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Family Forum / Marriage / Marriage / March 2008No response
Why would a spouse pretend they don't hear you? Constantly make you repeat things you say or ask? Do they think things are none of your business? Do they think what was said was too stupid for a reply? Vickie > Why would a spouse pretend they don't hear you? > Constantly make you repeat things you say or ask? > > Do they think things are none of your business? > > Do they think what was said was too stupid for a reply? Are you sure he's pretending and not just so wrapped up in his own head that he really doesn't hear? Zorra > > Why would a spouse pretend they don't hear you? > > Constantly make you repeat things you say or ask? [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > Are you sure he's pretending and not just so wrapped up in his own head that he > really doesn't hear? I thought of that. But it happens so often. Could he be wrapped up that much? Also the subject of the questions kind of have a relevance too, so I am thinking no mostly to your question, but yes for a small percentage of the time. All I know is it hurts and I am left feeling either dumb as a post or not worth the time to speak to. Vickie >>> Why would a spouse pretend they don't hear you? >>> Constantly make you repeat things you say or ask? [quoted text clipped - 17 lines] > > Vickie It begins more and more to sound as if techniques for getting through to preschoolers would work well with your husband. >>>> Why would a spouse pretend they don't hear you? >>>> Constantly make you repeat things you say or ask? [quoted text clipped - 20 lines] > It begins more and more to sound as if techniques for getting through > to preschoolers would work well with your husband. I suppose anything is worth a shot, but I still think that treating him like a pre-schooler will do nothing more than make him angrier. Zorra > >>>> Why would a spouse pretend they don't hear you? > >>>> Constantly make you repeat things you say or ask? [quoted text clipped - 23 lines] > I suppose anything is worth a shot, but I still think that treating him like a > pre-schooler will do nothing more than make him angrier. Yeah, I think that is what would happen too. V > Constantly make you repeat things you say or ask? Stephanie wrote: > It begins more and more to sound as if techniques for getting through > to preschoolers would work well with your husband. Zorra wrote: > I still think that treating him like a pre-schooler will do nothing > more than make him angrier. > Yeah, I think that is what would happen too. How about treating him like a computer? Walk up and say "Interrupt request". Pause until you have his attention. After fifteen seconds, if no response, say "Interrupt request" again. Darren Provine ! kilroy@elvis.rowan.edu ! http://www.rowan.edu/~kilroy "[Your brain] is just a wet Turing machine." -- Nancy L Tinkham > > Constantly make you repeat things you say or ask? > [quoted text clipped - 12 lines] > Walk up and say "Interrupt request". Pause until you have his attention. > After fifteen seconds, if no response, say "Interrupt request" again. Good one! >>> Constantly make you repeat things you say or ask? >> [quoted text clipped - 14 lines] > > Good one! I know he's knowledgeable about computers, but give me a few minutes with his computer's BIOS, and I'm sure we can resolve some WOW problems, permanently. >> > Constantly make you repeat things you say or ask? >> [quoted text clipped - 14 lines] > > Good one! Actually, that isn't far off from my perspective. I am the person mostly likely not to answer my spouse, in our relationship. Sometimes it is about not wanting to give up what I am doing right now, and being a little bit resentful that he seems to. Earllier in our relationship, he would call out and expect me to stop what I was doing and come running to see what he founded important. That was remedied fairly quickly. But he still comes in the door, and if I am doing something on the computer, stands woefully in front of it "Whatcha doin'?" Or "Hey, you got an Amazon box in here. You going to open it.?" Or the one that drives me the battiest ":::as I hang up the phone::: who was that?" It isn't that I mind him knowing ANY of the information. What bothers me is that I can't share on my own time. He knows the box on the table will be opened SOMETIME, and at that point, he'll know what is in it. He knows I don't keep conversations secret from him, and, eventually he'll hear all about it, but it often feels like I am being smothered with requests for info that I'll kist like to disseminated in my own time. When I want to talk to DH, I come in to wherever he is (let's say the couch in the tv room) and just start watching the show. Within 10 min or so either it comes to a lull, or he notices me there, and I say, "When you are done, can we blah, blah, blah." To ME, that is perferred, because it doesn't feel as demanding. Sheila >> I suppose anything is worth a shot, but I still think that treating him like a >> pre-schooler will do nothing more than make him angrier. > >Yeah, I think that is what would happen too. So........is that a bad thing? Why is it so important that Vickie not anger him? Why should she continue to molly-coddle someone who treats her so badly? Is this really what marriage is all about? Trying to figure out exactly how to play the game so that the other person will want to be a partner? I would hate that. In fact, I DID hate that.  SignatureLauri in WA >>> I suppose anything is worth a shot, but I still think that treating him >>> like a [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > anger him? Why should she continue to molly-coddle someone who treats > her so badly? What Lauri said. 'Cause walking on eggshells to prevent somebody from getting angry sucks and is no way to live - and is harmful for everybody involved. >>>> I suppose anything is worth a shot, but I still think that >>>> treating him like a [quoted text clipped - 9 lines] > getting angry sucks and is no way to live - and is harmful for > everybody involved. I was going to answer you in the longer post you gave about the difference between angering someone and them getting angry, but perhaps you've read my response to Lauri now. I agree that walking on eggshells is no way to live. I agree that she needs to stand up for herself more. And I agree that if she has something she really wants or needs to do, she should do it and not worry if he's unreasonably angry. But in *this* particular case, I don't see the value in doing something so likely to anger him (result in him getting angry?) and so unlikely to produce any positive change. Zorra >>> I suppose anything is worth a shot, but I still think that treating >>> him like a pre-schooler will do nothing more than make him angrier. [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > anger him? Why should she continue to molly-coddle someone who treats > her so badly? No, that's not the point. Look if it was about him getting angry because Vickie was doing something for her benefit, it would be different. And I'd be all for saying, "Go for it and forget what he says." But this is a different situation -- it was suggested that treating him like a preschooler might effect a change in his behavior. And I don't believe it will have the desired effect. Do you understand? It's not about changing her behavior in order to molly-coddle him...it's about not doing something that she has no desire to do anyway, because it won't help the situation. Zorra > Is this really what marriage is all about? Trying to figure out > exactly how to play the game so that the other person will want to be > a partner? I would hate that. In fact, I DID hate that. >>>> I suppose anything is worth a shot, but I still think that treating >>>> him like a pre-schooler will do nothing more than make him angrier. [quoted text clipped - 15 lines] > molly-coddle him...it's about not doing something that she has no desire > to do anyway, because it won't help the situation. That's the part that I'm struggling with - the idea that bringing things to a head won't help the situation. I guess that depends on what you mean by "help the situation". If you mean "maintain the status quo", then probably failure to molly-coddle won't do that. If it means "not maintaining the status quo, because the status quo isn't working", then bringing things to a head might help, one way or the other. Thing is, you've got to be willing to accept the consequences whichever way it turns out - so most people don't go there until they are seriously burned out on what-ever-the-problem-is. Which is often too late. Which is why some people suggested that waiting too long to bring things out into the open is also dangerous. >>>>> I suppose anything is worth a shot, but I still think that >>>>> treating him like a pre-schooler will do nothing more than make [quoted text clipped - 29 lines] > people suggested that waiting too long to bring things out into the > open is also dangerous. Well, now this is different. You may well believe that purposely making him angry in this way will help (but then it would be angering him, right?). I don't agree, but it's possible, and she can give it a try if she wants. Zorra >Well, now this is different. You may well believe that purposely making him >angry in this way will help (but then it would be angering him, right?). I >don't agree, but it's possible, and she can give it a try if she wants. I guess I don't see it as "purposely making him angry". It seems to me that you are cautioning her to not do anything to upset him, since it won't change his behavior anyway. My take is that people should go ahead and risk the anger, because sometimes that's what happens when people stand up for themselves--someone else initially gets angry, because the status quo has been upset. It actually sounds to me like Vickie's husband keeps her "in line" (quiet and docile) by keeping her off balance. By always keeping her guessing, and by keeping her hopping and jumping through hoops, trying to understand what it is he wants so she can be that. The problem is that either he doesn't know what he wants, or he somehow finds it rewarding to hide it from her, in order to keep her hopping. That is very, very troubling to me. Even more troubling is the possibility that he's being this way because he just doesn't give a sh.t anymore. And Zorra, if I may say.....I think that your feelings about it being a bad thing to make him angry are understandable, because it seems to me that that is how Mr. Zorra keeps you hopping--by his anger. So it's understandable that anything that might potentially make him angry would seem like a bad thing to you. I hope that doesn't sound like I'm trying to be insulting to you; I don't really have the knack of phrasing things in a tactful way but I'm just wondering if that's why you see the possiblity of Vickie making her husband mad as such a bad thing. SignatureLauri in WA >> Well, now this is different. You may well believe that purposely >> making him angry in this way will help (but then it would be [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > me that you are cautioning her to not do anything to upset him, since > it won't change his behavior anyway. No, I don't have a problem with her making him angry. In fact you can ask her -- I was one of the first advising her that trying to keep him happy would actually end up making things worse in the long run, even if it seemed to help in the short run. And I told her to be prepared, because if she started standing up for herself, things would seem much worse temporarily because he would get angry about it, but that it was still her best bet to making things better in the long run. I don't know how to put it more clearly. It's not angering him that I think is a bad idea, it's angering him *to no purpose*. And I believe that "treating him like a preschooler," which is what had been suggested, is counter-productive. > My take is that people should go > ahead and risk the anger, because sometimes that's what happens when [quoted text clipped - 19 lines] > why you see the possiblity of Vickie making her husband mad as such a > bad thing. Well, I can see why you would say this. It's true that having lived in a house full of anger for so long, I do try to avoid conflict when I can. It's certainly easier to advise someone else to risk anger than to do it yourself, day after day, year after year, when you already feel like you are living in a war zone. Zorra >>> Well, now this is different. You may well believe that purposely >>> making him angry in this way will help (but then it would be [quoted text clipped - 17 lines] > believe that "treating him like a preschooler," which is what had > been suggested, is counter-productive. I think you mistook my meaning when I said treating him like a preschooler as a perjorative. I meant it more as treat him as a person who needs to be taught a little about becoming civilized. Would it be to no purpose to get face to face with him when speaking thus indicating that simply ignoring is not an option? >> My take is that people should go >> ahead and risk the anger, because sometimes that's what happens when [quoted text clipped - 27 lines] > > Zorra >>>> Well, now this is different. You may well believe that purposely >>>> making him angry in this way will help (but then it would be [quoted text clipped - 23 lines] > Would it be to no purpose to get face to face with him when speaking > thus indicating that simply ignoring is not an option? Perhaps then you should not have called it treating him like a pre-schooler, because if you'd simply said "making sure you have his attention before you speak to him" then I wouldn't have objected. Adults in general react very badly to being treated like children. As for getting face to face with him, that might be difficult as he's usually face to face with the computer. Zorra >>>>> Well, now this is different. You may well believe that purposely >>>>> making him angry in this way will help (but then it would be [quoted text clipped - 27 lines] > pre-schooler, because if you'd simply said "making sure you have his > attention before you speak to him" then I wouldn't have objected. Because that is how I treat my preschooler. Most of the grown ups I know don't require that kind of molly coddling. > Adults in general react very badly to being treated like children. Let him react badly. If he has to react badly, maybe he will see a need to get his head out of his a.s and stop *being* a child. > As for getting face to face with him, that might be difficult as he's > usually face to face with the computer. > > Zorra > >>>>> Well, now this is different. You may well believe that purposely > >>>>> making him angry in this way will help (but then it would be [quoted text clipped - 44 lines] > > - Show quoted text - Unfortunately, I don't think Vickie's husband would come to that recognition. He sounds like the type person that would just get pissed off. >>>>>> Well, now this is different. You may well believe that purposely >>>>>> making him angry in this way will help (but then it would be [quoted text clipped - 35 lines] > Let him react badly. If he has to react badly, maybe he will see a > need to get his head out of his a.s and stop *being* a child. And it is my opinion, based on what I know of Vickie's husband, that this will not happen. Of course she knows him better than I do, so perhaps she thinks it's worth a shot. Zorra >> As for getting face to face with him, that might be difficult as he's >> usually face to face with the computer. >> >> Zorra >>>>>>> Well, now this is different. You may well believe that purposely >>>>>>> making him angry in this way will help (but then it would be [quoted text clipped - 46 lines] >>> >>> Zorra My guess is that it would be a matter of how long the "behavior readjustment" was applied. If she did it once, it would be useless. > >>>>>> Well, now this is different. You may well believe that purposely > >>>>>> making him angry in this way will help (but then it would be [quoted text clipped - 39 lines] > not happen. Of course she knows him better than I do, so perhaps she thinks > it's worth a shot. No, I really don't think I could do this. Besides the reply would more likely be, "Whatever Vickie". V >>>>>> Well, now this is different. You may well believe that purposely >>>>>> making him angry in this way will help (but then it would be [quoted text clipped - 35 lines] >Let him react badly. If he has to react badly, maybe he will see a need to >get his head out of his a.s and stop *being* a child. The trouble is, this is what would happen in a perfect world. And it's what *should* happen. But everybody's different. If I treated my husband like a child... or in fact did anything that smacked of direct retaliatory behavior... he would go through the ceiling first and ask question later. And it would take literally days for it to come close to blowing over. For a lot of reasons, that would be the sort of thing that would be JUST the wrong thing to do. But on the other hand, he'd be perfectly wonderful about just talking about whatever the problem was. The trouble with Mr. Vickie is that he's basically checked out, and, as I said before, he's acting like a sullen teenager. So treating him like the overgrown child that he is will probably only result in a LOT of anger. And reasoning with him doesn't work, because he's checked out... and in fact, in a way, he's treating Vickie like a parent... "I don't want to listen to you, you're stupid, and you can't make me listen." So there is no effective way of engaging. I suspect that what's going to HAVE to happen here eventually is a lot of conflict. A lot of very unpleasant conflict, which may or may not end up in an intact marriage. If I were Vickie, I'd want to have all my ducks lined up before that happened... and by that, specifically, I mean that I'd want to have a therapist, I'd want to have a clear idea of what I wanted out of the marriage and what I was and was not willing to tolerate, and I'd want to feel very clear about what I wanted. Sometimes it takes years and years to get to that point... for me, it took the better part of a decade, and by that time, I was just done. But my first marriage wasn't a hostile environment in this sense; it was more inertia and the avoidance of conflict and things like that. In an actively hostile environment, I think I would have gotten there a lot faster. > >>>>>> Well, now this is different. You may well believe that purposely > >>>>>> making him angry in this way will help (but then it would be [quoted text clipped - 54 lines] > don't want to listen to you, you're stupid, and you can't make me > listen." So there is no effective way of engaging. This is probably as good a place as any for me to say something I've wanted to say about this thread, related to the notion of "treating people like children," and doesn't have much to do with your post. I think your simile is apt in that I agree Mr Vickie is acting like a sullen teenager. My experience with sullen teenagers is that if you retaliate in kind with the goal of teaching them a message, it is more likely to distance them than to teach them a message. So I'd suggest that treating Mr Vickie like the sullen teenager he is behaving as may indeed be appropriate, provided one has a tactic that would actually _work_ with a sullen teenager. The problem with "treating someone like a child" is that often when people are saying that they are envisioning some manner of treatment that wouldn't actually be all that effective on children anyhow. I don't think the distinction between how one treats children and adults should normally be very big. One's behavior toward others is (and should be) influenced by how they treat you, how you want to model being treated, and how you choose to reinforce good treatment and discourage bad treatment. As far as one's own children go, this is complicated by the whole unconditional love thing one tends to feel for one's child, and by the power one has over one's children. > I suspect that what's going to HAVE to happen here eventually is a lot > of conflict. A lot of very unpleasant conflict, which may or may not [quoted text clipped - 11 lines] > In an actively hostile environment, I think I would have gotten there > a lot faster. Perhaps you would have gotten to the point where it was intolerable before you got to the point where you no longer cared about saving your marriage? e >> Sometimes it takes years and years to get to that point... for me, it >> took the better part of a decade, and by that time, I was just done. [quoted text clipped - 6 lines] >before you got to the point where you no longer cared about saving >your marriage? Absolutely. I mean, in some ways, that would have been (weirdly enough) a good thing, one way or another. If there had been a really hostile environment... or a "real" problem, like alcoholism or affairs... then I would have done something about it a lot earlier, and then maybe there would have been some chance of saving it. As it was, it was like trying to move air... you couldn't get a grasp on the problems, or maybe they weren't problems, or maybe it was just me... and so it drifted on and on, until I reached a combination of desperation and indifference, and then it was just too late. My mother used to have a quote tacked up... " The rust of caution destroys more men than the attrition of action." I have no idea who said that, but I think that there's a huge amount of truth to it. > >> Sometimes it takes years and years to get to that point... for me, it > >> took the better part of a decade, and by that time, I was just done. [quoted text clipped - 16 lines] > and so it drifted on and on, until I reached a combination of > desperation and indifference, and then it was just too late. That's interesting. I never thought about this before. >This is probably as good a place as any for me to say something I've >wanted to say about this thread, related to the notion of "treating [quoted text clipped - 21 lines] >unconditional love thing one tends to feel for one's child, and by the >power one has over one's children. The main cure for being a sullen teenager is age and experience, but the fact that you have (a tiny bit of) power over a child in your house. It's pretty hard to apply that effectively to an adult. I have to say, though, that doing unto others as they actually do unto you is a fairly practical approach to a lot of these things. The thing that, I have to say, just really bugs me from some kind of fairness point of view is that it seems to me that Mr. Vickie is getting all the things that he wants and being allowed to skip out of all the things that he doesn't want. A sullen teenager in my house would not be getting the things that wants if he was not also willing to do some of the things that he didn't want to do. And interact in a reasonably pleasant fashion. Not my husband or child, not my house, not my problem... but it irks me. > >This is probably as good a place as any for me to say something I've > >wanted to say about this thread, related to the notion of "treating [quoted text clipped - 32 lines] > getting all the things that he wants and being allowed to skip out of > all the things that he doesn't want. Well, sort of. I mean he's obviously unhappy too. (Like a sullen teenager.) So even though he's getting away with bad behavior, it isn't _really_ getting him what he wants (whatever that is). At the same time, there is this feature of being an adult (some of which holds for teenagers too) which is that depending on what it is you want, it is quite possible to get it and to continue to treat your family badly. Ultimately there is a price as you destroy (or fail to build) relationships with your family. Who can say if that is a price that Mr Vickie minds paying? >> >This is probably as good a place as any for me to say something I've >> >wanted to say about this thread, related to the notion of "treating [quoted text clipped - 43 lines] > build) relationships with your family. Who can say if that is a price > that Mr Vickie minds paying? Here is a total tangent that I have been thinking about. It seems to me that some people go through their lives, day to day, without ever *thinking.* I am picturing the Mr Vickie that Vickie has portrayed over time. He is a good man, she says. But he is also a screaming jerk. My guess is that, over time, he got in the habit of blowing off steam at home. And maybe blowing off steam at first made him feel better. But then maybe Vickie took it. And took it, until Mr Vickie no longer feels good about it. But does not stop and THINK about the things that could be causing his woes, just shuffles on with Wow (escape) and bellowing. I am *completely* projecting a feeling about their scene which could be utter horse pucky. But I will bent he is so wrapped up in some form of denial of fears of his own self worth. That is the only thing I can think of whicuh would cause you to deny facing your own role in a situation like this. >> >>>>>> Well, now this is different. You may well believe that purposely >> >>>>>> making him angry in this way will help (but then it would be [quoted text clipped - 75 lines] > people are saying that they are envisioning some manner of treatment > that wouldn't actually be all that effective on children anyhow. I think the most interesting thing about this thread is what peopel have interpretted "treating someone like a child" means! Makes me wonder how they treat their children! :) > I don't think the distinction between how one treats children and > adults should normally be very big. One's behavior toward others is > (and should be) influenced by how they treat you, how you want to > model being treated, and how you choose to reinforce good treatment > and discourage bad treatment. I agree. The difference with children is that the often need to be reminded of where *your* limits lie. > As far as one's own children go, this is complicated by the whole > unconditional love thing one tends to feel for one's child, and by the [quoted text clipped - 20 lines] > your marriage? > e > I think the most interesting thing about this thread is what peopel have > interpretted "treating someone like a child" means! Makes me wonder how they > treat their children! :) I think I am the only one so far who has 'fessed up to how I actually treat my children. :-) Everyone else has been too wise. Treating someone like a child to me means treating them like someone who doesn't have all the experience and tools an adult is supposed to have. I would likely not refuse to run my H's errand as a logical consequence of his snappishly refusing to help me out, because we handle these things in a different way. For example, we give each other slack for a while, without it turning into reinforcing a bad habit. IME, if I gave my teenagers as much slack to treat me inconsiderately, it would spiral into something bad. Whereas I can let DH be snappish and he'll usually realize he was out of line and apologize. If I were married to someone who was as constantly out of line as I perceive Mr. Vickie to be, I don't know exactly how I would react. Not well I suspect! But from my vantage point over here, treating him like a teenager - immediate and uniform natural consequences when behavior passes a point of acceptability - might be appropriate. >> I think the most interesting thing about this thread is what peopel have >> interpretted "treating someone like a child" means! Makes me wonder how [quoted text clipped - 19 lines] > a teenager - immediate and uniform natural consequences when behavior > passes a point of acceptability - might be appropriate. Nicely put. >> I think the most interesting thing about this thread is what peopel >> have interpretted "treating someone like a child" means! Makes me >> wonder how they treat their children! :) > > I think I am the only one so far who has 'fessed up to how I actually > treat my children. :-) Everyone else has been too wise. I'll confess here that there can be some brief satisfaction gained from adopting a fish-wife stance and letting my outrage and indignation be voiced fairly loudly where older teenagers are concerned, however little it actually helps the irritating situation! Stephanie, on the other hand, always speak very respectfully about her children so I assumed she meant it in the way you've put it below. > Treating someone like a child to me means treating them like someone > who doesn't have all the experience and tools an adult is supposed to [quoted text clipped - 12 lines] > him like a teenager - immediate and uniform natural consequences when > behavior passes a point of acceptability - might be appropriate. I think so. However, I think any kind of boundary-setting Vickie tries to impose on her husband at this point in their relationship is bound to produce either outright anger or him blowing her off in a rude manner. That doesn't mean I think she shouldn't set them anyway. I feel very strongly that letting our intimates treat us badly is almost as bad for them as it is for us. Hey, Vickie'd be doing her husband an actual service by refusing to let him treat her as an adversary! >>> I think the most interesting thing about this thread is what peopel >>> have interpretted "treating someone like a child" means! Makes me [quoted text clipped - 32 lines] > bound to produce either outright anger or him blowing her off in a > rude manner. Certainly at first. But over time, as it begins to sink in that the status quo is changing whether he likes it or not? > That doesn't mean I think she shouldn't set them anyway. > I feel very strongly that letting our intimates treat us badly is > almost as bad for them as it is for us. Hey, Vickie'd be doing her > husband an actual service by refusing to let him treat her as an > adversary! >>>> I think the most interesting thing about this thread is what peopel >>>> have interpretted "treating someone like a child" means! Makes me [quoted text clipped - 37 lines] > Certainly at first. But over time, as it begins to sink in that the > status quo is changing whether he likes it or not? Then he feels that Vickie has abandoned him, and he grows ever more bitter and resentful, and the two of them move farther and farther apart, living their separate lives, neither doing for each other, and eventually losing whatever loving feelings they have. Zorra >>>>> I think the most interesting thing about this thread is what peopel >>>>> have interpretted "treating someone like a child" means! Makes me [quoted text clipped - 42 lines] >separate lives, neither doing for each other, and eventually losing whatever >loving feelings they have. Well, you are a cheerful bunny this morning! ;-) I agree with your overall point about the likelihood that any boundary-setting that Vickie does at this point is likely to produce negative results. But on the other hand, what you describe above is pretty much what I think is happening now, anyway. (Except maybe the Vickie abandoning him part, because frankly it seems unlikely to me that he's thinking of this sort of thing in that kind of emotionally nuanced way, but who knows?) >>>>>> I think the most interesting thing about this thread is what >>>>>> peopel have interpretted "treating someone like a child" means! [quoted text clipped - 45 lines] > > Well, you are a cheerful bunny this morning! ;-) Well, I've been feeling very bitter lately. I'm wondering if the negativity is seeping back. So many times lately.... Like he went out of town on business for a week. I had classes, the Jonas Brother's concert with my daughter, scrambling, trying to find sitters, I mean, we were fine, but it wasn't the easiest week. He walked in the door, didn't even say Hello, and made a crack about the table being too cluttered. Similarly, he called me in the middle of class to tell me he couldn't handle our daughter, wouldn't pick her up anymore....so when I got home I went upstairs to see him. Just sat next to him on the bed in case he wanted to talk. When he just ignored me (and I'd probably said *something* like "are you ok?" or "Do you want to talk about it) I said, "Okay...so if you have nothing you want to tell me, I'm going to go, ok?" And he made a noise like he might want to say somthing, so I stayed and waited, and when he finally spoke? He told me the potty was plugged when he got home, and he was sick and tired of having to deal with that. And again last night...this time I was in the middle of putting away the clean dishes so I could refill, and he made a crack about the counter being messy. I mean, I was cleaning it up right then!!!! Grrr... > I agree with your overall point about the likelihood that any > boundary-setting that Vickie does at this point is likely to produce [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > that he's thinking of this sort of thing in that kind of emotionally > nuanced way, but who knows?) No, I think boundary setting is good, even if the results are negative at first. But when they go so far as to say, "Well, I'm not going to do anything nice for you because you don't do anything nice for me," then that's when I think you are in real danger of losing all feelings for someone. Zorra >>>>>>> I think the most interesting thing about this thread is what >>>>>>> peopel have interpretted "treating someone like a child" means! [quoted text clipped - 66 lines] > clean dishes so I could refill, and he made a crack about the counter > being messy. I mean, I was cleaning it up right then!!!! Grrr... That sucks! I am sorry to hear that. >> I agree with your overall point about the likelihood that any >> boundary-setting that Vickie does at this point is likely to produce [quoted text clipped - 11 lines] > > Zorra One thing... when you are dealing with limit setting, the key (im nevergonna be h o) is second, third, twentyfifth chances. Never ... that is love sucking for sure. >>>>>>> I think the most interesting thing about this thread is what >>>>>>> peopel have interpretted "treating someone like a child" means! [quoted text clipped - 66 lines] >dishes so I could refill, and he made a crack about the counter being messy. I >mean, I was cleaning it up right then!!!! Grrr... I'm so sorry to hear this. I know that individually they're little things, but it's the atmosphere, the accumulation of things that build up. I hope it's just a bad week. But the cracks about the table, the counter, that kind of thing... they would bug the hell out of me. I've been, unfortunately, I guess, in a real take-no-prisoners mood lately, and I'd be inclined to tell him that if he didn't like the mess, he could damn well clean it up himself. Which I realize would be totally not constructive! >> I agree with your overall point about the likelihood that any >> boundary-setting that Vickie does at this point is likely to produce [quoted text clipped - 8 lines] >you because you don't do anything nice for me," then that's when I think you are >in real danger of losing all feelings for someone. You said somewhere else, I think, something that I interpreted as, after a while, it all becomes no one doing anything for anyone else, and who started it and why it started gets lost in all the negativity. And I think that this is exactly right; I think that you have to work at good feelings especially when there is an atmosphere of negativity, and when you start retaliating, everything gets lost in the actions rather than in root causes, and it's hard to get anywhere else. But still. I am not inclined to go out of my way for someone who is critical and nasty to me. I struggle with the positive, too... not quite the same reasons, but because DH has any number of things that make him bitter, irritable, and depressed, and I feel like someone has to be the positive person, or we just sink into a sea of misery. But it's hard. > >>>>>>> I think the most interesting thing about this thread is what > >>>>>>> peopel have interpretted "treating someone like a child" means! [quoted text clipped - 108 lines] > > - Show quoted text - I second that, on the someone has to be positive. I find that on most days of my marriage, I'm having to point out all of the good things in life, while my wife finds something bad about most everything. It does get hard day in and day out. She got angry at the weather man the other night because it is warming up this week and she feels winter wasn't cold enough. It was like it was his fault. Anyway, just wanted to say, "I feel your pain" without giving a laundry list of examples, because I could. >X-No-Archive:yes > [quoted text clipped - 119 lines] >just wanted to say, "I feel your pain" without giving a laundry list >of examples, because I could. For some reason, getting mad at the weatherman for the weather is just funny. :-) Or, mostly, I have to see things this way. We have a golden retriever. Retrieving things is his life, but they're not usually the things that you'd actually WANT him to retrieve. In particular, he likes to retrieve DH's socks. DH gets SO irritated and angry at the dog... like he is doing this on purpose (which I suppose that he is, but it's kind of an inner compulsion to carry something around in your mouth, I guess). Anyway, if it were me (and the dog also retrieves my underwear, I might add), I would either pick up my stuff or choose to see it as funny. Which it kind of is. Life's too short to get pissed off about every single thing, but it's sometimes an awful lot of work being the cheerful serene person. [snip] >For some reason, getting mad at the weatherman for the weather is just >funny. :-) Or, mostly, I have to see things this way. [quoted text clipped - 10 lines] >Life's too short to get pissed off about every single thing, but it's >sometimes an awful lot of work being the cheerful serene person. It certainly helps if your companion can match your cheer and serenity ;-) Having spent nearly 20 years with someone who did not, one of the things I value most about my SO is how well we work together during difficult situations. Recently, we were stuck in East Podunk, Ohio, when my car developed a serious problem. It's a long story and I'll spare the details, but it was one of those things that can bring out a lot of frustration and anger. We managed to roll with the considerable punches and even derive some welcome humor from certain aspects of the situation. The highlight of which was taking a stretch limo to the car rental agency since the town we were stuck in had no taxis ;-) I've gotten to the point in my life, when I'm feeling annoyance or irritation, where I sort of stop and ask myself if it's really important enough to spend time on. Mostly, it isn't! Although that doesn't always stop me from feeling it anyway. Barb Barb Barb >[snip] > [quoted text clipped - 32 lines] >important enough to spend time on. Mostly, it isn't! Although that >doesn't always stop me from feeling it anyway. The funny/weird thing to me is that DH would be GREAT with the car problem story. He's (mostly) fantastic in a crisis, and things that I think are a huge big deal, he laughs at. But it's the little things, the minor irritations of just existing... these are the things that get to him. But it's the only thing I've really learned over time, I think, that the small stuff mostly doesn't make any difference at all, and you really can't have anything like a peaceful life if you get wound up about every single thing. >>[snip] >> [quoted text clipped - 41 lines] >and you really can't have anything like a peaceful life if you get >wound up about every single thing. You're right -- although we can't make that choice for other people (like your husband). The only thing we can do is let them deal with things as they will without feeling like we have to intervene or do something about it. I can say that but I'm not so good at doing it. Not without a lot of self-talk, anyway. Barb > Life's too short to get pissed off about every single thing, but it's > sometimes an awful lot of work being the cheerful serene person.- This is true. We had one of those nights last night. Dinner time is the bewitching hour, so there's always a certain amount of stress getting things on the table, and DH and I don't do very well when we're hungry. Our fuses get short and we are apt to get irritable and snappish. Usually I am on top of things enough to be cheerful and serene by the time he gets home from his bike commute, starving and grumpy... so at least we're not both snappish at the same time. We take turns. ;-) Well, last night, I did NOT have things under control and I was having a meltdown when he walked in the door. Without going into details, DH got defensive and I ended up yelling at him, "I am NOT blaming YOU ... sheesh, can't I be allowed to be GRUMPY and IRRITATED without you assuming it's targeted at YOU or it's somehow YOUR fault. It's not always about YOU. I'm just having a bad day and I'm STARVING!!!!" I had quite a rant... I went on and on. To the point it became rather comical. Next thing I know, DH whips out a small, prettily wrapped present and leaves it on the kitchen counter. It's for me. And he just smiles this big grin. I pulled myself together, suggested we sit down and eat so I could get my blood sugar back up first. We had a nice, pleasant dinner. I opened the present afterwards. It was a delicate sapphire and diamond bracelet. For no reason, just because... "because I noticed you were surfing for something similar the other day." jen >> Life's too short to get pissed off about every single thing, but it's >> sometimes an awful lot of work being the cheerful serene person.- [quoted text clipped - 30 lines] > > jen I love stuff like that. I could have had that exact same rant myself. But I don't get sapphire and diamond jewelry. Hmmmm.... :) > I love stuff like that. I could have had that exact same rant myself. But I > don't get sapphire and diamond jewelry. Hmmmm.... :)- I think it was just a coincidence! Obviously, he didn't know he'd come home with a present to find me ranting away and in a miserable mood. Actually, awhile back, for some occasion or other, he'd bought me a pair of earrings but they didn't work at all... I'm so petite, even my jewelry needs to be petite! These were dangly and they hung so long they brushed my shoulders and looked silly. So come to think of it, this bracelet is probably what he turned them in for!! It has to be shortened though. My wrists are too tiny too. :-( Does anyone know if a jeweler could make stud earrings out of some of the links they take out? That would be cool! jen >> I love stuff like that. I could have had that exact same rant myself. But I >> don't get sapphire and diamond jewelry. Hmmmm.... :)- [quoted text clipped - 12 lines] >Does anyone know if a jeweler could make stud earrings out of some of >the links they take out? That would be cool! Depends on the shape of the stones and the shape of the links, but a competent jeweler could almost certainly do that. > I love stuff like that. I could have had that exact same rant myself. But I > don't get sapphire and diamond jewelry. Hmmmm.... :) I tell you what... ...I will send the little hint to your husband, and you will send the little hint to my husband... "You don't know me, but your wife said something on the NG the other day that made me think she's got her eye on . . . ." It will be ever so sneaky and subtle that way! >> I love stuff like that. I could have had that exact same rant myself. But >> I don't get sapphire and diamond jewelry. Hmmmm.... :) [quoted text clipped - 7 lines] > > It will be ever so sneaky and subtle that way! In my case, all we can afford is the earrings at the second hand store. :) Just the same, I am game. >>> I love stuff like that. I could have had that exact same rant >>> myself. But I don't get sapphire and diamond jewelry. Hmmmm.... :) [quoted text clipped - 10 lines] > In my case, all we can afford is the earrings at the second hand > store. :) Just the same, I am game. Estate/second hand jewellery is often much prettier and interesting than the new stuff, anyway, and there's something about the bargain aspect that is also appealing! My husband gave me a lovely old rose gold locket for my 40th birthday which I have to say was one of his more successful forays into jewellery buying. I will sound very ungracious now but I really prefer him to restrict himself to choosing silver earrings for me, that's where he actually get it right. ;) > >>> I love stuff like that. I could have had that exact same rant > >>> myself. But I don't get sapphire and diamond jewelry. Hmmmm.... :) [quoted text clipped - 14 lines] > new stuff, anyway, and there's something about the bargain aspect that is > also appealing! I agree wholeheartedly! One thing to watch out for though, a curse might have been placed on second hand jewelery. That would be very bad. Or some kind of weird lingering bad luck. Yikes! Vickie >> Estate/second hand jewellery is often much prettier and interesting >> than the new stuff, anyway, and there's something about the bargain [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > second hand jewelery. That would be very bad. Or some kind of weird > lingering bad luck. Yikes! Oh, but I only believe in the Tooth Fairy and Santa Claus, Vickie, and I don't even give credence to Karma! So a curse would just make the piece *more* interesting and appealing. ;)) > >> Estate/second hand jewellery is often much prettier and interesting > >> than the new stuff, anyway, and there's something about the bargain [quoted text clipped - 8 lines] > don't even give credence to Karma! So a curse would just make the piece > *more* interesting and appealing. ;)) Even if it means an evil, sharp tooth, Pennywise-type clown will appear whenever you wear the piece!!? lol Vickie >>>> Estate/second hand jewellery is often much prettier and interesting >>>> than the new stuff, anyway, and there's something about the bargain [quoted text clipped - 11 lines] > Even if it means an evil, sharp tooth, Pennywise-type clown will > appear whenever you wear the piece!!? LOL Shhhhh.... you'll give nightmares to the people who are afraid of clowns! >> >>> I love stuff like that. I could have had that exact same rant >> >>> myself. But I don't get sapphire and diamond jewelry. Hmmmm.... :) [quoted text clipped - 20 lines] >second hand jewelery. That would be very bad. Or some kind of weird >lingering bad luck. Yikes! I love vintage stuff! When my husband and I went to the jewelers to pick out our wedding bands, he told me pick out anything i wanted. Anything! I looked at all the diamonds and stuff, nothing really struck me. We wandered into a pawn shop next door to look at other things, and there was "my" ring. It's really unique, obviously a custom thing, a wavy band set in with tiny diamonds instead of the traditional engagement/wedding set. I can't help but sometimes wonder what it's "story" is but that doesn't matter, it called out my name. Now it holds OUR story. > In article <7cbd7584-4e1c-409b-92ee-942153d02...@d4g2000prg.googlegroups.com>, Vickie <lilliputianbizz...@gmail.com> wrote: > [quoted text clipped - 24 lines] > > I love vintage stuff! Me too. > When my husband and I went to the jewelers to pick out our wedding bands, he > told me pick out anything i wanted. Anything! I looked at all the diamonds [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > what it's "story" is but that doesn't matter, it called out my name. Now it > holds OUR story. It sure does. Although my ring was new when bought, it has to be one of the smallest simplest rings ever. We were broker than broke when we bought it. And I wouldn't trade it for the world. Vickie >> In article >> <7cbd7584-4e1c-409b-92ee-942153d02...@d4g2000prg.googlegroups.com>, [quoted text clipped - 30 lines] > > Me too. Me three. Vintage eras, most especially. Hard to find, though. :-( These are the things I'm missing today. I am already missing being able to just pick something up for her, for no reason, other than I was thinking about her. She was always doing this as well. I am still finding her little notes to me around the house. Some she gave me, some she didn't get around to giving me, but always "I love you" I am missing being able to hold her (I would always just going over to her and giving her a hug and a kiss), just because she was there and I needed to express myself for the umpteenth time that day. We were never jealous of each other, or our former relationships, or even friendships we'd have with members of the opposite sex. We both had plenty of prospective suitors, but neither of us were interested. I miss the sheer spontaneity of our relationship, it was never the wrong time to go do something fun. Jealously. Who needs it? I was busy packing her belonging for her kids today and came across some pictures of her from a former relationship. She had been beaten (one time out of many). I literally cried. It made me understand a bit more of why she found me to be special. I never beat her, cursed her, called her any demeaning names. WE never fought, EVER !! She always had such a sunny personality, and as bad as I am, I must have been a diamond in the rough to her, compared to the crap holes that beat her. No wonder her family liked me so much. I'm just glad I was able to make her happy for what time we had. If you have someone treating you like crap, get up, and move on. Life is too precious and too short. Just my $0.02 worth. >> I love stuff like that. I could have had that exact same rant myself. But >> I don't get sapphire and diamond jewelry. Hmmmm.... :) [quoted text clipped - 7 lines] > > It will be ever so sneaky and subtle that way! > These are the things I'm missing today. I am already missing being able > to just pick something up for her, for no reason, other than I was thinking [quoted text clipped - 17 lines] > wonder her family liked me so much. I'm just glad I was able to make her > happy for what time we had. I am sure she was amazingly happy about the time you shared too. Vickie On Mar 26, 10:15 pm, "Tumbleweed" <the.tumblew...@yahoo.com> wrote: > These are the things I'm missing today. I am already missing being able > to just pick something up for her, for no reason, other than I was [quoted text clipped - 22 lines] > wonder her family liked me so much. I'm just glad I was able to make her > happy for what time we had. I am sure she was amazingly happy about the time you shared too. Vickie She was as happy as she was amazing. Thanks >> I love stuff like that. I could have had that exact same rant myself. But >> I don't get sapphire and diamond jewelry. Hmmmm.... :) [quoted text clipped - 7 lines] > > It will be ever so sneaky and subtle that way! Oooooh. This girl is *good* >>> I love stuff like that. I could have had that exact same rant myself. >>> But I don't get sapphire and diamond jewelry. Hmmmm.... :) [quoted text clipped - 10 lines] > Oooooh. > This girl is *good* Actually, having thought about it for a day, what I really need is someone to drop an anonymous e-mail to my husband saying "You don't know me, but your wife said something on the NG the other day that made me think she'd really like you to finish wiring the outlets in the kitchen." So I don't get accused of, you know, making him feel like an idgit or--what was the word? rebelliant? eviscerated?--by just telling him: wire the damn outlets already. >>>> I love stuff like that. I could have had that exact same rant myself. >>>> But I don't get sapphire and diamond jewelry. Hmmmm.... :) [quoted text clipped - 20 lines] > >wire the damn outlets already. Would you like to post his email address? ;-) >>>> I love stuff like that. I could have had that exact same rant myself. >>>> But I don't get sapphire and diamond jewelry. Hmmmm.... :) [quoted text clipped - 20 lines] > > wire the damn outlets already. I'll do it. >>>> I love stuff like that. I could have had that exact same rant myself. >>>> But I don't get sapphire and diamond jewelry. Hmmmm.... :) [quoted text clipped - 20 lines] > > wire the damn outlets already. How close are they to the sink? Are they GFIed? >>>>> I love stuff like that. I could have had that exact same rant >>>>> myself. But I don't get sapphire and diamond jewelry. Hmmmm.... :) [quoted text clipped - 24 lines] > How close are they to the sink? > Are they GFIed? They are not near the sink, but they are on an exterior (cinderblock) wall that doesn't have enough clearance to install even shallow junction boxes, so we are using wiremold surface mount raceway and boxes. We have the parts, he's pulled the cable and everything weeks ago, just needs to mount the raceway and boxes. It's just two outlets and a stupid hour's worth of work, and I'm pissed that he won't just... get 'er done. >>>>>> I love stuff like that. I could have had that exact same rant myself. >>>>>> But I don't get sapphire and diamond jewelry. Hmmmm.... :) [quoted text clipped - 31 lines] > the raceway and boxes. It's just two outlets and a stupid hour's worth of > work, and I'm pissed that he won't just... get 'er done. Gotcha. I'll pass the message on if you'd still like. :^) > Next thing I know, DH whips out a small, prettily wrapped present and > leaves it on the kitchen counter. It's for me. And he just smiles this > big grin. Wow, that's almost worth putting up with the junkyard in basement over! > I pulled myself together, suggested we sit down and eat so I could get > my blood sugar back up first. We had a nice, pleasant dinner. I opened > the present afterwards. It was a delicate sapphire and diamond > bracelet. For no reason, just because... "because I noticed you were > surfing for something similar the other day." All together now..."awwwww...." [...] > I pulled myself together, suggested we sit down and eat so I could get > my blood sugar back up first. We had a nice, pleasant dinner. I opened > the present afterwards. It was a delicate sapphire and diamond > bracelet. For no reason, just because... "because I noticed you were > surfing for something similar the other day." That is so sweet! Your husband is very observant, good on him. :) (And so expensive. lol) I had two reactions to your anecdote. The above was the first but the second was "mine better not ever do that!" Which is funny because although a sapphire and damond bracelet wouldn't be something I'd get a great deal of pleasure or use out of myself, despite sapphires being my favourite gems, I'd be more than happy if my husband came home with tickets for a lovely holiday in the sun. Which would also be expensive plus impossible to swing time-wise for us just now, unfortunately. > For no reason, just because... "because I noticed you were >surfing for something similar the other day." Oooooh. This guy is *good*. On Mar 26, 2:17 pm, Nina <ninaNOS...@economika.net> wrote: > Life's too short to get pissed off about every single thing, but it's > sometimes an awful lot of work being the cheerful serene person.- This is true. We had one of those nights last night. Dinner time is the bewitching hour, so there's always a certain amount of stress getting things on the table, and DH and I don't do very well when we're hungry. Our fuses get short and we are apt to get irritable and snappish. Usually I am on top of things enough to be cheerful and serene by the time he gets home from his bike commute, starving and grumpy... so at least we're not both snappish at the same time. We take turns. ;-) Well, last night, I did NOT have things under control and I was having a meltdown when he walked in the door. Without going into details, DH got defensive and I ended up yelling at him, "I am NOT blaming YOU ... sheesh, can't I be allowed to be GRUMPY and IRRITATED without you assuming it's targeted at YOU or it's somehow YOUR fault. It's not always about YOU. I'm just having a bad day and I'm STARVING!!!!" I had quite a rant... I went on and on. To the point it became rather comical. Next thing I know, DH whips out a small, prettily wrapped present and leaves it on the kitchen counter. It's for me. And he just smiles this big grin. I pulled myself together, suggested we sit down and eat so I could get my blood sugar back up first. We had a nice, pleasant dinner. I opened the present afterwards. It was a delicate sapphire and diamond bracelet. For no reason, just because... "because I noticed you were surfing for something similar the other day." jen Wow... I can't imagine what'd pop up on the kitchen counter if my girl did that after seeing what ~I~ surf! OMG! Seriously, though, I hate your husband. He just earned a spot right next to Tom Brady. ;) - Saul (Don't know why my freaking quotes aren't working, sorry, having technical difficulties, PBKAC, problem between keyboard and chair) > Seriously, though, I hate your husband. He just earned a spot right next to > Tom Brady. That reminds me. A few months back (in the Fall), we were at this popular restaurant - and at the table next to us was this group of men. The tables were close enough together that it encouraged friendliness among the patrons. We were joking back and forth with this group of men sitting next to us. At one point, one of them says (pointing to his friend) "Don't you know who he is? Tom Brady." And I'm like, "Well, hello then (whoever Tom Brady is - I don't know)." I still couldn't tell you if it was really him, or someone just pretending it was him. DH couldn't tell you either. He's some sports guy, right? jen On Mar 27, 10:26 pm, "Saulgoode" <saulgoode35...@yahoo.com> wrote: > Seriously, though, I hate your husband. He just earned a spot right next > to > Tom Brady. That reminds me. A few months back (in the Fall), we were at this popular restaurant - and at the table next to us was this group of men. The tables were close enough together that it encouraged friendliness among the patrons. We were joking back and forth with this group of men sitting next to us. At one point, one of them says (pointing to his friend) "Don't you know who he is? Tom Brady." And I'm like, "Well, hello then (whoever Tom Brady is - I don't know)." I still couldn't tell you if it was really him, or someone just pretending it was him. DH couldn't tell you either. He's some sports guy, right? jen http://tinyurl.com/2wwq2y > (Don't know why my freaking quotes aren't working, sorry, having > technical difficulties, PBKAC, problem between keyboard and chair) No, you're not the problem. You're experiencing a known incompatibility issue between Outlook Express and posts injected by Google Groups. If you download and install OE-QuoteFix your quoting problems will magically disappear. I promise! >>>>>>>> I think the most interesting thing about this thread is what >>>>>>>> peopel have interpretted "treating someone like a child" means! [quoted text clipped - 81 lines] > mess, he could damn well clean it up himself. Which I realize would > be totally not constructive! No, it's been more than a week. Not back to his former super-critical self yet, but it just feels like it's headed back in that direction. Zorra > No, it's been more than a week. Not back to his former super-critical self yet, > but it just feels like it's headed back in that direction. Hang in there Zorra! Your husband has ups and downs, and IMO all that nonsense is well in character for him. Is he usually nice when he comes back from a trip? I'd be surprised if so, my guess would have been that all he'd want to do is to retreat from humanity as fast as possible, snarling at anyone and anything that gets between him and his solitary den. Which is rough, but the chances are that once he's recovered from the disruption he'll sweeten up again, and he'll be able to handle untidy worktops and blocked potties again. And when I say "hang in there" I do not mean "don't be pissed off at him". I don't even mean "don't pack your bags" :-) I just mean, don't take his attitude as a reflection on you. IMO it has more to do with how he feels about being outside his cave than how he feels about you or your marriage. 'Course, it's no good for how *you* feel about your marriage! Stay cool, :-) Cailleach > >>>>>>>> I think the most interesting thing about this thread is what > >>>>>>>> peopel have interpretted "treating someone like a child" means! [quoted text clipped - 88 lines] > > - Show quoted text - >> No, it's been more than a week. Not back to his former >> super-critical self yet, but it just feels like it's headed back in [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > nonsense is well in character for him. Is he usually nice when he > comes back from a trip? He's not ever been the "I missed you so much!" type, but he isn't necessarily actually critical or mean. I can't say what he does "usually" anymore, as we're approaching the point where there have been more of the bad years than of the good. But I will say that I thought we'd moved out of the phase where he'd feel the need to criticize as soon as he walked in the door. > I'd be surprised if so, my guess would have > been that all he'd want to do is to retreat from humanity as fast as > possible, snarling at anyone and anything that gets between him and > his solitary den. Except for the snarling. He does tend to want to retreat, and it depends on how much energy he has as to whether he gets unpacked first or just dumps his suitcase and heads upstairs. I don't mind that though -- I know he's tired. > Which is rough, but the chances are that once he's > recovered from the disruption he'll sweeten up again, and he'll be > able to handle untidy worktops and blocked potties again. I'm not so sure.... I mean, first of all, these distruptions are getting more common. He used to travel once/year for business, now he was scheduled to travel 4 weeks out of 7. Thankfully he managed to get two of those weeks switched to the fall, but it may be no better then. At any rate, I tend to operate on intuition, and it *feels* to me as if things are starting to pull back in the negative direction. > And when I say "hang in there" I do not mean "don't be pissed off at > him". I don't even mean "don't pack your bags" :-) I just mean, don't > take his attitude as a reflection on you. IMO it has more to do with > how he feels about being outside his cave than how he feels about you > or your marriage. 'Course, it's no good for how *you* feel about your > marriage! Yes, thanks, and I guess it's a good sign that I didn't even think it was a reflection on me or worry about how he feels about the marriage. I'm just....down because it seems to be a return to a situation that I don't like. Zorra > Except for the snarling. He does tend to want to retreat, and it depends on how > much energy he has as to whether he gets unpacked first or just dumps his > suitcase and heads upstairs. I don't mind that though -- I know he's tired. > He used to travel once/year for business, now he was scheduled to > travel 4 weeks out of 7. Wauughhh! I expect that's why he's started snarling. Even 2 out of 7 is *bad*. Well, except to the extent that it keeps him out of your hair 4 weeks out of 7 :-) > Thankfully he managed to get two of those weeks switched to the fall, but it may be no > better then. No, it probably wont be :-(. When he's due back batten down the hatches and clear a path from the front door to his den! > At any rate, I tend to operate on intuition, and it *feels* to me as if things > are starting to pull back in the negative direction. Oh, that's such a pity. I think all you can do is try not overload *yourself* while he's away so that you have enough energy left to cope when he gets back; or else ignore him and do what you want to do regardless of his snappiness; or some mix of both! > I'm > just....down because it seems to be a return to a situation that I don't like. Yeah, it's tough and I don't see an obvious way to avoid it. Any external stress on your DH makes him so much harder to live with. Cailleach > >> No, it's been more than a week. Not back to his former > >> super-critical self yet, but it just feels like it's headed back in [quoted text clipped - 43 lines] > > Zorra > >>>> I think the most interesting thing about this thread is what peopel > >>>> have interpretted "treating someone like a child" means! Makes me [quoted text clipped - 42 lines] > separate lives, neither doing for each other, and eventually losing whatever > loving feelings they have. I think you describe the path their marriage is on now. On the other hand if Vickie were able to set reasonable and loving limits, and explain what she is doing (over and over again) there is some small chance that her husband will realize that the marriage is in peril, and will care enough to start to be willing to do something about it. Currently he just seems resentful and mean but with no consciousness that his own behavior is damaging his marriage. I write "small" above, because if Vickie's picture of her husband is accurate, he seems like a selfish and childish jerk to me who has never learned to be responsible for his own behavior. If that isn't something you learn as a child, it is hard to learn as an adult. >> >>& |
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