will you ever trust her to be your partner if she ignores your wishes completely? However, then you go on to describe a major personality change during the pregnancy. Women's bodies go through all kinds of changes during pregnancy, and it's different not only from woman to woman, but from pregnancy to pregnancy as well. It sounds like for whatever reason, her second pregnancy was Hell on her. And it bothers me that when she started screaming at your one year old at all hours, your only reaction was to get upset about the sleep you were losing. If she really entered this pregnancy without your consent, then I can understand not having much of a desire to help her out during it, but I don't understand not helping out your older child. And by not trying to help her out, you only hurt your child and yourself in the long run. Now she's had the second child, and has stopped screaming at the older one. Good. So it's time to take stock and see how you can improve the situation. First: You would likely benefit from some counseling. I'm not going to address the panic attack stuff because I don't know much about it. But you and your wife could use some counseling to resolve the issues that came to light when she decided to get pregnant. You need to let go of the resentment, and she needs to understand that she cannot ignore your needs. Second: It's not too late to bond with your second child. You recognize that you are holding the resentment you feel against her against him as well. You don't feel much of a desire to hold him, okay. But knowing that, you need to make a special effort to do it. Take over the bath or bedtime routine. And/or make a point once a week or so to take both kids out alone to spend time with them. I'm betting that just spending the time with him will allow the bond to grow. If it doesn't, then you will have to address that in counseling as well. But this is your child, you cannot afford to ignore this problem. Finally, about the move....It sounds like the move to Utah was somewhat sudden -- a pretty extreme reaction to a temporary situation. I'm sorry you are unhappy, but I don't think that an equally reactive move back to Arizona would be a good idea. Take some time to figure the rest of this stuff out, and then hopefully the two of you can discuss together what is best for your family. Good luck. Zorra > First, you said *she* decided to have a second child. Do you mean that she > decided it unilaterally against your express wishes? YES - I do mean that! I did not explicitly come out and say "NO MORE KIDS", but any reasonable and prudent person would have gotten the hint. The first child came six weeks early; my wife was in the ICU for two weeks and the baby was in the NICU for three. She had absolutely no business not explicitly stating her desire to have another child and allowing a plan for it. > It sounds like for whatever reason, her second pregnancy was Hell on her. Yeah... and she shared it. > And it bothers me that when she started screaming at your one year old at all > hours, your only reaction was to get upset about the sleep you were losing. Nah, the 1st kid wakes up every two hours - has since birth. The screaming was short - about 30 seconds, typically a scolding like "[son's name] lay down!" - but enough to continually wake me up very startled. It was like getting woken up to electric shock randomly throughout the night. My wife doesn't/hasn't worked. I do! > I'm not going to address the panic attack stuff because I don't know much about it. As I mentioned earlier, a panic attack is the most terrifying experience I've ever had. I've raced supercross (motobikes), I've been in bare knuckle fights with street thugs, I've been shot at... AND NOTHING, and I do mean nothing comes close to the devastating impact as a panic attack. You can read about it here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Panic_attack In my case, prolonged sleep deprivation coupled with routine startling awakenings and depression from filthy living conditions was enough to do it. There was absolutely no need for it! All in all the tone of your reply was enough. I've pretty well figured Babylon America was a placed ruled by women, and is a deeply effeminate culture. A woman can forgo work, her duties, scream, live filthy and drive a healthy man insane... and the reply to the man is "get counseling"??? Bwahahaha!!! I thought I was crazy! Yah, but I'm not stupid. On Dec 30, 5:00 am, theaspwebco...@gmail.com wrote: > > First, you said *she* decided to have a second child. Do you mean that she > > decided it unilaterally against your express wishes? [quoted text clipped - 39 lines] > "get counseling"??? Bwahahaha!!! I thought I was crazy! Yah, but > I'm not stupid. Back in the day I would have given you some tone as well. The tone of your post says "troll" or "flame bait" or "childish". How the heck does a woman caring for a baby and being pregnant give you sleep deprivation ? She had to be exhausted all on her own. How did she decide to have a baby all on her own ? Did she lie to you about her being on birth control ? Did she become pregnant from another man ? Her behavior led to the sale of your home ? Was she responsible for the mortgage payments and failed to make them ? Unless you put your house up for a fire sale, it probably took months to hire the realtor, market, show, sell and close the deal. I'd figure at some point you would ask: Is this something I want to do ? It's pretty hard to sell a house spontaneously. Filthy house ? What's the matter ? Is your arm broken ? Crappy food ? Why don't you cook something you like once in a while ? I know a little something about Utah. Are you or her LDS ? Cold and snow ? Who picked the town you live in ? Sheesh... I must really be bored this morning. > All in all the tone of your reply was enough. I've pretty well > figured Babylon America was a placed ruled by women, and is a deeply > effeminate culture. A woman can forgo work, her duties, scream, live > filthy and drive a healthy man insane... and the reply to the man is > "get counseling"??? Bwahahaha!!! I thought I was crazy! Yah, but > I'm not stupid. You have two very young children. You have not wanted to divorce their mother. I suggested that you get marital counseling to help heal the marriage, and that you learn to bond with your younger child. I really don't see what I said to cause such anger. Zorra |
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