Home | Contact Us | FAQ | Search & Site Map | Link to Us
Sign In | Join | Other 45 Sites in Network
Home
Discussion Groups
Parenting
ParentingMothersSingle ParentsStep ParentsAdoptionTwinsSpankingChildren's Health
Pregnancy
PregnancyBreastfeeding
Marriage
MarriageDivorce
FamilyKB.com
Contact UsLink To UsSearch & Site Map

Family Forum / Marriage / Marriage / May 2008



Tip: Looking for answers? Try searching our database.

Identity

Thread view: 
Enable EMail Alerts  Start New Thread
Thread rating: 
Erin - 18 May 2008 12:47 GMT
Hi,

I've not posted for a while as someone
suggested it may be good to take a break.
Something happened to my marriage; my
husband stopped his meds.  It's very hard
to speak to an unmedicated mentally ill person
with expectations of responsibility and common
sense.

But enough about him; here is what has happened
to me, after being alone for some time.  To my
frank amazement, I am beginning to regain long lost
confidence and ability to talk to people and ask
for things without feeling like Manuel in "Fawlty Towers".
It must have been years of abuse and being put
down that changed my character.  Even now, when
we do get together for short periods of time, I notice
anew how fond he is of the  "one-upmanship" on just about anything
anybody says, even if it is blatantly  true.  He likes to
put people down.  It's a form of psychopathic
aggression and egotism which at first dazzles with brilliance
but after further insight reveals a mean inherited temperament.
Rarely does he have a good word to say.
Rarely does he have the ability to see the beauty or
goodness in the world or enjoy it.  It's pathetic.
If someone makes a witty remark or suggests a good
idea in a conversation, his typical response is to top it with his
own
brilliance.   That can be pretty eroding in a close relationship.

So, to my surpise the less I converse with him,
the better I become as a self-respecting person.
The sad thing is, that I, like others had the highest
esteem for him and depended on him.  I also
invested decades of emotional encouragement
and cheerleading for him, which I now see as
having been a colossal waste of my life.  One of
his bossom buddies informed me that the problem
was that he was not happy with the marriage.
The fact is he is not happy with life or himself, and
that as confided by a closer relation,  this goes back
to his childhood.  I feel sorry for him.   Perhaps his
most recent sign of self-awareness and growth was
his remark:  don't expect too much from me.

Still, it is the weak-kneed who need the greatest
support.  Fortunately for me, he has now found some
new crutches.

Erin
Vickie - 18 May 2008 16:44 GMT
> Hi,
>
[quoted text clipped - 26 lines]
> own
> brilliance.   That can be pretty eroding in a close relationship.

This is the fairly close example of what my husband is.
Sometimes I don't know how much more I can take.

> So, to my surpise the less I converse with him,
> the better I become as a self-respecting person.
[quoted text clipped - 14 lines]
> support.  Fortunately for me, he has now found some
> new crutches.

I like this post Erin.  Not what you have had to realize, of course.
I wish for your sake the outcome had came out differently.  It is like
you finally understand your part in it, putting him on that pedestal
and being his biggest fan and caretaker winds up being all for not.
Like I have said before, it is a shame you get shoved in the corner
and constantly put down for your love and caring.  It's a bitch, isn't
it.

Put him in his place, the spot behind your own needs.  If you can.

Vickie
Erin - 18 May 2008 20:43 GMT
> > Hi,
> >
[quoted text clipped - 60 lines]
>
> Vickie

Thanks Vickie.  I would rather not have seen it this way, but
it is like a Crappy Copernican Revolution.  It is often said
that you should not expect to be able to change a character.
There are two schools of thought on temperament and personality--
one is the nurture school and the other is heredity.  I am strongly
inclined towards that of heredity.  You can see it even in animals.
Nonetheless, i am willing to make him as happy as i can, but
given this new perspective, i am putting limits on self-sacrifice.
It hasn't worked, except for some practical advice and directions
i gave, which was to our mutual advantage.  The rest is up to him.

Erin
Bill in Co - 18 May 2008 19:37 GMT
> Hi,
>
[quoted text clipped - 47 lines]
>
> Erin

Very insightful post, Erin.
It looks like you have seen the light here, and have really moved forward,
which is not an easy thing to do.
Bill in Co - 21 May 2008 22:13 GMT
>> Hi,
>>
[quoted text clipped - 51 lines]
> It looks like you have seen the light here, and have really moved forward,
> which is not an easy thing to do.

I stand corrected.     Looks like we both could use a little more light.
:-)
phelbooth - 22 May 2008 04:55 GMT
On May 21, 4:13 pm, "Bill in Co" <surly_curmudg...@earthlink.net>
wrote:
> >> Hi,
>
[quoted text clipped - 54 lines]
> I stand corrected.     Looks like we both could use a little more light.
> :-)

Light is good.  Sunshine and moonbeams, and if it's winter take the
weak flourescents at the local YMCA.

If you go into the pool and swim, you might convince yourself that
you're in...well, not a tropical island but, perhaps Arkansas.  Also
just the being around people is good.  Healthy people and also those
who want to get healthier.

(Before sme of you yak, I LIKE Arkansas--I'm thinking only of swimming
outisde in late Oct or early May)

What is hardest is seeing things new, through another's eyes, and then
moving slowly to get well.  I can't remember who said what, but
someone talked about weakly moving forward: crawling, another talked
about crutches.  I don't know, Erin, but I do remember days where
forward movement, if there was any, could only have been measured by
the bruised knees and scrapes from crawling then falling (and this in
my 30s).  There were about three life-saving crutches (thanks Richard,
Helen, and sons).  I also do remember this was the second time I had
to get thru a hard enough situation--the first was more different than
easier--and that, b.c I had got thru the first, I knew I could dig
deep and keep moving forward.  I could, did, and still do, tho lately
blessed in that nothing's demanded so much from me.

Makes us think how lucky we are, doesn't it?  Man, imagine being in
Myanmar or Beirut or Darfur right now.  We would not even be able to
think about "divorce."  It's almost like a luxury, even as it's pure
hell to go thru.  I don't get it.  All these different worlds co-
existing, with so little "getting it."

Thinking and honoring many who have lived for freedom and liberty this
(US Memorial Day) weekend, feeling distanced from those who represent
the US on the global (esp. corporate) scale, and blissfully free of
(job) fautresponsibility,

Fill
Erin - 22 May 2008 11:38 GMT
> On May 21, 4:13 pm, "Bill in Co" <surly_curmudg...@earthlink.net>
> wrote:
[quoted text clipped - 93 lines]
>
> Fill

I appreciate your message Fill; i have said similar things about
the relative misery in the world; the difference is that i am willing
to be grateful and appreciate the privileges, advantages and
good life we have.  Some people would die and do die in crowded
boats weathering rough seas to have just some of the happiness
and wealth that we do.  Mr. Humble Socialist seems to want more all
of a sudden; that's one of his postures that really pisses me off.

Erin
Bill in Co - 22 May 2008 23:47 GMT
>> On May 21, 4:13 pm, "Bill in Co" <surly_curmudg...@earthlink.net>
>> wrote:
[quoted text clipped - 104 lines]
>
> Erin

Who is Mr. Humble Socialist?
Erin - 23 May 2008 01:43 GMT
> >> On May 21, 4:13 pm, "Bill in Co" <surly_curmudg...@earthlink.net>
> >> wrote:
[quoted text clipped - 106 lines]
>
> Who is Mr. Humble Socialist?

Someone who used to preach about
socialism and how evil American Capitalism
is, but how now discovered his right
to the pursuit of happiness and spending
tons of money on getting it.

Erin
mom0f4boys - 23 May 2008 05:59 GMT
Erin, I see you putting a lot of energy into understanding your
husband. But I think you are wrong abut the 'dire consequences' if you
stopped.   You are hanging on to something harmful to you, and you
should be WAY more concerned with yourself, and with figuring out how
you came to be 'OK' with something that hurts you.
    You seem to be a very pragmatic lady.  So apply that pragmatism
to YOURSELF, Erin!  Walk yourself through the logical steps.... make a
list of the pros and cons of your current approach.
     I hate to be this tough on you, but maybe you LIKE being a
martyr?
     Think back to when you were little, or adolescent.  Think of
your dreams.  And then... get mad!  Stop extending your wonderful
skill of 'analysis' to the person who is hurting you, Erin!  Extend it
to yourself, instead!
      I am rooting for you, but I am also pretty aggravated with
you.  It stinks when someone smart shares a problem, then immediately
ducks their head back in the sand.
       Kep your head up, and focus on YOU, Erin!!!!!!!
EB - 23 May 2008 09:45 GMT
> Erin, I see you putting a lot of energy into understanding your
> husband. But I think you are wrong abut the 'dire consequences' if you
[quoted text clipped - 14 lines]
> ducks their head back in the sand.
>         Kep your head up, and focus on YOU, Erin!!!!!!!

You hit the nail right on the head!
Erin is spending an awful lot of energy trying to figure out why her
husband is such an a.shole, when she should work on healing herself.
Damage is done, now she need to start figuring out how to shield
herself from as much damage as possible from this toxic relationship
she has with her husband. Whether it be cutting him off or telling him
enough is enough.
I'm too aggravated with her post, because I was in the somewhat of the
same situatation as her.
My wife walked out on me without any thoughts on healing our marriage.
There was no abuse, no financial problems, no infidelity. She just
said there was no more feeling of love.
So instead of torturing myself trying to understand why she was
feeling the way she was feeling, I let her go.
Life is too freaking short. Yeah, it sucked, sucked like you never
would believe, but 6 months later. I'm happy, she's happy and life
goes on. Erin been dealing with this for over 2 years?!?!?
It's really is time to let it go.

EB
Erin - 23 May 2008 11:04 GMT
> > Erin, I see you putting a lot of energy into understanding your
> > husband. But I think you are wrong abut the 'dire consequences' if you
[quoted text clipped - 35 lines]
>
> EB

Thanks for your encouragement to take care of my own needs EB.
I am sorry about the thoughtless and callous approach of your
wife.  I imagine your marriage was not so long -- ours close to
30 years - a lifetime and a very good marriage at that.  So, it's
hard.
I know he is aware of possibly losing something very dear and
irreplacable, but i think he is in love and degrades the qualities
of our own relationship to prop up his.  However, he denies all that
and says she is just a very close friend.  I hope counselling helps
because i am never sure if i am right or wrong, but i am sure that
i have been hurt.  He says, anything hurts me because i am delusional.

Erin
EB - 23 May 2008 11:43 GMT
> > > Erin, I see you putting a lot of energy into understanding your
> > > husband. But I think you are wrong abut the 'dire consequences' if you
[quoted text clipped - 49 lines]
>
> Erin- Hide quoted text -

Fifteen years. Not as long as yours, but longer than most.
I hope counseling works for you too, because actions speak louder than
words.
I have a best friend of over 25 years, but I don't maintain a place
for him to visit.
I personally think he is a cruel and nasty piece of work. You don't
tell your partner of 30 years that you have found a "soulmate" of the
opposite sex. And all the "mental" problems in the world doesn't
excuse the fact that he and his "soulmate" are treating you like sh.t.
If you had told me these problems just started happening, I'd be more
sympathatic. However, you lived this horror over two years. Time to
break out of this circle.
Stay strong and stay the course.

EB
Erin - 23 May 2008 13:12 GMT
> > > > Erin, I see you putting a lot of energy into understanding your
> > > > husband. But I think you are wrong abut the 'dire consequences' if you
[quoted text clipped - 65 lines]
>
> EB

That's how i feel too, barring such hidden variables as
terminal illness in either her or him that i do not know about
for example.  I don't have much respect for either of them,
and though he plans to come back in a year (don't know why
he puts it at a year) I wonder if my respect for him will return
or whether i will have to redefine myself, my values, and
my feelings in order to be his live-in-wife again.

Erin
Erin - 23 May 2008 14:39 GMT
> > > > > Erin, I see you putting a lot of energy into understanding your
> > > > > husband. But I think you are wrong abut the 'dire consequences' if you
[quoted text clipped - 75 lines]
>
> Erin

Scientology:

Of course the whole thing makes sense if he has joined Scientology.
He *has* been going into a trance since this OW situation (which
i thought was hepatic disease maybe), and despite his proclamation
that he is taking his fattening meds, is losing a LOT of weight, even
though
i make healthy meals for him.  He also get furious if i interfere with
his necessity to be or socialize with his *friends*.  Scientology
practices
trance induction to make the payer adhere loyally to the religion.
It encourage separation from the family or spouse or anyone who
has objections to Scientology.
Trance induction is part of the Auditing lessons from what i read on
FACTNET.

Erin
Erin - 23 May 2008 23:09 GMT
> > > > > > Erin, I see you putting a lot of energy into understanding your
> > > > > > husband. But I think you are wrong abut the 'dire consequences' if you
[quoted text clipped - 93 lines]
>
> Erin
racinstalldev@yahoo.com - 24 May 2008 02:08 GMT
> > > > > > Erin, I see you putting a lot of energy into understanding your
> > > > > > husband. But I think you are wrong abut the 'dire consequences' if you
[quoted text clipped - 95 lines]
>
> - Show quoted text -

I think you're on to something here... I really do.
Erin - 24 May 2008 03:27 GMT
> > > > > > > Erin, I see you putting a lot of energy into understanding your
> > > > > > > husband. But I think you are wrong abut the 'dire consequences' if you
[quoted text clipped - 97 lines]
>
> I think you're on to something here... I really do.

In any case, i'm so sad and tired, that i no longer
care about the cause-- only the effect this has on me.
I think that's progress.   Scientology, med withdrawal,
infatuation, psychopathic conman, mid-life crisis....
it doesn't matter to me that much anymore, because
the damage is done.

tx

Erin
mom0f4boys - 24 May 2008 05:10 GMT
"Who knows, maybe I am being delusionally jealous.  I am so damn
insecure i don't know what's what."
   Of course you are jealous.... who wouldn't be, in this situation?
Your husband is sharing himself with another woman, cutting you off
and disregarding your emotions.  Jealous, yes... delusional, no.
    No doubt he is a great guy in some ways, but his choices are
hurting you and making you 'so damn insecure'.  He is not honoring his
vows to you.  You are so valiant in your own effort not to dishonor
your vows to him.  As angry and hurt as you are feeling, you are clear
about loving him and wanting to do the best for him and your
marriage.  But maybe the best thing for your marriage is to STOP
allowing it to degrade further by being accommodating and kind to him
when he trashes your feelings.
     God, I'm about to be so annoying... my mom always did/does this
to me... suggesting ways to knock yourself into a different pattern or
mindset.  How about finding another target for all that love you
feel?  Or transferring your feeling of wanting to help/heal onto
someone or something more receptive?  Maybe volunteer work... it
really does do wonders for you when you're feeling sad and alone.  Or
borrowing some kids (neices, nephews) and taking them out to have
simple fun.   Exercise...especially long walks (even better with a
dog)...is rejuvenating.
      I know these are all Pollyanna-sounding suggestions, and you
are probably too tired to be receptive to them.  But it's these little
changes in routine that help edge people out of emotional sink-holes.
      Erin, in all of these posts, you show such a huge capacity for
compassion.  Also endurance.   It's sad to see a good person being
treated badly.... no wonder you are tired.   So be tired, scared and
sad.  Grieve!!!  As you say, the damage is done.  Grieve for what has
been damaged.  Google 'grief', and I think you will see many things
ring true with how you feel right now.  You'll be stronger if you face
it.  It doesn't mean letting go of your love for your husband... who
could expect you to do that?  You said,"It doesn't matter
anymore....", and that's a lie.  That's detachment.  Don't detach from
your feelings... it's harmful to your heart and spirit. Instead,
grieve for what has been taken from you.
        Jeez, I'm bossy.
       ((( HUG )))

            Amy
Erin - 24 May 2008 12:24 GMT
> "Who knows, maybe I am being delusionally jealous.  I am so damn
> insecure i don't know what's what."
[quoted text clipped - 36 lines]
>
>              Amy

Thank you for the encouraging suggestions Amy and the
empathy in the situation as i describe it.  I am sure this is not
easy for him too.  And I know that what he would like most
is for me to approve of his very close ties and affection for
his co-worker and friend.  He did tell me they were sexually
attracted but it has turned into love, though not the same love
as..... blah blah.  Anyway, I cannot give my approval so he
will have to enjoy her company all by himself.  Everything has
its price.  And as for loving him, i think it's fading fast, though
we are good friends.

It's a good idea that I should redirect my emotional energy
towards people and situations more receptive.  I am doing that
but could do more.  I think it's a good idea.   I do need some time
for recovery.  However, stopping my emotional support of his
conflict might be good for me.  The problem is that he gets angry
if I don't approve of his rights.  Maybe i should ignore that crap.

Thanks for your post.

Erin
Erin - 30 May 2008 02:50 GMT
omitted:  street drug addiction, supply consequences
and symptoms;
xorra - 23 May 2008 12:16 GMT
> Life is too freaking short. Yeah, it sucked, sucked like you never
> would believe, but 6 months later. I'm happy, she's happy and life
> goes on. Erin been dealing with this for over 2 years?!?!?
> It's really is time to let it go.

I'm not sure there are many people as practical as  you.  2 years seems like a
very short time to me, when you are talking about giving up on a marriage.  Then
again, neither you nor Erin have kids to consider.

Xorra
Erin - 23 May 2008 10:54 GMT
> Erin, I see you putting a lot of energy into understanding your
> husband. But I think you are wrong abut the 'dire consequences' if you
[quoted text clipped - 14 lines]
> ducks their head back in the sand.
>         Kep your head up, and focus on YOU, Erin!!!!!!!

I know mamaof4boys,

But i am really scared of this.  He keeps insisting that this best
friend of his
life IS just a friend, and although his has love for her it is not on
the same
level, blah blah ..... All i know is i am getting chest pains all the
time and
have constant anxiety.  He just won't give her up, except as a
concilliation
to his psychologist, he will no longer speak to her about personal
matters
concerning me.  But they will remain close friends and visit each
other
etc.  This makes me jealous and insecure.  But he thinks that is MY
problem.
Fortunately, we are seeing a marriage counsellor.

Who knows, maybe I am being delusionally jealous.  I am so damn
insecure i don't know what's what.

Erin
zorra2@comcast.net - 18 May 2008 21:49 GMT
Your husband is deeply depressed, and you are surprised that he finds
no joy in life?

It sounds like you're moving on finally.

Xorra
Erin - 18 May 2008 22:57 GMT
zor...@comcast.net wrote:
> Your husband is deeply depressed, and you are surprised that he finds
> no joy in life?

Well actually, i am not at all surprised.  I have just been nagging
for
30 years that he should see a psychiatrist and not a GP for major
depression.  This advice has backfired on me and provoked abuse.
I give up.

> It sounds like you're moving on finally.

Yes.  I am hoping he gets help elsewhere, as he does ask
for mine but rejects it if he doesn't like it, i.e. see a psychiatrist
who knows psychopharmacology very well.
He does not really believe in medication despite suicide
attempts when coming off the drugs.  I can't help him with that
attitude; maybe his counsellor can.

Erin
racinstalldev@yahoo.com - 19 May 2008 02:50 GMT
> zor...@comcast.net wrote:
> > Your husband is deeply depressed, and you are surprised that he finds
[quoted text clipped - 16 lines]
>
> Erin

Please dump Michael, that piece of unstable piece of cheating trash,
and come visit me.  I really like you, Erin.

Please stop worrying about him, it just isn't worth it.
Erin - 20 May 2008 12:39 GMT
> > zor...@comcast.net wrote:
> > > Your husband is deeply depressed, and you are surprised that he finds
[quoted text clipped - 21 lines]
>
> Please stop worrying about him, it just isn't worth it.

You're very kind.:-)  More anguish coming up tonight.
We are seeing a counsellor to find out if it isn't infact
OK for him to have relations with his soulmate, and be
married at the same time. D'oh!

Of course the answer to that question depends much
on the equivocation of words.

Wish me luck, feel like puking and having chest tightness
again. Two ****** years of anxiety over this crap.

Erin
Stephanie - 20 May 2008 14:40 GMT
>>> zor...@comcast.net wrote:
>>>> Your husband is deeply depressed, and you are surprised that he
[quoted text clipped - 34 lines]
>
> Erin

It is not some counselor's place to tell you if it is Ok. That is YOUR
place. Wife.
Erin - 20 May 2008 15:25 GMT
> >>> zor...@comcast.net wrote:
> >>>> Your husband is deeply depressed, and you are surprised that he
[quoted text clipped - 37 lines]
> It is not some counselor's place to tell you if it is Ok. That is YOUR
> place. Wife.

Maybe he wants to see if it's OK; i.e. approval.  I suspect he is not
taking his medication.  He has all the symptoms of depression.
Perhaps he feels that with *her* he does not need medications
as he told me that the reason he has clinical depression is
because of me.  Problem is he takes these cruel remarks
back.  It's a mess.

Erin
Doug Anderson - 20 May 2008 15:30 GMT
> > > zor...@comcast.net wrote:
> > > > Your husband is deeply depressed, and you are surprised that he finds
[quoted text clipped - 26 lines]
> OK for him to have relations with his soulmate, and be
> married at the same time. D'oh!

How is the counselor going to help with this?

It is OK with him.

It is not OK with you.

Look - normally I think seeing a good counselor is a good idea.  But
in your case,  I don't think you need couples therapy so much as you
need to learn what you want and you need to pursue that.
Erin - 20 May 2008 17:22 GMT
> > > > zor...@comcast.net wrote:
> > > > > Your husband is deeply depressed, and you are surprised that he finds
[quoted text clipped - 36 lines]
> in your case,  I don't think you need couples therapy so much as you
> need to learn what you want and you need to pursue that.

I think the counsellor might give options and interpretations.
I don't look forward to it at all, as i have the same level
of education as this one and a Psych. degree on top.
What do I want?  I would like him to  be honest and to act
on that.  I would also like him to respect as he used to and
not find all these faults all of a sudden but absolutely no
fault with his new soulmate.  But that may require a return
to rationality.

I predict 3 possible outcomes:

1. Separation - that is probably the best as it allows
him to have her visit and sleep there whenever they want.
Also, mutual support between us remains practical  and
not traumatic.

2.  He gets over her and returns to his marital life.
I don't see it unless the problem is medical.

3.  Divorce -- she is finally available to him and they
get the opportunity to marry or live together, in which case he
serves me a divorce request.

Erin
Doug Anderson - 20 May 2008 17:35 GMT
> > > > > zor...@comcast.net wrote:
> > > > > > Your husband is deeply depressed, and you are surprised that he finds
[quoted text clipped - 40 lines]
> I don't look forward to it at all, as i have the same level
> of education as this one and a Psych. degree on top.

Why should that matter?

> What do I want?  I would like him to  be honest and to act
> on that.  I would also like him to respect as he used to and
> not find all these faults all of a sudden but absolutely no
> fault with his new soulmate.  But that may require a return
> to rationality.

Wrong answer.

You need to be focusing on what _you_ can do, not on what you want
other people to do.  Wanting your husband to change isn't useful.

You can want to leave him.  You can want to change yourself.  You can
want to set enforcable limits on what behavior you accept from him.
You can want to find other things to center your life around besides
your relationship with your husband.

> I predict 3 possible outcomes:
>
> 1. Separation - that is probably the best as it allows
> him to have her visit and sleep there whenever they want.
> Also, mutual support between us remains practical  and
> not traumatic.

And how is this good for you?  You seem tormented by this state of
being half in his life and half out of his life.  You also seem to
expect a level of support from him that he is simply not likely to
provide if he is involved with another woman.

> 2.  He gets over her and returns to his marital life.
> I don't see it unless the problem is medical.
>
> 3.  Divorce -- she is finally available to him and they
> get the opportunity to marry or live together, in which case he
> serves me a divorce request.
Erin - 20 May 2008 18:53 GMT
> > What do I want?  I would like him to  be honest and to act
> > on that.  I would also like him to respect as he used to and
[quoted text clipped - 11 lines]
> You can want to find other things to center your life around besides
> your relationship with your husband.

But wanting to enforce limits -- which i have tried -- is trying to
change his
behaviour, as well as following his physician's advice.  As for my
life,
i am actually doing very well -- i am taking exercise classes,
socializing
with friends and families, taking classes.   I am even cooking for him
and helping
him because he is ill.  I have sadness and uncertainty all the time,
but i fight
it.  So, i am doing as well as can be expected.

> > I predict 3 possible outcomes:
> >
[quoted text clipped - 7 lines]
> expect a level of support from him that he is simply not likely to
> provide if he is involved with another woman.

He helps me this way, and i help him.  A complete break will have
dire consequences for both of us, and there are many complications
i won't go into.  Stress is one of them which can kill him or me.
It is the kindest option for all involved, and i mean all.

Erin
Doug Anderson - 21 May 2008 01:12 GMT
> > > What do I want?  I would like him to  be honest and to act
> > > on that.  I would also like him to respect as he used to and
[quoted text clipped - 15 lines]
> change his
> behaviour,

No, it isn't.  It is reacting to his behavior in order to protect
yourself.  You can't control or change his behavior.  If he behaves in
a way that is unacceptable to you, you can keep him away from you, or
find other ways to insulate yourself from him.

You are looking for some magic tool to get him to be the person you
want him to be.  That way lies only frustration.
Erin - 21 May 2008 01:48 GMT
> > > > What do I want?  I would like him to  be honest and to act
> > > > on that.  I would also like him to respect as he used to and
[quoted text clipped - 23 lines]
> You are looking for some magic tool to get him to be the person you
> want him to be.  That way lies only frustration.

Hi Doug,

Just came back from joint marital counselling.   I was terrified
about public speaking.  To my amazement it went extremely well.
I think the really excellent and friendly therapist helped.  So
session
one, and the background is covered.  She's quite good and insightful.
Next session, the impasse will be discussed.  This is a tough problem.
In my view it reveals a deep and buried trait of inability to feel
compassion.  I am interested to see what the therapist will say.
I think at this point in time, his self-awareness and capacity
for remorse is less than zero.   My prediction is that given a choice
between what has already been described as an exceptional and good
marriage of 30 yrs. will be casually discarded for a "friendship
too deep and valuable to lose, even though the lust is now gone".

Tune in for the next episode of "My principles" :-).

Erin
Erin - 21 May 2008 02:53 GMT
> > > > > What do I want?  I would like him to  be honest and to act
> > > > > on that.  I would also like him to respect as he used to and
[quoted text clipped - 43 lines]
>
> Erin

p.s. oh yeah, i just learned from him that his soulmate is coming
to stay at his bachelor pad again.  This is after i told her that i
felt
her relationship with my husband was jeopardizing our marriage.
We have been living apart for a year on account of their deep
friendship.  Obviously, neither of them give a sh.t about our
marriage.
As far as she is concerned, what you don't see is not there.  And
as she informed me he told her he was desperately unhappy with
the marriage -- this in stark contrast to what he told the therapist
in front of me about how special and wonderful our marriage is.
As far as he is concerned, if i bitch about this again, he will take
action against me.

They are both very nasty people.
As Doug said, when confronted with mean and inconsiderate
people, the best thing you can do, is protect yourself from them.

Thanks Doug.

Erin
EB - 21 May 2008 10:21 GMT
> > > > > > What do I want?  I would like him to  be honest and to act
> > > > > > on that.  I would also like him to respect as he used to and
[quoted text clipped - 51 lines]
> friendship.  Obviously, neither of them give a sh.t about our
> marriage.

Wow Erin. You finally got a trained proffessional tell you something
we been telling
you for the last 2 years.

> As far as she is concerned, what you don't see is not there.  And
> as she informed me he told her he was desperately unhappy with
> the marriage -- this in stark contrast to what he told the therapist
> in front of me about how special and wonderful our marriage is.
> As far as he is concerned, if i bitch about this again, he will take
> action against me.

Tell him to bring it on. Just his way of "putting you in your place"
and him doing
whatever he feels like doing. Jesus, what a nasty piece of work.

> They are both very nasty people.

Once again, you are finally "getting it"
you had me a bit worried earlier when you started saying:

"He helps me this way, and i help him.  A complete break will have
dire consequences for both of us, and there are many complications
i won't go into.  Stress is one of them which can kill him or me.
It is the kindest option for all involved, and i mean all. "

My god, my head just feels likes it's about to exploded when I read
stuff like this when
he and his "soulmate" clearly treat you like sh.t.

> As Doug said, when confronted with mean and inconsiderate
> people, the best thing you can do, is protect yourself from them.
>
> Thanks Doug.

Doug should get the money you are paying your counselor.

EB
Erin - 21 May 2008 13:02 GMT
> > > > > > > What do I want? �I would like him to �be honest and to act
> > > > > > > on that. �I would also like him to respect as he used to and
[quoted text clipped - 89 lines]
>
> EB

Will he accept virtual currency?

Erin
S.D. - 21 May 2008 17:13 GMT
> Fortunately for me, he has now found some
> new crutches.

Crutches are not always what they seem.  Sometimes crutch's are created
by merely pointing ones finger.  

Weak-kneed can still struggle forward walking slowly even crawling if
they have to; but the weak-minded, they persistently point in the wrong
direction, as they stand still.
Erin - 21 May 2008 18:15 GMT
> > Fortunately for me, he has now found some
> > new crutches.
[quoted text clipped - 5 lines]
> they have to; but the weak-minded, they persistently point in the wrong
> direction, as they stand still.

I don't understand your message, sorry.

Erin
 
Sign In
Join
My Latest Posts
My Monitored Threads
My Blog
My Photo Gallery
My Profile
My Homepage

Start New Thread
Enable EMail Alerts
Rate this Thread



©2009 Advenet LLC   Privacy Policy - Terms of Use
This website includes both content owned or controlled by Advenet as well as content owned or controlled by third parties.