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Family Forum / Marriage / Marriage / May 2008Hopeless/Abusive Wife
I'm not happy in my marriage at all but still love my wife dearly. She's a good mother and sometimes a good wife. I can't begin to discuss our problems but all of it seems to stem for her constant distrust of my motives and my own symptoms of ADD/OCD. She seems to think that some things that are left behind or around the house in pursuit of the "next activity" stem from me "not respecting her" and leaving her work instead of the truth. I take Adderall and Prozac, but can't take Adderall at night when I'm home most of the time. More than anything though, I have trouble expressing my feelings without either being called a liar, having my motives called into question, getting the cold shoulder and eventually being called names. I am always feeling the need to "resolve" things to the point where I don't always give her space, but this is getting better. And to tell you the truth, sometimes she revives the subject too after saying she doesn't want to discuss it and then gets mad at me for "going on and on." Three weeks ago, we had a huge fight and she said she was divorcing me and going to sleep on the couch. She tried to take the blanket off me and I told her that if she was going to divorce me and sleep on the couch, then she should get her own damn blanket -- not leave me cold! I grabbed the other end, a brief tug ensued and then she jumped on top of me and punched me in the face. This is not the first time she's hit me, although it's the first time with a closed fist. Sometimes she says she feels "trapped," but I was not preventing her from leaving the room -- I just wasn't going to let her leave me cold. It WAS immature, but it was a pride thing, I guess. To me, it was an extremely cowardly thing to do -- she knew I wouldn't hit her back. I almost called the cops, but men are seldom believed in these situations. Besides, she claimed I grabbed her wrist (which I don't remember doing), so who knows what the cops would have done. For the next two weeks, I questioned my love for her and for the first time no longer felt "lucky" to have her, even though she is very beautiful and generally a great girl -- just not always to me. When we finally made it to a marriage counselor, I just unloaded the feelings at once, but added that I since decided I do love her and do want to make things work. Now she says she's "numb" and doesn't know whether we can continue. We're both going to start individual therapy. She claims I hurt her with some things I said during her pregnancy a couple years ago. I know I said some insensitive things, but honestly, I was not aware of the full extent of her condition and she didn't really communicate it clearly. I was going through a tough time finding employment and we were all on edge. We wound up having no sexual contact beyond a rare tongue-kiss for eight months as a result of pregnancy complications and C-section aftermath. The thing is: she didn't just say "we can't have sex anymore." She kept saying, "Not now" and getting my hopes up by saying she "thought" about doing me a hand favor during the day but didn't. It was one long string- along. I didn't take well to it, couldn't understand her moods and as a result, said some nasty things -- accusing her of "freeloading" after the house became a wreck when she quit her job and saying, "I bought you a Lexus, the least you can do for me is give me..." Well, you get the idea. At one point, she screamed horrible things to me about my childhood and that she was divorcing me and I screamed horrible things back, saying I was going to call an ex-girlfriend and get laid. It was just a mess. I know I wasn't that great to her at times, even though I tried to be generous with a lot (shopping for her, taking as many shifts with the baby as possible, spoiling her, etc.) Still, I just feel incredibly used. She has gotten to stay home for two years and although I have all the respect for stay-at-home moms, I feel that all my trying to make life easier for her and our son has been completely reduced to nothing. Now she goes on the computer all the time and ignores me. I think we've had two dates since the baby was born a year-and-a-half ago and most of our sexual encounters are "quickies." I hope counseling helps and I know I'm not perfect, but I'm not a cheater (I don't even flirt), I don't hit her, I never drink, I'm a Christian, I'm not a nasty person unless heavily provoked, I'm a good father, very affectionate and generous and I'm just feeling lonely and empty right now. I feel like my son will inevitably resent me or feel abandoned if we divorce and I just want to be the guy who turns my wife "on" again. She, however, just claims I'm "overbearing" and she doesn't know if she can take it anymore. Thoughts? > I'm not happy in my marriage at all but still love my wife dearly. > She's a good mother and sometimes a good wife. I can't begin [quoted text clipped - 17 lines] > on top of me and punched me in the face. This is not the first > time she's hit me, although it's the first time with a closed fist... <SNIP> ------------------ Sad as it may be, sometimes two people are just bad-news for each other and should not stay married. Keep up the marriage counselling - its the only thing that'll give you a shot - but prepare yourself for the possiblility that it won't work out. You may also need to post to http://asdweb.ning.com, the "alt-support-divorce" group on the web. =R= be with each other > Sad as it may be, sometimes two people are just bad-news for > each other and should not stay married. Keep up the marriage > counselling - its the only thing that'll give you a shot - but prepare > yourself for the possiblility that it won't work out. You may also > need to post to http://asdweb.ning.com, the "alt-support-divorce" > group on the web. =R= Oi, Rog! Having complained bitterly about website and blog touters in usenet for months you have now decided to join them? The last three posts you've made in ASM (over a two week period) have contained two invitations to join your new divorce website and the other one was playing with a troll. > > Sad as it may be, sometimes two people are just bad-news for > > each other and should not stay married. Keep up the marriage [quoted text clipped - 7 lines] > you've made in ASM (over a two week period) have contained two invitations > to join your new divorce website and the other one was playing with a troll. In his defense, Rog has already pulled in a couple of folks from ASD that otherwise would've gotten trampled in the spam-mush. He's not joining the blog-touters so much as trying to redirect traffic to a useable website where folks can find some genuine outlet. - Saul > > > Sad as it may be, sometimes two people are just bad-news for > > > each other and should not stay married. Keep up the marriage [quoted text clipped - 13 lines] > blog-touters so much as trying to redirect traffic to a useable website > where folks can find some genuine outlet. His sig file would be a good place for the link. Kitten >>>> Sad as it may be, sometimes two people are just bad-news for >>>> each other and should not stay married. Keep up the marriage [quoted text clipped - 17 lines] > > Kitten Yeah, but people ignore those. I think that this is a special circumstance.... if asd wasn't dead and he was suggesting that people go there, no one would consider him a blog or website touter. Given that the group died and the remainders came here, and the ning site is the current alternative, I really see him as doing just that. Xorra >>> Sad as it may be, sometimes two people are just bad-news for >>> each other and should not stay married. Keep up the marriage [quoted text clipped - 13 lines] > joining the blog-touters so much as trying to redirect traffic to a > useable website where folks can find some genuine outlet. I know what Rog is trying to do, Saul, and that he's well-meaning. It's the 'how' I'm (just me, speaking for myself) am not liking much. I'd prefer to see his link in a sig file, myself, but I'm not asking him to do anything different, I'm just telling him how I feel about what is doing now. He doesn't care what I think so there's nothing else I can do about it. > Oi, Rog! Having complained bitterly about website and blog > touters in usenet for months you have now decided to join them? > The last three posts you've made in ASM (over a two week period) > have contained two invitations to join your new divorce website and > the other one was playing with a troll. Well, excuuuuuuuuse me! With all due respect, my referral of folks to another group that has a time-honored history of providing positive support, from which no member derives any personal gain can hardly be placed in the same league as those who tout their own personal agendas. Two posts in three weeks is hardly excessive, and so my retort to you, Tai, is this: BiteMe. >> Oi, Rog! Having complained bitterly about website and blog >> touters in usenet for months you have now decided to join them? [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > > Well, excuuuuuuuuse me! OK. You're "excused". > With all due respect, my referral of folks to another group that has a > time-honored history of providing positive support, from which no > member derives any personal gain can hardly be placed in the same > league as those who tout their own personal agendas. Two posts in > three weeks is hardly excessive, and so my retort to you, Tai, is this: > BiteMe. LOL. >> Oi, Rog! Having complained bitterly about website and blog >> touters in usenet for months you have now decided to join them? [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > > Well, excuuuuuuuuse me! I'm thinking about it. You defensive response isn't helping me with that much. > With all due respect, my referral of folks to another group that has a > time-honored history of providing positive support, from which no > member derives any personal gain can hardly be placed in the same > league as those who tout their own personal agendas. The people in the group may have a history of providing such support, the web group itself is brand spanking new. I appreciate what you're all trying to do with the asbweb site but it excuse* me* for feeling as if you only pop in to ASM to invite people to come play in your garden. That's rude whether you have a history in this group or not and I might feel a lot different if the ratio of your posts with the link were fewer. Also, we don't know if all the posters who do the drop-ins are trying to make money, some have looked as sincere as you are on the face of it. >Two posts in > three weeks is hardly excessive, and so my retort to you, Tai, is > this: BiteMe. Thin edge of the wedge! Consider yourself bitten. but not hard enough to draw blood. I really don't want to create ill-feeling between us here, but I'm fond of usenet and I don't like seeing you become part of the great exodus to web boards of various kind. > I appreciate what you're all trying to do with the asbweb site > but it excuse* me* for feeling as if you only pop in to ASM > to invite people to come play in your garden. That's rude... ---------- What's rude is your attempt to suggest that I am some sort of interloper in reference to this NG. Lest anyone mistake this slander as anything akin to the truth, a quick google search will show that I have been posting here before Tai arrived. According to Google, I have made 994 posts to this group dating back to September 2005. You will not find any post in that group which is not a legitimate, substantive response to an ASD matter. Thus, the implication that I have any less than genuine interest in the health and well-being of usenet or this group is simply absurd. =R= >> I appreciate what you're all trying to do with the asbweb site >> but it excuse* me* for feeling as if you only pop in to ASM [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > slander as anything akin to the truth, a quick google search will > show that I have been posting here before Tai arrived. I did not say that you were an interlope nor do I think it. I said this, "I really don't want to create ill-feeling between us here, but I'm fond of usenet and I don't like seeing you become part of the great exodus to web boards of various kind." Does that sound like I think you're unwelcome? Btw I've been posting regularly in ASM since 98, or 99. My last screen name change (to Tai) was in mid-2001, if I recall correctly. This isn't about history, anyway, it's about the future. > According to Google, I have made 994 posts to this group > dating back to September 2005. You will not find any post > in that group which is not a legitimate, substantive response > to an ASD matter. Thus, the implication that I have any less > than genuine interest in the health and well-being of usenet or > this group is simply absurd. =R= Well, I hope that remains true (my point and my concern) and you aren't now only popping in to tell people to give up on their marriages and then invite them to your new home to talk about how to ease their divorce process. >>> I appreciate what you're all trying to do with the asbweb site >>> but it excuse* me* for feeling as if you only pop in to ASM [quoted text clipped - 29 lines] > invite > them to your new home to talk about how to ease their divorce process. Come on Tai, now that's *really* reaching. (even for me that would be). :-) >>>> I appreciate what you're all trying to do with the asbweb site >>>> but it excuse* me* for feeling as if you only pop in to ASM [quoted text clipped - 32 lines] > Come on Tai, now that's *really* reaching. (even for me that would > be). :-) Here's the thing, Bill. The OP makes his post and the very first response he gets *before* anyone else in alt.support.MARRIAGE has a chance to comment is one saying sometimes people aren't meant to stay together, give counselling a shot but don't be surprised if it doesn't work... and here's the link to a good divorce discussion group. Now none of that is false information and it may be helpful in the end but I think it's akin to handing out an excellent divorce lawyer's card at a marriage encounter group. Others may diagree and that's fine. As I said, I'm not asking Rog to stop, he wouldn't do that for me anyway. However, I'm not afraid of telling him that's how his post struck me and that I think it would be better if he waited a little to see how the situation played out before he trucked in the mortuary van to remove the still-warm corpse (before the last breaths have actually been gasped). > Here's the thing, Bill. The OP makes his post and the very first > response he gets *before* anyone else in alt.support.MARRIAGE > has a chance to comment is one saying sometimes people aren't > meant to stay together, give counselling a shot but don't be > surprised if it doesn't work... and here's the link to a good divorce > discussion group. I may not have been diplomatic or soothing, but I called it as I saw it. IMO, there is a tendancy among some here to lead posters down a rosey path of false hope. Perhaps there are some who think the OP should put up with his wife's physical abuse, 'cuz he's a man. IMHO, the OP needed a dose of harsh reality, a figurative kick in the pants. Those who deflected the OP away from facing the real potential that his marriage would not last, IMO, did him a disservice. > Here's the thing, Bill. The OP makes his post and the very first > response he gets *before* anyone else in alt.support.MARRIAGE has a [quoted text clipped - 11 lines] > mortuary van to remove the still-warm corpse (before the last breaths > have actually been gasped). Objecting to the advice someone gives is completely different from calling them a spammer, particularly when you trot out words like rude. If you were really objecting to the advice itself, you'd have been better served saying so, or better yet, *not* saying so, and just making sure to give the OP your take on the situation. And as for Rog being angrier than you, well of course he was! After all, no one had just accused you of being a spammer on a newsgroup in which you'd participated for years. Xorra >> Here's the thing, Bill. The OP makes his post and the very first >> response he gets *before* anyone else in alt.support.MARRIAGE has a [quoted text clipped - 20 lines] > one had just accused you of being a spammer on a newsgroup in which > you'd participated for years. It often takes me several posts to articulate my full thoughts on a subject, Xorra. I don't believe I am unique in that. I am not objecting to his advice, it's a reasonable approach to take and consistent with Rog's posting style and content in the past. I don't like that it was given with the pointer to the new divorce website as if there was no point in sticking around in ASM to hear anything else. That is the similarity with drive-by posters I am talking about. Also, I did not accuse Rog of being a spammer. Spammers are selling things. I pointed out he was spruiking his own special interest website, something he noisily objected to so much in others that he even went to the trouble of creating his own joke blog to satirise the drop-in posts You may not know that and I can't remember if he mentioned that in ASM posts as well as in ASD. Anyway, the irony was evident to me, as a reader of both ASM and ASD. I've been thinking about this a little bit more this evening since I got home. I'm wondering where Rog and Barb are expecting to get their new membership base from for their new group. ASD is one (past posters and new ones if they see the invitations), the Ning network must have some sort of search facility although I haven't looked at that at all yet and ASM is obviously a place Rog, at least, expects to supply a few more likely candidates (sadly). And if I do start to invite people to leave ASM immediately they appear here and come to my new special interest group, feel free to call me rude. In fact, I insist! >>> Here's the thing, Bill. The OP makes his post and the very first >>> response he gets *before* anyone else in alt.support.MARRIAGE has a [quoted text clipped - 48 lines] > appear here and come to my new special interest group, feel free to > call me rude. In fact, I insist! Sorry, but I think you need to get a grip. >> And if I do start to invite people to leave ASM immediately they >> appear here and come to my new special interest group, feel free >> to call me rude. In fact, I insist! While you may once had an interest in rational discource, such disingenuous and perjorative remarks are merely a thinly veiled attempt at manipulation, as if engaged in a "p*sing contest" like Obama and McCain. In the future, I'll try to remember this: "I'm rubber and you're glue. Whatever you say, bounces off me and sticks to you." <heh, heh> >>> And if I do start to invite people to leave ASM immediately they >>> appear here and come to my new special interest group, feel free [quoted text clipped - 6 lines] > rubber and you're glue. Whatever you say, bounces off me and > sticks to you." <heh, heh> My apologies, Rog. I do have concerns about new posters being offered the Ning group so quickly but I handled telling you my thoughts about that badly and I'm very sorry for the offence I caused. I want to stress again that I have never doubted that your intentions were good. > My apologies, Rog. I do have concerns about new posters > being offered the Ning group so quickly but I handled telling > you my thoughts about that badly and I'm very sorry for the > offence I caused. I want to stress again that I have never > doubted that your intentions were good. ------------ Okay, okay. I'll say that I sincerely believed that the OP could benefit from multiple sources of support, and was not intentionally poaching. So, I apologize as well, but more specifically, to my fellow ASM'ers for getting my panties in a wad over this. I go now to beat my sword into a plowshare... >> My apologies, Rog. I do have concerns about new posters >> being offered the Ning group so quickly but I handled telling [quoted text clipped - 7 lines] > fellow ASM'ers for getting my panties in a wad over this. I go > now to beat my sword into a plowshare... heh Thanks, I'm glad we've made up. I've had a soft spot for you ever since you had chicken pox and I pictured you covered in little dabs of pink calomine lotion. :o) >> Okay, okay. I'll say that I sincerely believed that the OP could >> benefit from multiple sources of support, and was not intentionally >> poaching. So, I apologize as well, but more specifically, to my >> fellow ASM'ers for getting my panties in a wad over this. I go >> now to beat my sword into a plowshare... > heh > Thanks, I'm glad we've made up. I've had a soft spot for you ever > since you had chicken pox and I pictured you covered in little dabs > of pink calomine lotion. :o) ------------------ Not to mention the 2x a day oatmeal baths. Sheer misery. I'll never forget the visit to the clinic when the doc knew almost instantly, and I said, "You've got to be kidding." My GF's tender care sealed our fate to marry. So, in a way, it was a good thing. >>> Okay, okay. I'll say that I sincerely believed that the OP could >>> benefit from multiple sources of support, and was not intentionally [quoted text clipped - 11 lines] > instantly, and I said, "You've got to be kidding." My GF's tender > care sealed our fate to marry. So, in a way, it was a good thing. I just wish you'd be a bit more optimistic, and a bit less pessimistic, in your posts, sometimes Sarcasm - and being a bit jaded - isn't a good thing, ya know. It only hurts you, in the end. And sheesh, after all the effort I've put in to help you there, I mean, honestly now! >>> Okay, okay. I'll say that I sincerely believed that the OP could >>> benefit from multiple sources of support, and was not intentionally [quoted text clipped - 11 lines] > instantly, and I said, "You've got to be kidding." My GF's tender > care sealed our fate to marry. So, in a way, it was a good thing. I thought chicken pox in a adult man made his penis fall off... oh sorry > I thought chicken pox in a adult man made his penis fall off... oh sorry. That only happens if its followed by a wedding ceremony. [Uh, was that too negative?] >> I thought chicken pox in a adult man made his penis fall off... oh sorry. > > That only happens if its followed by a wedding ceremony. > [Uh, was that too negative?] Damn. I just can't handle this level of cynicism, anymore. >>> Okay, okay. I'll say that I sincerely believed that the OP could >>> benefit from multiple sources of support, and was not intentionally [quoted text clipped - 11 lines] > instantly, and I said, "You've got to be kidding." My GF's tender > care sealed our fate to marry. So, in a way, it was a good thing. No wonder, chicken pox is pretty horrible for an adult. And that was a sweet side effect to your disease! [snip] >I've been thinking about this a little bit more this evening since I got >home. I'm wondering where Rog and Barb are expecting to get their new [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] >obviously a place Rog, at least, expects to supply a few more likely >candidates (sadly). The only place (I think) that I've posted anything about the ASD Ning group was on ASD. I threw it out as something that might be worth checking out, given that the Usenet version had become all but unsable, and enough people agreed that we gave it a go. If I mentioned it at all here, it was only to mattinro, whose situation seems to be moving towards divorce. I'd prefer ASD remain a viable Usenet group, like ASM. I certainly had no intentions of seeking members from this group. In fact, the new group is mostly comprised of long-time ASD'ers and a few new people who've found their way to us, perhaps, through Ning's own search functionality. Barb > [snip] > [quoted text clipped - 13 lines] > If I mentioned it at all here, it was only to mattinro, whose > situation seems to be moving towards divorce. I wasn't sure which group you mentioned it in to mattinro but I thought it was appropriate in his case. He's been posting here for a long time and I agree, his situation does seem to be moving towards divorce. > I'd prefer ASD remain a viable Usenet group, like ASM. I certainly > had no intentions of seeking members from this group. In fact, the > new group is mostly comprised of long-time ASD'ers and a few new > people who've found their way to us, perhaps, through Ning's own > search functionality. Thanks for the reassurance, Barb. I think the Ning group is a worthy thing and I'm glad you've managed to get it going and that it has such a warm sense of community to it. My concern is that I really don't want new posters to ASM to be pointed there within hours of them arriving. It has a feel of 'Go directly to Jail, do not pass Go' about it for me. That's all. I've upset Rog and I do regret that. Perhaps I should have raised it in email but I doubt whether he'd have appreciated me cold-emailing him with a critical comment! Not that I'd do that, of course. Anyway, he doesn't think my concerns are valid so I'll have to live with that and see how things work out. > Thanks for the reassurance, Barb. I think the Ning group is a worthy > thing and I'm glad you've managed to get it going and that it has > such a warm sense of community to it. My concern is that I really > don't want new posters to ASM to be pointed there within hours of > them arriving. It has a feel of 'Go directly to Jail, do not pass Go' > about it for me. That's all. I know I'm way late in this thread but,...I had to try and correct what I see as a misperception of the kind of advice that ASD, or the website would provide. To the best of my recollection, advising someone that they should "get out" has been exceedingly rare, and usually only in situations where physical violence existed. For the most part, those who have divorced are usually loathe to suggest it to others because, as Janie once put it, "...divorce doesn't create miracles. It takes the problems people have now, and amplifies them to incredibly painful levels." It simply isn't a good choice, but sometimes,...it is the only choice. At that point it helps one to know what one's options and responsibilities are. *That* was what we were there for. Coming to an understanding of the realities of the process is more likely, IMHO, to disuade one from making the jump unless it really is "The Only Choice". > Well, I hope that... you aren't now only popping in to tell people > to give up on their marriages and then invite them to your new > home to talk about how to ease their divorce process. ---- Well, it sounds like one of us has a mongoose stuffed up their arse, and it ain't me. >> Well, I hope that... you aren't now only popping in to tell people >> to give up on their marriages and then invite them to your new >> home to talk about how to ease their divorce process. > ---- > Well, it sounds like one of us has a mongoose stuffed up their arse, > and it ain't me. I'm not angry as you appear to be, Rog. I was just disappointed to read your posts over the last few weeks and thought I was detecting a worrying trend. I'm happy to hear you didn't intend that. Have you looked back through them yourself to see if you could see what I was talking about? > I'm not angry as you appear to be, Rog. I was just disappointed > to read your posts over the last few weeks and thought I was > detecting a worrying trend. I'm happy to hear you didn't intend > that. Have you looked back through them yourself to see if you > could see what I was talking about? I might be interested, if your criticism was less self-absorbed, ego-centric and possessed a smidgeon of validity. What you are talking about are two posts over a three week term? Get a grip. There's more to life than ASM. Try looking out the window. >> I'm not angry as you appear to be, Rog. I was just disappointed >> to read your posts over the last few weeks and thought I was [quoted text clipped - 6 lines] > talking about are two posts over a three week term? Get a grip. > There's more to life than ASM. Try looking out the window. Okay doke, I'll do that then, Rog. >> Well, I hope that... you aren't now only popping in to tell people >> to give up on their marriages and then invite them to your new >> home to talk about how to ease their divorce process. > ---- > Well, it sounds like one of us has a mongoose stuffed up their arse, > and it ain't me. It's Riki Tiki Tavi. >I hope counseling helps and I know I'm not perfect, but I'm not a >cheater (I don't even flirt), I don't hit her, I never drink, I'm a [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] >wife "on" again. She, however, just claims I'm "overbearing" and she >doesn't know if she can take it anymore. Thoughts? She sounds as if she might be depressed. Post-partum depression can last a long time after the baby is born, so it's not out of the question. I know that after I had my kids I just felt overwhelmed with people always wanting to touch me, pry into my thoughts, and wanting wanting wanting stuff from me. I'm *not* saying that your wants are unreasonable, but it's possible that she's simply overwhelmed and views them as unreasonable. Suggesting counseling could be tricky, because depressed people can also be defensive ("Oh, so it's not enough that our relationship is on the rocks and everyone WANTS something from me all the time, now you're suggesting that I go get my head examined because it's all my fault!!!". Um. Not that I've ever said anything like that). Something to consider. I suspect depression.  SignatureLauri in WA > I'm not happy in my marriage at all but still love my wife dearly. > She's a good mother and sometimes a good wife. I can't begin to [quoted text clipped - 76 lines] > wife "on" again. She, however, just claims I'm "overbearing" and she > doesn't know if she can take it anymore. Thoughts? I think counselling is a good idea but your wife's behaviour as you've described it seems worthy of medical intervention on it's own. She doesn't sound like she's coping with her life at all and it's been long enough that it probably isn't a temporary spell she's going to work out of without support. In the meantime the damage to your relationship is growing and you may soon reach the point where neither of you cares about or respects the other enough to even try to stay together. I suggest you gently request that your wife go to see her doctor and start the process of being evaluated for depression, herself, along with a full physical work-up. If she's angry with you all the time then this may be difficult, as would enlisting the help of a friend or her mother or someone else close to her but I think you should try. Perhaps the counsellor will be able to help you by encouraging you wife to see if she could benefit from some individual therapy, as well. As in most relationships that are in trouble both partners have their own share of destructive behaviours or responses and I think it is a very good start you didn't come in here blaming your wife for everything. I do have hopes you two can work towards a happier life together if your wife can take a similar stance. Perhaps in your next counselling session you could let it be your wife's turn to unburden herself while you stay in a quiet but intense listening mode? You know some of the things she's unhappy about but there may be a few more you hadn't considered or didn't realise bothered her so much. Finally, try not to get too overwhelmed by anger and frustration and lash out verbally during this process because any time you do that you'll undermine whatever progress towards trust and mutual kindness you may have developed. Put a finite time limit on how long you will keep trying if you have to but be consistently civil and affectionate while you are making an effort. You are both very bruised and it will take time to heal those - you don't want to add any more and so cause further delays. On May 16, 12:02 pm, techma...@gmail.com wrote: > I'm not happy in my marriage at all but still love my wife dearly. > She's a good mother and sometimes a good wife. I can't begin to [quoted text clipped - 76 lines] > wife "on" again. She, however, just claims I'm "overbearing" and she > doesn't know if she can take it anymore. Thoughts? as a man be more patient read your bible always stick to your book .Woman been created by only one bone with 90% of imaginations.Man lead woman. so be patient until the end of the world.The more you expanding the life story the worst it could be. When two people quarrel the third person is a devil.So quit when you and your wife quarrel. dont stare at your wife faces actually you are staring at the devil. > I grabbed the other end, a brief tug ensued and then she jumped on top > of me and punched me in the face. This is not the first time she's > hit me, although it's the first time with a closed fist. I really can't feel good about encouraging someone to stay in a marriage where violence is taking place. I really think this has to stop before you can accomplish anything else. >> I grabbed the other end, a brief tug ensued and then she jumped on top >> of me and punched me in the face. This is not the first time she's [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > where violence is taking place. I really think this has to stop before > you can accomplish anything else. And if that's whats happening, s/he needs to get a divorce. >> I grabbed the other end, a brief tug ensued and then she jumped on >> top of me and punched me in the face. This is not the first time [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > marriage where violence is taking place. I really think this has to > stop before you can accomplish anything else. Yeah, that's not good at all and the closed fist to the face is a serious step in the wrong direction compared to an ineffectual whack that could easily and probably does happen when couples start waving their arms about passionately during an argument. I'm not excusing even that level but saying a couple could realise that brief loss of control was a bad thing and forgive each other without it meaning their relationship was in deep trouble. My thinking was that the OP seemed to have his boundary as far as physical violence is concerned under control in that he knows it's not acceptable and has to be addressed, so it didn't appear to me he was in immediate danger. They have a child together and if the mother is depressed and not coping, as it looks likely is the case on the surface, the OP's best place for them all at the moment probably is at home where he can hope to have some influence on whether or not she will seek help, or continue in it given they have a made a start in that. If he leaves she could be under more stress and, apart from the possible effects on their child's well-being, he would still have to deal with an angry non-coping woman as a co-parent, with all that entails. Since he doesn't seem quite ready to walk away, I couldn't feel good about telling him he should leave while there is a chance their situation could be improved, especially when they've just started counselling and intend to have individual counselling as well. (I hope some anger management techniques figure in that!) However, if she keeps being violent or starts mistreating their child then that would change my opinion immediately and even if she never hits him again if she refuses to co-operate and their thoroughly miserable situation stays the same then I don't think he should martyr himself for very long past the point of her recalcitrance. |
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